Moving to the USA

[portsaid 0]

My situation is different because I got divorced, but I will share what I believe were difficulties for my ex-husband in his adjustment here. He arrived in late November 2004, I live in a suburban area and he couldn't drive. I was only able to take two days off work before returning to my usual 50-60 hour weekly schedule. He refused to ride the bus and go out during the day. I researched every possible activity available in my city before his arrival. I had info on the local Islamic Center, he is Muslim, I'm not. I had maps, bus schedules, brochures, and friends lined up to spend time with him. I work on campus of a University and suggested he come to work with me and explore campus. He said he didn't want to go any where or do anything with anyone, but me. He missed his family, his mother and sister cried and begged him to return home evey single time he spoke to them on the phone or online. His young nephews wouldn't talk to him on the phone when he called, saying they wanted him to come back home. He didn't complain about American food, but I made sure there was no pork in the house. The day after he arrived we went to the Wal-Mart Super Center and I told him to get whatever he wanted. It was so cute to watch his face in that big store, he wanted to know if I really meant he could get anything he wanted. We were in there for along time and the buggy was running over. He called his family when we got home and told them about Wal-Mart. On the weekends, I hoped we would spend time together and do fun things, but our sleep schedules were very different. He would sleep until 3:00 or 4:00 in the afternoon and stay up until 5:00 AM. I get up Monday through Friday at 6:00 AM for work and while I do enjoy sleeping in on Saturday and Sunday, I just couldn't sleep that late. We lived in the same house, but our lives never merged. He got a job at Wal-Mart in February and his driver's license in March. When he first started working I would leave work to take him and then pick him up, he normally worked 2-11. After he got his driver's license and could drive himself our lives continued to be separate. Probably even more so. He always complained that he didn't have any friends and didn't know his way around. I suggested he go out driving during the day while I was at work, but he said he would get lost. I felt sorry for him and it broke my heart to see him sad, but I honestly felt he wasn't trying. After we separated, he had to learn his way around and I hope he has made friends. I don't believe he ever visited the Islamic Center and I wish for his sake he would try to find things that make him happy.

I think if a person comes here and tries his best, he will be okay. Of course it will be difficult, but he will have you to help him along the way. You can't plan for everything, I tried and failed miserably. the most important thing is to communicate.

Good luck

[Bosco 1]

I think if a person comes here and tries his best, he will be okay. Of course it will be difficult, but he will have you to help him along the way. You can't plan for everything, I tried and failed miserably. the most important thing is to communicate.

Good luck

You didn't fail!!! The time and thought you put into preparing for your husband's life here were extremely considerate of you. The adjustment is primarily the responsibility of the person doing the adjusting. It can only happen if they are committed to their life here and want to adjust. I really think it is like taking a plunge and accepting that their life is now here and not where they came from. That isn't to say that they don't miss their home and family, but that have to move forward, look ahead and strive to make the most of their life here. There is only so much the USC can do. It sounds like you did that and beyond. What happened isn't a failure on your part in planning or trying.

I am not speaking about your ex, but I have found some people are committed to being unhappy. First they complain about the lack of opportunity in their country and everything that is wrong there. They marry, come here and then complain about everything they find wrong here and miss about back home.

Rebecca

[Ctrl+alt+delete 0]

At work and sneaking in a moment to read up and make a quick post B)

Thank you AmeraMouttaki....yes if you could send me some titles that would be perfect. Is it possible for us to talk some time?

portsaid....your story really hit me hard, I am so sorry. How are you doing?? I am wishing you all the best and if you ever need someone to talk to....PM me please

Best wishes everyone

Peace to All,

Debra

[honeyblonde 0]

Rebecca's right Port, you did as much as you could - more than many do.

I have the opposite problem. Abdel hates being cooped up in the house and goes to the park every day after school and Starbucks. Today I have been agravated because when I dropped him off at school this morning he got a tennis racket and balls out of the back of the car to put in his backpack. When I tried to call home this afternoon he wasn't home yet. I'm trying really hard not to be mad at him, since when I was a housewife I tried to keep the house spotless and make sure my spouse could relax when he got home. Abdel does dishes and laundry, and helps with renovation, but I guess I'm just expecting way too much to ask a man to do much more cleaning than that, and to want to be in the house.

When we don't go anywhere all day on the weekend, he always says, "we didn't get out today!" like we committed some huge crime. He can't understand how I can be happy staying home whenever I get a chance. I guess things will change some once he is working, but he's just such an outside person I doubt it. I know he's good for me because I do need to get out and get more exercise, and I know I'll lose the weight I want to that way, so I'm trying to stay positive and let him change me back to someone I have forgotten how to be.

I know I should be really thankful in other areas. Abdel isn't a practicing Muslim, so I can cook pork, cook with wine, and we even have wine when we go to dinner. I haven't had to adapt my cooking or eating habits at all for him. He was even looking forward to the opportunity to try foods he couldn't get in Morocco. I think about all I have left to introduce him to is Sushi, and I think I'll let my 20 year old son do that for me since I'm not crazy about it, but he loves it.

[jordanianprincess 0]

I definitly agree with everyone else port...there was nothing else you could do. It all goes back to that old saying..."you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". Don't you hate when those cheesy old sayings make sense!

I am also anticipating some issues when my fiance comes here. He is definitly the type that likes to be out and about. I don't think he would ever do "housework", its not manly enough He may cook if he is feeling generous, but I know I will have to rely on myself for some of these things. I'm pretty sure he will start working right away and his english is perfect so no school for him . My only worry, which i'm not sure if it should be one, is that we planning to get pregnant right away. I hope its not too overwhelming for me We both have a good family support system here , so we wil have plenty of help.

Honey...I know what you mean, my fiance also can't wait to try everything under the sun! We are both christians, so we don't have any restrictions. He actually threatened me...he said don't bring me to the usa and feed me the same stuff I have been eating here forever!!!

Rebecca - you are so right...some people are completly commited to being unhappy!

Jordanian Princess

[portsaid 0]

Thank you ladies for your kind replies. I feel like I know you because I come here and read your posts, but I don't feel comfortable posting since I no longer have a middle eastern man in my life. I can honestly say I tried my best and if I could do it all over, I don't know what more I could have done other than change when he came so that I could be off work longer. He is a man and I just assumed he would want to get out there. As far as housework goes, he did help with cooking, he would make the bed, dust, clean the TV screen and go grocery shopping with me, but he refused to learn to do laundry and had no interest in learning about the household budget as he sent 95% of his paycheck back to Egypt.

I laughed when I read about some people just not being happy. He used to tell me when he was in Egypt that he was miserable, then very soon after he arrived here he told me he was miserable, after he moved out he called me and said he was miserable. I don't talk to him anymore, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's miserable.

[jordanianprincess 0]

LOLOLOL Port, what is that saying? Misery loves company? Does that even apply here ..Well you definitly don't have to have a middle eastern man to post here The funny thing is I actually got an email from another member who doesnt post that much anymoe too bcz she is divorced, I replied to her that there is more gossip going on here than anything else...Its like the salon without the salon LOL

Port the great thing about people that still post who are in your situation, is it gives us an oppertunity to learn from your experciances. It may not apply to everyone but I'm sure there are some people that it does apply too.

Jordanian Princess

[kerewin21 2]

He used to tell me when he was in Egypt that he was miserable, then very soon after he arrived here he told me he was miserable, after he moved out he called me and said he was miserable. I don't talk to him anymore, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's miserable.

Well, there's only so much you can do for someone who is either determined to be miserable or is suffering from depression that is making them miserable. I think all any of us can do is try our best.

You are welcome to post here anytime you want, we can always use more friends around here!

Sharon

[honeyblonde 0]

Port, I agree. Please continue to post. The friendships we make here don't have to be based just on our relationships with some man.

I feel so guilty about my post yesterday. Poor Abdel had forgotten his keys so he couldn't get in the house. He was afraid to call me at work to come let him in because I've been late a lot lately and Monday the boss asked what was up.

Abdel wasn't dressed quite warm enough, and he went back to the park because our neighborhood isn't exactly somewhere you sit around outside for several hours, so now he is in bed with the flu. He had a horrible fever all night and I had to force him to take tylenol.

When I told the boss he laughed and said to please tell Abdel not to be afraid to call me when he was locked out, since everyone has forgotten their keys before. The boss's wife has the flu too, and so does our director so everyone is very understanding about it right now.

I better run now, I just came home to force liquids down Abdel and now I have a meeting to get back to.

[dollface41601 0]

Liz.....awww poor abdel...thats so sad....I hope he is feeling better

[honeyblonde 0]

Thanks Kelly. He is starting to get better, but this flu is leaving everyone feeling very weak for several days.

I've been watching your countdown, even if I haven't replied. I'm hoping so much that things go great for you guys and you can come home soon. I don't see how they could possibly doubt your relationship after you've lived there with him so long. If that isn't proof of love I don't know what is.