Still no friends

[CorinaN 2]

Hello everybody !

There is something I would like to ask those who came to USA from another country some time ago. Do you have friends ? I am from Romania and I live In Puerto Rico since 3 years ago. I married a Puertorican, a great man who is the most important thing in my life. We are great together, we have everything we need but there is something I cannot make...friends. I have tried so many times with so many people. I am the nicest person, I treat people with respect, I always try to help if I can, I always speak nice, I hate gossip and I am so open minded. Yet people seem to not notice any of this, or they do and that's why they don't like me, I don't know. I don't have a job yet and with how the things are around the world I don't know how soon I'll have one. So I have a lot of time on my hands. I do know so many people here. We often go to all kinds of parties, either family parties or parties from my husband's work. They are all so nice with me there but that's it...and even though I invite them over to our place or I say we should get together soon, nothing happens....I see them next time at another party. I wish they would treat me with no interest but no...they are nice and everything....they ask me things about my country, how I like it here so far ,bla bla....we speak for some time but I cannot connect with anybody. My hubby is my best friend and sometimes I say I am lucky I have him but I would lie if I would say I don't miss having other friends too. I am such a happy person and I would love to share so much with others. I speak English, I speak Spanish so language is no problem. What is the problem then ? It's because Puertoricans are not friendly with foreign people ? Are the Americans different ? How is that working for you ?

[JensJrny2Ray 367]

What do you like to do? Are there any clubs you could find in your area? (cooking, hiking, reading) Or maybe take a night class in something? These couples or families that you meet at parties, maybe call up one of the wives and invite her over for lunch?

[Boggy1974 124]

Isn't it enough to have your husband as your best friend? Maybe you should consider doing more fun things or going fun places with your husband.

In your pursuit of finding friends, do you come across as overly needy or aggressive?

Look at the bright side too...sometimes friends will bring you nothing but trouble. That said, sometimes it's good to be by yourself!

But if you still find the need to make friends then join the gym, join the dance club, the library, your community meeting or HOA meetings, volunteer county boards, register for special walks for causes as "Breast cancer walks" etc etc. All these are avenues to meet people to make friends. Best of luck.

[CorinaN 2]

What do you like to do? Are there any clubs you could find in your area? (cooking, hiking, reading) Or maybe take a night class in something? These couples or families that you meet at parties, maybe call up one of the wives and invite her over for lunch?

Not so much to do here . This is a very small island and once you live here you feel it. Usually these families have jobs and they complain they don't have time to go out. And then they find all kinds of reasons. I don't want to get into details but I have tried many things.

[CorinaN 2]

Isn't it enough to have your husband as your best friend? Maybe you should consider doing more fun things or going fun places with your husband.

In your pursuit of finding friends, do you come across as overly needy or aggressive?

Look at the bright side too...sometimes friends will bring you nothing but trouble. That said, sometimes it's good to be by yourself!

But if you still find the need to make friends then join the gym, join the dance club, the library, your community meeting or HOA meetings, volunteer county boards, register for special walks for causes as "Breast cancer walks" etc etc. All these are avenues to meet people to make friends. Best of luck.

No it is not enough to have only my husband as a friend. And believe me we do all kinds of things together, remember, he is the only one I got. And we talk about everything. But there it comes that moment sometimes when you just wanna pick up the phone and call a close girlfriend and talk about the period or panties. Or you just wanna hear someone telling you how their day goes. I am not needy or aggressive and I also don't like your question. Are you by yourself? Cuz that was my intention, to find out how other people from other countries than USA make friends, or not. I am not here to be judged.

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

No it is not enough to have only my husband as a friend. And believe me we do all kinds of things together, remember, he is the only one I got. And we talk about everything. But there it comes that moment sometimes when you just wanna pick up the phone and call a close girlfriend and talk about the period or panties. Or you just wanna hear someone telling you how their day goes. I am not needy or aggressive and I also don't like your question. Are you by yourself? Cuz that was my intention, to find out how other people from other countries than USA make friends, or not. I am not here to be judged.

It could totally be a location thing. Even for native born Americans, some places just don't fit with your personality, etc.

I'd get out there - start a blog, start a meetup group for other foreigners in Puerto Rico, etc. I've met a lot of people being a foreigner in Denmark that way.

[NickD 203]

Wife wasn't one to sit around all day staring at four walls when I was at work, she is accustomed to working and supporting her two kids. But couldn't during that long AOS period. So she volunteered to help at the United Way, American Red Cross, that Heart Association, and perhaps the most important, at our local hospital. She became so popular others were calling her for volunteer work. Was also going to our local college to help her with her English and made more friend there.

When she finally received her conditional green card, our hospital hired her instantly, that is when she had to learn how to say no to these volunteer type jobs. She also, as well as me, made many new friends this way. Another source was all of my relatives, they all loved her, still do. Not only my relatives, but their in-laws as well. We just came back from Orlando, in-laws of my son that invited us to a very expensive resort for a week, we all had a great time together and got to know each other far better.

Wasn't as nice for my then 14 year stepdaughter, not being able to speak a word of English, and didn't help her living in a smaller town with prejudice. But received plenty of support from my sons and us. Their new little sister. After three years of high school, four years of college, she made plenty of new friends, but that took time. Now living in Milwaukee, she is finally discovering what wonderful step brother and sister she has to help her in every way.

I suggested doing volunteer work for my wife, worked for her.

[Darnell 8,479]

OK - I'll take a stab at this.

How Catholic are you ?

If 'somewhat to very' - then I suggest you get into the local Church and find the Ladies' Auxiliary or whatever it's called, and show up to all of the meetings, events, clean up times, cooking times, etc.

[Ontarkie 14,552]

I know what you mean, my husbands coworkers and his friends are the same way. One thing I have noticed around here are the way friendship are in general. My husbands best friend has never come over to visit, or his other friends. They don't call or talk much at all but they are best friends

My experience with meeting new ppl here, is that it is just not the same as Canada, and I'm guessing from your post not like you are not used to this either. Back home we could meet someone and a short time later be best friends.

Heck I was going stir crazy here, and I have 5 kids, 4 at the time. And I home schooled them so I was plenty busy. It wasn't till I signed up for a Connect to Canada party a second time, and that's when I met another Canadian. When I first got her email I was so exited I was practically dancing all over the place(I blame pregnancy hormones). We met and hit it off, we are now great friends. We see/talk and visit often and now I feel normal. I still do miss my friends from Canada, but life is more enjoyable with good friends. Our husbands and kids get along great also so that is a big plus.

Edited March 6, 2013 by Ontarkie

[CorinaN 2]

It could totally be a location thing. Even for native born Americans, some places just don't fit with your personality, etc.

I'd get out there - start a blog, start a meetup group for other foreigners in Puerto Rico, etc. I've met a lot of people being a foreigner in Denmark that way.

Thanks Nola ! I see you understood me

[CorinaN 2]

Wife wasn't one to sit around all day staring at four walls when I was at work, she is accustomed to working and supporting her two kids. But couldn't during that long AOS period. So she volunteered to help at the United Way, American Red Cross, that Heart Association, and perhaps the most important, at our local hospital. She became so popular others were calling her for volunteer work. Was also going to our local college to help her with her English and made more friend there.

When she finally received her conditional green card, our hospital hired her instantly, that is when she had to learn how to say no to these volunteer type jobs. She also, as well as me, made many new friends this way. Another source was all of my relatives, they all loved her, still do. Not only my relatives, but their in-laws as well. We just came back from Orlando, in-laws of my son that invited us to a very expensive resort for a week, we all had a great time together and got to know each other far better.

Wasn't as nice for my then 14 year stepdaughter, not being able to speak a word of English, and didn't help her living in a smaller town with prejudice. But received plenty of support from my sons and us. Their new little sister. After three years of high school, four years of college, she made plenty of new friends, but that took time. Now living in Milwaukee, she is finally discovering what wonderful step brother and sister she has to help her in every way.

I suggested doing volunteer work for my wife, worked for her.

Thanks Nick for writing here. I see your wife was very lucky but we are not all like her. Things in PR are way different from the mainland and I am sure you don't know much about it and I understand that. It would be a bit better if I would live at least in the capital, San Juan, but I don't . Maybe one day things will get better for me also, I really have faith and I don't give up Thanks again for your story !

[CorinaN 2]

OK - I'll take a stab at this.

How Catholic are you ?

If 'somewhat to very' - then I suggest you get into the local Church and find the Ladies' Auxiliary or whatever it's called, and show up to all of the meetings, events, clean up times, cooking times, etc.

I am orthodox, my husband is catholic. I go sometimes to the catholic church. I believe in God more than I believe in anything but I have my own church inside my heart. Thanks for your answer and advice tho

[CorinaN 2]

I know what you mean, my husbands coworkers and his friends are the same way. One thing I have noticed around here are the way friendship are in general. My husbands best friend has never come over to visit, or his other friends. They don't call or talk much at all but they are best friends

My experience with meeting new ppl here, is that it is just not the same as Canada, and I'm guessing from your post not like you are not used to this either. Back home we could meet someone and a short time later be best friends.

Heck I was going stir crazy here, and I have 5 kids, 4 at the time. And I home schooled them so I was plenty busy. It wasn't till I signed up for a Connect to Canada party a second time, and that's when I met another Canadian. When I first got her email I was so exited I was practically dancing all over the place(I blame pregnancy hormones). We met and hit it off, we are now great friends. We see/talk and visit often and now I feel normal. I still do miss my friends from Canada, but life is more enjoyable with good friends. Our husbands and kids get along great also so that is a big plus.

I am so happy for you. Yes in my country is different also. When we meet someone for the first time somewhere and you decide you wanna meet again, you bet that in that day/night you already choose the next day to meet. If everything goes well , that's it you can be good friends. At least they give you a chance fast, not here. They are like they don't want to make new friends, they have their own families, old friends, everything is set for them and there is no place for a new one. They are happy to see you in the moment ...and that's it. Thanks for your story !

[Boggy1974 124]

No it is not enough to have only my husband as a friend. And believe me we do all kinds of things together, remember, he is the only one I got. And we talk about everything. But there it comes that moment sometimes when you just wanna pick up the phone and call a close girlfriend and talk about the period or panties. Or you just wanna hear someone telling you how their day goes. I am not needy or aggressive and I also don't like your question. Are you by yourself? Cuz that was my intention, to find out how other people from other countries than USA make friends, or not. I am not here to be judged.

Pardon me if I asked how you go about trying to make friends. I'm NOT judging you at all. Pardon me if you feel that way.

The question about "needy" is not about saying you need anything in material terms. You see in America, or at least where I'm from, it's a community thing so people let friendships 'flow' naturally through the avenues I mentioned earlier...either through church, schools, sports arenas, online, games, events etc within the community. So when a stranger with clear intentions albeit, appear too persistent in making friends, people tend to 'see' that as the stranger having some ulterior motives.

Clearly you have very good reasons/intentions for trying to make friends, but it might not appear that way to the people you're trying to be friends with. Let me give you an example. I grew in NY around Yankees stadium. I love baseball and football (Yankees & NY Giants fan). Over the years, I have met many many people and became friends with just going to the ballpark and football games. We became friends just because of our shared love for the game; talking and even arguing about it. My point exactly is, our friendship started from a common shared love for something and moved on from there. It was mutual -- so my guess is that the people you're trying to befriend do not find that shared connection.

Also, look at it this way. It's a very dangerous world out there with lots of crime, scams & untrust worthy people around. So a lot of folks are quite iffy dealing with perceived 'strangers'. Excuse me if it feels judging you. Good luck in finding your desired friends.

[BaBamSam 239]

No it is not enough to have only my husband as a friend. And believe me we do all kinds of things together, remember, he is the only one I got. And we talk about everything. But there it comes that moment sometimes when you just wanna pick up the phone and call a close girlfriend and talk about the period or panties. Or you just wanna hear someone telling you how their day goes. I am not needy or aggressive and I also don't like your question. Are you by yourself? Cuz that was my intention, to find out how other people from other countries than USA make friends, or not. I am not here to be judged.

I understand this reaction to the comment and I agree with you 100% about it not being above to have just your partner. I've moved around a lot and haven't stayed in the same area for longer the 8 months in 5 years. I moved from New York to Pennsylvania for school, moved to England for school, moved back to PA, went to London for a bit, moved back to New York and then moved out here to California. Going to London was the hardest thing because I had no friends there - only my boyfriend (now fiance). And while he was and is my best friend, after a few months it just got so tiring to have no one else. I've only been in California 7 months now and it took about four months before I had a friend. It's getting better and my line of work makes it really easy to meet lots of people with shared interest (filmmaking), which is a huge help.

I wish I had advice for you about how to find people, but sometimes it just takes a long time and some places just aren''t as easy as others for various reasons. If people think you're being "needy" or "aggressive" or whatever was suggested just because you're being friendly then that is their problem. But I doubt that's the case. More likely it is just a cultural barrier that will take time to overcome.