Wifes Family Asking For $ Advice

[Caryh 5,206]

As someone in a similar situation, do not sacrifice what little you have extra for them! If this debt is cleared I can almost guarantee you it will happen again. Her parents will act like this is an emergency and that it must be payed off. First off if their family is illegally loan-sharking, they have no right to collect. Tell them to pursue legal means to collect the debts from your in-laws and they will have no ability to do it. This is more a matter of PRIDE. Many filipinos are blinded by their pride and they know there will be a shame in not paying back a debt to their family(even though the real shame is the fact that their own family is sharking them). They made the decision to borrow the money, KNOWING they could not pay it back. They made the bed, now its time to let them sleep in it. Im sorry if I come off as harsh, but sometimes you have to be because if they somehow get you to pay it this once...they WILL do it again(cause hey, it worked last time!)

I went through a slightly different situation, where my wife's family was having her take out the debt(because she was working, but we werent married yet), and then when they couldnt pay the bill they came to daddy warbucks(me, although im not at all rich). I paid it because it was a small amount($50 maybe), then 2 weeks later her parents borrowed AGAIN, this time without my wife's permission! They came again to me for the money and I asked for the legally binding contract that established me(or my wife) as a co-signer(they showed me a notebook with hand written amounts, no terms, and a signature LOL.) I told them not happening and they were mad, but knew there was nothing they could do about it. I told her family they should not pay it since there is no legal remedy for the lender to collect. It has been about 10 months and those lenders have hawked them for the money, but havent been paid. These lenders were family, but even if it were my solution would've been the same.

Be strong and do not give in, unless you want to be set up for it happening again. It is very unlikely her uncle would resort to violence within the family. These lenders do NOT want to risk bringing the law into it because they could be jailed(for possibly long durations awaiting the court preceeding) as long as they cant bribe their way out of it.

I have to disagree with part of what you said. Many of these businesses are legal there. There are even GMO's that will help these businesses expand the business because its good for the economies of these third world countries. My wife expanded her 5/6 in the early days this way. Doesn't mean there are not people who get into it without being licensed, but USA loan sharking rules do not apply in many third world countries, and this includes the Philippines. High risk means high interest. The difference in the USA is none of these people borrowing the money would ever get a loan in the USA because the risk is too high and the maximum interest rate that can be charged limits how much risk a loan company can take. The main reason a case may not be filed, is the cost of filing and bringing a case and how likely they will collect the money. Sometimes its a loose loose situation even if they win the case. A bigger organization will still often bring a case just as an example to other borrowers though.

[Darnell 8,478]

oh poo.

It's the Uncle who's the loanshark. So, tell the father to tell the Uncle NO, then lets see if the Uncle kills the father (or vice versa).

[Tintin and Mike 127]

You just need to say no money is coming. We did not take out the loan, did not agree to the loan, and did not sign for the loan, its not our problem. They will certainly understand that your meaning then. Don't try to explain why you can't, just state you will not.

Right on!

[Caryh 5,206]

oh poo.

It's the Uncle who's the loanshark. So, tell the father to tell the Uncle NO, then lets see if the Uncle kills the father (or vice versa).

Or the Uncle is the conduit to the shark and also has his name on the papers. Don't blame the shark though, the shark was not the person who took out the loan. When these type of loans are properly used, families can do well because of them. My wife and her family is in the sharking business as we'd view it in the USA. And even in her family some people have abused these loans to waste the money and make no return. Took them out just so they could look like a king or queen for a while. Then try to turn the rest of the family to make good on the loans for them.

[actob99 156]

OP- your answer is in your post. You are barely making ends meet and no extra money. No extra money means no money to send. It's tough... Explain and talk about this topic in great length with the wife. It will be a topic of discussion your entire life. Good luck.

[Darnell 8,478]

Or the Uncle is the conduit to the shark and also has his name on the papers. Don't blame the shark though, the shark was not the person who took out the loan. When these type of loans are properly used, families can do well because of them. My wife and her family is in the sharking business as we'd view it in the USA. And even in her family some people have abused these loans to waste the money and make no return. Took them out just so they could look like a king or queen for a while. Then try to turn the rest of the family to make good on the loans for them.

just spent a long time reading yer post #15. Aiyo - what a mess !!!

[Calypso 464]

I wish that there would be segments of the CFO seminar that discuss issues like this to those who are getting K-1 and CR-1 visas. It may not be applicable to all immigrating Pinays but probably CFO can sort of prepare the beneficiary for them to:

1. inform their spouse/fiance that their family in the Philippines will be expecting financial assistance and whether they help and how or not is up to them as a couple

2. explain to their family in the Philippines that their daughter's husband won't be their meal ticket

3. create a smart arrangement should they decide to send money to the PH

Not all Kanos are aware of the practice of most Filipinos of helping their family in the PH financially. Not all Pinays know how to say NO or STOP when their family in the PH starts demanding this and that.

[pagong 7]

its so sad to hear that. in the Philippines if you have a poor family i think the child atleast would have to help them IF SHE/HE have the capacity to do so. But in your case you have to explain politely that you cant do it as of now.

the problem is that SOME relatives think that since you're in USA you're earning too much too and their lives was depending on you.

i believe it's so hard for your wife to hear all her parents problem/debt and can't do anything about it. she should try to talk to her family and explain things thoroughly. i hope that her family will understand you.

[pagong 7]

review her family's situation. if there's no way they can have an income then atleast make your wife think of how to help them. like i will provide $200 monthly and that's all i can give. don't stress your self too much. if you can't then just explain.

[Bob & Joana 2]

I have to disagree with part of what you said. Many of these businesses are legal there. There are even GMO's that will help these businesses expand the business because its good for the economies of these third world countries. My wife expanded her 5/6 in the early days this way. Doesn't mean there are not people who get into it without being licensed, but USA loan sharking rules do not apply in many third world countries, and this includes the Philippines. High risk means high interest. The difference in the USA is none of these people borrowing the money would ever get a loan in the USA because the risk is too high and the maximum interest rate that can be charged limits how much risk a loan company can take. The main reason a case may not be filed, is the cost of filing and bringing a case and how likely they will collect the money. Sometimes its a loose loose situation even if they win the case. A bigger organization will still often bring a case just as an example to other borrowers though.

In my particular situation, it was just someone from the barrio who had an OFW husband sharking out to the rest in the barrio. I know for a fact it was not licensed. Their documents consisted of a notebook all hand-written...that would not hold up in court, especially since there are no terms to go with it.

I know there are legitimate operations, but unless the loan is through an established company there is a good chance it is unlicensed and simply not paying it'll eventually go away -- even if this means the borrower will have to bear the shame of that person spreading word they they are delinquent.

[Robb&Ann 101]

I've read your post, and I wanted to post a reply.

Robb and I had talked about issues like this since I knew that this is actually common in my country. It is like buy 1 take all. or you marry 1 girl you love and you also marry her entire family. I guess these has been happening ever since. Some foreigners would build a house for the girl's family, send money to her family every month when she is in the states already,etc

I told Robb since we first met that my family is not his responsibility; that even once I get into the USA he is not responsible for sending money to my family. I always tell him that if my family needs help and if we have more extra money then that's the time when we can help.

My father has his own business and my father told me before that I am not responsible to send my siblings to school since it is his responsibilities as the father. And if I want to help, then that's ok. If not it is also fine. Last night we had talked about an issue like this since even before I finished my Nursing my aunt and my grandmother already told me and my sister that we should send our siblings to school. And i honestly felt bad that time. I haven't finished my college yet and they are already giving me an obligation or a responsibility like this that made me think what if I just quit going to school if theses are their only plan. I also have plans in my life and my father just asked me to finish my school or get educated because that's what they can only give to us as his daughters. And that if we want to help them later then it is fine but my father told me that I am not responsible for my siblings.

It is not being selfish but there was a saying that the daughter/son is not responsible for her parents. It is the parents responsibility to send their kids to school, provide food,etc.. BUT if the daughter/son would like to help their parents then it is fine. but if any in the family obliged you to send your siblings to school or send them money then that is a different story.

But I always tells to Robb that we will help my family if they need our help as long as we have an extra.

It is a matter of choice. And I am thankful to my father that he knows what he just said. I will help if I want to. I don't want to be obliged because it will just discourage me of helping them. I will help not because I am asked or obliged to help but because I made my own choice.

And the Uncle of your wife who just said that they will not talk to your wife if you don't send money to them? I hope he heard what he said!!! He might be a relative but your wife did not marry you for money. But because she is good she sends money to them. But she is actually not responsible to them. It is clear that some family of the girls here in the PI who married a foreigner just uses the girl to also lift their life from being poor. However, if the girl married because of love it is a different story. The priority would already be your own family and the family of the girl is only a second priority. If you have extra then that's when you can send. I always tell Robb that we should think of our own family first before my family or other people. We would settle first and the kids and once we have additional kids then they are our priority.

It is not bad to help the family but what makes it bad is when the family has lack of understanding on your situation and is abusive already. and they want to be prioritized. When my grandmother asked me for money for lottery, I would say I don't have an extra, this is only enough for the rent and food and I also say that I don't just poop money. I also let them know that we are in the process of visa, will be needing money for the visa, the condo rent, credit card,water and elect, etc..This is also one of the reason why I don't like going home to my aunt's house because they would ask me to buy this and that etc... But my father is not like that. That's why I am proud of my father for being a smart father.lol.

The money that Robb sends to me is due to his hard work and I don't want others to take advantage of me just because I am with a white man. Some would take advantage of us thinking that she will go to the US, for sure the guy is wealthy etc.. etc etc... what others don't know is not ALL white are rich and not ALL Filipino are poor

Again, it is not wrong to help your family back in PI but prioritize your own family now. The family in the PI should also know where they should stand. No girls who married white should be taken advantage. Give help if you want and if it is from your heart and if it is right. BUT if you feel like this is too much and is not right then don't. You can always say NO. Don't say yes if it is a NO. Some would use the "family" so that the girl will help. But I don't see that as the right action to do. I hope they open up their mind and let you and your wife help whenever you have extra.

I understand how hard it is here in Philippines. But I hope they don't use the girl who married white to save them. Everyone has to do something to help each other and not just one. Help if you have more extra but don't deprive your own family and put in a hard situation just because you tend to others first. I would say life in America is more harder than in PI. It is hard in America esp if you have mortgages. While in the PI mortgages is common to rich people. We usually don't have car insurance, house mortgage,credit cards. But in the US, using cellphone alone would cost monthly payments (here in PI you can have a prepaid phone, doesn't matter if you don't buy a load. you can buy a cellphone at P500), the car has an insurance, the house has a mortgage or a rental fee. while here if you are living with the family, what u spend for the house is mostly food,water and elect(not unless the house is loan). If you have no car here, it is fine. you can commute (there are jeepneys,busses and tricycles here).eh in the US?It all cost you. Yes dollar converted to peso would be atleast higher than the peso but if you spend the dollar in the US it is different.That is why we also talked of saving money while in the US so that if we plan to stay here in PI then we can afford to buy a house and lot even if it is beachfront property, eh in the US how much is a beachfront property.

I hope the family would open up their mind and it might also be good if you let the family know your situation. If you already did and still don't mind, then just do what you think is right. money is also crucial in a relationship. some couple has a problem because of that. So i hope you and your wife will talk about this and what are your best options. let her know that your priority now is your own family. that you will help the family here in PI if you are settled and have extra.

Hello Everyone,

My wife's mother and father have needed assistance a few times such as 24$ here and 50$ there over the past couple years, and while I cautioned my wife about sending regulatory this seemed to end up happening anyway. At first we where able to handle this because we where living with family as we had just moved across the country and did not have as many expenses, but now, we have rent and car payments etc etc and I feel her family probably doesn't even know what a car payment is let alone any of the other expenses that we have. Now, we are not going crazy here and living an extravagant life, we live in the ghetto for us standards, we dont go out to eat, and we are currently saving for my wifes 10 years green card....and we do not even have a cell phone. We are both working full time, and I am starting to go back to school, but we are just barely making ends meet. The fact is that I am not wealthy, the only reason I was able to afford to visit the Philippines in the first place was because a one time new home credit I got from the IRS lol, now that home if foreclosed...go figure. My family used food stamps, and not one person in my family has extra income I just turned 30 this year, and I understand that Filipinos are used to older man with big wallets visiting, so whatever I say goes in one ear and out the other when I try to explain my situation to her family. I've got to the point where I feel like that will never understand and we simply just have to say NO and leave it at that! I'm sure I do not need to explain myself further as there are probably many others in my same situation.

Here is where it gets strange. My wife has basically stopped calling her parents on a regular basis simply because it will depress her that she can not help, so I think by trying to avoid the situation its helping her. The problem is she gives them an excuse, she never tells them that we are poor by american standards and will NEVER be able to help them. I think my wife feels like she is a failure to her family because of this, and I have heard her tell her parents that she married me for love not to ship money over seas but they just dont get it. I'm sure life is so hard there in PH that they feel like its an easy way out to simply ask for money because they hear about the rich men in the USA who send over there. I dont know...

... we just got word from my wifes aunt and uncle that they have lended her mother and father alot of money via one of those illegal money lending scams where you lend someone money and charge crazy interest. I can not believe that her parents own siblings would scam them like this! They can not afford to pay back the money at the interest rate and have asked us to help, and we told them that we can not help and that they need to do away with the interest! Anyways, now her aunt and uncle are contacting us demanding that we pay ahahah! I'm going crazy here....please give us some advice on what to do This will cause my wife and I to argue and I do not want to ruin our relationship because of some something that we are not even involved in. My wife wants to have kids some day, but I'm afraid to make that commitment because I want ALL of our $ to go tword our kids future so they do not have to struggle as I did.

Pls help ty! sorry for spelling i had to hurry im off to work

[Robb&Ann 101]

we already have credit bureau in the PI. I can't post the link but search on google Philippine credit bureau.

In the Philippines they don't have credit agencies to check peoples credit. There are multiple different levels of informal loans that can be obtained by the typical person, and this doesn't include those able to get bank loans. First is the 5/6. For every 5 borrowed to you, you'll pay back 6 within 60 days. They come by daily to collect 1/60th of the money, 2/60th's on Saturday. That is 20% interest per 60 days, or 120% per year. Given you pay back from the day after receiving the loan, the interest rate per year is even higher. Those are normally obtained by small family owned business so they can operate. Might be a street vendor of food who needs money to buy raw stock. Once they're into depending on this, its almost impossible to wean themselves off these loans. There are many many little 5/6 loan companies operating in the Philippines and other third world countries. When a loan goes bad they'll do their best to collect it, but they write many bad loans off. Its part of why the interest rate is so high, plus paying someone to collect daily.

The second is a term loan at huge interest rates, I need to ask my wife what the rate is, as we have a bit of money in both these type of loan businesses. They get given to just about anybody who is seen as a decent risk. To be considered to be a good risk, you need a family member who is seen as having an above average income that comes in big chunks periodically. So if you have a family member who is a seaman, OCW, or married to a westerner, you can get these loans. In other words someone with close family that has a money tree. Basically they are depending to get paid back by the person receiving the loan either being one of the good risk parties or has the ability to guilt the good risk party into paying the loan for them. These are often given out by co-ops of individuals that invest for a good return, or a 5/6 loan company that is moving up in the world and expanding. They will hound and threaten borrow and the money treed relative to get repayment, they do not go away for a long time. They may file a case against the borrower if the loan is not paid.

Sounds to me like your aunt and uncle are running the second kind of loan co-op. This might not even be their money but a pool of money they are managing. As its not their money, they will be under big pressure to get paid back, and they'll turn that pressure on your in-laws and you. Or they get a cut of the profits by being a go between and then they might find themselves on the hook.

You wife being out of the country working and married to an American, means her parents can borrow a term loan from these type of loan outfits. This is all on the expectation that your wife will pay it back. If you do pay it for them, they'll be able to take out another and do the same damn thing again. Given they've done it once already (although you haven't paid it back) you can expect them to do it again if you pay it back. It will get harder for them to borrow again if you do not pay it back for them. Not impossible to do it again, but they won't get it from the same source and word does start to spread.

You just need to say no money is coming. We did not take out the loan, did not agree to the loan, and did not sign for the loan, its not our problem. They will certainly understand that your meaning then. Don't try to explain why you can't, just state you will not. The requests to pay back loans will stop. Your wife might be upset or even hurt, but unless you want to constantly revisit this same problem, you need to shut it down on the first attempt to basically extort money from you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pluck a few bills off the money tree in the back yard so the wife and I can go out to dinner tonight.

I agree

What kind of help? I think the uncle and aunt of your wife doesn't have the right to demand money from you guys. I'm a Filipina and I understand your wife's feeling about the debt of her parents. My fiancee is not that rich too and I always tell my parents about that and they don't demand or expect anything from him because they treat him just like as we are. That's the problem of most of the Filipinos because we have this mentality to help our family in any situations and because of that sometimes some people just take advantage of those people who are such a giver. Since you are giving them before I bet they get used to it. There are people who are not open minded about the situations and culture in other country. Pray for you about your situations. Your wife should explain to her family that you are in a tight budget as of now. I never heard someone put in jail because of not paying the debt . It's just a threat to them so that they will be forced to pay it. Maybe they can make some promissory note to pay it monthly? It's just a matter of budgeting and hardwork on the parent's part unless the parents are old.

[Robb&Ann 101]

I understand what your wife feels. It is really hard. But her family has to understand too. It is a tough situation right now.

Thanx for the links... and thanx evon24!

Man, its been crazy. My wifes cousin who also lives here, her husband re-mortgaged his house to pay for his in-laws heart surgery, but she took the money instead and lent it to family I dont want to end up like him...seems like alot of people in those links are fighting over if its right to send, or wrong to not send, thats silly. My issue is we CANT send as there is no money, not even 10$ available to send...you can only do what you can do you know. I just hate seeing my wife in tears over something that is hard for me to understand.

[Robb&Ann 101]

You are right. Like what I always tell to Robb, My family is not his responsibility, if my family needs help, fine. As long as we have more extra. And that our own family is now our priority. The kids are not resp to their parents or siblings however if they want to help then fine. money is the root of evil. Some family here has to open up their mind.

It's your wife's family why don't you let her handle it. She could get a job and help them. I told my fiances family that I will not send any money to philippines, that I don't believe in it and it will be up to my fiance what she wants to send back. Once you have your own child I'm sure it will stop. Our culture is the opposite of ours they expect kids to support parents. I still go to my parents for money and bug them constantly about getting some of my inheritance early. So certainly it will be odd for me to send money to another family but if it's not money I earn I don't really care much about it. The simplest solution is make more money. Money is the #1 cause of divorce. But I'm sure you haven't heard anyone say I got divorce because my partner made too much money.

[Robb&Ann 101]

You are ABSOLUTELY CORRECT! Some would lend once but it will never be once but will surely be triple or more! so better yo start it right

.

Wow I know this Filipino trade mark seems frustrating to some American esp. if they are just leaving with paycheck to paycheck.

Most of Filipino think AUTOMATICALLY if their friends/relatives came in the US they are somehow INSTANT millionaire...lol they didn't realized we earn dollar...we spend dollar.

If I were u...why do u need to stress yourself? Her family should understand that she has her OWN family to worry about.

That's what I told my husband. Because since he moved here some of his relatives trying to lend money (such as emergency blah blah...lol)...I'm like yah right like they could able to pay us back someday lol I told him he need to learn how to say "NO"....because if he did lend them once....that once will be triple or even more...and one day if he cannot give them anything...still he will look bad to them.

By the way, I'm so proud of u for being patience to your wife and her family

Good luck!!!