Cheating - What would you do?

[LSnBigBear 61]

rlogan gave same advice as I would give. I paid at one time while living and working in the RP to have an ex investigated. It was 2006 and it cost about $500 if memory serves me correct. They did just okay as it was locals following locals. I later learned there are foreiner owned investigators that have locals working for them that do a much better job. The foreign based businesses cost more but the quality is better. Before you dump money into something like this, ask yourself if you want to know the truth and if he you receive the truth via an investigator are you willing to cut the relationship off? My suggeston as my ex lied even when I personally handed her photos along with the 2 people that were following her and gathering the information. I only confronted her due to I knew she was lying, I wanted her to know I was not an idiot; I had extra money at the time to mess with her and I really did not want a relationship with her anymore anyway. It was just a game to show her not to mess with me. Okay I am hard headed. My suggestion if you move forward with this is to email, fax to him the data and then block his emails, take him off everything that he can communicate with you on and move on yourself. If he is losing his visa then he will try and try to hang on and even make you think you're wrong and crazy even with the information.

Good luck

[reese1 68]

rlogan gave same advice as I would give. I paid at one time while living and working in the RP to have an ex investigated. It was 2006 and it cost about $500 if memory serves me correct. They did just okay as it was locals following locals. I later learned there are foreiner owned investigators that have locals working for them that do a much better job. The foreign based businesses cost more but the quality is better. Before you dump money into something like this, ask yourself if you want to know the truth and if he you receive the truth via an investigator are you willing to cut the relationship off? My suggeston as my ex lied even when I personally handed her photos along with the 2 people that were following her and gathering the information. I only confronted her due to I knew she was lying, I wanted her to know I was not an idiot; I had extra money at the time to mess with her and I really did not want a relationship with her anymore anyway. It was just a game to show her not to mess with me. Okay I am hard headed. My suggestion if you move forward with this is to email, fax to him the data and then block his emails, take him off everything that he can communicate with you on and move on yourself. If he is losing his visa then he will try and try to hang on and even make you think you're wrong and crazy even with the information.

Good luck

[silvermug 16]

Boy, what do they say about a woman's intuition? Tisk.

I wouldn't hire an investigator. If I'm totally into the guy, like I'm head over heels, ready to abandon my life to be with him, I'd go see him in person and get to the bottom of it. LOL. Else, if I'm not that into him -- meh, moving along

I mean, if he really values you, he wouldn't do those things (i.e. not call after he promised to call, and leave you waiting and expecting). So, let's say you hired an investigator, and it's been found out that he doesn't have another woman. But would you be happy with a man who makes such promises he doesn't keep?

[ja_kemar 0]

I totally appreciate that because usually I'm the one ranting at my friends for the stupid relationships they're in.

i got contacts in a few caribbean countries so let me know

[Teutonic_rider 0]

No, not a lunatic, more like someone who is letting emotions cloud judgement. Of course there is no way to know his faithfulness without someone watching him, but there should be signs. Does he welcome surprise visits? Does he openly talk on the phone to you anytime, or does he only call or answer at specific times? I am a private investigator in California. To be honest, I wouldn't even know who to suggest you trust in any 3rd world countries. I will share this with you. In most any 3rd world nation, be very very cautions of who you trust. Their culture as well as their laws and their enforcement efforts leave clients vulnerable to many many scams. I was personally sent to Kiev to conduct an investigation for an American company because it was impossible to find someone either my client or I felt comfortable with in the area. I'm sure there are some honest ones there, but they are very few I would be comfortable with. The client and I both felt it was a savvy business move to invest a couple grand in my airfare and hotel room then to risk thousands and thousands of dollars on someone who may just take the money and vanish. Also in this case, comprehension of the English language was paramount as well and being an educated American, it was more efficient for me to create the report from scratch, rather than spend hours interpreting their writting into something we could use.

Conseqently, as experienced as I am with scams, I think I got scammed myself. While in Kiev, I hired and like a story, fell in love with my interpreter. She was a pretty little professional lady who told me she was divorcee and the rest was history. As soon as she got her greencard here, she vanished and refused any communcation with me. A few months later, after her room mates husband tried to rape her, she called me telling me she needs to come back now. I ended up in the hospital for a day and unable to return her call and now she refuses any communication with me again. I guess it will be interesting when she wants her conditions removed from her GC. What will she tell immgrationg when we have seperate addresses, seperate tax returns and I couldn't tell you what side of the bed she sleeps on since we havn't shared one since October of 2012.

My point is this, be careful, Ukraine is probably not as bad as jamaica or the DR or whatever other carribean nation you are refering too. My experience should have kept me from being used, but it didn't. I suspect you are not in the investigative business, otherwise you would not be talking about finding a PI on this site. We all lose some degree of judgement when our heart softens to someone. We live in a protected society and dont openly accept scamming as a way of life. Outside of America and our similar nations (UK, Germany etc), Life is not so protected and the thought of lying to get what you want is not as surprising as we think it is here. Americans are scammed quit often because we still think most people our honest, and in the US that is still true, but in a nation where basic essentials are in short supply, it's not the same.

If I can give you some more insight feel free to reply or email me. I am not sure how that works on here, but lets see.

Well said.

[Gosia & Tito 199]

I'm not sure, that's why I want to know. But it's the usual suspicions anyone in an LDR has I suppose. Not calling when he says he will. I've had a random number call my phone and hang up a few times from his area code. I don't want to come across as stupid and uninformed which is why I have refrained from posting on here earlier. But I just want to know if anyone has paid money to have their partner trailed. I have no idea how much this should cost so I wanted to know if anyone's done it.

Do I sound like a lunatic?

Don't take it the wrong way, but maybe you are just not suited for a LDR, let alone an intercultural/international one. Not saying to just surrender to love or the situation; but if you are having despair and anxiety, then again, maybe not something you might be fit for. Pretty much every relationship I had in my life has been LD -and I'm talking different continents-; the complexities and difficulties that exist in such a relationship made the relationship to not continue at some point or another, but it was never over cheating or suspicion of cheating or "simple" things. Eventually met my now wife and the stars were aligned so to speak so now we are married.

[Benediction 15]

If you cannot trust him, you will never be able to here or there. Untrust does not work in a realtionship. I recommend terminating this. Good luck, God bless.

[StephAnn2012 50]

"I've been reading these forums for a few months now and I feel like I already know some of you.  This is a lame first post but I had to join today to ask a question.  I need some input. I'm in long distance relationship with a man from the Caribbean (I don't want to specify which country).  I'm pretty sure he's cheating on me.  This might make me sound like a loser but I'm thinking of hiring a private investigator to confirm or deny my suspicions.  Has anyone ever done this before?  How much would you pay for this type of thing?  I'm at a financial loss already if he's cheating on me but it would be worth a little extra dough to know for sure."

Your post hit me really hard because I've been through what you are going through. So I'm going to talk to you very candidly and ask that you read my entire response and think about it very carefully. I was in a relationship and was sponsoring a woman to come to the US. I saw behavior that troubled me, but wanted desperately for the relationship to work, so I decided to ignore the things I saw for awhile. She liked to party and she lied about who she was with and where she went on a regular basis. I too, hired a detective to trace her steps on a night out. I spent $1,300 on that information and confirmed that she indeed was up to no good. I confronted her, said I forgave her and she was very, very "sorry". I continued the sponsorship, brought her to the US and it was a five year disaster. Without boring you with more details, I realized that I had somehow started living for the investigation. I was obsessed with finding out when she would lie or cheat again. There was no trust, many fights and in the process, I became sicker and sicker with this obsession to track her every move.

You know your man is cheating on you. You know it to your core, you wanted pricing for a detective and I just gave you a price, but that isn't what you need. You need to consider checking out of this relationship as fast as you can. The reason I say that is that trust takes a lifetime to earn but can disappear in a second. You don't trust this guy and you never will because he has already lost it.

I spent nearly 3 years alone after I divorced and didn't date, didn't even attempt to meet anyone. I knew that my faith in God was at an all time low. My self-esteem had plummeted and I wasn't a good man for any woman for those three years.

This is a long response, so I'll cut it off with this. You know what you need to do. You are already sure in your heart of who he is and don't need to spend another penny supporting him and his trip to America. You deserve someone who will love and honor you. You deserve someone who will never cause you to doubt yourself and your choice again. There is a man like that out there, but it is obvious this guy is not the one.

Don't make the same mistake I made, the regrets are profound when you marry someone who cannot be faithful to you.

[sarsorti 36]

I've been reading these forums for a few months now and I feel like I already know some of you. This is a lame first post but I had to join today to ask a question. I need some input.

I'm in long distance relationship with a man from the Caribbean (I don't want to specify which country). I'm pretty sure he's cheating on me. This might make me sound like a loser but I'm thinking of hiring a private investigator to confirm or deny my suspicions.

Has anyone ever done this before? How much would you pay for this type of thing? I'm at a financial loss already if he's cheating on me but it would be worth a little extra dough to know for sure. :(

I was just wondering why anyone would come this far with someone they can't/don't trust? For me if I have to even ask myself about hiring a PI then there is an obviously huge problem. Without trust there is nothing. Just my opinion, save your money and move on.

[sarsorti 36]

I've done it, and it can be well worth the money regardless of the outcome. I've had to hire them for other reasons too, business related, and there is high variance in quality. So check out the background of your investigator as best you can. If they're good they will give you references and you can talk to them. Price is going to depend on the standard of living for the country in question. I did it in Peru for about 1/10th the cost in the USA.

The more information you give them, the less time he has to spend watching. Like when your man goes to work or school, when they come home, where they hang out etc. My wife had a profile on myspace and didn't use it much, but I created a fake profile and sent her a message from a rich handsom young man. She said she was committed already and tried to set "him" up with her sister.

There are some basics here that should be followed. Do you have full access to his facebook or other social media sites. His email. Cell phone. My wife has had all my passwords and watched all of my correspondence in the beginning, and I encouraged that because I had nothing to hide. She was soooo certain her international playboy was going to cheat on her and it never happened. Then she decided it would be OK if I did it anyway - and it has still never happened. Just too lazy.

You have left me speechless : X

[destiny64 222]

I'm inclined to support the others, and just say if you don't trust him to the point of needing an investigator then you have your answer. So what if you don't have your proof? Cutting the relationship on your terms will go a long way in your ability to get over this bad experience!

Rubbing it in his face you want? If he's scamming then he really won't care what you find out about him because they just don't care if they hurt you or have a conscience if they are found out.

I would say you are a smart woman and coming to ask this question means you have plenty reasons to believe your intuition is correct , you don't need someone to verify it.

[Peter_Pan 661]

I would take a week off work, fly there and snoop on him myself. But then again, I am not a sanity paramount either. With so much at stake - not just your emotions, but the financial responsibility - why take so many risks? I don't care what most say, stereotypes are there for a reason, and the Jamaican are well known cheaters and scammers.

[reese1 68]

I would take a week off work, fly there and snoop on him myself. But then again, I am not a sanity paramount either. With so much at stake - not just your emotions, but the financial responsibility - why take so many risks? I don't care what most say, stereotypes are there for a reason, and the Jamaican are well known cheaters and scammers.

Ummmm...the OP said Caribbean island she did not specify that her man was from Jamaica. There are cheaters and scammers across the globe, yes some areas have more than others but one bad apple does not spoil the bunch. Other than that I agree with the first half of your post.

[davenjanet 22]

If he is cheating it will come out in the end. Do you know his family? If you are just someone he is cheating with or something like that, he would probably "hide" you, as in he would not let you be connected to his family/friends in any way. But if he has an open facebook page with all his family and friends, and it says "in a relationship" with you, that is probably a sign that he doesn't have much to hide.

Not necessarily. I was "in a relationship" on FB and had friended and been friended by friends and had even Skyped with a family member or two. Eventually found out that she'd maintained two separate FB profiles; one for each of us. And had put her friends up to lying to me, or at least hiding the truth. So someone determined to cheat can find a way.

OTOH, I am not advocating being non-trusting. Now I have someone I trust completely, though it took time to get to that point based on the previous relationship.

BTW, in my case, I too felt those hairs on the back of my neck and did not completley trust her. So to the OP - take your suspicions or women's intuition seriously - you may very well be right.

[LIFE'SJOURNEY 970]

I would take a week off work, fly there and snoop on him myself. But then again, I am not a sanity paramount either. With so much at stake - not just your emotions, but the financial responsibility - why take so many risks? I don't care what most say, stereotypes are there for a reason, and the Jamaican are well known cheaters and scammers.

First Bumberclout to you, second how did you arrive that this individual was Jamaican. If you don't want to trust an Jamaican than stay off of the island. Third there are as many cheater in every other culture as there is in Jamaica.

"Talk and taste your tongue" [Think before you speak].