Time to let go?

[kelly11anne 6]

Is it time for me to let go? Most of our relationship has been rough and he has threatened divorce and leaving me pretty much anytime we have a fight. I have always fought to save the marriage. I realized that I have heard many times how much happier he was when he was single and in his country and rarely hear how happy he is with me. What is he waiting for? Should I just end it? In one breathe he tells me that he wants to go back and in the next he talks about us buying a house in the future. I can't keep up. MY LIFE used to be so simple. Now it's a daily struggle to avoid fights.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Sad to read this.

My suggestion is to think of your your happiness. What will make you happy.

Good luck.

[MedRoni 161]

Unfortunately only you can really answer this.

If your life has become a daily struggle then maybe it is time to take a very close, serious look. Is he open to talking about it all? Maybe open to marriage counseling? If you both truly love each other and both truly want to be married then it is worth working on.

If not, then maybe letting go is the best option.

When he talks about going back - does he mean with you - or alone?

[kelly11anne 6]

At times he says with me, but more often he says alone. We went to marriage counseling but he didn't like it because often the counselor felt the same as me and told him he had to take more resposibility for his life. We had to stop going for financial reasons. I just feel like nothing I do is right and for all the effort I make in avoiding problems, he finds one anyway. There are good times too and I tend to just let go of the fights and issues when he calms down because I dont want to dwell on it. But they always come back. The smallest thing can set him off.

[davenella 21]

At times he says with me, but more often he says alone. We went to marriage counseling but he didn't like it because often the counselor felt the same as me and told him he had to take more resposibility for his life. We had to stop going for financial reasons. I just feel like nothing I do is right and for all the effort I make in avoiding problems, he finds one anyway. There are good times too and I tend to just let go of the fights and issues when he calms down because I dont want to dwell on it. But they always come back. The smallest thing can set him off.

I don't know what advice to give. I just feel your sadness.

I see that he's from latin america (i'm a latina too). For us leaving our country to go to the US is making a HUGE and amazing change. Our culture and life styles are totally different, i have notice that A LOT! .... but wait, i'm not excusing him. The thing is that he should have known since the begining in what he was entering to. At the begining, when i start having a relationship with my fiance i was wondering a lot if i was capable to leave this place to go to the US ... the time passed and i realize that i know that changes will be VERY HARD but my fiance loves me so much that i know and he also told me that i will receive his support. I can tell that you are doing that and i can feel how frustrated you are feeling. Nobody deserve to be treated like that and more when you are trying to make it work.

He must have a lot of mix feelings. But there are times in life that you have to put things in front of you and balance them. It's not only about him or only about you, it's about you both. You can't just keep making everything to make your marriage succeed if you see that he doesn't make any effort. That's behaving like a brat child, too inmature.

I really hope he can find balance and think before telling you all of those things.

I'm sending you a lot of good energies

[precious11 1]

Yes let go... And dont turn around

[jijichan 2]

Please do not act out of anything I say but consider what I have said. I do not know the details, it is your life and I cannot say do this or that. Just consider what I have said.

I am sorry to hear this kellyanne. One of the most important things in a marriage to do is to never use the words "divorce" or "seperation" you should never threaten your spouse that "you will leave or divorce if they do not do this..." if you want a long happy marriage. If he loved you so much and could not live without you then the thought of him divorcing you should be too scary for him to say. Unfortunately he is considering divorce which should never be an option or used as a catalyst for change in any relationship. It shows what he is thinking and where his heart is in regards to you. No one can really tell you what to do they can just point things out. The question is if he does leave you then comes back would you be willing to take him back. It seems no one can talk to him; he listens to no one. If he really loves you and cannot be without you then he will eventually change himself.

Love is what carries us through the hard times and the good times. I question if he does love you or not. You have to ask yourself do you love this man so much that you are willing to stay with him until you die even if you are unhappy? Do you love him so much to believe that if he leaves you he will eventually come back? You should have a happy life, but you committed to him you vowed to him and he vowed to you; promises should not be broken.

[kelly11anne 6]

To davenella: I'm glad you wrote that about the culture. I found that out the hard way. That's exactly what he says and uses a lot in fights. "Look how much I did for you and it's your fault for not telling me how awful this country is. You should have known it would be so hard for me." I think it's worse for a man in a way because of the work. He has had a hard time finding a good job. He had been an athlete in his country and was paid decently for that country. Here there are not jobs in that and he is not making as much as he thought he would. Like a lot of people from there, I think he thought he would come here and make a ton of money. He is doing fine and has bought a truck and we are doing fine financially, but he wanted more I guess. Before he had enough to live well and spend extra on whatever he wanted. Here it's not like that for us and sometimes I have to say we can't afford things. He reminds me a lot about the great life he left behind for me and how if he goes back he will have to start all over again from zero and if he ever has to do that he will hate me forever. I think that is where I feel the more guilt or the thing that makes me feel the worst.

[kelly11anne 6]

To jijichan: I come from parents who have been together for 30 years. I was shown that when there's something broke, you fix it, you don't throw it away. He comes from a nasty divorce and a severely disfunctional family. I think your history plays a part in most things. I also believe you shouldn't judge someone solely on that. He is no stranger to divorce. I am technically his third wife. His first marriage he was young. The second ended as we met and was nasty. So for him, divorce is just the logical answer when you're not happy. I have had to repeat many times that couples can have fights and it doesn't have to be the end of the marriage.

As for md taking him back, I already have. When he gets mad and tells me he wants to separate, he does in some way. When we were in his country and not living together he would just go back to his apartment and we would "break up" dor a week

[kelly11anne 6]

Sorry, that sent on accident. We would break up for a week or so. Now that he is here and has nowhere to go, he just goes to the couch and doesn't talk to me. At one point that got so bad because he would say nasty things when I got home that I finally decided to leave. I spent a night at a friends and a few more at my sisters. In those days he started off texting nasty things then switched to the take me back please. Again, trying to save it, I took him back. It's a cycle now and nothing changes although I've begged him many times to work through problems and move on. I guess your last comment is the one that gets me. If I continue I don't know if he'll leave or not and it just drags on with occasional happy days and occasional horrible days and talk of divorce.

[Ismail+Cassie 36]

You know..My fiance says a lot of ####### when hes mad at me. SOmetimes things that really push it too hard, but after alll the years Ive learned that that is who he is and Ive accepted him. Cuz I know I have issues too. Haha. We just went through what you are. It was terrible and he was doing just as ur husband is. But it passes. You could give up but r u gonna regret it? My dad and family always tell me soo many people have such such hard time. No one realizes its thta hard until you actually in that position. Many people here still might not have had such a hard position. But most people justs look for divorce, but the ones that push through, and make up , end up so strong. Ive seen it myself with several marriage. Im not saying too tho that if u put up with it, he will change and ull be happy. Only you know for urself.

You could be better off by yourself. But just Im saying this happens to a lot of ppl and no one fights it. But Its different if he mentally abusing you, or just has this kind of personality. The way later he talks about your future reminds me of my fiance alittle. Is he new to the states at all like within a year? Cuz then I would definatly try to work with him. We cant imagine how hard it would be..Ive moved to my fiances country for years but I just know he can do something like that like I did. Hes a different person. We all are different. In the end you know best, u know him, u know your happiness, and you know the details.thats just my imput. Cuz ive felt that before. And everyone told me hes terrible for me, he treats me bad, he cant change..but they didnt know the details and they didnt know HIM like I did. Im glad I didnt listen. Cuz now Im so happy with him more then anytime in my life. Keep strong <3

Reading you last comment..Thats something a little different. That childish to be blunt. If hes playing games with you like that..thats different. lIke harrassing you with texts, and not caring if you stay at a friends cuz of him..That sounds a bit different then what I was thinking. Bu still you know best.

Edited April 14, 2013 by Ismail+Cassie

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

Is it time for me to let go? Most of our relationship has been rough and he has threatened divorce and leaving me pretty much anytime we have a fight. I have always fought to save the marriage. I realized that I have heard many times how much happier he was when he was single and in his country and rarely hear how happy he is with me. What is he waiting for? Should I just end it? In one breathe he tells me that he wants to go back and in the next he talks about us buying a house in the future. I can't keep up. MY LIFE used to be so simple. Now it's a daily struggle to avoid fights.

Keep in mind adjusting new life, country, expectations is not easy. With that said, there is no excuse for the misery he is causing you. What is it that your heart saying? at the end of the day it is your life, your happiness and your decision. If the pros outweigh the cons then there is a reason to give it time, if not? Then it is time for a serious decisions to be made. Take some time off and go away for a few days to re-evaluate everything from A-Z and trust your instinct.

When everything is said and done, will you be better off without him? even if it is painful for a while? ONLY YOU would know the answer!

Good luck

[rascalcat 28]

To davenella: I'm glad you wrote that about the culture. I found that out the hard way. That's exactly what he says and uses a lot in fights. "Look how much I did for you and it's your fault for not telling me how awful this country is. You should have known it would be so hard for me." I think it's worse for a man in a way because of the work. He has had a hard time finding a good job. He had been an athlete in his country and was paid decently for that country. Here there are not jobs in that and he is not making as much as he thought he would. Like a lot of people from there, I think he thought he would come here and make a ton of money. He is doing fine and has bought a truck and we are doing fine financially, but he wanted more I guess. Before he had enough to live well and spend extra on whatever he wanted. Here it's not like that for us and sometimes I have to say we can't afford things. He reminds me a lot about the great life he left behind for me and how if he goes back he will have to start all over again from zero and if he ever has to do that he will hate me forever. I think that is where I feel the more guilt or the thing that makes me feel the worst.

Everyone goes through tough times, however he should not be blaming you for finding it difficult to adjust in a different country. As you already said, he bought a truck and is doing o.k financially.. however some people are never satisfied and always want more. It certainly does not sound like it is your fault that your husband is unhappy. It sounds more like the fact that he is blaming you for things in his own life that he is unhappy with.. things that are his responsibility. Some people expect too much straight away in life, and life is not like that. You have to work hard to get where you want to go. The fact that he is blaming you for things not going exactly how he wants everything to be, is very childish of him. Yes he needs to act like an adult and accept his responsibilities in life instead putting the blame on you. You cant do everything for him.. he has to accept and do this for himself. He is an adult! And he should respect his wife! When you love and respect someone, you do not say those things that he has said to you... that he will hate you forever if he has to go back and start again? His resentful attitude is totally unacceptable! He is treating you like a doormat. The fact that you are together should be the most importaint thing to him. Yes times are tough but things change. And if he really cares about you then he will treat you better than this.

Personally, i think he is being very selfish. What about the sacrifices you had to make to be together? And so what if you both had to move again.. the whole point in it is to be together. Sounds more like he is only there to get everything out of it for himself. He sounds very self importaint. Maybe you should tell him to man up or get out! Do not allow yourself to be treated like a doormat or he will keep doing it. Threatening you with divorce? what kind of loving husband does that?! there is no excuse for being a complete jerk! kick his #### out the door!

[rascalcat 28]

and by the sound of it, thos is making you very unhappy. You deserve better that this. Re evaluate the situation.. if you really want to try and make it work then give it a few more weeks, and next time he blames you, tell him it takes 2 people to make a relationship work, not 1! ..but dont waste time in a relationship you are unhappy in. Deep down you know if you are really happy. If you feel hurt all the time by him and feel like you are trying not to upset him all the time, then that is a sign the relationship is over. In that case, do yourself a favor and get out of the relationship. It will only cause more pain in the future by staying. You can do a lot better than this, and you will!

[Darnell 8,478]

i think his outlook would change if he got back into semi-pro or pro sports.

Suggest you find the teams in a 400 mile radius, find out the tryout dates, and show him all of this stuff on a map with a calendar (and the nearest gym also, he has to get back in shape)

I mention this, cause the one thing he was good at ? he's not doing it, at the moment.

what was his sport, btw ?