Dealing with family back home

[ecg19 7]

So, not really sure how to start this post...

Prior to meeting my husband, I lived in a different country from my family, but I was really great at staying in touch. I'd call every week, for an hour at a time, Skype, email etc. and just generally was good at staying in touch because I really relied on my family being there for me since I was away on my own.

Now, since I moved to the USA, I am the first to admit the contact hasn't been as frequent. I what's app my mum, but I don't call them anymore because I've been pretty badly homesick and every time I hear their voice, I feel so so far from home now because there are no other kiwis around me.

My mum and dad have started getting really upset with me for never being in touch, but this really is a coping mechanism. They think now I'm married that I don't need them anymore, which is NOT the case. I've told them these things, but my mum is still making me feel guilty for being so far away. We are trying to plan a trip to NZ next year but that will be funds dependent, and I can't promise it yet.

I'm really not sure what else I can do to keep everyone happy. I love my husband, and he's willing to move back to my home country but only when his retirement from the military rolls around in around ten years.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, but has anyone else had this problem, and how have you dealt with it? I know I'm blessed to have such loving parents but I also can't deal with the guilt.

Thanks

[moemac59 193]

So, not really sure how to start this post...

Prior to meeting my husband, I lived in a different country from my family, but I was really great at staying in touch. I'd call every week, for an hour at a time, Skype, email etc. and just generally was good at staying in touch because I really relied on my family being there for me since I was away on my own.

Now, since I moved to the USA, I am the first to admit the contact hasn't been as frequent. I what's app my mum, but I don't call them anymore because I've been pretty badly homesick and every time I hear their voice, I feel so so far from home now because there are no other kiwis around me.

My mum and dad have started getting really upset with me for never being in touch, but this really is a coping mechanism. They think now I'm married that I don't need them anymore, which is NOT the case. I've told them these things, but my mum is still making me feel guilty for being so far away. We are trying to plan a trip to NZ next year but that will be funds dependent, and I can't promise it yet.

I'm really not sure what else I can do to keep everyone happy. I love my husband, and he's willing to move back to my home country but only when his retirement from the military rolls around in around ten years.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, but has anyone else had this problem, and how have you dealt with it? I know I'm blessed to have such loving parents but I also can't deal with the guilt.

Thanks

Aww ECG19, that sucks. It sounds as though your parents maybe suffering from a bit of daughter withdrawal. Maybe you can give them a bit of tough love?? They have to realize that this is difficult for you being so homesick and that they as parents, should cut you a little bit of slack as you have enough of your plate as it is (away from home, new country, new husband).

You may have to have a stern but loving talk with them and just let them know that when you communicate with them that you don't want to be reprimanded or made to feel guilty because you haven't been in contact for awhile. You may also have to be honest and let them know that when this does happen, that their guilt makes you hesitant to call them. Hence, less contact.

I hope things work out for you.

Good luck

[Caryh 5,206]

So, not really sure how to start this post...

Prior to meeting my husband, I lived in a different country from my family, but I was really great at staying in touch. I'd call every week, for an hour at a time, Skype, email etc. and just generally was good at staying in touch because I really relied on my family being there for me since I was away on my own.

Now, since I moved to the USA, I am the first to admit the contact hasn't been as frequent. I what's app my mum, but I don't call them anymore because I've been pretty badly homesick and every time I hear their voice, I feel so so far from home now because there are no other kiwis around me.

My mum and dad have started getting really upset with me for never being in touch, but this really is a coping mechanism. They think now I'm married that I don't need them anymore, which is NOT the case. I've told them these things, but my mum is still making me feel guilty for being so far away. We are trying to plan a trip to NZ next year but that will be funds dependent, and I can't promise it yet.

I'm really not sure what else I can do to keep everyone happy. I love my husband, and he's willing to move back to my home country but only when his retirement from the military rolls around in around ten years.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, but has anyone else had this problem, and how have you dealt with it? I know I'm blessed to have such loving parents but I also can't deal with the guilt.

Thanks

My wife has the same coping mechanism as you do. She misses her family and every time she talks with them its a crying jag afterwards. It's worse after a skyping with cams with them, and she's quit the cam chat totally lately. She claims its because of the poor internet signal there and the difficulty in keeping the connection going, but I'm well aware that's only an excuse. She has been here and year and half now, and I see this as slowly getting better, but still there. Her family at least doesn't push on this, as they know when she's feeling bad she'll just pull back, and trying to talk won't do any good. She does text a lot though, and that seems to give her the distance from her emotions while still staying in touch. Then the occasional phone call to, which appear to be getting a bit closer together now and are not followed by a crying jag normally. I'll know she's really over it when she asks them to get back on the computer and skype again. When she gets a batch of letters and cards from home, you should see the faucet works! I'll just hold her until she she's done crying and slowly get her back to smiling again. Last batch the tears only lasted a minute or two.

My only advice is to tell your parents how hard it is for you after you talk and use other methods to keep in contact that also allow you a bit of emotional distance. Text, email or even letters. I'm not sure how long you've been here, but it will get better with time and the phone calls and skyping can resume.

[ecg19 7]

Aww ECG19, that sucks. It sounds as though your parents maybe suffering from a bit of daughter withdrawal. Maybe you can give them a bit of tough love?? They have to realize that this is difficult for you being so homesick and that they as parents, should cut you a little bit of slack as you have enough of your plate as it is (away from home, new country, new husband).

You may have to have a stern but loving talk with them and just let them know that when you communicate with them that you don't want to be reprimanded or made to feel guilty because you haven't been in contact for awhile. You may also have to be honest and let them know that when this does happen, that their guilt makes you hesitant to call them. Hence, less contact.

I hope things work out for you.

Good luck

Thanks, I ended up messaging my mum yesterday. Her initial response was to get victimised, and claim that I am acting like I don't love or care for them, but in the end she explained that she feels that she needs to hear from me to know that I am ok and safe and happy. When she said that, it made me realise I guess why she needs to hear from me, and if I don't contact them that she thinks something is wrong. I did explain though that her random attacks at me for not being in touch won't help our relationship, and that if I don't contact them that it is because I am feeling homesick, not unhappy!

My wife has the same coping mechanism as you do. She misses her family and every time she talks with them its a crying jag afterwards. It's worse after a skyping with cams with them, and she's quit the cam chat totally lately. She claims its because of the poor internet signal there and the difficulty in keeping the connection going, but I'm well aware that's only an excuse. She has been here and year and half now, and I see this as slowly getting better, but still there. Her family at least doesn't push on this, as they know when she's feeling bad she'll just pull back, and trying to talk won't do any good. She does text a lot though, and that seems to give her the distance from her emotions while still staying in touch. Then the occasional phone call to, which appear to be getting a bit closer together now and are not followed by a crying jag normally. I'll know she's really over it when she asks them to get back on the computer and skype again. When she gets a batch of letters and cards from home, you should see the faucet works! I'll just hold her until she she's done crying and slowly get her back to smiling again. Last batch the tears only lasted a minute or two.

My only advice is to tell your parents how hard it is for you after you talk and use other methods to keep in contact that also allow you a bit of emotional distance. Text, email or even letters. I'm not sure how long you've been here, but it will get better with time and the phone calls and skyping can resume.

Haha oh dear, your wife sounds like me! I say that the internet connection is too bad to skype because I can't handle it

I've been here for 3 months, but we're about to up and move to Germany for 3 or 4 years so I have another move to cope with too, which I don't think is helping things! I definitely agree that for now messaging is the best thing for me to keep focused and keep from getting homesick everyday. I am sure it will start getting better..!

[Caryh 5,206]

Haha oh dear, your wife sounds like me! I say that the internet connection is too bad to skype because I can't handle it

I've been here for 3 months, but we're about to up and move to Germany for 3 or 4 years so I have another move to cope with too, which I don't think is helping things! I definitely agree that for now messaging is the best thing for me to keep focused and keep from getting homesick everyday. I am sure it will start getting better..!

Don't you wish there was a pill that would make homesickness go away? I don't care if it cost a thousand dollars, I'd but that for my wife. Hard to say how long it will be, everyone is different. My wife is one of the people that moving from her home country was real hard on, and her adjustment has been slow. I've met others from her country that moved to the USA, and not suffered homesickness at all or its been very minor. Or at least they claimed so. Moving to yet another country isn't going to be easy I'm sure. At least with the USA we almost speak the same language as New Zealand.

[EminTX 131]

If y'all can schedule some routine activities, like meals, "together" on Skype, this has been helpful for us. Our favorite is to get/make a roasted chicken and salad here and the family overseas does the same thing. The shy brother can still be and feel like part of the group even though he is just listening and munching and Mom can feel like she is still hovering/watching over our nutrition and Dad can make his gross jokes at the table if he wants and there is no pressure. With the distraction of the yummy grub, this has worked out very well. (We usually use the laptops in the kitchens, but whatever it takes to make it work is fine. Burgers or sandwiches work just as well, too. People are different over dinner than just with the pressure of a camera and conversation.)

It is even better if you have sent a package and they can open it on camera with y'all watching--cookies or some other desert item is always a HUGE hit. With us, we once had a box with a helium balloon in it of a baby to announce the pregnancy. Oh yeah, that won some great points with the family!

When my husband first came here, his family was sweet at seeing him off, but seemed cool about it. He returned for 5 months to complete college and on his last day then, his mother completely lost it with the tears and guilt trip and everything. THAT just about killed him.

Having a cell phone with unrestricted international calls to his home country has really helped, too. They call him to let him know they wanna talk and he calls right back. I work 17 hour shifts on the weekends so they know that weekends are the best times to get a hold of him when we aren't running around so that works out pretty well.

I think, also, that the trip back helped everybody, including him, in the adjustment. They could see that he wasn't starving and that he was thriving and that they could trust me and this very foreign place (especially since they have COPS and other TV shows like that over there). He was also able to better appreciate the good things here that he had gotten so used to (hot water in every faucet, Subway, having a truck to get around in, etc).

[MattandRose 0]

Kia Ora Have you looked online for the nearest Kiwi group? I live in Victoria on Vancouver Island. Victoriakiwis get together once a year for a hangi. Its awesome! Vancouver has a group that gets together on Waitangi day and theres 2 kiwi bars in Van as well. You will be surprised how many kiwis there are in this part of the world. Kia Kaha the homesickness does go away.

[G0ds1ay3r 30]

Kia Ora Have you looked online for the nearest Kiwi group? I live in Victoria on Vancouver Island. Victoriakiwis get together once a year for a hangi. Its awesome! Vancouver has a group that gets together on Waitangi day and theres 2 kiwi bars in Van as well. You will be surprised how many kiwis there are in this part of the world. Kia Kaha the homesickness does go away.

There is a kiwi club that meets monthly in San Francisco that I used to go to.