The child I left behind

[Fetaria 0]

Anyone out there have a child still living in the country they moved from? My children's father and I, through mediation, decided to let the young ones have a say in where they lived.. along with what we thought best for the moment. Our 9 yr daughter moved here with me, our 11yr old son stayed with his dad. We have had to deal with a great deal of scrutiny already over the decision to separate them, so I do not need any more of that. What I am looking for however is if anyone else has or is dealing with this type of separation. Some days I do ok, some days I do not so ok. My son and I are very close and we talk often. I try to keep things positive and bring up the next time we will be together and how wonderful it will be. The other night he tells me how much he misses me and wishes I could be there to tuck him in like I use to, how nothing comforts him like I can. When I hear these things is breaks my heart into pieces. The decision to move and make this life change was not an easy one, I stayed in an unhappy marriage for many years "for the kids sake". I think at times I could easily sway him into saying out loud that he would like to move here with us but I don't want to go there. I am trying to keep things positive for him. What happens then however is that my husband gets the messy breakdown when I cannot stay positive any longer. He has huge amounts of stress through work and school and the last thing he needs is to be worrying about me and my mental state. So then atop the guilt over not being with my child on a daily basis I have guilt over being unhappy at times with a most beautiful life I have been given by my husband. Something I am leary of as well is when my son comes to visit this summer, I want to be careful not to overcompensate and make the children here (my daughter and two step children) feel as if they have been shoved aside yet at the same time I need my son to feel as if he is just as much a part of the family as they are and I want to make up for lost time with him. Not sure what I am looking for here, it is not judgement as I say, or sympathy for that matter. Just similar stories if they are out there and what others may of been through in regards to such a situation.

[joej 0]

I haven't experienced this, just wanted to extend my sympathies. It sounds like such a tough and heart wrenching situation.

Best Wishes

[Euro 3]

I KNow how you feel.........................My EX wanted my son to stay in the UK with him, The thought of moving here to a new place,new school etc was a bit daunting for my son too, so he wanted to stay!!.he has just had his Birthday he is now 10, it is very very hard, we talk almost every day, some times he is busy, ya know playing outside with his friends & stuff, but we chat online with webcams, when i see him on cam my heart just melts.....I will be going back to England soon for my CR1 interview & am SOOOOO excited as i will be seeing my gorgeous little man

It is my hope that when he has visited a few times (he has fear of flying) and also thinks it takes too long to get to America ...when he has been & when he gets a little older he will choose to come here to live with me!!...

I also left behind my other son, who is 22 and almost a grown up .......I miss him a great deal too.............but we talk, all of us talk, my older son has a morgage a girlfriend, cats.......and he is happy, so that makes me happy, BUT i cant wait to see them both again, and that day is going to be realy realy soon

So your not alone is what i'm saying, I know exactly how you feel

Amanda

[Danette 0]

Hi,

I am going to send you a PM.

Danette

[Peggy 1]

HUGS

It must be hard for you.

I have one son here with me who is now 17, and my 21 year old son is at home. I get sad not being able to see him everyday like we did. He is 21 now and a young man, but I still miss him. I cant imagine for those of you that had to leave a smaller child. That would be a heart breaker for sure.

All you can do is get thru each day. Keep talking to them. I call my oldest son all the time.

I had the guilt feeling of seperating my sons too, as they are very close. I miss them wrestling and me having to tell them to settle down before one of them got hurt........lol. Miss seeing them walking down the lane together going for a walk . Just miss them being brothers and doing stuff together

Its hard no matter how old your child is that is left behind

[Welshcookie 17]

I am sorry you have to go thro this. I have been in a similar situation at one point in my life. 11 years ago I lost custody of my children when I went thro my divorce, they were only small children and it broke all our hearts. I certainly remember those days when the pain seems overbearing and nobody can make it better for you. They finally came back to live with me when they got old enough to make that decision...but I can never get those missed years back.

They are all grown up now and I know I will be leaving them in a couple of years to move to the States...I will still miss them as much but I know they have their own lives to lead.

I guess I focused on other things in my life to get me thro'....ran some pubs...put myself thro Uni etc. I can't say it ever gets better but you do get more 'used' to it. I had another child later who was a great comfort and blessing to me, delight in the children around you (I am sure you do anyway)......but importantly be kind to yourself, you gave your children the choice and that was an amazing thing to do, he may well feel he made the wrong choice and I guess it is so hard for him wanting you and his dad.

Maybe you should talk to the other children before your sons visit and apologize in advance if you appear to 'over compensate' while if is there and explain how much you have missed him and he you.

All the best to you and I hope your spirits lift.

[jodee 30]

There are quite a few of us here in similar situations to yours. I left my kids behind 2 years ago,..I have twin girls. The seperation at times can be gut wretching, to the point of questioning your rights to your own happiness over your children. My children came to live with me only a month ago, and the adjustment has been difficult, again to the point of questioning if I did the right thing by now taking them away from the only lifestyle they have ever known. I was always getting my kids, I just had to deal with the seperation for two years.

I know Raphael also is seperated from her daughter at the moment.

Feel free to contact me if you need to chat.

I feel for you, I really do...

Jodee

[raphael7546 0]

Yep, there's a few of us on here but we don't mention it much becuz its bad enough having to leave them behind, but worse when you come into a Forum thats supposed to be here to support you and your Chastised for it. I usually don't post much on here about it cuz I end up in tears. ( which I am now)

Its gutwrenching to say the least. Luckily my daughter comes to visit, plus we go online on webcam all the time. You miss the small things tho, like hearing her little giggle. reading to her at bedtime, teasing her about the little biy who has a school crush on her. brushing her hair, drawing a bath for her, shopping for school clothes etc... I even miss hearing the kids programs she used to watch on TV. its funny cuz I used to complain that her TV was too loud. Now I would give anything to say have to say that.

My daughter lived with me all her life. She didn't want to live with her dad. her dad had agreed to let her move, but 2 weeks before our Interview he decided against it and withdrew the permission letter. I had been separated from my new hubby for over 2 yrs.( not even a visit) and after finally getting this Visa I was able to be with him. Whereas When others were delighted to get their Visas, mine was bittersweet knowing I would be leaving my sweet daughter behind. I often started to second guess my decision to move. My parents were my saving grace. They are very religious. They told me that things happen for a reason and if I wasn't meant to move to the states I wouldn't have gotten this Visa. That this is only a temporary separation from my daughter. In fact I still have joint custody and she will be moving here to me in 2 yrs when she turns 12. This is written up in our new custody agreement and it cannot be changed.

My daughter is coming March 12th for a visit ( spring break) she will also come for the complete Summer vacation as well.

All I can do is count the days and hope I get thru this temporary albeit devastating situation.

As for people judging those of us who had to leave children behind... as the saying goes... "Until you've walked a mile in my shoes...."

[Marilyn. 340]

I know it isn't quite the same but I have 5 younger sibs, two of my brothers are in there 20's but the 3 younger ones are all under the age of 15... I was kind of like a second mom to the younger ones ... I miss them like crazy... I hopefully will be able to see them in April....

The night before I left, I was saying goodbye to them and I broke down and cried when I was saying goodbye to my little sister who was 9 at the time

I miss baking cookies with my 13 year old brother and I miss my 15 year old brother calling me "Monya"... (he called me that when he first starting talking and he still calls me that)....

[ChristinaM 0]

I feel for all of you so much and I hope that you get to be reunited as soon as possible, be it for a weekend, long vacation or forever.

[Euro 3]

This thread is so good, I didnt realise so many more of you had been seperated from your kids like me, its something we just dont talk about.

but now i can say it out LOUD....."I miss my little man so much "

[Welshcookie 17]

This thread is so good, I didnt realise so many more of you had been seperated from your kids like me, its something we just dont talk about.

but now i can say it out LOUD....."I miss my little man so much "

I didn't realize you left alone Amanda.....*hugs* to ya! Society does't take well to women who live without their kids..for whatever reason....I guess that's why there is a kind of 'silence' about it.....who wants to be criticized when there is already alot of pain....

[Fetaria 0]

The response here and the e mails to me in such a short time have been overwhelming and wonderful. I admit I was leary about posting this but my heart has been so heavy over this and it just helps knowing I am not the only parent going through this. As I responded to a good friend I met here on VJ, when I made the final decision in all this I really was looking at the big picture and what was best in the long run. I want my children to always follow their hearts and know nothing is impossible if they want it badly enough. If my daughter ( or son for that matter ) stayed in an unhealthy relationship for any reason I would be disapointed and so I made the choice to set an example and not have them in ten years from now ask me why I wasted even more years of my life pretending to be happy when most likely causing more damage than good. One thing is for sure, this whole life change has made me appreciate my time with family so very much. The details matter, I cherish every single moment. If only we had a crystal ball when making these decisons.. which is why as I said we must follow our hearts and believe in the choices we make. My heart goes out to each of you and please dont be afraid to share this type of thing.. I came searching for some comfort and found it because you spoke up.

[TracyTN 237]

Those of you going through this process with children, particularly those who must leave a child behind, are incredibly strong, and I wish you all the best.

[maggs 0]

Hello to all of you

I don't post here very often but I came across this post and had to reply. I also left my older daughter who was 21 when I left UK in 2003 and I have shared each and every emotion you have all written about. I too am crying because I miss my lovely girl and friend so much, not ever realising just how long we would have to be apart. The pain hurts so very much some days that I feel lost but nowhere near as lost as she does some days. I have a wonderful life here with my husband. I even have my now 21 year old son here and 3 step children but I still don't have my beautiful daughter and it hurts so much. I know that one day she will join me here in the US but I also know that it will take many years for that day to arrive. I feel for those of you that have younger children as I can't even imagine how you must feeling but I send you warmest wishes and speedy reunions with your child.

Maggie

name='Fetaria' date='Mar 2 2006, 11:13 AM' post='54758']

Anyone out there have a child still living in the country they moved from?