Is your SO different now that you are together?

[rebeccajo 14]

Furthermore, Becs made a comment that being part of this community means we should always support each other. Well I disagree. I don't feel I have to offer the same blanket support to everyone on here just cos I'm a member. I'm not a support machine....sign up on VJ, and you get the 'CONGRATULATIONS!' posts from me automatically. Then that devalues the times I actually congratulate someone.....cos when I do it, it's from the heart & cos I want to, not because it's in the T&Cs.

Fair enough.

To me support means just hang together as a community. It doesn't mean the 'roses and flowers' club.

[tmma 467]

........ But to say NO I knew who he was so there were no surprises makes it sound like those who did imagine did not know their spouse. Which is not the case in most cases.

That's the thing...... When you say " makes it sound like", it is YOU interpreting her actual words with your own impression of what she said instead of just reading and accepting her basic statement ...then you chose to take some sort of "offense" over YOUR interpretation on what she said ( which was about HER relationship- not YOURS)...and that reaction puzzles me alittle.

In actuality Lisa said [ in response to the question " Is your SO different now that you are together?"; that basically they waited so long [because FOR THEM that was right] that in reality he was no different than expected; that for her there are no big differences.

She ( and Caroline) were not making a damning indictments on other people's relationships simply by stating THEIR situation and thoughts on what was right FOR THEM.

None of your " sounds like " and "makes it seem" interpretations are needed;I think she was pretty clear.

I have to say; also, that thread in the MENA forum was the first thing that came to my mind too! You can't expect everyone to agree and think the same. It's also unrealistic to expect everyone to handle their relationships in the same way-having a different preference implies NOTHING other than their way of doing things is right FOR THEM. Why it all has to be internalized to personally relate to others is beyond me.

External validation? I don't know.

Edited November 13, 2006 by tmma

[Cristy 4]

........ But to say NO I knew who he was so there were no surprises makes it sound like those who did imagine did not know their spouse. Which is not the case in most cases.

That's the thing...... When you say " makes it sound like", it is YOU interpreting her actual words with your own impression of what she said instead of just reading and accepting her basic statement ...then you chose to take some sort of "offense" over YOUR interpretation on what she said ( which was about HER relationship- not YOURS)...and that reaction puzzles me alittle.

In actuality Lisa said [ in response to the question " Is your SO different now that you are together?"; that basically they waited so long [because FOR THEM that was right] that in reality he was no different than expected; that for her there are no big differences.

She ( and Caroline) were not making a damning indictments on other people's relationships simply by stating THEIR situation and thoughts on what was right FOR THEM.

None of your " sounds like " and "makes it seem" interpretations are needed;I think she was pretty clear.

I have to say; also, that thread in the MENA forum was the first thing that came to my mind too! You can't expect everyone to agree and think the same. It's also unrealistic to expect everyone to handle their relationships in the same way-having a different preference implies NOTHING other than their way of doing things is right FOR THEM. Why it all has to be internalized to personally relate to others is beyond me.

External validation? I don't know.

rock on

[tmma 467]

rock on

[CarolineM 0]

That's the thing...... When you say " makes it sound like", it is YOU interpreting her actual words with your own impression of what she said instead of just reading and accepting her basic statement ...then you chose to take some sort of "offense" over YOUR interpretation on what she said ( which was about HER relationship- not YOURS)...and that reaction puzzles me alittle.

In actuality Lisa said [ in response to the question " Is your SO different now that you are together?"; that basically they waited so long [because FOR THEM that was right] that in reality he was no different than expected; that for her there are no big differences.

She ( and Caroline) were not making a damning indictments on other people's relationships simply by stating THEIR situation and thoughts on what was right FOR THEM.

None of your " sounds like " and "makes it seem" interpretations are needed;I think she was pretty clear.

I have to say; also, that thread in the MENA forum was the first thing that came to my mind too! You can't expect everyone to agree and think the same. It's also unrealistic to expect everyone to handle their relationships in the same way-having a different preference implies NOTHING other than their way of doing things is right FOR THEM. Why it all has to be internalized to personally relate to others is beyond me.

External validation? I don't know.

Thanks for that

[Fandango 1,440]

That's the thing...... When you say " makes it sound like", it is YOU interpreting her actual words with your own impression of what she said instead of just reading and accepting her basic statement ...then you chose to take some sort of "offense" over YOUR interpretation on what she said ( which was about HER relationship- not YOURS)...and that reaction puzzles me alittle.

In actuality Lisa said [ in response to the question " Is your SO different now that you are together?"; that basically they waited so long [because FOR THEM that was right] that in reality he was no different than expected; that for her there are no big differences.

She ( and Caroline) were not making a damning indictments on other people's relationships simply by stating THEIR situation and thoughts on what was right FOR THEM.

None of your " sounds like " and "makes it seem" interpretations are needed;I think she was pretty clear.

I have to say; also, that thread in the MENA forum was the first thing that came to my mind too! You can't expect everyone to agree and think the same. It's also unrealistic to expect everyone to handle their relationships in the same way-having a different preference implies NOTHING other than their way of doing things is right FOR THEM. Why it all has to be internalized to personally relate to others is beyond me.

External validation? I don't know.

Thanks for that

ME THREE!

[CarolineM 0]

OMG i just realized ive been on VJ over a year.

wow.

It was this time last year that we decided to get married! Hmmm!!! How time flies!

[rebeccajo 14]

.........How time flies!

.....when you're having fun??!!! That's the way it's supposed to be!!!

[Marilyn. 340]

my hubby said I was more agreeable when we were in a LDR... now I voice my opinions more

he is still the same guy but it is different now because I can see his face when he says something and know if he is being serious or not...

[chri'stina 190]

For crying out loud.

Do we have to keep having these continued debates here about 'knowing' your partner? I for one am getting good and tired of it.

The last time I checked, there wasn't any guidebook, manual, policy, edict, proclamation or commandment about how much time two people have to spend in courtship to make a relationship work.

If someone in this community is belittling or making someone feel small for spending a 'long time' in a relationship before commiting and filing - then shame on them.

If someone in this community is belittling or making someone feel small for having a shorter courship - shame on them as well.

If somebody is going to wear blinders about their partner, it isn't going to mean dee-diddly squat how much time they spend prior to commiting. And if somebody is going to perpetrate a fraud, they are going to be able to keep it up for as long as it takes to accomplish the goal - oceans apart or at arms length. Even USCIS recognizes that in their profiling of fraudsters.

And...as far as 'knowing' your partner goes....guess what folks. As people get older they change. Life happens and their perspectives evolve. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. I don't care how long you know your partner prior to marriage. Get ready for the grim reality that THE PERSON YOU MARRY WILL BE DIFFERENT 20 YEARS FROM NOW THAN THEY ARE TODAY.

And so will you.

I agree. And this isn't meant to be part of a debate, but instead it is true that while being a member of VJ for awhile now, I have had to kind of defend us once in awhile because our courtship is thought of as unconventional (only 2 weeks face to face until he arrived on the K1). But now that we've been married over 2 years, I feel like maybe people can see that even though they don't understand it, it is possible for people to have a good marriage who mostly talked over the internet for a few years first. I used to think it sounded crazy too, until it happened to me. Of course we wished we could have had more time together, but I also wish I had a lot of money so I could have done that.

agree with you completely, rebecca!

to answer the poll: Jerry was better than I expected about dealing with me and my issues about moving and settling in here. His patience and compassion and understanding has been boundless. He has been amazing, much more than I hoped/expected/imagined.

We still have some cultural differences but they would be there no matter how much time we had spent together before marriage.

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

Eh, this kinda reminds me of how some of the ex-members filing for K-3 would "look down" upon us lowly K-1'ers. Hehe, I won't get into it.

Anyhow, Becca: HUGS!!!

[Fandango 1,440]

Eh, this kinda reminds me of how some of the ex-members filing for K-3 would "look down" upon us lowly K-1'ers. Hehe, I won't get into it.

Anyhow, Becca: HUGS!!!

Why's that?

Who's looking down on anyone here?

[rebeccajo 14]

Eh, this kinda reminds me of how some of the ex-members filing for K-3 would "look down" upon us lowly K-1'ers. Hehe, I won't get into it.

Anyhow, Becca: HUGS!!!

Why's that?

Who's looking down on anyone here?

I think Swirly is talking about that time a couple of years ago when the marrieds used to get annoyed with the engageds because K1s were processing soooooooo much faster than K3's. Those kind of threads used to escalate into which type of relationship had more validity.

[Fandango 1,440]

Eh, this kinda reminds me of how some of the ex-members filing for K-3 would "look down" upon us lowly K-1'ers. Hehe, I won't get into it.

Anyhow, Becca: HUGS!!!

Why's that?

Who's looking down on anyone here?

I think Swirly is talking about that time a couple of years ago when the marrieds used to get annoyed with the engageds because K1s were processing soooooooo much faster than K3's. Those kind of threads used to escalate into which type of relationship had more validity.

Yeah, I get that bit....why I was asking was because I know *I* wasn't saying which had more validity, and I know Caroline wasn't insinuating that either.....so I'm wondering why it reminded her.

[rebeccajo 14]

Eh, this kinda reminds me of how some of the ex-members filing for K-3 would "look down" upon us lowly K-1'ers. Hehe, I won't get into it.

Anyhow, Becca: HUGS!!!

Why's that?

Who's looking down on anyone here?

I think Swirly is talking about that time a couple of years ago when the marrieds used to get annoyed with the engageds because K1s were processing soooooooo much faster than K3's. Those kind of threads used to escalate into which type of relationship had more validity.

Yeah, I get that bit....why I was asking was because I know *I* wasn't saying which had more validity, and I know Caroline wasn't insinuating that either.....so I'm wondering why it reminded her.

I dunno. Maybe she'll tell us later.