Moving to the USA

[jordanianprincess 0]

Although I share alot of the same concerns as many others here do regarding approvals and immigration issues. The thing I'm most worried about is how he will adjust to living in the USA. We already butt heads on certain things as it is now. I know we both need to make adjustments, but his adjustment will be harder than mine. Living in another country is not easy. Can anyone share their expericance regarding their Spouse/Fiance moving to the US? I'm interested in hearing anyones story, but because he is middle eastern (Jordanian) I'm wondering if anyone was in a similar situation...

Shukran

Jordanian Princess

[dollface41601 0]

First I must ask...are u arabian?or muslim? cause i know the biggest concerns sofyan and i have are conflicts in different beliefs in religion with him being muslim and be catholic...i think his views on america will be crazy considering the only women he has seen half or completely naked is me...and so many girls walk around with their boobs and a$$ hanging out of their clothes in chicago...something he will not be use to!

[jordanianprincess 0]

Hi Dollface,

I am actually jordanian and christian and he is too. That takes away some conflict. Now the clothing thing, i can feel ya on that one. We have had many heated discussions on some on my clothing . Well one good thing for you is that there is a huge arab community in Chicago especially jordanians! So he should feel right at home Just to give you an idea of the kind of conflict we have sometimes, the other day you posted a love poem or song, and when he saw it in my email he thought that a guy sent that to me. Then he looked up your id on yahoo and saw ur man's pic on it, its funny now, but man was I explaining alotttttttt!

Jordanian Princess

[UmmSqueakster 54]

My husband is having a hard time adjusting. He always says he's not happy to be here, but he's happy to be with me

A few things have helped to make his time here not completely miserable. One is volunteering. It takes awhile to get authorization to work, and for the first few months here, he sat at home and tried to study. He was miserable! In January, he started volunteering for the county 4 days a week, and it's helped perk him up considerably. Also, it provides him with references in the United States, a resume builder and an introduction to the american workplace.

The second thing that helps is having friends who speak arabic. He can go out to a middle eastern restaurant, hang out with the guys at the masjid and talk to his heart's content. He's noticably happier after he comes home from hanging out with the guys.

The third thing is middle eastern food. We always try to have bread, tahina and foul on hand, and go to a middle eastern restaurant as often as we can afford it.

The final thing is something I messed up royally on and am trying my darndest to improve on. This is something that can be a problem in any relationship, but is exasterbated when one of the spouses is in a new country and is lonely. Pay attention to what he has to say. I'm trying much harder now to listen to everything he has to say and to give it value. I'm not used to living with someone 24/7 and having someone there to talk to all the time, so it's quite an adjustment for both of us.

All in all, it's a huuuuuuge adjustment. I think we all at least on some level hope that once we get through the visa process, our lives will be like a fairy tale, now that we finally have our significant other, it will be perfect. Well, it won't. Being married is hard, and the first few years of marriage are haaard. Be prepared for fights, arguments, disagreements and misunderstandings because there is no way to avoid them. Set out some strategies ahead of time for dealing with conflicts, and always plan to at least begin to resolve your problems before you go to bed at night.

[dollface41601 0]

princess...

i do so your point, and i guess u both being christian and jordanian would be alot better....as u both (for the most part) believe in the same things....that is tooo funny about my ID....lol

[honeyblonde 0]

I think the fact that you are aware of your differences is a good start. I know I personally found myself totally giving up all personal space at first to try to make sure Abdel wasn't lonely. He came from an extended family but I can at least be thankful that he had been a momma's boy until his mother died when he was about 21, so at 38 he had felt a huge void in his life for many years. He has totally pulled me into that spot now and while sometimes I miss my personal space, after not having a man to love me for many years I am enjoying being the center of his life.

A lot of it will depend on you, but not all. You will need to be flexible to accept the changes in your life. I've learned that in restaurants we will order together and share the food, just like he insists we do at home. If I dare to want my own dish I know it will offend him, so I just decided that from now on I will share everything with him.

Other things you can't do anything about except, like Rahma said, try to find things to keep him busy. Homesickness and boredom are just going to happen, they are a part of life. Abdel is taking ESL classes 4 days a week and goes to Starbucks and the park afterward. I've found that having certain routines helps to make his life more enjoyable, such as whenever we go to Walmart he will go to the McDonald's in it and get a cup of coffee.

He has made the cutest group of friends in his class. Yesterday when we got there he was met by "the Korean", "the Columbian" and "the Indian". I told him that describing him and his new friends sounds like the beginning of a joke. He is enjoying discovering the cultural differences in his new friends and they are each dealing with learning English differently. He told me this morning that they also get job information from companies in the area looking for people, so when he gets his work permit he will probably have work pretty quickly.

Don't worry too much, it sounds like you're doing your best to prepare to help him adjust, and that's all you can do.

[jordanianprincess 0]

Thanks guys for your support! I'm very lucky in some ways, for example, he already has many family members that live in the same area, he speaks english fluently and I also speak arabic fluently. The major prob I have is I am soooooo impatient! and he asks sooooooo many questions...I'm trying to find ways to help him, I bought a new car with Navigation that he can drive so I don't have to explain roads to him lol, there is also a button on there thats says "go home" so if he got lost at anytime he can find his way home easiely.

[tnh9479 1]

I would say, overall, Hicham's adjustment has been pretty good. The food issue and finding something he would like to eat was MAJOR at first (all he would eat was pizza and chocolate icecream). Now...we have found some recipes (one of my students gave me this awesome Moroccan cookbook) and his aunt has been giving him tips on how to cook over the phone.

The other stumbling block was not working for 3 months between when his "airport" EAD and his permanent EAD came. That depressed him so much. Luckily...I had two weeks off for Hurricane Wilma and was home, Thanksgiving, and Christmas holidays. So...he wasn't as lonesome as he could have been.

One of my co-workers is Muslim and lives near us. So...we have shared some holidays with them and sharing Christmas with my family has really helped some.

Twila

[kerewin21 2]

It has definitely been hard for Majid. We've made an effort to cook Moroccan-style food, and he goes to the mosque when he can. I think what's been really helpful for him has been the Moroccan friends he made (many of them he's made randomly, by hearing people speaking Darija on the street and introducing himself!) Hanging out with other men was a big part of his life in Morocco, so being able to continue to do that here to some extent has made things easier.

The fact that you're Jordanian as well, and that you share the same religion, will help a lot. He'll be able to continue to celebrate the same holidays, and you're probably more familiar with Jordanian food than I am with Moroccan food! Plus if you can introduce him to other Jordanians, I think that will help a lot.

Sharon

[Bosco 1]

I was very concerned about Abderrafie's adjustment because has traditional Arab values and is a fairly conservative Muslim. He is doing great While he socialized in Morocco, he was not one of the guys who spent a lot of time at the cafes or on the street. He has not actively looked to meet Moroccan or other Arab men here and in some ways seems almost leery about doing so. As I said, he is pretty conservative about his faith, and I don't think he wants to slip away from prayer, fasting and attending mosque as he has seen/heard of other people doing.

He has gotten involved in volunteer work. He also joined the Baltimore Road Runner's Club and has participated in a few races. He exercises regularly. He has been doing much needed work around the home, painting, etc. He also goes to the mosque on Fridays and English classes two days a week. He keeps pretty busy but he does get bored at times.

Food was a little bit of an issue at first. He will eat anything but he wasn't crazy about some of the foods (Italian for example). We have worked through that. Like Lys and Abdel, we share dishes if we go out to eat although he wouldn't be offended if I wanted my own, lol. We eat from one shared dish at home.

I agree with the other people in that you have to listen and find time when they need you. Other than that, I think the adjustment is largely up to them. Abderrafie has come on VJ and read some of the homesickness threads and I have to say, he has little patience or tolerance for some of the complaining (and has even posted his opinion ).

Rebecca

[MrsAmera 41]

It's funny that you posted this now because we're finally dealing with the adjustment. The first few weeks (month or so) was very relaxed and easy going but then I think it hit him that he wasn't going back to Morocco, this wasn't just a vacation. At first he was staying home as we were trying to get things arranged. He started English classes like 2 weeks after he got here and goes every morning and I know that has helped his mood a lot. Now he keeps complaining about wanting to work, "I'm in America and I'm not working" - I've tried to explain that him getting a job when he can only be employed for 6 weeks just probably won't happen but he doesn't understand that he has to quit after his temp.EAD is up, he thinks he could just keep working and hope no one finds out - argh! He also keeps after me to join a gym - but again he doesn't understand membership fees etc. (that we frankly just don't have the extra money for right now). I've been trying to teach him about money and money management skills but that's sort of tough. He lived at home until he came here and his 2 older brothers supported their family after his dad died. He goes to the mosque and has met some people from there. A lot of Muslims in our area are doctors or professionals (professors, lawyers, etc) and he seems to think they wouldn't want to socialize with him because he's not one of them. That is really tough for me to understand, I always tell him "They were in the same place you were, they were immigrants and didn't know anyone here." But it doesn't seem to help. They have a potluck dinner the first weekend of the month and so I'm making him go with me this Saturday night. We're both Muslim so that does help sometimes, but I'm also going to school full time and working. We also have a 2 year old. I think that all of those everyday changes are hard for him. The best advice I can give is be patient and try not to get angry too quick (which is a problem I have.) I am sooo use to be independent that it's hard when another person is added into the equation - even though I love him to death and want to be with him.

[myfellah 0]

Sometimes I think that Abdou's adjustment has been very easy but then I know that he has been through many changes, many more than me. He never complains. He did take ESL classes twice a week in the evenings and still goes when he is off work. With food there was no problem, we both take turns cookings though I would be pleased if he did it all I don't think there has been one dish I have cooked that he does not like and the same for him. We cook together too often. We set the table so most of the time we each have our own dishes as everything is in a different bowl when I cook. I did have to learn to share the same glass. My daughter is 25 so I told him that she would prefer he not use her glass and he was ok and that stopped. Now I never know if my drink will be gone or not. I've learned where snacks or meals are concerned we share as we like. Abdou had many friends back in Morocco but here he doesn't have the desire to have them. He says he needs only me and one good friend, who lives too far away here to visit though they try to keep up with one another. He also uses the internet and phone to keep up with friends and family in Morocco. Since he began working others have asked him to join him and I tell him to feel free to make friends and go but right now he still doesn't have the desire to do so. We had a very long journey before he came here and we definitely are very open with each other. When problems do come up we always promised one another to talk it out, I've learned to do this and it does help. He has been here for almost 9 months now and I must say it hasn't been hard and we have had a relatively easy time, thank goodness. Of course, I was out of work with major surgery and recovery for 11 weeks and that kept us with one another, which could have been horrible but it let us grow even more. Our biggest hurdle will now be not seeing each other 24/7. I return to work full-time next week and he will be working nights so we go from seeing each other all the time to almost none. I'm hoping this won't be too hard. Boy I typed a book and I'm not even supposed to be online, sorry............

Doreen

[Ctrl+alt+delete 0]

I shouldn’t say too much personal things in the forum but thought I should say something....For us adjustment has been hard but has been getting better with every passing day, thank God!

My husband is Muslim as well...Dedicated his life to Allah...I have Never met a man like as him and I respect him Deeply....love the light that he carries within. I was Christian when we first met, Christian as I defined it I guess... but am now studying Islam and learning.

My husband misses his family and friends along with the culture and food very much. Misses going to the Mosque and talking with other Muslims. Miss’s long meaningful conversations about Islam that him and his friends would have. My heart cries for him in this...

We are so very careful about buying food and/or eating out. We read everything to make sure it doesn’t contain pork or pork fat. We also found a few Halal Market here in Portland. The food issue was a huge problem when he first got here but now have it well behind us, again...Thank God!!.

"the american way"...please excuses me if I offend anyone. He has known that life here in the US was carefree...free in so many ways, lost morals and so forth...can be shocking and frankly it is. He will never "fit in" nor would he want to. He simply gave up everything to come here for me...and in knowing this I must be more understanding...Have more control over my mouth (and it's hard ) be more giving, loving...we are learning together...will my husband ever be happy living here....I don’t know.

I wish everyone all the best and again, sorry if I have offended anyone.

Debra

[MrsAmera 41]

Debra - Your words are not offensive in the least and I think what you are feeling and dealing with is being felt by most of us in the same/similar position. Food is a huge issue, religion is a huge issue for my SO as well. As a converted Muslim I'm learning, but there is so much more to it than for instance being a Christian "requires". It's really a way of life, of thinking. I asked Youssef the other day what his favorite part of America was, and he said "Nothing". I too wonder if he will ever find peace and be happy here. But his brother and sister in law experienced the same thing and they told me that they always miss home but at some point you accept this as your new home. Youssef knows that we will have a MUCH better life here, in a lot of ways but I know the spiritual aspect is really missing. I'm trying to get him more involved at the mosque (it's an islamic center too) They have a pot luck dinner the first Saturday of the month, wehre all member bring something from their home country. We're making a kind of fish. I hope that this will help him connect more into the community. Does your husband go to the mosque? I know Youssef's Best friend from Morocco lives in Portland and there is a sizable Muslim population. I'm sure you are but try to get him involved with other Muslims, and immigrants in general. For Youssef seeing the immigrants in his ESL class has helped him feel like he's not the only one dealing with so many changes. You have all of our support! I wish you the best of luck.

Also - I have a LOT of books about Islam, I can give you some good titles if you're interested

[jordanianprincess 0]

I'd like to give some you some comfort in your concerns if I may My parents immigrated here from Jordan in the 70's and didnt speak any english, hated the food, didn't like the people, could not find good jobs, it took them a long time to find good friends. OK I know you are thinking this is not making you feel good. But there is more. My parents always said they hate america. It's understandable, they grew up in a different country and different culture. But when they went back to Jordan the first time, they realized that america was not so bad.

The fact of the matter is most of the arabs we know that immigrate here always say how much they miss their homes, countires, and can't wait to go back. Or they say I will only work here and make money and eventually move back. My parents said the same thing. But somewhere in the middle of all this, they become americans and can no longer live in "third world countries". They go back and want bottled waters and won't eat all the food and start to look at things differently. Each family we know that has said they would go back never does, because you can't go back in time.

I think your husbands will eventually find comfort here and its usually after their first trip back home. Although my fiance and I are not muslim, I don't think this is an issue of religion. It's just an issue of change and lots of paitence on our part.