Sending financial assistance

[itsy_bitsy 8]

How do you financially help your family back home? (routinely, occasionally, only during emergencies) For the foreign spouses, what do you think about it?

[LSnBigBear 61]

My fiancee is on a plane now on her way here. We have already established a savings for her family. We are putting 25 dollars away monthly for just medical. Her mother works so her family needs little of our support. I am sponsoring her brother in college as I want him educated to help my fiancee with supporting her family as she wants her mother to stop working in 5 years. I always say after living there in RP, never never never over-give to them as we are all creatures of wants. Make them always know 500p is a lot of money. Medical emergencies come up. Hide the money in savings and only let your wife know about it. Then if they need it, you have it. Good luck

[danver 15]

How do you financially help your family back home? (routinely, occasionally, only during emergencies) For the foreign spouses, what do you think about it?

It all depends on how financially able you are. I do send my mom every single month ( never skipped) since i got here in 2007.

My hubby also sends us money every month when i was still in the Philippines from 2003 till i got here in 07.

it is not really our responsibility but i am working ( full time) and even before i came here it is an agreement between my husband and I that i will help my mom and i consider it as my obligation/ responsibility to my family.

[CajunKitty 8]

I send my family some every month since I got here.. I'm very lucky that my husband understands my situation even before.. I was very honest and upfront about helping my family and he understands.. I assured him that once I get I job he can stop and I will be the one responsible in sending money back home..

It all depends what you and your spouse agreed upon regarding this kind of situation!

Edited March 1, 2013 by CajunKitty

[Thermite 3]

We send some about every paycheck and we agreed not too much because she is here now and the more we send there the less she has here and she realizes things are more expensive here I always tell her what things cost in Peso hehe

Edited March 1, 2013 by Thermite

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

How do you financially help your family back home? (routinely, occasionally, only during emergencies) For the foreign spouses, what do you think about it?

If you want to, and can afford it, then do so, but do it on your terms, not theirs.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

It all depends what you and your spouse agreed upon regarding this kind of situation!

People change their minds. What they tell you, hoping you will marry their daughter, is one thing. What they expect once she arrives in the US, is another thing entirely. No what what my wife sends, it is never enough, and not a bit of gratitude on the part of the family members she helps, only more demands, for more money.

[itsy_bitsy 8]

Thank you everyone for your input. Here's why I posted this topic. I came here in 2007, and started working in 2008. Back then, I would send money whenever they needed it, aside from the occasional amount I'd send to spoil them a bit. I also sent Balik Bayan boxes. Later on, I realized that sending them money to help wasn't the wisest idea. Instead, I suggested that they start whatever business they would like and I would finance it. Ever heard of the good ol' saying "Don't give a man a fish, but teach him how to fish."? That's what I based this idea on. I told them to learn to rely on themselves instead of me and my husband because not at all times we'll have the money, we can lose our job, or worse, something bad might happen to us, who knows? Then what are they gonna do when their source of financial help aren't able anymore? Well, >100,000 pesos later for business capital and nothing happened. No return of investment whatsoever because my parents are simply not business-minded people, and just don't try their best. It's been more than a year that I haven't had any job. We moved to a new state and I couldn't find work, got pregnant early in 2012 and with a baby now, I'm a full-time SAHM. What my husband makes is barely enough to meet out needs and pay the bills. My parents know this, yet they still ask for help every now and then. When I say, "You already know our situation here, why do you still ask for help? What makes you think we can help you?", they'd reply "We have nobody else to run to, you know that. Yes, we know your situation and would never ask you if only there was another way. We just need 1000 pesos to be able to get by this week (or for medicine, or for electric bill, etc.). I'm sure you have at least $25 that you can send." Well, of course I have $25, so I bite my tounge and send $50 (because that's the minimum sending amount for Xoom). Does that make me stupid? I don't know. What I only know is that it will make me sleepless all night if I don't send them the amount when I have it.

My husband got an interview for a job that pays twice more than what he's making now and the chance of him getting this job is very promising. Assuming he'll get it, we can afford to send money to my family again even if it means $200/month. My husband doesn't have a problem about helping my family financially, but as I have mentioned, I would rather that they rely on themselves and not on us so that whatever happens, they can stand on their own. Besides, my husband maybe making more, but we also have many stuff to save for: a house, a car for me, emergency savings, etc. In other words, I don't want to send my family money unless it's real emergency. Does this make me selfish? I welcome honest opinions. If I have to give them a big amount of money again to start a business, I will, and tell them that if they don't do their best and the business fails, I'm not sending them anymore money. Do you think it's a good idea? Am I being hard on my own family? To be honest, I don't know what exactly to do. Sometimes I feel like I should just hold my nose and give them monthly support to show gratitude for everything they've done for me, especially my dad. But at the same, I also feel that it's unfair for them or any other parents to make it their children's responsibility to help them because it's supposed to be the other way around. And above all, I think it's unfair to my husband. Again, I welcome honest opinions.

Edited March 2, 2013 by itsy_bitsy

[Calypso 464]

I think that you should not give if it hurts. Every dollar you and your husband give them is a dollar you lose for your child's future and your own. Most of the time, handling money is the problem, not the supposed lack of money. Why would you give them another capital for their business when you already know they are "not business-minded" and they already failed the first time? Don't expect to get a different result if you keep using the same approach.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Even though we are from another area we have the same issues. Joseph's family is huge ( 21 siblings mostly married with kids ). Every one seems to think that money falls off trees here and have no shame in requests for us to pay for trips, and improvements to their home. Mostly these requests are ignored. We do send money to his widowed mother, and pay for school fees to the youngest brother ( just finished his BE in electrical engineering ) Be selective, be supportive but don't be an enabler.

[itsy_bitsy 8]

Why would you give them another capital for their business when you already know they are "not business-minded" and they already failed the first time? Don't expect to get a different result if you keep using the same approach.

Four reasons: 1.) I believe that everybody deserves a second chance 2.) I'm hoping that they learned something from the first time 3.) It will give me a good reason to not send any more support should they fail again. 4.) I can't think of any other idea how to make them self-reliant. Any suggestion?

Edited March 2, 2013 by itsy_bitsy

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Four reasons: 1.) I believe that everybody deserves a second chance 2.) I'm hoping that they learned something from the first time 3.) It will give me a good reason to not send any more support should they fail again. 4.) I can't think of any other idea how to make them self-reliant. Any suggestion?

They don't need to be self reliant - they are coming to live with you soon, diba?

[OnMyWayID 1,489]

How do you financially help your family back home? (routinely, occasionally, only during emergencies) For the foreign spouses, what do you think about it?

As the foreign spouse - I don't mind sending money. I have one request: I don't want to deal with money issues regarding the family. They can deal with her and then we can talk and she can handle the transaction. As far as they are concerned I am not involved. When I am with them I want to talk about the weather, the latest wedding we attended , cultural things I don't understand, Shakiras new baby.

In my case this works, they are responsible people. If they asked for more than we could give and it was causing an issue we would have to talk about a limit and then let her deliver the news.

In your case I think you two need to decide what you can send and then let them know the exact amount and that you are unable to give more - if they know exactly whats coming they should be able to live with it - when they get money by request they just spend until its gone and then ask for more. Take away the safety net.

[biaobiao 40]

save for the rainy days. save for you and your family.. it will be A BLESSING that your husband will have a good job. save for your child too and future kids. as what my husband will always say.. "if you give an inch, they will take a mile" it would be nice to help. but let them learn their lesson too..

what i would suggest, don't send anything for a while. if they contact you and remember you without asking money.. then send some.. if they don't... then there you have it..

you have your needs too... if you and your husband will be out of work.. will they help you?

family is family... but do not sacrifice everything for them... save some for your child and future kids too

[CajunKitty 8]

Four reasons: 1.) I believe that everybody deserves a second chance 2.) I'm hoping that they learned something from the first time 3.) It will give me a good reason to not send any more support should they fail again. 4.) I can't think of any other idea how to make them self-reliant. Any suggestion?

Coming from the same country, beliefs and culture I can understand your frustrations, however giving them another chance is not a good idea and second chances are not for everyone, it only applies to people that deserves it.. But if you feel that they tried their best to make the business a success but failed then they deserved a second chance but like you said your parents are 'not business' minded people, the odds of making them run a business and be successful the second time around is slim to none..

Edited March 2, 2013 by CajunKitty