Q: Which one is telling a lie?

[one...two...tree 2,762]

A: All of them. Everybody fibs — but even the little white ones can damage your relationship, says Andrew G. Marshall

It should, in theory, be easy to spot a liar in a relationship. After all, we often hear and utter white lies such as: “Sorry, the traffic was awful”; “I’ve almost finished that report”; and “I’m afraid we’re already doing something that night.” Such little lies are considered necessary to lubricate the wheels of polite society. But serial lying is another matter. And when it seeps into a relationship, whether it is with your partner, your children or work colleagues, it is a sign that something is wrong. So what is happening and how can you weed out the lies? The best way to understand lying is to think of the circumstances in which you are most likely to prevaricate. Often it is because we want an easy life and to avoid confrontation. This happens a good deal in intimate relationships. “It was simpler to tell my partner that there were only women in my art class,” says Martina, 35. “Otherwise he gets huffy about what time I come home or makes snide remarks. Anyway, it was not as if I was going to do anything with the sole man there.” These ruses work in the short term but, once uncovered, can cause endless unhappiness. Martina’s fib was discovered when her partner, Simon, “surprised” her with a lift home.

Another excuse that we tell ourselves is that it is kinder to lie. “I have a friend who has the dress sense of a bag lady,” says Ashley, 27. “She had made a special effort for a rather grand wedding and arrived with a flourish and a ‘What do you think?’ I could hardly tell her the truth.” Not only did Ashley’s friend not get the benefit of her advice but white lies build a barrier between friends that makes open and honest communication more difficult.

At the other end of the scale from white lies is the cover-up. These lies are nearly always driven by shame or an flagrant attempt to get one over on someone, whether it is to sell a timeshare or to cheat on your partner. Sometimes deceit is understandable. “I tell people that my father is dead,” says Robert, 36, who works in the City. “I don’t want to talk about his drug problems and I don’t want his reputation to harm mine.” But this kind of lying has a very very corrosive effect. When Robert’s fiancée discovered that his father wasn’t dead and simply hadn’t been invited to the wedding, she had serious questions about whether she could trust her husband-to-be.

Finally, and most difficult to pin down, there are the lies that we use to deceive ourselves: “I am going to use my gym membership this year,” for example, and “If I work really hard I will get the promotion that I deserve,” or “I am happy”. It is probably only several years down the line that we will admit the truth. A little bit of denial can help us to get out of bed in the morning but it can also be a prescription for unhappiness and depression.

All these reasons for lying have one thing in common: protection, either of other people or most commonly ourselves. This understanding is key to defusing a lie. If it is a white lie, you can invite your friend, partner or child to level with you: “I’d much rather have the truth.” If you have been deceiving yourself, you can ask, “What am I afraid of?” or “Who am I trying to protect?” or “What would be the consequences of owning up to the truth?” With lies based on shame, you will need to reassure the person concerned that the truth will not damage your relationship and may even enhance it (this is hard because he or she will probably have low self-worth and fear that the “real” them is unlovable). At the bottom of quiet-life lies there is often a long-running but unaddressed dispute.

In the case of Martina and Simon, they faced up to his jealousy (rather than fighting over the truth) and reached a compromise. Martina had more freedom but kept Simon informed about what time she would be back.

Ultimately, like most things that we do to avoid pain, lying can cause more unhappiness than it solves. Honesty is always the best foundation for any relationship.

Andrew G. Marshall is a psychologist specialising in counselling for couples and the author of I Love You But I’m Not in Love with You (Bloomsbury, £10.99)

[Alex+R 0]

What brought this post on?

[garya505 2]

What brought this post on?

Would you like the truth or a little white lie?

[Fandango 1,439]

Yeah, i'm curious about that too

[one...two...tree 2,762]

What brought this post on?

Fibbing.

You want to long version or short one?

[Fandango 1,439]

What brought this post on?

Fibbing.

You want to long version or short one?

Long! and don't leave out the gory details either!!!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

What brought this post on?

Fibbing.

You want to long version or short one?

Long! and don't leave out the gory details either!!!

Well, we all fib as in the article, and we can make excuses for it that seem reasonable, but as the article points out, even little white lies can undermine the bond. For example, if I said I would pick up your dress from the laundromat after work and forgot, but I make the excuse that there was road construction and I got stuck in traffic to avoid you being angry or disappointed with me.

[meauxna 15]

For example, if I said I would pick up your dress from the laundromat after work and forgot, but I make the excuse that there was road construction and I got stuck in traffic to avoid you being angry or disappointed with me.

Yes, and that my friend, is known as being a weasel...

[one...two...tree 2,762]

For example, if I said I would pick up your dress from the laundromat after work and forgot, but I make the excuse that there was road construction and I got stuck in traffic to avoid you being angry or disappointed with me.

Yes, and that my friend, is known as being a weasel...

But honestly we've all made excuses like that at one time or another.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

For example, if I said I would pick up your dress from the laundromat after work and forgot, but I make the excuse that there was road construction and I got stuck in traffic to avoid you being angry or disappointed with me.

Yes, and that my friend, is known as being a weasel...

But honestly we've all made excuses like that at one time or another.

You guys make being a weasel sound like a bad thing.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

For example, if I said I would pick up your dress from the laundromat after work and forgot, but I make the excuse that there was road construction and I got stuck in traffic to avoid you being angry or disappointed with me.

Yes, and that my friend, is known as being a weasel...

But honestly we've all made excuses like that at one time or another.

You guys make being a weasel sound like a bad thing.

If it makes the difference between getting nooky later or not, weasel is not a bad animal to be.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

You guys make being a weasel sound like a bad thing.

If it makes the difference between getting nooky later or not, weasel is not a bad animal to be.

The benefits go well beyond simply getting nooky. Although that is nice too.

[Cristy 4]

Is ommission a lie?

I have a friend who got married and about a year later found out her dh had another child. He knew but did not tell her. Most guys seem to say that is not a lie. I think it is.

[mRx 16]

Is ommission a lie?

I have a friend who got married and about a year later found out her dh had another child. He knew but did not tell her. Most guys seem to say that is not a lie. I think it is.

D@mn right ommission is lying.You should never have to ASK for the truth. You should always expect it.