Cheating - What would you do?

[rlogan 2,036]

I spent less than a hundred bucks on the one in Peru, about a decade ago. It was a couple of key hours a day for about a week.

I often told my current wife that I had private investigators watching her. She'd tell me she knew and was giving them such great sex that they weren't going to rat on her.

[Greg3070 19]

I'm not sure, that's why I want to know. But it's the usual suspicions anyone in an LDR has I suppose. Not calling when he says he will. I've had a random number call my phone and hang up a few times from his area code. I don't want to come across as stupid and uninformed which is why I have refrained from posting on here earlier. But I just want to know if anyone has paid money to have their partner trailed. I have no idea how much this should cost so I wanted to know if anyone's done it.

Do I sound like a lunatic?

No, not a lunatic, more like someone who is letting emotions cloud judgement. Of course there is no way to know his faithfulness without someone watching him, but there should be signs. Does he welcome surprise visits? Does he openly talk on the phone to you anytime, or does he only call or answer at specific times? I am a private investigator in California. To be honest, I wouldn't even know who to suggest you trust in any 3rd world countries. I will share this with you. In most any 3rd world nation, be very very cautions of who you trust. Their culture as well as their laws and their enforcement efforts leave clients vulnerable to many many scams. I was personally sent to Kiev to conduct an investigation for an American company because it was impossible to find someone either my client or I felt comfortable with in the area. I'm sure there are some honest ones there, but they are very few I would be comfortable with. The client and I both felt it was a savvy business move to invest a couple grand in my airfare and hotel room then to risk thousands and thousands of dollars on someone who may just take the money and vanish. Also in this case, comprehension of the English language was paramount as well and being an educated American, it was more efficient for me to create the report from scratch, rather than spend hours interpreting their writting into something we could use.

Conseqently, as experienced as I am with scams, I think I got scammed myself. While in Kiev, I hired and like a story, fell in love with my interpreter. She was a pretty little professional lady who told me she was divorcee and the rest was history. As soon as she got her greencard here, she vanished and refused any communcation with me. A few months later, after her room mates husband tried to rape her, she called me telling me she needs to come back now. I ended up in the hospital for a day and unable to return her call and now she refuses any communication with me again. I guess it will be interesting when she wants her conditions removed from her GC. What will she tell immgrationg when we have seperate addresses, seperate tax returns and I couldn't tell you what side of the bed she sleeps on since we havn't shared one since October of 2012.

My point is this, be careful, Ukraine is probably not as bad as jamaica or the DR or whatever other carribean nation you are refering too. My experience should have kept me from being used, but it didn't. I suspect you are not in the investigative business, otherwise you would not be talking about finding a PI on this site. We all lose some degree of judgement when our heart softens to someone. We live in a protected society and dont openly accept scamming as a way of life. Outside of America and our similar nations (UK, Germany etc), Life is not so protected and the thought of lying to get what you want is not as surprising as we think it is here. Americans are scammed quit often because we still think most people our honest, and in the US that is still true, but in a nation where basic essentials are in short supply, it's not the same.

If I can give you some more insight feel free to reply or email me. I am not sure how that works on here, but lets see.

[LostLover 0]

Thanks for the input so far everyone.

[LostLover 0]

To Greg3070: thanks for your answer. And sorry to hear about your wife. I've taken what you said into consideration and yes, I've thought not so much of the scamming part but the safety part. I don't think I would hire an investigator from his country because I know their code. They will protect each others interests so to speak because infidelity is a way of life there so paying someone to follow him and be honest about it would be like pissing money into the wind.

After listening to what you all are saying I have some things to think about. This is totally not in my nature to behave this way.

[Andrea&Henry 311]

I'm so so sorry you are caught in this situations...it's a such nightmare not been able to trust in the person you care the most. I remember when I was in my early 20's I was dating a guy who cheated on me. He never gave me any reason to think that but for some reason, maybe my 6th sense, I was completely sure. One day he left his hi5 profile opened (hi5 is like an old old version of Facebook), opened on my computer and I couldn't help myself and started reading his private messages..."Mr. Perfect boyfriend" ended up being a totally scam. I was heartbroken but the point is the I'd should listen my 6th sense more carefully instead of wasting my time with him.

My advice is that you should trust your boyfriend but if you don't, it's better to walk-out. You can't be with a person that you don't trust and I don't know if you are thinking about starting a immigration process on his behalf but you should be 100% before giving the 1st step.

I know that having a long distance relationship is hard and not being able to spend quality time with your loveone, makes everything harder. But you need to be sure who are u getting involve with. I read tons of post from people who comes to the US or bring their fiance/spouse to the US and their relationship/marriage turned out to be a nightmare. Abusives husbands, cheating wives etc etc etc, cause people even when they realize that it's something wrong with their "better half" they carry on hoping that people might change...when they never change.

So hiring a private investigator is not the best idea, you guys should work on your trust issues. Talk, be honest with him about your feelings. That's the main issue. Cause imagine if you guys get married and have kids, you cannot hire a private investigator everytime you have a doubt of his loyalty. That's not healthy.

If you still feel insecure, the better thing to do is walk away

Hope u the best

Edited February 22, 2013 by Andrea&Henry

[CajunKitty 8]

can you tell us a bit more? what specifically makes you think he's cheating?

Exactly what's on my mind.. The OP's suspiscion would not just come out of the blue.. There's more to this story..

[Boggy1974 124]

To Greg3070: thanks for your answer. And sorry to hear about your wife. I've taken what you said into consideration and yes, I've thought not so much of the scamming part but the safety part. I don't think I would hire an investigator from his country because I know their code. They will protect each others interests so to speak because infidelity is a way of life there so paying someone to follow him and be honest about it would be like pissing money into the wind.

After listening to what you all are saying I have some things to think about. This is totally not in my nature to behave this way.

Why are you even spending a time of day with this person if you think "infidelity is a way of life there"???

Just so you know, infidelity is very very very rampant right here in the USA!

[LostLover 0]

Why are you even spending a time of day with this person if you think "infidelity is a way of life there"???

Just so you know, infidelity is very very very rampant right here in the USA!

I don't think that, I know it. But to ask why I would give him the time of day would be like saying everyone is a cheater and why bother with anyone. I realize its rampant everywhere but one can't stop looking because of it.

Edited February 22, 2013 by LostLover

[rlogan 2,036]

To Greg3070: thanks for your answer. And sorry to hear about your wife. I've taken what you said into consideration and yes, I've thought not so much of the scamming part but the safety part. I don't think I would hire an investigator from his country because I know their code. They will protect each others interests so to speak because infidelity is a way of life there so paying someone to follow him and be honest about it would be like pissing money into the wind.

After listening to what you all are saying I have some things to think about. This is totally not in my nature to behave this way.

That's why you check references, regardless of what country you are dealing with. Americans hiring investigators to check on wayward immigration beneficiaries is very common.

I remember now too that I hired one in Thailand, not to spy but to perform a service for me that did require considerable trust. I spoke with two americans who had hired him first.

[Boggy1974 124]

No, not a lunatic, more like someone who is letting emotions cloud judgement. Of course there is no way to know his faithfulness without someone watching him, but there should be signs. Does he welcome surprise visits? Does he openly talk on the phone to you anytime, or does he only call or answer at specific times? I am a private investigator in California. To be honest, I wouldn't even know who to suggest you trust in any 3rd world countries. I will share this with you. In most any 3rd world nation, be very very cautions of who you trust. Their culture as well as their laws and their enforcement efforts leave clients vulnerable to many many scams. I was personally sent to Kiev to conduct an investigation for an American company because it was impossible to find someone either my client or I felt comfortable with in the area. I'm sure there are some honest ones there, but they are very few I would be comfortable with. The client and I both felt it was a savvy business move to invest a couple grand in my airfare and hotel room then to risk thousands and thousands of dollars on someone who may just take the money and vanish. Also in this case, comprehension of the English language was paramount as well and being an educated American, it was more efficient for me to create the report from scratch, rather than spend hours interpreting their writting into something we could use.

Conseqently, as experienced as I am with scams, I think I got scammed myself. While in Kiev, I hired and like a story, fell in love with my interpreter. She was a pretty little professional lady who told me she was divorcee and the rest was history. As soon as she got her greencard here, she vanished and refused any communcation with me. A few months later, after her room mates husband tried to rape her, she called me telling me she needs to come back now. I ended up in the hospital for a day and unable to return her call and now she refuses any communication with me again. I guess it will be interesting when she wants her conditions removed from her GC. What will she tell immgrationg when we have seperate addresses, seperate tax returns and I couldn't tell you what side of the bed she sleeps on since we havn't shared one since October of 2012.

My point is this, be careful, Ukraine is probably not as bad as jamaica or the DR or whatever other carribean nation you are refering too. My experience should have kept me from being used, but it didn't. I suspect you are not in the investigative business, otherwise you would not be talking about finding a PI on this site. We all lose some degree of judgement when our heart softens to someone. We live in a protected society and dont openly accept scamming as a way of life. Outside of America and our similar nations (UK, Germany etc), Life is not so protected and the thought of lying to get what you want is not as surprising as we think it is here. Americans are scammed quit often because we still think most people our honest, and in the US that is still true, but in a nation where basic essentials are in short supply, it's not the same.

If I can give you some more insight feel free to reply or email me. I am not sure how that works on here, but lets see.

Unbelievable...how does anyone overlook such wicked generalizations? Guess in our Western world most people are angels - most people are saints here. Smh.

Edited February 22, 2013 by Boggy1974

[Boggy1974 124]

I don't think that, I know it.

So if you "know it", why not end the relationship and save yourself some money and heartache as someone posted earlier?

Edited February 22, 2013 by Boggy1974

[candy35 4]

your a lady and u no that if u feel something then thats proble whats going on ... just keep a look out and step back a little and what done in the dark will come out in the light .. people will show their true colors keep ur eyes open

[Jahwaree 83]

OP ... woman's intution, If its from the country am thinking of it maybe wasted funds

I will tell you as I would my sister, if you feel that way and theres no trust Y bother?

out of sight out of mind, how much quality have you spent with the person, many relationships

are fuelled by the hopes of immigrants benefit, some work because they did have genuine care

and did not cheat, there are in fact LDR that there is no cheating and if you have to pay to

get a person followed the relationship is a sham, however I am not against you doing a background

check, for criminality, past marriages and kids info(which that should been in initial stage) I

think you already know the answers...the woman always knows but in denial...best wishes

[kdude1 3]

Let's face it, emotions are volatile and very often they are just totally wrong. Long distance relationships breed fear and distrust.. It's just natural... But if you love him you need to trust him unless he gives you a reason not too.. Then you should just openly ask him what's going on. I wouldn't hire the PI... I think it's a mistake.. even if he isn't cheated you might feel bad that you didn't trust him.

If he is cheating it will come out in the end. Do you know his family? If you are just someone he is cheating with or something like that, he would probably "hide" you, as in he would not let you be connected to his family/friends in any way. But if he has an open facebook page with all his family and friends, and it says "in a relationship" with you, that is probably a sign that he doesn't have much to hide. Either way, if you love him you should just continue the relationship in trust. Many times people get suspicious, and their partner was not cheating, and they end up ruining what would have been a happy relationship. If you actually have signs though that something is really wrong, of course you should ask him straight out, or just explain that it won't work because of trust issues and actually move on.

"(Love) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. " - 1 Corinthians 13:7

Edited February 22, 2013 by kdude1

[LostLover 0]

Thanks Kdude. That was a real good answer.

Just to let you all know, I'm not really in denial about it nor have I lost my self esteem. I'm bigger than that. Maybe I just want to know for sure so I can throw it in his face if I have to walk away :lol: I just want him to feel stupid that he was caught if in fact this is what's going on lol.

Edited February 22, 2013 by LostLover