Leaving Your Children

[SparklePony 238]

Jumping on board in this thread although my situation is a little bit different.

I have two daughters, 9 and 12, who have always been with me. I was always 100% mom, 50% dad because my ex works in rotating shifts. When we separated, a few years ago, he saw them every other weekend, even if he had work, and special occasions like Christmas and a summer vacation period. And then he moved to the UK, where he now resides, still working in rotating shifts. In the meantime, when my fiance and I decided who went where and we realized it was so much better for us if I moved to the US, I told my ex I had started the paperwork to get a visa for me and the girls and would need his approval. He said he wanted to talk to them first, which I thought was reasonable. They spent Christmas with him in the UK, loved it, and when they returned, he said he wouldn't sign anything, that they wanted to go live with him instead, and I was the one who had to allow them to move there.

Now, it is true that is what they said. The fact is the oldest was having a lot of problems at school, and moving to the UK would be a way to get away from it all. I also think they have this idea that moving to the UK would be the same experience as when they're there on vacation, and can't really grasp that it's completely different. Lastly, there's been a lot of pressure and emotional blackmailing from him and his family pro-UK, anti-US (like that if they move to the US, they won't ever see their extended family again).

I have taken custody to court, and the case has been dragging for over a year now. The fact that my ex now resides in the UK has complicated things quite a bit. And while this was happening, the I-129F petition was approved. I sent in several letters to the US Embassy in Paris (where visas from Portugal are also handled) and we were granted a year's extension to apply for the visa. That was about to expire at the end of May so we decided that I should go ahead and apply for it. I had my interview and got approved last week, and I'm now waiting for the visa to be issued and delivered. All things going without a hitch, I'll move to the US by myself as soon as school ends here, while they take off for the UK to spend their summer vacation period with their dad. My fiance and I will get married at the courthouse right after I land, and we'll send in the AOS package that very day, so as to give time for the AP to be issued and so that I can return here at the start of the new school year.

There's no easy solution for us, here. I do not believe that it is in my daughters' best interest to move to the UK to be with their dad, especially given his work schedules. It makes no sense to me that they should stop living with me, with whom they've always been, to be taken care of by their dad's girlfriend who has kids of her own (even if they all get along very well). My ex has told the court a bunch of half-truths about me (like making it seem my relationship isn't serious because I met my fiance online) in the hopes of gaining support, and none of it has stood in court, but the judge hasn't made a final decision yet on account of reports she's still waiting for (on his end, mine have been done for months, now). I don't want to move without my daughters, but I have been apart from my fiance for a very long time, and who knows how long still we would have to wait until it's all decided on, PLUS however long processing a new visa would take. It was suggested to me once, on here, that I should have gotten things decided in court first but my lawyer told me that I needed the physical evidence of the visa application to show the court why I'm asking for full custody, so there was really no option for us but to do things this way.

A long long post to say it's breaking my heart to leave them for the entire summer, to think that my fiance and I can't even have a nice wedding because we need to get the paperwork sent in ASAP, that I have no idea when my AP will come through and what will happen in the next few months. The custody case has been a nightmare, and I can't help feeling angry at my ex for putting me and my girls through all this. He never asked for their custody before, and is now using this situation to make my life miserable. There's really no way he can win, as I work from home, and will continue to work from home once I move, and so I can be there for my children every step of the way. There is nothing that he can offer that is better for them than what I can give them, so why is he making things so difficult?

*sigh*

Sorry for the novel-length post. It's all just so frustrating and painful.

Edited May 28, 2015 by SparklePony

[NikLR 13,227]

I can see exactly how that would be extremely frustrating. To be honest, I think a CR1 visa would have been a better choice for you. That way you wouldn't have been limited in your travelling. Perhaps, however, those 90 days it takes to get AP would change the kiddos minds about who they want to live with. Suddenly it's not a vacation anymore but life and all the changes that brings. It would be good to remind your eldest that she would be starting a new school in the USA as well.

Keep true and hopefully the judge will see what would be best for the kids.

As a bit of devil's advocate though, keep in mind that if they truly want to try living there with him, is it appropriate for you to deny both their wishes and his? Maybe a trial period, like 6 months or a year, would help everyone if they are really stuck on wanting to live with Dad. Just a thought.

Edited May 28, 2015 by NLR

[Boiler 45,525]

If he had moved to Portugal then all this could have been avoided.?

I would imagine a court would have been much more likely to give custody to the parent who staid than the one who moved away.

Edited May 28, 2015 by Boiler

[SparklePony 238]

I can see exactly how that would be extremely frustrating. To be honest, I think a CR1 visa would have been a better choice for you. That way you wouldn't have been limited in your travelling. Perhaps, however, those 90 days it takes to get AP would change the kiddos minds about who they want to live with. Suddenly it's not a vacation anymore but life and all the changes that brings. It would be good to remind your eldest that she would be starting a new school in the USA as well.

Keep true and hopefully the judge will see what would be best for the kids.

As a bit of devil's advocate though, keep in mind that if they truly want to try living there with him, is it appropriate for you to deny both their wishes and his? Maybe a trial period, like 6 months or a year, would help everyone if they are really stuck on wanting to live with Dad. Just a thought.

They're not staying the entire summer with him, just close to one month, then they return here. They'll stay with my parents until I can return, and eventually also do some vacation time with their other grandparents.

Looking back at how long everything has taken, maybe the CR-1 would have been the better choice visa-wise, but it would have meant a rushed marriage for us and not even being able to be together afterwards - as silly as it may seem, I didn't want to get married only to merely spend a few days together and then have to be separated again. That's no way to be married. This way at least we'll have the entire summer together, and hopefully it will also help the custody case by showing that yes, my relationship IS serious.

Also, for various reasons, I don't think a trial period would be good for them, honestly, and my lawyer also strongly advised against it. So, that's what we're working with. But don't think it hadn't been thought through, because it was. I just really really feel it would not be good for them.

If he had moved to Portugal then all this could have been avoided.?

I would imagine a court would have been much more likely to give custody to the parent who staid than the one who moved away.

By "he", you mean my fiance? Probably yes, and we did consider that option, initially. But he doesn't know the language and would probably not be able to find a job here, whereas I work from home and can work pretty much anywhere. In the meantime, while we were discussing our options and after my ex had left the country, my fiance got a full-time job, with benefits. I've lived in the US as a kid, so I'm familiar with the culture and perfectly at ease with the language. It just made sense for all of us if I was the one to move.

And yes, my ex was the one who left the country. He had a stable life here, he was living with his gf and her kids, had a stable job that didn't pay too badly. It wasn't super-duper amazing, but it was safe and steady and he earned ok enough for our standards. But he gave it all up and uprooted them all to move to the UK, and now that I want to make a better life for myself in the US, he's making things difficult.

Edited May 28, 2015 by SparklePony

[NikLR 13,227]

Well at least all the options have been discussed. Hopefully whats best for the kids will be what happens.

I also moved because of my husband's work. I can work retail anywhere, but his job is hard to get. He pretty much can't be fired (he is not a rule breaker) and if his job goes away, they have to find him a new position. We also felt it was better to be stable than struggling. Had this job for him not shown up when it did, he'd likely be in Canada instead.

For me, not being able fly at a moments notice took precedent over how I thought a relationship should be. Had it been up to either of us we would have lived together for several years before marriage. It is what it is.

Hopefully your kids dont get sick or hurt during your AOS wait. At least you could get emergency AP but I'm not sure how long that takes. You can always have another wedding that's as big and flamboyant as you want after you get your green card anyhow.

[SparklePony 238]

Thank you.

Honestly, I just didn't expect the court case to last as long as it has. Hindsight is always 20/20, right? Now we're just working with what we have at hand.

[NikLR 13,227]

Thank you.

Honestly, I just didn't expect the court case to last as long as it has. Hindsight is always 20/20, right? Now we're just working with what we have at hand.

Yes that's all you can do.

[hayesj6 1]

Being a parent doesn't come with a instruction manual. As mothers we love our children & do the best we can. My children are adults but my fiance has a 2 yr old who will come here after we get married & settled in our own place. What may seem selfish can turn out to be a true sacrifice especially if your child is making the choice not to come. My fiance is leaving his son so we can provide a home for him. Every case is different

Lets not judge others.

[His karma 20]

It is a very difficult choice to make. I can't wait till we get some kind of approval for us to get back to Canada. No one case is the same, and everybody's situation is going to have different requirements. This tread was started so those of is going through it have a place to talk, cry, laugh and rage if need be without judgment. I am flying up for 2 weeks, as my ex delayed even responding to me till May so the cost of a plane ticket went through the roof. My ex too has tried to say to the courts that me meeting my husband online is something that needed to be addressed in the courts. I even provided him with a police report on my husband, showing there was no reason to keep the kids from him. He never provided the same courtesy with his girlfriend, whom he moved in with the kids with no discussion what so ever. Now he tells the youngest that perhaps she shouldn't live with me and my husband when we get back up there since she won't know him very well. my husband loves those kids, and has spent time with them on two occasions, as well as talked to them when we do get a chance to Skype with them.

He has yet to even respond to my request for time with the kids when I get up there.

Okay...Rant over.

NLR,

I am glad things have gone smoothly for you. I know it was a very hard decision for you as well.

Sparklepony,

It broke my heart not to be able to bring my kids, but I felt uprooting them from their family in Canada was worse than taking myself away even for a few years. Phone, facetime, Skype, all help in the short term, but the heart longs to hold those babies (and my babies are 18, 13 and almost 10) in my arms and it breaks every time they are too busy to talk, or don't want to talk. We are looking at a possible 18 month delay in getting back to Canada. Hopefully not, but who knows. We know the road to the US took a long time, so we know patience is key. It also made more sense for me to go to the US because he had a steady job that pays well, and I could not have afforded ot not have him working up here. Once he has Canadian PR he will be able to get on the books at the local IBEW and should be working pretty quick...we hope!

Heyes,

I am so glad your fiancé can bring her baby with her. I could never have left a young child, and if mine had been under 5 I think we would have just stuck it out as best I could.

[SparklePony 238]

Sparklepony,

It broke my heart not to be able to bring my kids, but I felt uprooting them from their family in Canada was worse than taking myself away even for a few years.

I can understand that. For us, though, that's not an issue as they will be uprooted either way. Either to the US, with me, or the UK, with their dad. It is my belief that bringing them to the US will be the easier uproot. For one, I will be 100% available for them as I always have been. And second, I have been in their shoes, albeit over 20 years ago. So I'm in a better position to help them navigate the new waters than their dad is.

Even though my POE date is approaching (visa should be issued and delivered this week), I get torn between excitement and worry.

[SCOTTANDVICKI 11]

I'm in a very similar situation. I just moved to the U.S. from the UK this week and I had to leave my son with his Dad.

My husband moved to the UK but just couldn't find work in his (fairly specialist) field there. He was a highly educated person working in a minimum wage, zero hours contract job just because there was literally nothing else. I was then made redundant from my job in the civil service so it made sense.

I have joint custody with my ex husband but my son lived most of the time with him because I worked long hours in a high pressure job and was the main earner when he was born so was the one to work full time while my ex worked fewer hours for childcare. This arrangement has always suited our son and I gave him the option to come with us. I would have loved him to, and I still hold out hope that one day he will. Leaving him was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to do but overall this is the right thing.

I will be flying back 3 times a year and we will regularly talk on Skype too. I do strongly believe (in reference to an earlier point) that we get the most criticism for it because of being mothers. Men move away from their children all the time for work, new relationships - even many fathers who are still with the mothers are away from their kids a lot. I know 3 women personally whose husbands work in mining, on an oil rig and in the military and are away at least 75% of the year. They don't seem to get as much of a hard time. So much for gender equality...

[bec_goe 4]

I'm in the same boat.

I have a (nearly) 11yo that doesn't want to move to LA. She has her dad here, her step-mother, step-brother, her cousins etc that she's close with, her education and friends.

My husband and I have been back and forth but realise that we would be taking my daughter away from a lot and moving would surely affect her. And it kills me because of the distance we would have and she is so adamant that she doesn't want to move.

My husband cannot move here - he has a 3yo son and he has been through with his son's mother along with around $80K on legals just so he can have see his son (they're at 70/30) so if he moved here, his son's mother would never let him see his son again.

On top of that, my husband works in film and TV so has a great job and he is set up with his own home in the Valley.

No doubt it's going to be absolutely tough but there are phone calls, there's Skype and my daughter will come out for the school holidays (so 2 weeks every 3 months and then a month in December).

[bec_goe 4]

Another benefit I have is Qantas staff travel - my mum worked for Qantas for some time and that has gone down to her kids (my brother and I) so it's $600 return to Sydney so I will definitely be going back and forth when I can.

[TBoneTX 45,309]

Thread from 2013 was closed to further comment, but it's now reopened, because there's little if any outdated information. Just bear in mind that earlier participants might no longer be active on the site.

Edited February 24, 2016 by TBoneTX