arranged marriages

[Rimpz 7]

I grew up in the states and will hopefully have an arranged marriage. All through high school, college and now work people seem to be wary and curious about arranged marriages. I remember it was such a culture shock for one of my friends in high school that every year I would prank her that my parents have arranged a marriage for me and I am moving over christmas break. She would cry every time and believe me. Arranged marriages don't really work like that, at least not in the part of the world I am from. A few days ago on this forum we had a topic on arranged marriage where the husband sent the wife home to her parents, it created alot of outrage. So I decided to make this topic so people can freely ask their questions.

ask away

[NikLR 13,227]

I don't feel the outrage was at arranged marriage as much as the apparent attitude of the OP.

I do find it interesting that someone could, in this day and age, marry someone they've never met. I get the feeling there are many different types of arranged marriages though, ranging from "never met until wedding day" to simply there was still courtship and at very least a mutual like, maybe even love, between two people and outsiders simply made the "formal plans." Yes? No?

[Caryh 5,206]

In the topic about the troubled failed marriage, the husband had sent his wife home to her family because of issues between them. I was never really sure if this was to allow for more time so the couple could work out their issues where she would feel more comfortable or if this is something that is done when the marriage had failed totally. I'm curious of which situation this may have been, or could it be either?

And thanks a lot, you already opened my eyes to a lot of things I didn't know about arranged marriages, at least from where you're from, that I had no idea about, in the rant thread.

[Caryh 5,206]

I don't feel the outrage was at arranged marriage as much as the apparent attitude of the OP.

:yes: :yes:

[LucidSofia 59]

Well maybe you could just explain how they work?

This is what I understand: your family sets you up with someone, and then you get married right away without really knowing the person at all?

I saw some posts of yours on the thread "the rant" where you said you had looked the guy up on facebook and I guess deemed him attractive enough. But have you ever spoken? Are you going to meet a few times before you get married or will your wedding be the first time you meet? Why wouldn't you rather just date the guy for a few months first (at least) and see if you're compatible?? If it doesn't work can you get divorced? (or are divorces not allowed/ heavily frowned upon in your culture?)

Have you dated any non Indian guys? (have you dated at all?) How old are you?

Sorry for all the questions, I just really have no idea how this works.

[biaobiao 40]

oh yeah. i read that one too... poor guy.. but he did sent his wife home after not getting any....frustrated husband.. but he wont expect the girl would give in, in just 60 days

well some arrange marriages work. some dont. but it has to be a work in progress to make everything succeed.

[X Factor 1,112]

Didn't he send her back to be trained in cooking by her mother

[Rimpz 7]

I don't feel the outrage was at arranged marriage as much as the apparent attitude of the OP.

I do find it interesting that someone could, in this day and age, marry someone they've never met. I get the feeling there are many different types of arranged marriages though, ranging from "never met until wedding day" to simply there was still courtship and at very least a mutual like, maybe even love, between two people and outsiders simply made the "formal plans." Yes? No?

You know in my parents never even looked at each other before the wedding itself, I think they saw one picture thats it. Recently last year my brother got married, he was introduced to every girl my parents thought was possibly good match. In the end he selected a girl that he spent a total of 5 minutes with and said yes. They didn't have a formal engagement and married a month and half later. Being around them you can see how in love they are, always looking out for each other.

The area I am from the marriages where the couple don't meet before their relationship is finale is being done away with. Both the boy and girl are asked if they like the person they are going to marry. Yeah, it takes time to adjust after marriage but I think its rare and rare for people to being going into arranged marriage totally clueless about the other person.

[SAT 9,609]

Through the history of mankind, there has been all kinds of arranged marriages for all kinds of reasons. For the most part, they worked.

In Asia, great friends/ officials/ the rich/ arranged for their kids to marry. (These kids most likely grew up together).

The Monarchies arranged their marriages to keep war at bay.

I know of an enclave in NYC (No names) today, that consistently arrange marriages between first cousins!! (most likely to keep the money in the family).

whatever floats their boat.....

Didn't he send her back to be trained in cooking by her mother

My wife is a terrible cook man. She doesn't even try.....she just kinda gives up in the middle of cooking a meal......

[Rimpz 7]

In the topic about the troubled failed marriage, the husband had sent his wife home to her family because of issues between them. I was never really sure if this was to allow for more time so the couple could work out their issues where she would feel more comfortable or if this is something that is done when the marriage had failed totally. I'm curious of which situation this may have been, or could it be either?

And thanks a lot, you already opened my eyes to a lot of things I didn't know about arranged marriages, at least from where you're from, that I had no idea about, in the rant thread.

I think in that case it might have been beneficial for the couple to be apart, except for the guys thinking. In Indian marriages we always view the family as a support system, for someone to guide us when we are lost or having trouble in our marriages. Sometimes this being apart helps solve things faster. Gives parents chance to sit them down individual and talk to them and try to find a solution to their problems. I know thats what my parents do for my cousin in LA when he gets in a fight with his wife. they fly down and sit them down and work on their problems.

[The Mean Lady 604]

How soon would you send your wife packing if she did not put out?

I went 6mos w/o having sex with my last bf

Granted that's because I was checked out of the relationship and we eventually broke up

but he had no intentions of sending me packing.

Actually, side note, given that I was the main provider, I would have sent HIM packing for complaining.

[Rimpz 7]

Well maybe you could just explain how they work?

Where I am from the parents start looking at perspective matches once you turn 20 or so but there is really no real pressure to get married at 20, they just keep their eye out for good guys. Relatives and friends make suggestions on prespective matches, parents consider them. And whenever they might one they really like, they go meet them personally and then they introduce you to them. At that point either the girl or the boy can say no or yes. If both of them say yes, then they get engaged. And they can talk and meet as much as they want till they get married. And if for some reason things aren't looking too great after engagement, we can always talk to our parents and call it off but it has to be a big reason.

This is what I understand: your family sets you up with someone, and then you get married right away without really knowing the person at all?

it varies by couple. My brother got married in a month and half of being introduced. My cousin got married 3 years after being introduced. Just varies by the couple

I saw some posts of yours on the thread "the rant" where you said you had looked the guy up on facebook and I guess deemed him attractive enough. But have you ever spoken? Are you going to meet a few times before you get married or will your wedding be the first time you meet? Why wouldn't you rather just date the guy for a few months first (at least) and see if you're compatible?? If it doesn't work can you get divorced? (or are divorces not allowed/ heavily frowned upon in your culture?)

Actually before I looked him up on facebook, I had heard alot about him and his questions. He had all these really smart questions about how we would adjust since our lives were so different and what not. So for a month, I was just in love with the idea of him. Then I found him on facebook and found him quite attractive. Then we even talked alittle bit of facebook. And I think he will be good for me. Though he is very athletic and I am not, and he wants me to be athletic too. I know some people would be like why change yourself for him and even I get annoyed at times. But he is right and I should be more athletic. I don't have the best of health and exercise would do be lots of good and it seems he is the encouragement I been looking for to do it. And yes we can divorce but not before trying our hardest to make it work. we can't just give up because our interests in a couple things don't match.

Have you dated any non Indian guys? (have you dated at all?) How old are you?

I haven't date anyone before this and nor was I interest too. I had my share of crushes and flirting though. I am 23. One of the main reasons I never dated is because the divorce rate. I saw all these couples around me getting divorced because they claimed the other person changed over time or changed after marriage. I saw how happy my parents and aunts and uncles were and I wanted that. I guess I felt like if I married the guy and then got to know him, I would know the real him and get to love him for who he really is. Not what he is pretending to be to impress me.

Sorry for all the questions, I just really have no idea how this works.

don't be sorry, I made this thread so people could ask questions

[Rimpz 7]

oh yeah. i read that one too... poor guy.. but he did sent his wife home after not getting any....frustrated husband.. but he wont expect the girl would give in, in just 60 days

well some arrange marriages work. some dont. but it has to be a work in progress to make everything succeed.

The guy was wrong but do you really blame him? He probably was told by his friends and cousins how they all go laid on their first night. Then that didn't happen with him, he couldn't really talk to anyone about it. And probably after waiting this long he was getting frustrated with her and himself not really understanding why he isn't getting any action. I am very frank but not all indian girls are. Maybe he did try to talk to her but she couldn't or wouldn't tell him what the problem is. leading him to believe maybe she used him just to get to the states. I think maybe it was the best she went home because now it opens up things for discussion. But thats just my opinion and also that guy is going to have to relax and calm down before things can get better.

[NikLR 13,227]

I haven't date anyone before this and nor was I interest too. I had my share of crushes and flirting though. I am 23. One of the main reasons I never dated is because the divorce rate. I saw all these couples around me getting divorced because they claimed the other person changed over time or changed after marriage. I saw how happy my parents and aunts and uncles were and I wanted that. I guess I felt like if I married the guy and then got to know him, I would know the real him and get to love him for who he really is. Not what he is pretending to be to impress me.

I really like this idea. I have found from dating that it tended to end once the guy starts really being himself instead of trying to impress or doing all the things to "get the girl." Whatever you did to "get the girl" she's going to expect your whole life if you get married so don't lay down the false #######. I love that my husband was just himself. He feels I've changed a bit, and I do tend to get more compliant once I'm in a relationship. I stop thinking about what makes me happy and try to make him happy. But generally he's happy with the original. LOL So it's a lesson to everyone eh? Just be you. Do you. And the rest follows. I can see how an arranged marriage would promote that. Plus you have to work harder to start, so the hard work that is in a relationship just is always there instead of suddenly popping up.

Granted if you're both working too hard at it, some of it should be a little eaiser.

I can't imagine what it would be like to be married to someone though that you have never been attracted to, or share a connection with. You might as well be roommates.

Do people divorce in arranged marriages?

Edited March 2, 2013 by NikiR

[Rimpz 7]

Didn't he send her back to be trained in cooking by her mother

yeah, wouldn't you after eating out for 2 months straight.