Leaving Your Children

[david'sgirl 134]

How could you leave your kid for a boyfriend/girlfriend??? Yes you are abandoning your child for your own happiness. If you are having trouble coping with this decision it is because your conscience is telling you that you are doing something incredibly selfish that will be very detrimental to your child's life and future.

Really? Do you know every individual who has had to make such a choice? Do you know the unique circumstances? Do you know the ages,wishes, personalities, needs and what is best for other people's children?

What gives you the right to come on here as a newbie no less, and appoint yourself as sheriff, judge, jury and executioner?

When we met we both had children. My son and daughter still lived at home with me but have since grown up and moved out. They would have had the option to move with me but neither one was interested.

My husband had partial custody of his son. My step son is disabled and was living in a special school when his father made the difficult decision to relocate. We go back as often as we can. My step son has no concept of time or missing his dad. Since his mum is still alive bringing him here is not an option. If anyone suffers it is my husband. Your narrow minded view has no place here. If you do not have something helpful to add to the conversation then it would be more helpful for you to do what my mom said and , "if you cannot say something nice then you should say nothing at all". Those of us who have had to make difficult choices really do not need someone who has no clue about what we have been through sitting in judgement trying to make parents feel worse than they already do. No one is perfect. Life is full of difficult choices but we only get one life. Sacrificing your happiness and living a miserable existence apart from the one person you were meant to be with, "for the sake of the children", is no way to live and benefits no one. Resentment toward the children you gave up everything for would probably follow. People do what is best for their family at the time. You have no right to judge others just because it does not suit you. I think all of the parents who have gone through this are brave. I also think it takes a selfless person to choose what is best for their child, even if that means leaving them behind.

[lynndy38 64]

How could you leave your kid for a boyfriend/girlfriend??? Yes you are abandoning your child for your own happiness. If you are having trouble coping with this decision it is because your conscience is telling you that you are doing something incredibly selfish that will be very detrimental to your child's life and future.

I wondered when the nasty comments would start. You haven't stopped for one moment to think what on earth could have happened in the lives of these parents and children to come to the conclusion they have. You just jumped straight in with insults. Please do not predict my sons future based on your ignorant views.

[His karma 20]

How could you leave your kid for a boyfriend/girlfriend??? Yes you are abandoning your child for your own happiness. If you are having trouble coping with this decision it is because your conscience is telling you that you are doing something incredibly selfish that will be very detrimental to your child's life and future.

Wow Judgemental. Do you have children? Does your fiance have children? Are you in a position to make a judgement against others on a decision people have made based on thier own situations? Until you have walked a mile in anothers shoes, you have no right to judge them.

Lindy, I have said it before, you are making a decision in the best interest of your son. Don't let some newbie make you feel any different.

[Boiler 46,322]

To be fair the OP never suggested that the decision was solely in the best interests of the child.

Edited March 18, 2013 by Boiler

[NikLR 13,232]

Is it okay for a dad to move but not okay for a mom?

[NikLR 13,232]

My daughter staying with her father is completely in the best interests of her. He makes 5 times what I do in a year. He will never lose his job unless the economy completely collapses and everyone loses jobs. He is a good father, who loves his child above everything else. To be honest, I often feel we were in a relationship less because I was there and more because I was accidently pregnant so early in our relationship. She will continue to live in her room, with her stuff, her cousins and grandma are here as are all of her friends. She will stay at the same school.

I've asked her if she wants to live with me while I've been here and she says no, she likes living with Daddy. I've asked her if she wants to move and again the same answer. When I moved out, I didn't have a place to live. That's a great way to take care of a child.

Lets say that I force a move... I would be here for a long time just gaining custody that allows me to move. If that didn't happen my husband would be moving here and we would be starting completely over again, while fighting a custody battle. She'd have to go through the courts. If we win lets say we move back to the USA. She has to get a new school, new friends, new everything. She would have to get used to having her step-father in her life all the time and wouldn't see her dad who she loves more than anything in the world.

Does that not mean that I don't feel guilty? Of course I do. This is my daughter. This is the girl that runs at me at my work for hugs when her dad drops her off. The one I cuddle with at night when she sleeps over. Do I worry that I'll ruin everything irreparably? Yes. Should I stay? Maybe. Should I force my husband to move here? Possibly. Or should I try to move forward with my life because that was the exact reason I left her father? That's what I'm trying. I may fail and fall flat on my face. I'm sure you hope I do. I'm sure others do as well. But I don't live my life in accordance to what everyone else thinks I should do. I do what I feel is best for me and mine. I don't care if you agree. I have to try.

[david'sgirl 134]

Is it okay for a dad to move but not okay for a mom?

I was actually defending my husband along with the moms. It is up to each family to do what is best for them.

My point is it unfair for someone outside of the family to be so nasty and judgmental about the sacrifices we made.

[NikLR 13,232]

I was actually defending my husband along with the moms. It is up to each family to do what is best for them.

My point is it unfair for someone outside of the family to be so nasty and judgmental about the sacrifices we made.

I totally agree with you. I was referring to the particular post by that person who with the bad mom comment.

[Ban Hammer 13,678]

one judgmental post removed along with 3 quoting. the op didn't post this thread so members can make judgmental comments. any additional judgmental comments will be removed and offending members will face admin action against their account.

post responsibly. ty.

[david'sgirl 134]

one judgmental post removed along with 3 quoting. the op didn't post this thread so members can make judgmental comments. any additional judgmental comments will be removed and offending members will face admin action against their account.

post responsibly. ty.

Thanks Charles.

[david'sgirl 134]

I totally agree with you. I was referring to the particular post by that person who with the bad mom comment.

Gotcha.

We are going to Scotland to visit my stepson next month. We have not been back since Christmas due to the expense and the lack of vacation time.

[NikLR 13,232]

Gotcha.

We are going to Scotland to visit my stepson next month. We have not been back since Christmas due to the expense and the lack of vacation time.

Oh I want to go to Scotland one day. Hubs does too. It's on my bucket list!

[His karma 20]

To be fair the OP never suggested that the decision was solely in the best interests of the child.

You are right. I didn't say the decision is soley in the best interest of the child.

One thing I think that needs to be remembered is that most of us are talking about children that are old enough to have a say in the matter. If I had a child say, under the age of 4 or 5, I think it would be a no brainer, at least for me, that they child would come with me, or my Fiance would come up here. And that is part of the discussion we have had. We have been in a relationship almost 2 years now. So when we first started talking, there was no choice to be made. He was coming here, end of story. But two years down the road, my kids have gotten older, he now has his daughter full time, situation has changed. The end result we want is the same, for our children to be happy and healthy and for our relationship to be able to develop, to get married and be the couple we so desire to be.

[NikLR 13,232]

His karma has a great point.

[His karma 20]

Is it okay for a dad to move but not okay for a mom?

This is where my fiance and I have struggled too. Before he had custody of his daughter, he was going to move. And in all honesty, he was also going to bring his daughter up here. But financially, it just doesn't make sence. He has the stability, income, pension etc. I don't have the same level of stability. If he had joint custody rather than full custody, would he have been "abandoning" his daughter if he chose to move here? It is never an easy decision regardless of who moves when there are children involved. It also then brings up the question, if one moves and both have kids, are you putting the others kids first? I also don't think this is the case as long as you are giving the children the option, giving them a voice in where they live.