Anyone else feel this way?

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Clearly I'm a bit late to the party, but I was looking around for a thread like this one. I just had my three year anniversary of living in the US, and I will be applying for citizenship in October. I used to be extremely homesick for New Zealand before I went there for a visit, and it was definitely a wake-up call. Nothing and nobody had really changed, but it was pretty apparent that I had, I even had my mum tell me that America has "hardened me", whatever that means.

<snip> We have a mortgage now and I've made some amazing friends through local theater and karaoke, but there is still that feeling that I don't really belong here, because I just can't seem to grasp the American mentality of making a big deal of everything, living to work instead of working to live, and the weird concept of everything needing to be better than it already is (how will they ever be happy?!).

Totally agree with the above, except mum didn't tell me so much as when she visited she got upset once or twice with my manner of speech. Then back in Aus when I had to go home for Dad's funeral, I noticed how much different my pattern of speech was (accent still strong but some American inflections apparently ). A lot more "curt", so I had to make a conscious effort to stop being so rude (when in actuality I was just being "to the point" and "efficient" with no small talk).

Same with the last part too. There are time when I know for sure I don't "belong" here. The rudeness, even though apparently now I'm just a "rude American" as well, still gets to me. The lack of common courtesy. But what's funny is it's not usually intentional, they just don't know that specific behaviours that are common here, are rude to me... so that's my "fault" really... and probably why I changed a bit too, because I'm adopting the "rude" behaviours that are rude back home in order to survive.

One thing I had to teach mum was not to be overly friendly. To be friendly and if someone wanted to chat, they'd indicate that by asking questions, if they didn't, she'd notice they basically just went through the motions (this was mostly with store staff). She didn't like it at first, but she was fine by the end and I think came to understand a bit why I "changed".

[kiwibelcanto 3]

Same with the last part too. There are time when I know for sure I don't "belong" here. The rudeness, even though apparently now I'm just a "rude American" as well, still gets to me. The lack of common courtesy. But what's funny is it's not usually intentional, they just don't know that specific behaviours that are common here, are rude to me... so that's my "fault" really... and probably why I changed a bit too, because I'm adopting the "rude" behaviours that are rude back home in order to survive.

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. It was quite stressful when I went back home because I brought four Americans with me, and so while I was trying to show them a good old Kiwi time and trying to catch up with and introduce them to every single friend/family member I had, I was also seeing NZ through American eyes for the first time, and the whole thing was quite overwhelming. I do feel like they think I've changed (Mum was the only one brash enough to say it), but here in the US I'm still as Kiwi as you can get! I think friends and family back home would accept my Americanized ways if they came to visit me, but I live quite out of the way and if it's not LA or NY, they're not terribly interested, which is a bit hurtful, just quietly.

I agree with you on what we consider "rudeness", have you noticed that people reply "mhmm" when you thank them? It really irks me, but I find myself doing it as well and it drives me nuts. Same with coworkers walking past my reception desk in the morning without so much as a glance, let alone a "good morning". I've definitely gotten used to it, but occasionally it will get to me a little more than usual. I feel like Americans are for the most part very shy and reserved, so a talkative, outgoing and approachable Kiwi/Aussie is a bit much for them. I've had women dislike me because they thought I was being attention-seeking. So I've had to tone down that part of my personality until I'm really good friends with someone.

[NinaD 6]

Yeah, I'm with you. I think so many people are like "oh Canada and the US are exactly the same" you'll have no trouble fitting in. But in reality Canada and the US are not at all the same. Sure, a lot of our culture is close, but there are so many unique things about Canada that I miss. I like the US, but would have been just as happy to have my husband move to Canada!

[rjm_cmyk 75]

It's an interesting thread and I suspect the nuances of culture have more of an impact when we speak the "same" language. I've been travelling to the US for nearly 20 years now and spent much of my previous corporate life working with European colleagues including a Belgian boss. It always struck me that the Brits had much more in common in a work environment with the EU guys than the US people. Which in the days of UKIP might surprise many land locked Brits.

The use of a common language with the US suggests that we have more in common than we actually do. My partner (now a USC) is a Brit and she has always said that when she first came to the US in the 90's she was struck by how different *everything* was to the the UK and mainland Europe. I have visited a lot and because of my extensive travelling am used to being in new places but I still expect to get a bit homesick and expect a period of adjustment even though I will be living somewhere I know *very* well.

I also know most Americans think I'm Australian rather than a Brit and yes I do speak slower when I'm there :-) I can only imagine how slow you will have to talk if you have a Glasgow accent. It took me a few years of visits to undertand it myself !

For my part having asked a bloke, sorry guy, in ACE Hardware once if I could have a "butchers at some spanners" I know the problems with language :-) The look of incomprehension on his face as I realised I wasn't in B&Q anymore was priceless.

[dmd01708 3]

I feel the same way Im neither here nor there Although the USA feels more like home than the UK does now. Ive been here 7 years now and have my citizenship appointment in 2 weeks time. Everyone here loves the way I speak but my friends and family take the piss out of me all the time telling me I sound not like an american not like Im english but like a very well spoken Australian. The way I see it is Ive the best of both worlds some times I feel very much english (like the wedding of william and kate or when the olympics were on) but then sometimes I feel like a right New Yorker. I guess we all just have to find our place over here and know we will always be a little odd

[rjm_cmyk 75]

I guess we all just have to find our place over here and know we will always be a little odd

Well - when you think about it as a population demographic we are relatively unusual. We're preparated to move thousands of miles to start a new life in a new country away from family, friends and culture we've grown up with. Most people don't do that unless they are forced to by poverty or conflict. Someone asked me recently if I found it stressful selling house, business , moving to the other side of the world and getting married. All in one go....

[DFrancis 0]

This topic and all the comments and perspectives are very interesting to read.
I am the journey to immigrating to the USA within the year and I am battling all the same and some additional issues.
I can totally feel with the individuals that feel at home and an alien all at the same time. Personally, I went to college and spent about 7 years in the USA, specifically in the NY/NJ area before I moved back home to the islands and feel like I grew into adulthood there, so I find that I am very comfortable in the hustle and bustle of it all. But, I also find that when I am there, I miss the pleasantries, politeness and mannerisms of my own island people. I established some lifelong friends in the USA that I still continue to put major efforts into maintaining, so that may be my 1-up.
My wife's family welcomes me with open arms and they are some of the most generous and understanding human beings that I have ever met, but I often wonder if I will become homesick and desire the laid back island lifestyle and feel stuck in the northeast.
My thought is that I will always have and carry home in my heart and I just have to make the best of any situations that may come.

Lastly, I think that emotionally we sometimes just want something that is so foundation to our being that it brings comfort and that is often what we find missing or removed. Whether it's food, movies, smells, weather, language, family or friendships it's all the same...we just want affirmation and familiarity.

[rjm_cmyk 75]

Well I've lived in the London area for the past 30 years but still feel home is the northwest of England where I was brought up and didn't leave until I went to college at 18. So I guess some things just stick with you wherever you end up. I know I will settle in OK in the US but home will always be Europe but I won't be spending every day dwelling on it. Not living in California while all my European friends get wet and cold

[JensJrny2Ray 367]

Yeah, I'm with you. I think so many people are like "oh Canada and the US are exactly the same" you'll have no trouble fitting in. But in reality Canada and the US are not at all the same. Sure, a lot of our culture is close, but there are so many unique things about Canada that I miss. I like the US, but would have been just as happy to have my husband move to Canada!

While I've only been here a month, I still feel like a foreigner. Not to mention, living in husband's grandmother's basement right now doesn't help. I'm surrounded by highways everywhere, and it takes so long to get anywhere. I know this is regional, but it just makes me miss home so much. I miss my little apartment and I miss only taking 5 minutes to get to my favourite shops. I miss the cheap rents too. The dialects or accents are so different here as well. I miss being able to find everything I need in one single store, instead of having to shop around. I'm particularly homesick today, so I miss just about everything!

[rjm_cmyk 75]

Unfortunately most people go through a period of beng homesick for all sorts of reasons. I expect to do so and I've been visiting where I'm moving since 1996.... Difference this time will be that there is no return date, no return ticket and I won't be on holiday. Talk to anyone that's gone expat or moved permanently and they all say the same thing. You'll get homesick and then you'll adjust , you'll work out why you made the move and you'll welcome the new.

I have friends who have been here (East and West coast) who still *miss* the UK but are very happy where they are.

[AnotherLostSoul 167]

You guys brought up an important topic. Although I just got my GC through marriage, I've been living in the US since age 5, so even though I am not American politically, I grew up here, and no nothing of my home country where I lived in the first 5 years of my life. So I have no second feelings like most of you, feeling that I'm not American, and feeling homesick. Everybody is surprised when I tell them I'm not American as I have no accent whatsoever, and don't even speak my native language anymore. But, when I was a kid our parents always, I mean ALWAYS talked about our home country. They always told us, that you never can fit in to a new country when you move when you're old(er). They sad you never can replace your heart, and in order to be able to immigrate to a new country, you would have to replace your heart. You cannot do that. They moved over for us to have better opportunities. But in their heart, they always loved and respected their country even though it is not even a developed country!!! Reading you guys post here on this reminds me of this. You guys cannot replace your heart. You never can be fully part of this country. You can love it, see the difference between the one you came from and this one, but you'll never fully fit in. The older you are when you move to another country, to less you can fit in. It's a fact, and it is true. I've seen it through my parents, who never really felt to fit in here even though they were only like 25 when they moved. Yeah, my parents were 20 years when I was born. LOL And my parents' biggest concern was that they will alienate us from our relatives, and from loving our home country. And unfortunately, they were right. We do not speak the language anymore, while the relatives don't speak English, hence we don't even know about them. And do I love my home country?I don't want to say "no" as that sounds really odd, but I honestly don't have feelings for it. And am I sad about these things? A little bit. My parents would be 45 this year but already passed away, and I am quiet isolated when it comes to family members. But, I also feel lucky, I grew up here, I fit in here, and have all my friends here. And I know I would not be frowned upon if I acquired US citizenship as I have nothing "foreign" in me (sorry about this statement- not trying to be insultive here, okay?!!!), but at the same time, I feel like, I've got that little corner in my heart that knows and loves my parents still so much even after them being passed away for so long, that I feel I need to respect them and embrace their love and keep the citizenship I've got by them. I guess, even I cannot replace my heart, eh?

[rjm_cmyk 75]

You paint a bleak picture. I expect to "fit in" just fine. I won't be American. I will be always be British (and a foreigner) and be proud of that (mostly). I'm not looking to hide my Britishness in the US. I expect a period of adjustment. I expect many things to be different, some totally but in the end I expect to enjoy making a new life in the US and I'll be 56 by the time I come over.

Not all people have had the benefit I have of being so often to the US and other countries other the US. Financially and practically I know if I need to get back to the UK either for a visit or to return I know I can do that . I understand how not having that option may affect other people and their view of a life in the US. And coming from a country which has had such a long and diverse history of inward migration it's not an alien concept if you'll forgive the pun :-)

But fit in - yep I'll do that.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

You paint a bleak picture. I expect to "fit in" just fine. I won't be American. I will be always be British (and a foreigner) and be proud of that (mostly). I'm not looking to hide my Britishness in the US. I expect a period of adjustment. I expect many things to be different, some totally but in the end I expect to enjoy making a new life in the US and I'll be 56 by the time I come over.

Not all people have had the benefit I have of being so often to the US and other countries other the US. Financially and practically I know if I need to get back to the UK either for a visit or to return I know I can do that . I understand how not having that option may affect other people and their view of a life in the US. And coming from a country which has had such a long and diverse history of inward migration it's not an alien concept if you'll forgive the pun :-)

But fit in - yep I'll do that.

I think the term "fit in" is a bit of a misnomer. You might have no problem finding friends, finding work, finding your niche here, but you won't ever just be another American, even if/when you naturalise, you will always be British. You weren't born here, you will still be considered by many to be British and only British. If you disagree with an American position on something, often you will find people say it's because you're British, not because you are allowed to have a differing opinion. Similarly in the UK if you disagree with a UK position, or take an American position you will be considered to be American or to be thinking "like an American".

You will never truly "fit in" because you sound different, you grew up different, you know different words/spelling. You will never blend with the crowd. People will rarely say to you "wow I had no idea you weren't American!"

I am British (Scottish specifically) from birth, but I grew up in Australia so I sound, and consider myself to be, Australian (instead of dual). People do not consider me British, to them, I am Australian and only Australian. I am often asked where my accent is from. If I say words wrong sometimes it's HILARIOUS, sometimes people are mean and sometimes people ignore it.

On a personal note, I had a conversation with an Aussie girl I know in regards to American politics. She had rather strong opinions on the topic we were discussing, as did I seeing, well, I live here! After giving her my opinion she said "oh wow. I had no idea you were so... American!"... said in a way I found offensive and told her so. Like it's a dirty word (which to be honest to many Australian's it is). She told me that no matter how long I live here in the US she will always consider me to be Australian and was surprised that I had an "American opinion" on this topic.

Doesn't matter how long you live here you will never truly be American or considered by many to be American and in that sense you will not "fit in"... or rather, blend in. You may become Americanised, you may have American opinions, American kids, an American job, an American life... but you will, in most cases, always be considered to be, just an immigrant.

[AnotherLostSoul 167]

I think the term "fit in" is a bit of a misnomer. You might have no problem finding friends, finding work, finding your niche here, but you won't ever just be another American, even if/when you naturalise, you will always be British. You weren't born here, you will still be considered by many to be British and only British. If you disagree with an American position on something, often you will find people say it's because you're British, not because you are allowed to have a differing opinion. Similarly in the UK if you disagree with a UK position, or take an American position you will be considered to be American or to be thinking "like an American".

You will never truly "fit in" because you sound different, you grew up different, you know different words/spelling. You will never blend with the crowd. People will rarely say to you "wow I had no idea you weren't American!"

I am British (Scottish specifically) from birth, but I grew up in Australia so I sound, and consider myself to be, Australian (instead of dual). People do not consider me British, to them, I am Australian and only Australian. I am often asked where my accent is from. If I say words wrong sometimes it's HILARIOUS, sometimes people are mean and sometimes people ignore it.

On a personal note, I had a conversation with an Aussie girl I know in regards to American politics. She had rather strong opinions on the topic we were discussing, as did I seeing, well, I live here! After giving her my opinion she said "oh wow. I had no idea you were so... American!"... said in a way I found offensive and told her so. Like it's a dirty word (which to be honest to many Australian's it is). She told me that no matter how long I live here in the US she will always consider me to be Australian and was surprised that I had an "American opinion" on this topic.

Doesn't matter how long you live here you will never truly be American or considered by many to be American and in that sense you will not "fit in"... or rather, blend in. You may become Americanised, you may have American opinions, American kids, an American job, an American life... but you will, in most cases, always be considered to be, just an immigrant.

Hey Vanessa:

That is what I meant by "fit in" and I did not intend to insult anyone. That was exactly my point too what you are writing...I guess I did not formulate it well. But that is exaxctly what I had in mind when mentioning "fitting in".

[Mr. Borkström 63]

I am Swedish. I think I will always be Swedish first, at heart, so to speak, even if I live in America the rest of my life. I hope I won't start speaking Swedish with an American accent though. lol

My family and friends miss me, but they seem to think it's cool that I'm living here now, and they are glad for me that I have found someone I love. So I'm lucky in that department.

Something I like about America is that everyone is originally from somewhere else, even if it is sometimes generations back. My wife's family is of mostly German descent. When I tell people that I recently moved here from Sweden, well, I haven't had a single person yet NOT tell me that's cool.