divorce?

[CONFUSED12345 1]

Hi everyone,

Please read my story and give me some advice if you can:

I'm very sad today, because it seems like my marriage ended today and I think I need some support and advice. I came here on a k-1 visa in April, 2012 and got married the next month, so it has been less than a year I'm very sad and I am only 25 (I think that is still very young) and I didnt think that we will be divorced so soon. He doesn't want to be with me and it really hurts, because I gave up everything and moved to the USA to be with him. We both studied in Europe in 2010 that is how we met and I think we were very happy back then, he doesn't feel the same way about that now either. He just keep telling me now, how different we are and how we don't have anything in common and that we were never ever happy together...

I think that we had our ups and down, but I still love him but I think he doesn't love me that much and he never really did.

When I moved here we moved in with his parents, because we were unsure if we could afford our own apartment and I do feel that that was a really big mistake. His parents are very nice and kinda generous, but they are very very controlling. I think that is where our problems had started, when his parents tried to tell us what to do basically. First it was just like, you can't sleep together until you are married (I was like, okay sure no problem( it was only a week ) and then later on they got mad if we didn't eat with them ( we had to eat dinner every night together ). They are nice and they wouldnt say something bad to you (behind your back they do), they just make you feel, that you should always do what they want you to do... We had to spend each weekend at their cabin and if we didnt go they told us to clean the house . I don't know it just started to really interfere with what I wanted, we hardly had any time for each other and I didnt want this kind of marriage, when we live with the parents as kids... Please, tell me that I'm not insane that I didn't like this.... Well, somehow we moved out after his mother told me that they can't do more for us, since we are living wiht them....I never asked them to do anything for us at the first place I always said thank you for everything and I am grateful for what they did for us, but I don't think that young adults should stay with their parents after they got married living as a child. Anyways, we moved out after living there for 3 months. My husband, I know he felt very guilty because we moved out and this kinda ended the romance between us.

His parents still made me sometimes upset, when for instance I have a part time job now and I sometimes had to borrow my husband's car ( which he bought on his own), because there is no bus. They were calling us and telling us that I can take the bus there is no problem with that, but he shouldn't because it is not safe. I think that it was really mean, they said basically that they don't care if I get hurt (I'm a girl!), but their son should be safe So what then, I should just stay at home all the time until I can afford a car? ( But if I can't use the car, how can I go to work?!) Even now, when we planned a trip to my home country, they kinda planned one to Europe too and they kinda wanted us to go with them, but my husband have 15 vacation days each year and he could either go to that trip or come home with me. They don't care that I miss home, I should go with them and shouldn't go home It got to the point when I don't want to see them and I don't mind if my husband want to hang out with them, I just dont want to hear old this kinda stuff.

That is the main reason why we are filling for a divorce now. He doesn't want to visit home without me or go to family events. But I feel like I can;t do it anymore they are just very very controlling not allowing us to have any free time or will and It literally stress me out so much that I even got very sick for like half a year. My husband is a year younger than me and he is okay with his parents. He is basically very silent, do not stand up for me or himself. He just basically do what his parents want. He is always complaining about why we dont do anyting together, but he doesnt know what we could do in the USA together, i think that is very sad . I am so tired to be married to a child. I am so tired of this. I feel like I never see my family in Europe, I miss my friends, I am basically married to someone, who hates me. It thought that he will be a lot more understanding towards me and helps me here and we will have some friends here (he doesn't have friends anymore He is trying, but it just doesn't work out for him :(I got lost for so many times, I am always alone, he doesn't help with anyting Do you get the picture? He just plays video games and do what his parents tell him to do...and he is not motivated to do anyting with me.

And now he is basically telling me to go home and it's not working out, I dont have a life here etc.

Sorry if it is too long, please if you have any advice for me what to do, please share...I'd like to stay and I want my husband to love me, but I just dont how and I'm also unsure what a healthy relationship should be between me and his parents and him. Thanks so much for reading this and any advice is welcomed.

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

I'll make this clear, a real man or woman stands up to their parents and is on their wife or husband's side rather than their parents'.

What you married was not a man or he doesn't care enough to defend you from his parents based on what you've told us.

Now, for a little bit that will make you uncomfortable so bare with me, but maybe it will be informative to other people. Why would you marry a man without knowing how he interacts with his family and you? Were there any red flags? Surely, this behavior had hints before you moved here? Delayed adolescence doesn't come out of nowhere.

[CONFUSED12345 1]

I'll make this clear, a real man or woman stands up to their parents and is on their wife or husband's side rather than their parents'.

What you married was not a man or he doesn't care enough to defend you from his parents based on what you've told us.

Now, for a little bit that will make you uncomfortable so bare with me, but maybe it will be informative to other people. Why would you marry a man without knowing how he interacts with his family and you? Were there any red flags? Surely, this behavior had hints before you moved here? Delayed adolescence doesn't come out of nowhere.

Well, I married him because I was in love with him. I think I loved him very very much and I am not sure it was mutual when I look back now.

When we were studying abroad he was very different. His parents wasn't this interfering this much (they were not physically there) and although he didn't organize that much program for just the too of us, we always had something to do, we were happy. I should have seen that his parents are controlling when his dad didn;t want to sign that form for the k-1 marriage... Or when my husband doesnt want to skype with me while he was living with his parents, because he was afraid what they might think or when he didnt log on to chat because his mom told him suddenly they have to go there together. It happened many times. I think It's my fault I wanted to see this work Now, he is in our living room and I try to talk with him and he is mean, he is like I dont want you anymore and he doesnt even look at me... But I didnt really do anyting I just wanted to do soemthing with him on a Friday nigth with my husband and he was like no, I dont want to, leave me alone (got mad, I was pushy I guess)....And yesterday he spent the whole day at his parents and he has to come over even this weekend to clean... It's just weird.... Last month he even hit me so bad I had bruises and it hurt really bad and I looked blackis/greenish.. I dont know what keeps me here, I just want to this work out, but I cant do this and I am not sure I can 'change' him for me a little bit. IS there anyting I can do? What do you think?

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

Last month he even hit me so bad I had bruises and it hurt really bad and I looked blackis/greenish..

There is your sign that this can't be fixed or worked out.

Trust me, there is absolutely no excuse for that. Now is the time for a game plan to get out. Don't confront him, just make a leaving plan and then do it. I have a feeling that this will escalate.

[CONFUSED12345 1]

I know, but I feel so heartbroken. He has been playing these very aggressive video games... The weird thing is that he looks like a nice guy and he is intelligent and yet he is so aggressive. What happened was that I asked him to drive with me to a place, which is like 15 minutes away from our home. He refused because he wanted to play some video games. And I got lost, missed the event and I had to come home without participating in the event (I was new here back then) and then I told him that he should have come with me. He started to shout, I was so embarrassed and I ended up spilling his beer accidentally and then he started to hit me so bad I had never seen this side of him before. I could never do something like that to him. I almost went home then. And then he really regret that and apologized and he promised he would never do that to me again...and he said his not that kind of guy.

I know this might happen again ...Now, he is just hurting me with his words. Telling me that he doesnt want to be with me anymore, how I dont have a life here ( which is true, but I am trying really hard, I joined some language class, went to some meetup event, found a part=time job (still looking for a full time one though)... He is saying staff like you are unhappy here and how do you picture your future here...working in a Wall-mart?

And he is saying stuff like I dont like any of his hobbies..(HE is only playing video games, yeah I dont like that) and he doesnt know how we manage this so far... And yet he doesnt organise anything for us, I do make plans with him sometimes.. He even didnt want to go for a short trip after our wedding, because he really didnt feel like to... He just seems like always unhappy for so long and I have no idea what is wrong. He is just never content and he is blaming me for it I guess... Even if we do what he wants he doesnt enjoys it...I think he has some problem with himself and I dont know how to help him Thanks for the answer, I am so heartbroken

Edited March 2, 2013 by CONFUSED12345

[X Factor 1,112]

Run run ~ he hit yoi

[Darnell 8,479]

You should divorce his parents, and keep your husband..

<EOM>

[NikLR 13,232]

My husband plays video games. I play video games. We play Call of Duty where you run around and shoot people OVER and OVER. He would never hit me.

That is NOT okay. You need to leave and file for divorce. I know this will hurt to hear but he doesn't love you. A person that loves you doesn't beat you up. You may love him, but why be in a relationship where this is not reciprocated?

I would have walked up to his parents with bruises and say "See what your son did to me?" Then leave and report it to the police, have him arrested and charged with battery, get a restraining order and a divorce. You never have to put up this!

[Novembro 1,763]

He hit you? You should be the one ending it, not him. If he does it again, document it and report it to the police.

I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation, but you have to stand up for yourself and your best interests at this point.

[Darnell 8,479]

whoops - sorry - I missed the part about the hitting.

Look into divorce process over the weekend, make sure you want to go through it...

Any ethnic stuff going on with his parents or him?