What should I do?

[KVM 6]

I'm from south america and I don't know much of indian culture, but so far I know your women are way different from women from the western hemisphere. You should gave her the chance to adjust. She is not only traded her whole culture for a totally new one and wayyyyy different from hers but also she needed to adjust to a new life as married women with a guy she barely knew. What did you expected? That she was going to jump into your bed like that? She doesn't know you, and if your marriage was arranged we CAN'T talk about love. So I bet she was scared and the only thing you did was preasured her while she was struggleing trying to adjust to her new life. I am from Venezuela, we are totally a western culture and we are pretty much liberal thinkers and even when I was happy to moved here I was scared to deathhhh! I can't imagine what your poor wife went through. And adjusting to a marry life is not easy either. I'm sorry if you feel insulted by my comments but ut really piss me of, cause as a non US beneficiary I know how hard it is too be in her position. We have to leave our family, our friends, our jobs, our culture abd everything we know in order to be with our loveones. Not only thst but we have to start from scratch, waiting for our documents to travel, drive, work or at least been able to open a freaking bank account. I feel like if I'm 15 again and is not fun. So to end with this the best thing you can do for her was sent her back to her family cause OBVIOUSLY you are NOT able to take care of her. Good luck! Btw 60 days is NOTHING! i've been here for 10 month and till working on it!

Adapting to a new life in a different country where you start from scratch is not only tough and scary for the partner who leaves everything behind and arrives here, but also an exercise of patience, love, understanding, and support for the US citizen/national. Couples overcome difficulty by being a team and caring for each other. Therefore, it's also your responsibility if the marriage doesn't work; especially if your marriage was arranged and, on top of the previous, you need to build on each other feelings as well. You're expecting something from her you might not be able to do yourself if you were in her shoes.

Nobody has played you for a fool here. Her struggling, your poor performance and lack of empathy, plus not being able to communicate with each other is what happened in your case.

[Peter_Pan 661]

Jeez.....take it ez bro...60 days without sex is nothing. Treat her nice and know her before you get in her pants.This seems so surreal that I feel like you're just lying. Btw my parents got married and saw each other on the day of marriage, imagine that...28th wedding anniversary coming up!! The real definition of arranged wedding :-)

Doesn't mean there were 28 HAPPY years.

[Mey78 3]

Look the problem may be that the marriage was arranged and that only means love lacked... Sending her back is not going to make things better and of course you could file for divorce but you need to be aware of this, her legal status won't change if you divorce and she can stay legally in the states without depending on you, because it was arranged and you brought her to the states when divorcing you may be financially responsible for her because she left her country and family and now you are basically abandoning her.. So there is two things you can do.. If you want your marriage to work giver time and space and get a counselor to work things out because is not easy to be married in a country you have never been at without family around, or divorce her and pray that she doesn't take actions against you that may cost you more than a counselor... Laws protect women in many ways and forcing to adjust or even putting pressure on her about sex may be qualified as mental abuse which immigration grants in most cases legal status to people when proven.. Good luck and resolve your situation the best mature way you can finding legal advice.. This matter sounds more like you should get some marriage counseling rather than immigration help before you do anything

[Peter_Pan 661]

To the OP - I am guessing you are not attractive, or she might want some romance before anything (I am guessing she is a virgin, are you?). Poor woman, she dodged a bullet.

[KVM 6]

I truly think it was better that she went home then have him go off his rocker and abuse her.

Excuse me??!! One thing is talking about cultural differences, and a completely different thing is talking about RESPECT. Marriages in India might be arranged, either I understand that or not, but EVERY relationship has to be built on RESPECT. I'm not going to argue about customs that differ from my own, but abuse is a crime not matter where you are from. Men/people who think like that make me ashamed of being human.

Also, it's ''better than'', not ''then''.

Edited February 25, 2013 by Mrs.Him

[Carie_Azan 35]

You think her family knew she didn't want to have sex with you? seriously? This is why arranged marriages are backwards, you should marry for love, not because your family wants it. You want to file a complaint with immigration because you aren't getting?..again...SERIOUSLY?????? SMH

I absolutely love following your posts and reply’s! you are so to the point, it's great! we need more of you

[fantonledzepp 159]

Excuse me??!! One thing is talking about cultural differences, and a completely different thing is talking about RESPECT. Marriages in India might be arranged, either I understand that or not, but EVERY relationship has to be built on RESPECT. I'm not going to argue about customs that differ from my own, but abuse is a crime not matter where you are from. Men/people who think like that make me ashamed of being human.

Also, it's ''better than'', not ''then''.

What are you talking about?

The poster said that's it's better that she returned home, rather than her getting abused.

Are you also going to point out that I ended a sentence with a preposition?

Edited February 25, 2013 by fantonledzepp

[Shiobhan 235]

OP being from the West I coukd never understand arranged marriages....however I have known one couple that it seemed great with them also its your

culture maybe so I wont knock it, I'd say the marriage should be annuled, what did U guys do on the wedding night? did her mom give her that talk since

they arranged things? In uscis expects the marriage also to have been consumated to be bonified, did'nt U at keast smooch B4 the wedding? yes I know no sex

but me being from the west would NOT buy puss in a bag, what if its no goods there, or damaged, I am not been judgemental just cant wrap my head around these

things , not tying up myself without at keast a tasters test....but I am from the west, I really dont think you could rectify the problem, seem more like she needed

to see an expert.

[JohnR! 5,495]

Hello All,

I'm a US citizen and I got married in India in February 2012, in March I applied for CR1 VISA for my wife and she finally arrived here in US in December 2012. Since then we haven't connected properly and basically we are strangers in bedroom. Whenever I ask her about our sexual relation, she says she needs more time and sometimes says she is not interested. Since the marriage was arranged this topic never came before marriage and now I feel like me and my family (parents) are cheated.

Without waiting any longer and to avoid and chance of physical or mental abuse, I bought her a ticket to India and sent her back to her parents last week. Since then I haven't got a valid response from her family. All they are saying is that she needs more time and needs to adjust. However, I think there is some serious problem which they are trying to hide. We feel her family knew about this all along and tried to hide it from me and my family.

Please, can someone let me know what should I do?

• Should I file a complaint with Immigration department?
• After all this I don't see we getting back together, so should I start the divorce process immediately?
• Any suggestion on where I can find divorce information for Washington state?

Any sort of suggestions is really appreciated this matter.

Thanks.

You have not been cheated. It you never discussed sex before you decided to spend the rest of your life with someone else, it clearly means it is not an important aspect of marriage for you. It seems it only became important after your wife got here. This is called 'bait-and-switch'.

If anything, I think your wife got cheated because you sent her back - as one would a package - because she did not feel comfortable having sex with a stranger.

I would say, set her free. Let her go and be happy and try and find someone you want to marry rather than someone who someone else picked for you. Give her a divorce and be wiser for having learned another lesson in life.

Good luck!

Edited February 25, 2013 by Gegel

[catknit 144]

Excuse me??!! One thing is talking about cultural differences, and a completely different thing is talking about RESPECT. Marriages in India might be arranged, either I understand that or not, but EVERY relationship has to be founded on RESPECT. I'm not going to argue about customs that differ from mine own, but abuse is a crime not matter where you are from. Men/people who think like you make me embarrassed to be the same species.

I really don't understand how it's disrespectful for her to return to her family??? If anything, taking into consideration the cultural angle which you have admitted you are not familiar with, the most respectful thing is for her to return to her family.

The OP mentioned he didn't want to abuse her or be accused of being abusive, he bought a ticket for her to go home to her parents...I really don't get the outrage. If she had wanted to stay here or wants to return, she has every right and the appropriate paperwork to do so. If he was so at-the-end-of-his-rope that he was scared he could abuse her, it makes sense that they separated in some way - he did the culturally accepted thing of getting her to her parents.

I'm sorry if you think that that in itself is abusive, but that would be the cultural expectation given the other circumstances [being in the US only a few months, such a short marriage, etc].

[KVM 6]

What are you talking about?

The poster said that's it's better that she returned home, rather than her getting abused.

Are you also going to point out that I ended a sentence with a preposition?

I really don't understand how it's disrespectful for her to return to her family??? If anything, taking into consideration the cultural angle which you have admitted you are not familiar with, the most respectful thing is for her to return to her family.

The OP mentioned he didn't want to abuse her or be accused of being abusive, he bought a ticket for her to go home to her parents...I really don't get the outrage. If she had wanted to stay here or wants to return, she has every right and the appropriate paperwork to do so. If he was so at-the-end-of-his-rope that he was scared he could abuse her, it makes sense that they separated in some way - he did the culturally accepted thing of getting her to her parents.

I'm sorry if you think that that in itself is abusive, but that would be the cultural expectation given the other circumstances [being in the US only a few months, such a short marriage, etc].

''(...) better that she went home [than] have him go off his rocker and abuse her''.

That is what I quoted and what I talked about in that specific post. As I said, I'm not arguing about Indian traditions because I am not an expert on the matter, and I have respect for cultures than differ from my own.

fantonledzepp, ending a sentence with a preposition is not always incorrect i.e. phrasal verbs, or cases in which the meaning of the sentence changes if you leave off the preposition; among some others. In this case, ''What are you talking?'' would be an incomplete sentence.

catknit, I agree with you. I was just commenting on the ''abuse her'' part. I wasn't trying to start a quarrel with any you, just expressing how much I dislike abuse towards other living beings.

Edited February 25, 2013 by Mrs.Him

[Sandra G. 5,043]

Arranged marriage is a way to maintaining caste families. I imagine is like winning the lottery, the chances to get married and fall in love is damn small.

File for annulment and find "love" . Good luck.

[bt1 42]

Should I file a complaint with Immigration department?

Yes, I think you should definitely file a complaint....I'd be really interested to hear their response!!!

All respect to cultural differences, but when marriages are arranged, does sex come up as a topic in the negotiations? I ask this because you keep saying that her parents knew about this and were trying to hide it from you and your family.

I'd rather would like to think that this is just basic lack of communication: when a marriage is arranged, I think the couple has a lot of work to do when they start living together, unlike most, non-arranged marriages in which some level of communication has already developed prior to marriage. I would say that you are being inpatient and unreasonable and perhaps even selfish to expect everything will fall into place the minute she steps on the US soil. Don't you think that maybe she also feels cheated by you: thought she was getting a husband not a "master" she submits to?

If you really feel that she has nothing to offer you, by all means, divorce her, but don't blame her or her parents...and certainly not the US immigration system!!!

Edited February 25, 2013 by bt1

[Caryh 5,206]

All respect to cultural differences, but when marriages are arranged, does sex come up as a topic in the negotiations? I ask this because you keep saying that her parents knew about this and were trying to hide it from you and your family.

This is something that runs through my head to. I've always just assumed there was a certain amount of expected courtship to go one before they became intimate. I can't really imagine women in cultures with arranged marriages are all that different than in cultures with love based marriages. Although I would also assume the bride knows she can't say no forever to.

[aayitrun 66]

people on this thread jumping to conclusions so fast.

OP: have u tried counselling? I can totally understand someone being apprehensive for 60 days which is rather short.. but.. giving only 1 reason about time also seems kinda idiotic. she should atleast be prepared to go into some details and be willing to have a conversation.