How much adjustment time?

[chispas 0]

Just curious as to how long it took most for their spouses to adjust to living in the U.S? How long to get a driver's license? How long before you the US release the financial obligations to them? My husband would like more control over the finances, and those decisions but with his own little account he can' seem to keep from overdrawing it or budget the expenses. His answer is he doesn't have enough money from his job!! I don't want creditors at my door and my instinct says wait until their is proof of responsibility. What do you guys say?

Thanks

[joej 0]

Well I think it is a huge adjustment for anyone. It seems like quite a journey for both spouses. I think the drivers liscence is a major hurdle. In our state it was mandatory to take drivers education. The class and the actual driving hours lasts about 4-6 weeks, depending on their schedule. I remember how much that sucked.

I think the finances thing is something most couples go through though. Trying to combine two incomes and decide who pays which bills, who heads the money, etc. can be a major pain. Since we have a baby already, I think that combining everything has been the best option so far. Time will tell though.

Regards,

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

DL depends very much on the individual. Some need it really bad, others want it really bad and yet others don't worry much about it. Nani's been here for 2 years and she now feels ready to learn how to drive and go for her DL (she's got the learners permit). That was just not a priority for her and while I felt she should be able to drive, I will be the last one to push her behind the wheel.

Finances? We have everything together. There's no "my income and yours" or "my expense or yours". It's our income and our expenses. This approach has been important when Nani first came and before she started to work and will be particularly important again once Nani leaves to work force to care for our baby which is due in September. We're a married couple. A family. Everything goes into and comes out of joint accounts - we just don't have anything but joint accounts other than retirement accounts. I am the one keeping track of the finances, making sure the bills are paid on time and I balance the accounts regularly. And that's not going to change.

[Kanyiri 0]

There is no rule as to how long it is going to take to adjust. Everyone's situation is different. It depends on where they are coming from, their maturity level, their personality, etc.

As for the finances, I wouldn't totally hand over the reigns until you are completely confident that nothing will happen. Why not try to do the finances together? If you don't trust that he's learned enough yet and you hand everything over to him, your relationship is going to have bigger problems much more quickly.

Do what feels right.

Re and I are sharing an account, but I basically do all the finances. We worked out a budget together and I taught him how to pay all the bills, but he still leaves it to me.

[onwa 6]

Adjusting.... it takes time. For the USC as well. Marraige is just a huge adjustment. At least for me. Finances. I find that envelope budgeting works well. My husband at first didn't believe me twhen I told him the amount we spent per month on groceries. (this is Hawaii--where a gallon of milk costs $7.00) So I put the money in an envelope and used it whenever we bought food and kept the receipts. We have two joint accounts--but one is primarily mine and the other is his. But we share all the money we make. Its our family and this works for us.

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

(this is Hawaii--where a gallon of milk costs $7.00)

Holy #######! Seven bucks? Gallon of milk runs $2.00 - $3.00 here.

I bet pineapples are cheaper there, though.

[chispas 0]

Thanks for the responses. Both of the accounts we have are joint, but the one I called "his" is one he opened and went through the whole process of setting up. However, that is continually overdrawn and I don't want to release the management of the one I have had for 15 years. We did go to a financial class together on how to budget etc. and there they taught the envelope system. But having cash readily at hand didn't work either because the receipts of purchase weren't replacing the cash. I will follow my instincts and primarily be the bill manager until or if management gets better.

Thanks guys.

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

We did go to a financial class together on how to budget etc. and there they taught the envelope system. But having cash readily at hand didn't work either because the receipts of purchase weren't replacing the cash.

Is there an envelope for "money to send to family"? Just asking 'cause if we had envelopes, that would need to be one of them. Nani sends some money to her mom every month. Not sure how that works for other couples with an African spouse but I'd have yet to meet anyone from Africa that doesn't support in some way the family back home financially...

[chispas 0]

Yup. One might want to add that envelope too.

[joej 0]

We did go to a financial class together on how to budget etc. and there they taught the envelope system. But having cash readily at hand didn't work either because the receipts of purchase weren't replacing the cash.

Is there an envelope for "money to send to family"? Just asking 'cause if we had envelopes, that would need to be one of them. Nani sends some money to her mom every month. Not sure how that works for other couples with an African spouse but I'd have yet to meet anyone from Africa that doesn't support in some way the family back home financially...

Ouch. That can be a major matter of contention. Here in the US it seems uncommon to be giving family members money. For me it would be somewhat embarassing to take money from my parents, brother, etc. Yet in other cultures it is totally the opposite. Seems like parents are proud of children that can support them and such. I guess I'm going off the topic, but I think this can be a big issue in relationships.

[mollyandstephen 0]

Ouch. That can be a major matter of contention. Here in the US it seems uncommon to be giving family members money. For me it would be somewhat embarassing to take money from my parents, brother, etc. Yet in other cultures it is totally the opposite. Seems like parents are proud of children that can support them and such. I guess I'm going off the topic, but I think this can be a big issue in relationships.

I think it definitely CAN be a big issue in relationships. For us, we have decided that once my husband is able to start working (STILL waiting on that darn EAD) then we will send a set amount back to his mom----and mom only. We have already set up that boundary with his family so we don't have everyone calling us asking for money. We actually havent' received too many calls asking for money. I am totally okay with sending a set amount home to my mother-in-law. To be honest, it has helped me feel better about it to have a set amount to budget for his family. What is harder to handle is the unexpected requests for money. To me, it's easier when it's already budgeted. And my husband is committed to make sure that our needs are met FIRST. He never sacrifices our own needs for those of his family back home.

Molly

[joej 0]

Ouch. That can be a major matter of contention. Here in the US it seems uncommon to be giving family members money. For me it would be somewhat embarassing to take money from my parents, brother, etc. Yet in other cultures it is totally the opposite. Seems like parents are proud of children that can support them and such. I guess I'm going off the topic, but I think this can be a big issue in relationships.

I think it definitely CAN be a big issue in relationships. For us, we have decided that once my husband is able to start working (STILL waiting on that darn EAD) then we will send a set amount back to his mom----and mom only. We have already set up that boundary with his family so we don't have everyone calling us asking for money. We actually havent' received too many calls asking for money. I am totally okay with sending a set amount home to my mother-in-law. To be honest, it has helped me feel better about it to have a set amount to budget for his family. What is harder to handle is the unexpected requests for money. To me, it's easier when it's already budgeted. And my husband is committed to make sure that our needs are met FIRST. He never sacrifices our own needs for those of his family back home.

Molly

I think setting aside a set amount is a great idea.

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

Seems like parents are proud of children that can support them and such.

It's certainly a cultural difference that folks ought to be aware of. Whether it's the parents being proud or the children feeling a social obligation of some sort - I don't know. But I knew going into the relationship that providing some support to my mother-in-law would be part of the deal. Having met Nani's folks over there and having experienced how warm, open and giving they are, I really have fun helping out. Makes me feel good.

[chispas 0]

Molly hit the name on the head when she said meeting "their" needs first. Setting the boundaries ahead of time and sticking to them without the "special" exececptions is tough to handle.

Thanks

[Kanyiri 0]

Sending money to the family is defnitely an issue. Re is the eldest son, and as such is responsible for taking care of both of his parents. His father has two wives, so Re's mother moved out a while ago. This means sending money to two different places, and equates to twice the amount of money. I have actually told Re that we can/should send money b/c his mother is sick (has been for a few years now) and his sister's husband has basically abandoned her with a newborn.

Re has refused to send money and as such has endured harsh criticism from his mother. His mother cries and rants that her son has abandoned him and she will no longer consider him one of her own. She says that she knows he will forget about his family in Africa and only care for his wife and children, and is therefore no longer a part of the family.

I know this hurts him, but he and I don't have enough resources right now to be able to support his family plus us. Right now we are struggling to make ends meet here. I know his family (mother) won't understand that, but hopefully they will wait until we can send something. His father seems to be doing much better with everything, but I think this is more from guilt that he couldn't provide for Re while Re was in school.

Anyway, I think it is important for both to understand where they are coming from culturally here. In Ghana it is very important to take care of extended family, whereas in the US, it is very important to focus on the immediate family.