What should I do?

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

Hold up, hold up, hold up, back up, there's one sentence in there that disturbs the Hell out of me.

Are you telling us you actually entertained the notion of ABUSING your wife?

I'm trying really hard not to get incredibly rageful, but it's hard.

I think we will need some clarification on that.

A woman is a lot like a piece of fine porcelain. She needs to be treated gently and carefully. Trying to force a woman who is disinterested in sex to have sex is not only bordering marital rape, but unless she has some hardcore fetishes, is likely to lead to her withdrawing more. She might be scared out of her mind, she might not be attracted to you, etc. You really have no idea but unless you learn how to behave around a woman especially one as cherished as your wife, it is probably best that you divorce and not get remarried. This woman is your life partner and she deserves to be treated as such.

[Caryh 5,206]

First let me say I have no idea how these arranged marriages normally work. Is it expected the woman will just get married and spread her legs for you? Must be like the Sahara desert down there, and I don't think I'd want to be going there. I would guess there would need to be a significant courtship period before sexual relations would become a wanted thing by a woman in an arranged marriage. Maybe you expected the period to be a week, or a month and at two months you're fed up. If your attitude and actions went towards demanding sex from her after 30 days, you were just pushing her farther away. From my own experience of having an immigrant spouse, when homesickness hits sex is not an option. She might not even want me to kiss her, let alone have sex with her. I can't imagine how hard getting married and moving so far from your wife's family to live with someone she doesn't even know was for her. So you took her to Vegas, big deal. You should have been taking her for walks in the park, movies, out to dinner, etc... Courting her to fall in love with and want you. There's a courtship process that is shared across human cultures, that comes from the core of being human, and I'm afraid you didn't understand this and tried to skip straight to dessert when you hardly put appetizers on the table yet. Maybe she was taking longer to come around than you expected, that doesn't make her defective, it makes her a person with her own needs and feelings. If she needed more time and attention, you should have given more, or there may be people calling you the defective one. Again let me repeat, I do not know the culture of arranged marriages and the expectations. But I can hardly guess that she wasn't the only arranged bride that was reluctant to have sex so fast after getting married. And yes I know you were married much earlier on paper, but in the heart and mind that marriage was not complete until she came to live with you.

As to reporting this to immigration, when your marriage is terminated, yes you can report that with her A number. There is no sort of fraud to report, so get that out of your head. Also if the marriage was never consummated, you should be able to go the route of annulment rather than divorce. You'll need to look into

[Mrs. Childs 11]

It really seems to me it was an arranged marriage. I do know in Indian culture this is very common but just because its part of your culture does not mean its the best for you! I would say you both are better away from each other, because love will not keep you strong and together. I do not see how you feel cheated if everything started wrong since the beginning!! Yo do not go looking for a spouse like they were a cd player or a microwave... Thats just wrong to me. Besides it seems to me you two did not spend time together trying to know each other enough. And still trying to understand how a man can think a woman has to be sexually aroused everytime he wants just because she is married to him. You should go to your nearest courthouse and find out about the divorce, or hire a lawyer. Good luck!!

[catknit 144]

You really should have posted this in the India sub-forum....

The OP married a year ago - they were living together for about 60 days here before he felt it was important to send her home to her parents. So, there is a good 9-10 months while their file was being processed to have an emotional connection. OP - how did that go? Were there any red flags about the relationship during that time? Was she living with your family since the marriage?

How well are your family and her family connected? I'm guessing not too well if you are having thoughts that she used you to establish herself her in the US [and most likely start the whole family's visa journey?]. I understand the concern that she and her family may have used you to get a ticket into the US because it is, unfortunately, very typical.

The big hallmark that makes me think the OP does care and is concerned about being thrown into a VAWA nightmare is the fact he mentions she isn't eating well. Other than being intimately aware of Indian culture [having married into it and having lived in India] I can't really describe why that one comment strikes me as a very respectful, caring reason to send her home. It will sound nuts to people not familiar with the culture but all true friends and family are CONSTANTLY concerned with getting proper food and nutrition in my experience.

The whole arranged marriage thing in India can be very business-like. But, it would be as business like whether he was sponsoring her to the US or if they were both living in India. I get it isn't everyone's cup of tea here, but it's pretty standard in India - and no, it's not an excuse to abuse anyone or to treat someone in a shabby manner - it's just different.

[NikLR 13,231]

To be honest, I don't think the OP is going to find much, if any, sympathy on this board. Most of us have married for love and spend that long period of time waiting for immigration so we can be with that person. In the end, love can happen in the OP's case, but it'll certainly take longer than 2 months a of living with someone you don't know. It may never happen. He can either give her time, take this opportunity to woo his wife as if she wasn't married to him and see how it goes, or he can get a divorce (or annulment if applicable) and let them both move on.

[Andrea&Henry 311]

I know that arrange marriage it's something common in some cultures and I truly respect other's people culture but marrying someone you barely know without love sounds crazy to me. The next time the OP wants to get married try to do it because you are in love. What it pissed people of was the way you talk about your wife, like if she was cattle or something you can trade. Western women are more open minded, and in terms of sexuality, we are not as traditional as indian women. And even when we are open minded, for me, get married and having sex we a totally stranger person sounds pretty awful. The next time try to be more respectful with the person you call your wife, try to be kind and gentle. And try to understand how hard is for us, the beneficiary, leave everything we know to star from scratch in another country, in order to be with our loveone

[kzielu 1,149]

I know that arrange marriage it's something common in some cultures and I truly respect other's people culture but marrying someone you barely know without love sounds crazy to me.

I do respect other cultures in general, but have very little respect for things that makes no sense. Like arranged marriage...

[jose_leti 7]

i mean no disrespect man! but u misunderstand the meaning of a marriage. Shipping someone back to her family and awaiting their responses for what you suspect they knew was a bad move. your only thinking about yourself and your needs. Did you ever think about her needs really? adjusting to life here in the usa is extremely difficult specially for anyoone that leaves everytihg behind.

if you have already sent her back then all i can say is move on and divorce her she deserves someone better than you. because if you truly cared for her you would put your needs aside. for example if she did not want to have relations with you. you should of gave her more time and been patient. you should of build more trust in her and eventually she would have spoken up to you about how she felt. like true best friends witch is what every husband and wife should be.

sit down. think hard and ask yourself if you want her in your life and future. if the answered is yes. then start to fight for her no matter the cost. win her love and her trust. build a solid foundation with her.

other than that. just the way you talked about her shows the way you felt about her. not one time did you mention you missed her. most of the users on this site have gone thru heartaches awaiting for their loves one to be approved in order to bring her here. the visajourney is tough and not for everyione.

[RR136 5]

Jeez.....take it ez bro...60 days without sex is nothing. Treat her nice and know her before you get in her pants.This seems so surreal that I feel like you're just lying. Btw my parents got married and saw each other on the day of marriage, imagine that...28th wedding anniversary coming up!! The real definition of arranged wedding :-)

[Andrea&Henry 311]

I do respect other cultures in general, but have very little respect for things that makes no sense. Like arranged marriage...

Exactly! If we were living in the 15th century I can understand but I cant believe that we are in the 21 century and people keep behaving like that. Not only that, but it really bothers me the way the women are treated, like a property

[velrich 50]

since you really are only interested in having a 'bedmate' and not in having a meaningful 'relationship' then by all means seek an annulment since the marriage was not consummated.

You have nothing to report to immigration. :bonk:

[catknit 144]

Jeez.....take it ez bro...60 days without sex is nothing. Treat her nice and know her before you get in her pants.This seems so surreal that I feel like you're just lying. Btw my parents got married and saw each other on the day of marriage, imagine that...28th wedding anniversary coming up!! The real definition of arranged wedding :-)

I'm betting he isn't counting it as just 60 days - he sees himself as married a year.

Plus, he has suspicions [maybe founded, maybe not] that he and his fam were used to get to the US - we all know that happens. Hell, I'd run out of fingers and toes to count how many F1/H1B NRIs that have asked me if I have other gori friends that would marry them just to stay here - let alone random dudes that have brought it up in India. Jeez, just look at most matrimonials that list visa/citizenship status. It's great if you or your family is progressive/beyond all that - but, not all are. How many families still have dowry practices [which is completely illegal]?

I truly think it was better that she went home then have him go off his rocker and abuse her.

The question becomes if at this point in time it was fair for him to get her a ticket home - strangely, the fact of the matter is when the exact opposite is posed in this forum [foreign wife who has been here a couple of months and says the marriage isn't working out, she doesn't know what to do, can she get spousal support, can she file VAWA because he might become abusive, etc etc] many posters say "going home may be in your best interest, maybe your soon-to-be-ex will buy you a ticket home". In this case, the OP bought the wife a ticket home.

It's a crappy circumstance for both parties - I don't think the OP or his wife wanted a failed marriage. Maybe he needs to be more patient and it will all work out. Maybe it's over. Maybe she wasn't happy in the marriage, too and figured this was an acceptable to way to end the marriage [that he WOULD want her to go home and she can say "well, I gave it a shot, we were a mis-match"]. You'd think after a year, they would at least have an emotional connection even if they weren't physically together. Not hearing her side of this kinda puts all of us at a huge disadvantage about being able to make any real judgment calls [not that that is really our place to start out with].

[TBoneTX 45,893]

You really should have posted this in the India sub-forum.... [...] I understand the concern that she and her family may have used you to get a ticket into the US because it is, unfortunately, very typical. [...] The big hallmark that makes me think the OP does care and is concerned about being thrown into a VAWA nightmare is the fact he mentions she isn't eating well. Other than being intimately aware of Indian culture [having married into it and having lived in India] I can't really describe why that one comment strikes me as a very respectful, caring reason to send her home. It will sound nuts to people not familiar with the culture but all true friends and family are CONSTANTLY concerned with getting proper food and nutrition in my experience. [...] The whole arranged marriage thing in India can be very business-like. [...]

I too wonder whether this thread belongs more in the India subforum. The issues do seem to be cultural; the chief audience in this "Effects" forum is far more familiar with (and oriented toward) "love" marriages; the OP has received some pretty good advice from the "love"-marriage perspective (and has gotten hammered); and there are subtleties of Indian/arranged-marriage culture that are perhaps better dealt with in the India subforum.

OP, if you want this thread to be moved, I or another VJ Organizer can move it for you. If a VJ Moderator sees this first and finds my reasoning (really, Catknit's) to be persuasive, then he/she can move it.

[LSnBigBear 61]

I do not see why you would file a complaint. It sounds like you and her had issues with starting out. Keep in mind I believe it takes 6-18 months to get adjusted to each other. I have a friend that had issues with his wife for a year. She went home for 2 months and came back. They still have issues but now slowly they are improving. Sometimes patience is the virtue. If she has emotional issues and you approached the "bedroom" wrong then my guess is she will not want to come back.

Good luck as you are not in a good position nor is she from what you are saying.

[Andrea&Henry 311]

I'm betting he isn't counting it as just 60 days - he sees himself as married a year.

Plus, he has suspicions [maybe founded, maybe not] that he and his fam were used to get to the US - we all know that happens. Hell, I'd run out of fingers and toes to count how many F1/H1B NRIs that have asked me if I have other gori friends that would marry them just to stay here - let alone random dudes that have brought it up in India. Jeez, just look at most matrimonials that list visa/citizenship status. It's great if you or your family is progressive/beyond all that - but, not all are. How many families still have dowry practices [which is completely illegal]?

I truly think it was better that she went home then have him go off his rocker and abuse her.

The question becomes if at this point in time it was fair for him to get her a ticket home - strangely, the fact of the matter is when the exact opposite is posed in this forum [foreign wife who has been here a couple of months and says the marriage isn't working out, she doesn't know what to do, can she get spousal support, can she file VAWA because he might become abusive, etc etc] many posters say "going home may be in your best interest, maybe your soon-to-be-ex will buy you a ticket home". In this case, the OP bought the wife a ticket home.

It's a crappy circumstance for both parties - I don't think the OP or his wife wanted a failed marriage. Maybe he needs to be more patient and it will all work out. Maybe it's over. Maybe she wasn't happy in the marriage, too and figured this was an acceptable to way to end the marriage [that he WOULD want her to go home and she can say "well, I gave it a shot, we were a mis-match"]. You'd think after a year, they would at least have an emotional connection even if they weren't physically together. Not hearing her side of this kinda puts all of us at a huge disadvantage about being able to make any real judgment calls [not that that is really our place to start out with].

I'm agree that nobody wants a crappy marriage...as far as I know people get married because they love each other and want to spend their life together, but that's why you are or you should be boyfriend and girlfriend first, be able to get to know each other, to fell in love, to share time together and if it doesn't work, you move on. But marriage doesn't have a free 30 days trial, that if you don't like it, you send your wife back like a broken merchandise. And the OP was married since 2012 but he actually start being married since his wife got here.

That's why arranged marriage are totally senseless, you should get married with someone you know and love.