The child I left behind

[Fetaria 0]

Shari,

I am sorry.

A few things I did for my son before the big move was to make sure he and I had our own time together alone. Doing his favorite things, just hanging out making some good memories. I started a scrapbook for him. Gave him lots of hugs and nose kisses to last the time we would be apart. I asked his input for ideas of how to decorate "his" room in the new house and ideas of how he liked things so he knew that my new home was just as much his. Left some prestamped addressed envelopes for letters he may want to write. Set up a web cam for him. The final goodbye felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest, especially when he told me his eyes were wet, we both had a good hard cry. Gah, typing that made me cry again. I make sure now that each time we talk we are talking about what is ahead, how many sleeps until we are together again, what we will be doing and how fun it will be. I would say be strong, but dont. You dont have to hide that it hurts and neither should she. Be honest with yourself and her and say or feel whatever comes natural. My son and I get right carried away with the "I miss you mores" My heart goes out to you.

36 sleeps until I see my kids

[Welshcookie 17]

you need to make sure your children are safe ... evidenced by that picture: they are not ... and THAT should be your priority at this moment. other people on the forum have children what were able to communicate their wants to their parents ... your's cannot and your first concern should be their well-being. have you even had a burn that large before?? it's excruciatingly painful.

you don't want to put your children through a court case yet you allow them to be neglected (scalded) and abused ... go to court and settle this. then worry about coming to america. is your true love is in america, she should have no problem flying to the UK to be with you during the wait.

Y'know I have to agree with Gimy. From what I have read I believe most of the parents here have left for the US in the knowledge that the children they have left behind are going to be well cared for, loved and happy...how much more difficult will it be to deal with not only the heartbreak of being without your kids, but on top of that constantly worrying about their welfare?

You need to address this issue through the courts if necessary, even if it does delay your plans.....or even try to reason with your ex, she must be aware that she cannot cope with the children on a full time basis.

Good Luck to you and your babies

[Shari 6]

Gah, typing that made me cry again.

And your post made me cry and I haven't even left - it's just thinking of that last goodbye until the next time. UGH! Thanks for your words of advice.

[Peggy 1]

Wow Shari. I am glad Keith has some good news about a new job. I am sure it was getting him down not being able to find work.

Dont give up hope yet with your little girl. She may change her mind when she really finds out that you are moving. This is so hard on everyone involved. I will be praying that she changes her mind and moves with you, or that if she stays she will miss you so much and decides to move down after your settled.

My son did that to me for about 8 months. One month he was excited about coming, the next month he said he wasnt moving with me. He would change his mind so many times. This went on for 8 months before we finally moved here. Just before our interview he said he was moving for sure. It near drove me crazy wondering what to do, and if I could leave him behind. Thank God it worked out in the end and he's here with me. I hope the same happens with your little girl.

Sending your hugs..............Peggy

[Welshcookie 17]

Awww Shari....what a bitter sweet situation for you Peggy is right tho' she may change her mind indeed.

I moved to another part of the UK because of my other half's job....we had a kind of a double whammy....my then 15yr daughter wanted to stay with her friends, boyfriend etc plus she was just about to start exams at school and my partners 18 yr old son decided to stay in AL when we had a visit before we moved.....So suddenely a house that was filled with teenagers and noise became just us and my 10 yr old, it was quite an adjustment

I speak to my daughter pretty much every day on the computer....she broke up with her boyfriend last week and it was so difficult trying to comfort her over the PC and of course I shall miss seeing her leave for her prom on Saturday But most importantly I know she is happy....she did really well in her exams and is off to college in September

I really hope your daughter changes her mind and leaves with you tho'.....

[Shari 6]

Fetaria, Pink Roses, & WelshCookie - thanks for the kind words. Yes, finally Keith's l-o-n-g job search is paying off. Regarding my daughter, I would hope she would want to come . . . eventually if not right away, but I do have to look at her happiness first. Like I said, the main things are friends, school, softball, big sister (20 years old), and twin brother (14-years-old). I don't think she would miss her dad much if she came down as his moods are up and down and she sort of ignores him, but I think the unknown scares her. Even if she flew down with us ahead of time to look it over, that doesn't help with knowing she will have friends. I won't push her or make her feel guilty for wanting to stay, but I will let her know I want her to come, and that she will always have a room to come to and she is only 9 hours away. Thanks again ladies.

[ramos96 1]

Wow you guys made me all sad now. I dont have any children nor does my girlfriend.

But I think I would be completely devastated inside and I hear those same feelings from all of you.

All I can offer is cherish the time you do get to talk to them and when you are with them.

<raises hands and blesses all who have left someone behind>

Humbly,

Ramos

[Shari 6]

Fetaria, Pink Roses, & WelshCookie - thanks for the kind words. Yes, finally Keith's l-o-n-g job search is paying off. Regarding my daughter, I would hope she would want to come . . . eventually if not right away, but I do have to look at her happiness first. Like I said, the main things are friends, school, softball, big sister (20 years old), and twin brother (14-years-old). I don't think she would miss her dad much if she came down as his moods are up and down and she sort of ignores him, but I think the unknown scares her. Even if she flew down with us ahead of time to look it over, that doesn't help with knowing she will have friends. I won't push her or make her feel guilty for wanting to stay, but I will let her know I want her to come, and that she will always have a room to come to and she is only 9 hours away. Thanks again ladies.

[MY ABOVE QUOTE WAS ADDED IN CASE NEW READERS HAD NO CLUE WHAT MY SITUATION WAS WHEN THEY READ MY REPLY BELOW]

So my sister who is 2 years younger than me (only sibling and always been close though she lives in another state now) emails me with her disgust at the prospect of me leaving my daughter that lives with me (and my 2 other kids that live with their dad) for Keith's one and only job offer in 5 months. She says "I do think that you are making a VERY bad choice if you choose to leave Birmingham and leave your kids. I understand that you feel the need to follow Keith to the ends of the earth, but at the expense of what can happen to the lives of your three children. If you abandon the kids... they will feel exactly that! No matter what they say, they will feel that you chose Keith over them. This is NEVER healthy. I believe that you will live to regret your decision when your children have children of their own, let alone - immediate regret." I couldn't even reply to her. I need to pull some quotes out of this thread at the kids that are doing well and thriving NOT being pulled away from where they grew up/live. Nothing I say or write will change her thinking. And of course my mother has basically said the same thing. My family is putting more stress on me which stresses Keith out which is not good for either of us.

[Welshcookie 17]

Don't you just love famillies? Don't let others, even close family members, make you feel guilty about choices you have to make....I think you have to tell your sister that the decision to leave your daughter in Birmingham really comes down to your daughter....and if that is what she decides to do then I doubt she will have any feelings of 'abandoment', and if it comes to it she can always change her mind later

I noticed today on my daughter's Myspace that she has put a pic up of me with a caption "I love my mum more than anything"............certainly no feelings of abandonment or bitterness

Good luck Shari!

[Fetaria 0]

Just when you need a serious amount of support from your family.. you get that? There are SO many examples here of just how wrong she is. Do not let this add to your pile of stress or Keiths. You both made a decision based on your situation at this moment, you are not "abandoning" anyone here. What an awful word to use. Do look back and read some of the posts here again, PM those who have went through it and get more feedback. It is possible to parent this way and everyone comes out allright in the end. My son is thriving, we are closer than ever. You are a good mother. I wouldn't even respond to such an e mail, it is undeserving of your time. Sorry I am jumping around here.. I just really want you to know that it will be ok. And you know what? If after the move things are not going as planned, who is to say a change could not be made? Your daughter may decide to move too. We have such a short time to live this life, we cannot spend it sitting still in one spot for fear of making a mistake. So use your best judgement, do what you can to ensure everyone's happiness to the best of your ability including your own. Your sister is wrong. You are not choosing Keith over your children. When mothers work, do the children think we choose work over them? When we go to the movies without them do they dwell on the fact that we are choosing entertainment over them? Our children, whether we live with them or not, only feel abandoned if we make them feel that way by ignoring their wants and needs. I could just go on and on making the same point over and over.. so I will stop. Don't let her get you down.

[Shari 6]

I noticed today on my daughter's Myspace that she has put a pic up of me with a caption "I love my mum more than anything"............certainly no feelings of abandonment or bitterness

Awwww - that was sweet. I'm sure you felt GREAT.

And yes, I have offered ALL my kids to move with us (though my oldest is in college here and my son won't leave his dad that he lives with). So I am not saying my youngest daughter cannot go. On the contrary, she knows I WANT her with us. She knows I am not choosing Keith or her. I want them both. She is choosing to stay for all her reasons. Yet she (and the other 2) know that if anytime any of them want to come down, we will have open arms for 1 and all. Thanks WelshCookie for the pick-me-up. My mother always seems to want to control my life or tell me what I am doing wrong. I am 45 years old. I'm a grown up. I just haven't told her to back off yet as I don't want to hurt her feelings, but now it has started bothering Keith as much as it bothers me ("he doesn't want to find a job in Birmingham - he wants to move away" - from you, yes mom if you keep it up), then I have to jump in and realize it may cause a rift between her and I.

[Fetaria 0]

Double post

Edited June 26, 2006 by Fetaria

[perfect 39]

Shari - I really feel for you and Keith in this situation and to a small degree can relate to how you feel. My parents have never met my husband and took great pains to tell me before I came to live in the US of how it would affect my son.

I had been a single parent for 14 years before I met my then fiance. We had lived 500 miles away from my family so had no family support and really did only have each other. They had a hard time understanding how I could meet and marry someone from 7000 miles away, believing it would all end in tears. My parents never had a relationship with my son, in fact when I divorced the first time they hated me for the fact that I wouldn't give my son to his father ( a know psychopath) so that I didn't have this millstone around my neck for the rest of my life!! So when it came to moving here, they told me in no uncertain terms how I was ruining my son's life, that he would feel as though I were abandoning him, how he would resent me and hate me and how he would reject me for supposedly putting my fiance above him - and how would I feel then?!!

My son was 15 at the time and was fully involved in discussions regarding where he would live, although he had limited options in that he had not seen his father for 14 years. He wisely decided to stay behind in the UK to complete school and stayed with very good friends. He did have challenging times when he felt down and I wasn't there to give him a hug and there were times when he blamed me for marrying again and moving away. When he arrived here 9 months after me, all he spoke about was moving back to the UK at the first opportunity stating that I didn't understand what he had sacrificed in moving here.

My husband and I both tried to make him feel loved and secure and made a point of stating that we would never keep him here against his will and want nothing more than for him to be happy. When he got his green card he wanted to make plans to visit the UK for a holiday but his thinking has now changed to the degree where he feels as though this may be the only time he visits - he feels as though his life here is so good there is nothing really to go back for.

He is now 17 and loves being here. He talks to my husband about anything and everything and we are closer than ever. Sure...he's a teenager who has his moments but when all said and done being away from me for 9 months, even with no extended family support, actually was a good thing for him - he learned so much about himself and about how much we mean to him - even about his appreciation for what we have done and are doing. I can honestly say he doesn't feel any resentment or negativity towards either myself or my husband and my parents - well....they don't know my son like I do...if I honestly thought he wouldn't come out of this well, and learn some valuable lessons which would in turn make him a better person, then maybe I wouldn't have done it. But he has - he has matured so much - it's been a really good thing for him.

Bottom line - Shari - you know your kids. Don't let anyone else embitter them. If you have a close relationship with your kids, they will always underestand why you made certain decisions and will never resent you for it. It will help them to know themselves and grow into mature adults. Never live your life to please someone else. BY all means take them into accunt, but remember - you have a life too. You have a husband who loves you and is willing to work wherever he has the opportunity. That in itself is worth so much, not just to you, but to your kids also, who want nothing more than to see their mum properly cared for, properly loved.

I hope everything works out well for you all.

Edited June 26, 2006 by perfect

[Shari 6]

Perfect and Fetaria: Thank you so much for the support. This is such a good thread. When the thread first posted (in March), I read it then but never really re-read it much after that. It was not until Keith and I started talking that he needed to look outside of Birmingham for a job since he couldn't find anything here. I was very worried and knew my daughter would want to stay. I looked back through the forums until I found this thread and re-read it. It has really, really helped. I check it every day now. Everyone on here has helped and I truly get support in this thread when I am down about the subject and the responses take away some of the guilt. Thank you all again for the never-ending support.

[Shari 6]

Ok all you mothers. I need some MORE advice. You know my 14-year-old daughter is the one that lives with us and I was so concerned about her not wanting to move with us and worried about leaving her the most, but her twin brother is more upset than she is and I need to figure out what to say as nothing I am saying is working. Michael has always been a much more sensitive boy. He had been a momma's boy for the first 8-10 years of his life, and I thought had grown out of it a little. Again, when his sister decided to live with us full-time in October, he decided (with the persuasion of his father no doubt) that he would live with his dad full-time. We only lived approximatley 1-1/2 miles apart, so I still saw him often. Anyhow, Michael is the kind that doesn't have very many friends, is big for his age (tall and somewhat overweight), but a cute boy (if I do say so myself). He has never gotten into sports because he has always been somewhat clumsy, awkward, and his weight slows him down. Beleive me, we have tried other avenues with him to make more friends, do more things, etc. For the most part he is bored all the time.

To get back to the point, for the past 3-4 days when he has talked to me on the phone he has cried and said things like I shouldn't leave my kids; he and his sister are only 14; it's not right; why are you leaving us; you can't leave us; etc. He was over Sunday night and then also last night. We talked in his room for a long time and all these questions and statements came up again. I know that logically explaining to him we our out of money and this is a once in a lifetime job opportunity for Keith goes in one ear and out the other. I know this. I don't expect anything else. He is worried he won't see me much. I have told him that I would try to drive up one weekend a month and stay with my mom; that they can come down anytime they want for school breaks and all; that I want them; that if they ever decide they want to move with us they are welcome (which he gave me a definite NO about moving); but he says that right now he can come and see me whenever he wants and he doesn't want to not have that.

Again, I know this thread was for the mothers who have left their children a lot farther away that I am, and do not get to see them nearly the amount I will be able to see mine, but my children's feelings and emotions are the same as your kids at this moment in time. I have no answers for him that will ease his pain. We cried together and I think he knows how hard it will be on me too, but what kind of answer can I come back with to "you can't leave us, it's not right to leave your kids"?