Planning Ahead to Marry Algerian Man

[sarsorti 36]

Please walk around BabelOued or El harrach and then go to Babezzouar mall. Compare those people. Go to Le Grande Poste and then go to club les pins at the Sheraton or any other public beach near Algiers. Compare those people. Algerians are diverse religiously..even though most may identify as being muslim but not everyone is practicing. If you go out at night with your fiancé(which I don't recommend) you will see crack heads all over public spaces...Le Grande Poste or Rue Larbi Ben Mhidi. You'll find a thriving alcohol shop on the backside of many shopping strips. My husband is religious. HIs family is culturally conservative but not necessarily religious. You're learning what your fiance tells you from what he knows. Algerians are very diverse and don't fit one stereotype. And if you think you know anything from reading dept of state warnings then you're wrong.

I am sure I won't be out at night as my fiance is religious and conservative, and very much practicing. That being said he does not lead me into stereo typical frame of mind that it's a one size fits all nation. I realize there is diversity and crime and haram. Yes I am learning what he tells me, that should be a good thing. I don't believe everything I read or see on the news. I was simply offering advice from where I stand. With one year under my belt, that's it, you ladies with all the info need to share with the OP what you think and not how you think what I think is so wrong. The OP should take everyone's POV into consideration as she is just 2 months in. Even if I have not been to Algeria I have been in North Africa, and while all countries vary there are similarities. Edited March 27, 2013 by sarsorti

[Crossed_fingers 128]

I am really grateful for EVERYBODY'S input, here. This is really the only place where I can find other women who have any understanding of what I'm experiencing...even though it's still very new for me. Really, I don't yet know how this Algerian man will be, in regards to his religion. It is something I need to talk to him more about. So far, I know that he has lived in a way that is against Islam, having relations with other women, and some other things that are considered totally normal in the Western world. In fact, that makes me like him even more! But, at the same time, he does say that Allah is something big and very real for him. So, in this case, I think I should hear all sides, and get as much information as possible.

Thanks everybody! You are all really good people!!

If you'd like to connect with other women in international relationships, you might want to check out Facebook groups. I'm not sure about Algeria-specific ones, but there are plenty for North African men/American women generally. As on VJ, I'd advise taking everything with a grain of salt. Some groups have different tones and dominant opinions than others, though at this point in your journey it might be helpful to hear them all, ranging from optimistic to cynical. Best of luck to you!

[sandinista! 1,816]

T-minus zero until Kat shows up and out Algerias everyone.

[momof1 205]

T-minus zero until Kat shows up and out Algerias everyone.

LOL

[jpaula 20]

Everyone has a different story and yours will be unique too. The only sensible thing to do, in my mind, is go visit. Try not to play an entire future scenario out in your head. Go with your eyes open and an open mind and enjoy the visit. Meet his family. By all means, do a bunch of research, understand cultural norms and immigration red flags and where you fall on all of it. Don't be naive, but really, no state department report or person on the internet is going to be able to tell you anything about your relationship that you cannot learn better by living it. There are no huge obstacles to getting a tourist visa. Just apply and be patient with a slow Algerian embassy. It will be good practice for the patience you will need should you ever apply for US immigration for him.

For what it is worth, I am Jewish, my husband Muslim and we have been together happily for a decade.

Edited to say that this is by no means an encouragement to go marry him on your first trip.

Edited March 27, 2013 by jpaula

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Great to see so many of the members with Algerian connections dropping by to offer their experience - this is what I love about the MENA forum. But I am surprised not to see Kat posting yet... in fact she has not posted at all lately. Hope she is fine and just too busy being happy.

[sarsorti 36]

Everyone has a different story and yours will be unique too. The only sensible thing to do, in my mind, is go visit. Try not to play an entire future scenario out in your head. Go with your eyes open and an open mind and enjoy the visit. Meet his family. By all means, do a bunch of research, understand cultural norms and immigration red flags and where you fall on all of it. Don't be naive, but really, no state department report or person on the internet is going to be able to tell you anything about your relationship that you cannot learn better by living it. There are no huge obstacles to getting a tourist visa. Just apply and be patient with a slow Algerian embassy. It will be good practice for the patience you will need should you ever apply for US immigration for him.

For what it is worth, I am Jewish, my husband Muslim and we have been together happily for a decade.

Edited to say that this is by no means an encouragement to go marry him on your first trip.

Congratulations on 10 years!

[Mithra 1,185]

The fact that the guy had a sexual affair outside of marriage tells me he's not really all that religious and doesn't completely have religious "values" nor does he follow religious "traditions." That doesn't mean that he won't one day but obviously he's not all that religious now or has been in the past. The notion that all Muslims expect their wives to convert is absurd. Perhaps many would prefer this but they don't ALL expect this nor do they put pressure on their wives to convert.

And statistically in the US couples who date or stay engaged the longest are the one who end up divorced. I knew my husband of 17 years for 10 months before we were married. Now I am a widow for the last 9.5 years and I am 1 year into a relationship with my 22 year younger fiance. Love can happen anytime,anywhere, to anyone. I agree with some here though, ask questions, investigate, be a bit skeptical and take your time. One thing I can pretty much tell you for sure is right now you say 'agree to disagree' about religion, but here is a HUGE reality check for you. If he is a Muslim who truly practices Islam values and traditions(and it sounds like he is) he will expect or believe that you will become a Muslim soon after you are married. It's true they can marry outside their religion but it would be a very hard life for both of you if you continue your life as usual(which will never happen if you plan to stay in Algeria(99.9% Sunni) and he is practicing Islam. You need to do some homework. Another red flag is you are near past child bearing years and he can still have a family. This doesn't mean you cannot be the mother of his children but ask him how he want's to raise his children. I bet the farm he will say as a Muslim. How hard would that be for you to watch your child raised into something you don't believe in? Being raised a Muslim has a lot to do with the man he is today, the man you are in love with, no matter how western minded you think he is. All the best to you in your journey.

[sarsorti 36]

The fact that the guy had a sexual affair outside of marriage tells me he's not really all that religious and doesn't completely have religious "values" nor does he follow religious "traditions." That doesn't mean that he won't one day but obviously he's not all that religious now or has been in the past. The notion that all Muslims expect their wives to convert is absurd. Perhaps many would prefer this but they don't ALL expect this nor do they put pressure on their wives to convert.

For the record I would like to say I am not the one who bolded out the statement in my advice. You are correct there is no compulsion in Islam. I thought I made my point in that it would not be easy, an obstacle in the least, something important to consider, if I made it sound differently, then I offer my apologies, it was not my intention to suggest that EVERY Algerian Muslim was the same, I was speaking in generalization.

[sandinista! 1,816]

yeah, the issue isn't about bolding, italics, or even fonts!

you came on here and told people in interfaith marriages that basically if their husband hasn't expected or believed that they'll become muslims too, then said muslim husbands don't "truly practice Islam values and traditions".

what you said was totally generalized, (edited to remove inappropriate comment)

Edited March 29, 2013 by Kathryn41

[Mithra 1,185]

Yes, I know you didn't bold it. Foreverwaiting did and then I did again to bring attention to the fact that I was addressing that particular statement you made.

Not that this has anything to do with anything but I'm curious - did you have any experience with Muslims or Arabs prior to meeting your fiance? I don't mean a buddy or two or a co-worker. I mean real experience ie living with an Arab/Muslim, living in an Arab/Muslim country, etc. I'm curious as to where you got your information from regarding Arabs and Muslims particularly Muslims. Also, by experience I don't mean books or online materials. I'm not trying to be inflamatory, I'm just trying to see where all of your seemingly "expert" advice is coming from.

For the record I would like to say I am not the one who bolded out the statement in my advice. You are correct there is no compulsion in Islam. I thought I made my point in that it would not be easy, an obstacle in the least, something important to consider, if I made it sound differently, then I offer my apologies, it was not my intention to suggest that EVERY Algerian Muslim was the same, I was speaking in generalization.

[sarsorti 36]

Yes, I know you didn't bold it. Foreverwaiting did and then I did again to bring attention to the fact that I was addressing that particular statement you made.

Not that this has anything to do with anything but I'm curious - did you have any experience with Muslims or Arabs prior to meeting your fiance? I don't mean a buddy or two or a co-worker. I mean real experience ie living with an Arab/Muslim, living in an Arab/Muslim country, etc. I'm curious as to where you got your information from regarding Arabs and Muslims particularly Muslims. Also, by experience I don't mean books or online materials. I'm not trying to be inflamatory, I'm just trying to see where all of your seemingly "expert" advice is coming from.

and once again, I will say, I never said I was an expert. Just here to offer my opinion and advice with what I have been through. No to your question, I have never been for a long period of time in a Muslim community. Yes I do have a few "buddies here and there" but I like to call them my friends. Like I said before if you don't like what I have to say just move on, I didn't ask for advice the PO did. You are free to give your own opinion without attacking mine,

[zahrasalem 114]

And statistically in the US couples who date or stay engaged the longest are the one who end up divorced. I knew my husband of 17 years for 10 months before we were married. Now I am a widow for the last 9.5 years and I am 1 year into a relationship with my 22 year younger fiance. Love can happen anytime,anywhere, to anyone. I agree with some here though, ask questions, investigate, be a bit skeptical and take your time. One thing I can pretty much tell you for sure is right now you say 'agree to disagree' about religion, but here is a HUGE reality check for you. If he is a Muslim who truly practices Islam values and traditions(and it sounds like he is) he will expect or believe that you will become a Muslim soon after you are married. It's true they can marry outside their religion but it would be a very hard life for both of you if you continue your life as usual(which will never happen if you plan to stay in Algeria(99.9% Sunni) and he is practicing Islam. You need to do some homework. Another red flag is you are near past child bearing years and he can still have a family. This doesn't mean you cannot be the mother of his children but ask him how he want's to raise his children. I bet the farm he will say as a Muslim. How hard would that be for you to watch your child raised into something you don't believe in? Being raised a Muslim has a lot to do with the man he is today, the man you are in love with, no matter how western minded you think he is. All the best to you in your journey.

Sorry, but this is a totally FALSE generalization. I am a practicing Muslim and so is my husband, so I speak from a lifetime of experience around muslim men.

Yes, a muslim man isn't required to only marry a muslim woman, but he is also not required or conditioned to "expect or beleive" that his non-muslim fiance will convert to Islam after marriage. That is not an "opinion", it's a fact. He can still be a strict practicing muslim without his wife being one, too.

I guess the tone of your statement about it really bothers me because it sounds as if your promoting the stereotype of arab males/muslim males being overly domineering, bossy, pushy, etc., by telling his fiance what religion she has to be, or forcing it on her.

Edited March 28, 2013 by zahrasalem

[sarsorti 36]

Btw, this forum is public so everyone can comment as they see fit. Even if you don't like what they have to say.

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!! Edited March 29, 2013 by sarsorti

[sarsorti 36]

Sorry, but this is a totally FALSE generalization. I am a practicing Muslim and so is my husband, so I speak from a lifetime of experience around muslim men.

Yes, a muslim man isn't required to only marry a muslim woman, but he is also not required or conditioned to "expect or beleive" that his non-muslim fiance will convert to Islam after marriage. That is not an "opinion", it's a fact. He can still be a strict practicing muslim without his wife being one, too.

I guess the tone of your statement about it really bothers me because it sounds as if your promoting the stereotype of arab males/muslim males being overly domineering, bossy, pushy, etc., by telling his fiance what religion she has to be, or forcing it on her.

Already said there is no compulsion, just that it would be a hurdle. And BTW I didn't burn my bra, I like my man being the head of my household, now tell me Muslim men don;t care about that either. Men in general for that matter. OOPs another generalization, surely my half-witted fiance has managed to wash what few brain cells I had left, OH well...........