Cheating - What would you do?

[EAS 45]

Yes I would require proof. That's what I'd be paying for.

I guess I want to know what it would be worth to the average person to know this information.

Thanks for your reply UK, it makes a lot of sense.

What would be proof of finding nothing?

What if investigator contacted the person on which they were spying and collected another payment from that person so that the investigator would 'find nothing'?

I have never thought of spying on my intended. If I didn't trust her implicitly then she would not be my intended. So, I can't help with your spying request but I do recommend that you move along if you are not secure in your relationship. It's better for you IF they are a scammer or it's better for them if they are not a scammer.

Edited February 22, 2013 by EAS

[Mufmer 24]

I've been reading these forums for a few months now and I feel like I already know some of you. This is a lame first post but I had to join today to ask a question. I need some input.

I'm in long distance relationship with a man from the Caribbean (I don't want to specify which country). I'm pretty sure he's cheating on me. This might make me sound like a loser but I'm thinking of hiring a private investigator to confirm or deny my suspicions.

Has anyone ever done this before? How much would you pay for this type of thing? I'm at a financial loss already if he's cheating on me but it would be worth a little extra dough to know for sure. :(

see first of all sorry to hear all this, second is if u have any doubt on some one then why u r wasting ur time, 3rd if u want test him talk him more, n u will see the result..........cheater never be hide........best of luck with ur life.

[Darnell 8,478]

OP - why not just trust yer gut, and walk away?

[CM&MI 8]

Hello,

Well if you think like that... your on a boat that's gettin' to sink/drown. Anyways, I and my fiance sometimes makes a jokes... Sometimes i told him... Why don't you put a nano technology on my wrist so that you can monitor me 24/7? Both of us just laughing! Well, long distance is not easy but without trust... there the relationships is on trouble! It needs open communications and completely trust! Well, just best wishes to you.

[biaobiao 40]

do not hire an investigator. just live your life. be happy. if he is there, he is there.

love yourself. dont spend too much with LDR or worrying if he is cheating or not. if he loves you, he will make a way and not ignore you. if he calls, he calls.

[merc0230 28]

Hmmm, maybe I'm the oddball here, but I would hire the PI

As a man that has been cheated on in the past I can tell you that your gut or rather your intuition is usually right.

However, that being said, leaving him based off of a feeling might not be the right thing to do. Obviously, if you are here it is because you are considering building a life with him, if you could just "walk away" then there isn't much to your relationship to begin with and I doubt that is the case.

As far the invasion of privacy concerns, I would think most anyone would be able to emphasize with your feelings and understand that you had to do something to ease the concern in your mind. I wouldn't feel violated as I'm not doing anything wrong.

Regardless of what you decide, Good Luck!

[UK_Fan 192]

Save you the money and go with your gut

[bigdog 376]

Honestly, if I had enough doubts to consider hiring an investigator, I would just end things. Here's why: If I ever found out my husband had me followed while we were dating, I wouldn't be worried because I had nothing to be worried about, but I would feel extremely violated and untrusted. I would wonder why my word wasn't good enough. Why he didn't need to prove to ME that he wasn't cheating so why did he have to hire someone? That's a big step to take. I understand though how you won't want to end things without know "for sure" whether he is or whether you're being suspicious.

What does he say when you ask him about it? I know sometimes I would be late to call my husband (then fiance) because I got caught up at work, or my phone had died so the alarm didn't go off, or I was already on the phone, internet was out.. etc etc.

If you're committed to hiring one though, how much I would pay, as others said, depends on where he's from. It also depends on what service you need. As in, do you want him followed all day for a week? Just specific days? You would think you'd only want him followed after work, but maybe he's doing something with someone FROM work so you'd want maybe one entire day (but what if it's the wrong day and turns out its the next day?).

Also, what if they don't find anything and the behaviour continues? Are you going to assume that something IS going on but must have been when the investigator didn't follow him? Are you going to hire the investigator again? Are you going to blindly assume whatever he didn't find means you're not being cheated on?

LDR's are hard, and this process is long and hard. If you don't think you can do it, then don't. It doesn't make you less of a person. It's not easy. Trust is integral to a relationship. If he isn't making you feel secure and loved, he might not be cheating, he just might not be the right guy.

[EAS 45]

{cut}

As far the invasion of privacy concerns, I would think most anyone would be able to emphasize with your feelings and understand that you had to do something to ease the concern in your mind. I wouldn't feel violated as I'm not doing anything wrong.

{cut}

If you do decide to hire an investigator I hope you will tell the person to be spied upon the results either positive [that is: no evidence of cheating was found] or negative [that is: they got caught cheating]. That way the person knows either:

• They got caught out and that is the reason for you leaving them. OR
• You spied upon them and that person has a chance to make a decision upon the fact that you spied upon them and found nothing.

I am in the opposite camp on this matter from the poster I quoted. If I was the one upon whom you spied and I knew about it before I immigrated/married you; I would terminate any relationship we had. It is my opinion that having someone spy on me is a complete lack of faith and trust in me. I have zero desire to be in a life long relationship with someone that has neither faith or trust in me. And really all you have proven by spying on me is your true nature and potentially the fact that I was not cheating at the time of the spying. Which does not preclude me from cheating/having cheated at other times.

If I didn't find out about it until after the marriage it would be a much more difficult situation because by that time I would have changed my whole life you, but I am still inclined to think that I would want to terminate the relationship.

[Enigma11561 336]

Direct question to you. what do you mean by "relationship"?

If he has said that he loves you, you are the only woman in the world for him, and he cannot wait to be with you and waits for the day when you are married and have a family, that is one kind of relationship. We are talking ready to file visa paperwork here.

On the other hand, if this relationship is we talk all the time, met once or twice, really like each other and seeing if we can take it to the next (I love you) stage then that is different again.

If it is the second, then I suggest you have no right to put demands on him to be faithful only to you. Why? He is still "free" to date whom he wants and hence no cheating. You are not yet a "couple". You live here, he lives there, and you both have lives to live. There is no solid commitment.

But if it the first type of relationship, then you need to trust your gut. confront him. see how he responds. You cannot depend on what a third party tells you. You are in a bit of a paranoid stage now and it's possible that this could continue through marriage. Do you want to live this way? Trust is very hard to develop sometimes. It must be earned. He has not yet earned your trust. And finally,, what does he need to do to earn that trust. think about that. What will satisfy you?

[madtownguy 164]

I'm sorry but that seems crazy to me. Maybe you should spend the money to help you overcome your insecurities. I'm not trying to be mean, but every relationship is going to run the risk of the other person cheating on you. So I think it would be better for you to come to terms with that and live your life the way you see fit. I really don't think a visa for someone who you even remotely think is cheating on you is a good idea. Fighting is normal, but trust is pretty important and it doesn't sound like you have that right now.

I had a friend of mine who got the same idea as you, he asked me to spy on his fiance here in the US because of a list of things. Now I liked the deal because I would be a spy and that's cool as hell, but from the list of things he told me she was already gone. The relationship had ended and he didn't come to terms with it. Your case may be different but I am pretty snoopy and I have never thought about doing what you are talking about. Whatever you decide to do it is your choice to be happy so at the end of the day it shouldn't matter either way. Good luck.

[erynaught 43]

If you have lingering suspicions then you should move one.

If you insist though, a surprise trip would probably be cheaper and yield the same result(s).

Continued suspicious behavior in someone I was dating would be a red flag and I'd confront and move on. Life is too short to deal with that #######.

I did hire a PI when I was going through my divorce. An excellent PI isn't going to come cheap. I spent about $15k on surveillance and subpeonas, but I reason that it saved me over $500k in alimony and child support. If the potential loss wasn't so high, I would have rolled the dice without the PI.

I wouldn't bother with someone I was dating. But it's your money. Do what brings you peace of mind.

[Donna & Paul 4]

The fact that you "maybe just want to be able to throw it in his face if you have to walk away" says to me you think you will be walking away. In which case cut your losses and be done with it. Either the relationship is working or it isn't. If it isn't decide whether it's a relationship worth working on the parts that aren't working openly and honestly. If he isn't working from that framework on his end walk away. You don't need a reason any more valid than it just isn't working for you. Why do you need for him to be cheating on you for you to end a relationship that isn't working? Why would you throw your money away searching for validation of that fact?

[LSnBigBear 61]

I've done it, and it can be well worth the money regardless of the outcome. I've had to hire them for other reasons too, business related, and there is high variance in quality. So check out the background of your investigator as best you can. If they're good they will give you references and you can talk to them. Price is going to depend on the standard of living for the country in question. I did it in Peru for about 1/10th the cost in the USA.

The more information you give them, the less time he has to spend watching. Like when your man goes to work or school, when they come home, where they hang out etc. My wife had a profile on myspace and didn't use it much, but I created a fake profile and sent her a message from a rich handsom young man. She said she was committed already and tried to set "him" up with her sister.

There are some basics here that should be followed. Do you have full access to his facebook or other social media sites. His email. Cell phone. My wife has had all my passwords and watched all of my correspondence in the beginning, and I encouraged that because I had nothing to hide. She was soooo certain her international playboy was going to cheat on her and it never happened. Then she decided it would be OK if I did it anyway - and it has still never happened. Just too lazy.

Great advice

[Alfia & John 10]

The fact that you "maybe just want to be able to throw it in his face if you have to walk away" says to me you think you will be walking away. You don't need a reason any more valid than it just isn't working for you. Why do you need for him to be cheating on you for you to end a relationship that isn't working? Why would you throw your money away searching for validation of that fact?

I agree with this, there is no need to throw it in his face. I have been completely open with my girl, gave her my passwords and all the sites I visit. I doubt she has checked them but maybe she monitors them everyday. I do not really care because I have nothing to hide. Either you trust them and you proceed or you don't trust them and you break it off. I would not need proof, without trust I can not love someone. If you are not the most important person in his life (other than immediate family), then you should not proceed. He needs to keep his commitments unless there is good reason otherwise.

If I tell someone I will do something at a certain time, I move heaven and earth to keep my word. Imagine how much more I care for those that I love.