Is your SO different now that you are together?

[Lou Lou 1]

Every couple and every relationship - every marriage is different. They all evolve and grow differently. I'd like to keep learning from different peoples perspectives. They are all valuable to me.

Cept mine and Caroline's perspective, eh? whatever

And mine, I think.

[rebeccajo 14]

Becca, you know me better than that.....shame you have no faith in me and are prepared to think the worst and look for the insult in my opinion.

Sorry. That wasn't what I meant.

And mine, I think.

No. Not at all. I'm sorry.

[aussiewench 9]

Becca, you know me better than that.....shame you have no faith in me and are prepared to think the worst and look for the insult in my opinion.

Sorry. That wasn't what I meant.

I never took you to have meant it that way becca which is why I agreed with you 100%.

[Fandango 1,440]

So does that mean that those of us that spent lots of time together can' answer this poll?? can't post our voices too??

No Caro, and I'm sorry if that's what you thought I meant.

Lately it just seems like there's some issues or points or disagreements about this issue and I personally don't understand what the problem is with different courtship styles.

I was using my voice as well to express only that.

Well lemme ask you this, Becs......if you 'don't understand what the problem is with different styles' then why do you have such an issue with the fact that there are those of us who courted different than you?

[rebeccajo 14]

So does that mean that those of us that spent lots of time together can' answer this poll?? can't post our voices too??

No Caro, and I'm sorry if that's what you thought I meant.

Lately it just seems like there's some issues or points or disagreements about this issue and I personally don't understand what the problem is with different courtship styles.

I was using my voice as well to express only that.

Well lemme ask you this, Becs......if you 'don't understand what the problem is with different styles' then why do you have such an issue with the fact that there are those of us who courted different than you?

I don't. Really. And I'm sorry if you think that I do.

[Fandango 1,440]

*sigh*

I'm just longing for all of us to support each other in our relationships, no matter what they look like to the outside world.

Criticizing peoples choices won't change them. You can't protect people from themselves. You can recite your experiences or beliefs, but you can't change what people are going to do.

For crying out loud.

Do we have to keep having these continued debates here about 'knowing' your partner? I for one am getting good and tired of it.

The last time I checked, there wasn't any guidebook, manual, policy, edict, proclamation or commandment about how much time two people have to spend in courtship to make a relationship work.

If someone in this community is belittling or making someone feel small for spending a 'long time' in a relationship before commiting and filing - then shame on them.

If someone in this community is belittling or making someone feel small for having a shorter courship - shame on them as well.

Sorry Becs, the things I highlighted in red are what I took you as saying about me and Caro......

The 'apologise to me' comment from cristy is nothing but beligerant bitterness spilling over from another thread. I told her she should apologise to some people on here for what I saw as an inflammatory comment. I'm not going to start that thread here as part 2, but I just wanted to explain what this little commotion was about. I feel it's really got nothing to do with the topic at hand, because there's really nothing I feel I need to apologise for.

I didn't feel my comments were unsupportive, belittling, making someone feel small, or criticizing anyone in any way. A question was asked, I answered it for me.

I accept the fact that you didn't mean it that way...because we're friends and I think you'd come talk to me personally if you felt I was being nasty. But I really am confused as to who the comments in red were directed to, cos on the surface it does seem that they're directed at me and Caro

Anyways, I have floor this morning...gotta go to work! bbl

[Cristy 4]

*sigh*

I'm just longing for all of us to support each other in our relationships, no matter what they look like to the outside world.

Criticizing peoples choices won't change them. You can't protect people from themselves. You can recite your experiences or beliefs, but you can't change what people are going to do.

For crying out loud.

Do we have to keep having these continued debates here about 'knowing' your partner? I for one am getting good and tired of it.

The last time I checked, there wasn't any guidebook, manual, policy, edict, proclamation or commandment about how much time two people have to spend in courtship to make a relationship work.

If someone in this community is belittling or making someone feel small for spending a 'long time' in a relationship before commiting and filing - then shame on them.

If someone in this community is belittling or making someone feel small for having a shorter courship - shame on them as well.

Sorry Becs, the things I highlighted in red are what I took you as saying about me and Caro......

The 'apologise to me' comment from cristy is nothing but beligerant bitterness spilling over from another thread. I told her she should apologise to some people on here for what I saw as an inflammatory comment. I'm not going to start that thread here as part 2, but I just wanted to explain what this little commotion was about. I feel it's really got nothing to do with the topic at hand, because there's really nothing I feel I need to apologise for.

I didn't feel my comments were unsupportive, belittling, making someone feel small, or criticizing anyone in any way. A question was asked, I answered it for me.

I accept the fact that you didn't mean it that way...because we're friends and I think you'd come talk to me personally if you felt I was being nasty. But I really am confused as to who the comments in red were directed to, cos on the surface it does seem that they're directed at me and Caro

Anyways, I have floor this morning...gotta go to work! bbl

It was actually a joke. Sorry you lost your sense of humor....or maybe you never had one.

I have never met anyone who did not imagine what it would be like to be married....if life would change or stay the same. How it would be to wake up each day with the person you love and be their husband or wife. Especially in an LDR how can one not dream of the day and imagine how things will be?

If you did not dream or imagine ok. But to say NO I knew who he was so there were no surprises makes it sound like those who did imagine did not know their spouse. Which is not the case in most cases.

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

After being married for 32 years....I'll tell you how to keep the changes/trouble to a minium or at least you won't notice them... Here is the big secrets:

1. Never take them for granted

2. Never start a day without a "I love You" and a Kiss

3. Never end the day without a "I love You" and a Kiss

4. Never let a moment slip by that you don't show them love...

5. Be ready to adjust your attitude about everything...

6. Everything is 50/50

If you do these things you will never notice the changes...you "Both" make...

The things I did wrong in my marriage that is no more.... I forgot 1-2-3-4

But I won't do that again..and I'll learn from my own mistakes...

Veronica and I are not together yet... But we talked online for a year before I even met her... When I did go the first time it only built our love because she was the same in person as on the net....The second visit was only better yet...I had no idea it could of been...

Is she perfect....No ... But perfect for me.. Yes

I'm I perfect "NO" look how I goofed up my marriage... but I did learn a big lesson.. and I will wear it the rest of my life.... and Veronica will only see me with this new found knowledge....She tells me I'm perfect for her... Time will tell

Will our relationship and love be perfect.."NO" but we do have some experinece and know more about dodging trouble...

So the bottomline.... Will someone change..... "YES" we both do in adjustments to each other... it isn't a one sided change...if it is your in trouble.....You both need to adjust.. compromise..This is how a relationship works and grows...

7. Nothing is perfect....but with knowledge you can avoid trouble..

*sigh*

I'm just longing for all of us to support each other in our relationships, no matter what they look like to the outside world.

Criticizing peoples choices won't change them. You can't protect people from themselves. You can recite your experiences or beliefs, but you can't change what people are going to do.

For crying out loud.

Do we have to keep having these continued debates here about 'knowing' your partner? I for one am getting good and tired of it.

The last time I checked, there wasn't any guidebook, manual, policy, edict, proclamation or commandment about how much time two people have to spend in courtship to make a relationship work.

If someone in this community is belittling or making someone feel small for spending a 'long time' in a relationship before commiting and filing - then shame on them.

If someone in this community is belittling or making someone feel small for having a shorter courship - shame on them as well.

Sorry Becs, the things I highlighted in red are what I took you as saying about me and Caro......

The 'apologise to me' comment from cristy is nothing but beligerant bitterness spilling over from another thread. I told her she should apologise to some people on here for what I saw as an inflammatory comment. I'm not going to start that thread here as part 2, but I just wanted to explain what this little commotion was about. I feel it's really got nothing to do with the topic at hand, because there's really nothing I feel I need to apologise for.

I didn't feel my comments were unsupportive, belittling, making someone feel small, or criticizing anyone in any way. A question was asked, I answered it for me.

I accept the fact that you didn't mean it that way...because we're friends and I think you'd come talk to me personally if you felt I was being nasty. But I really am confused as to who the comments in red were directed to, cos on the surface it does seem that they're directed at me and Caro

Anyways, I have floor this morning...gotta go to work! bbl

[rebeccajo 14]

If someone in this community is belittling or making someone feel small for spending a 'long time' in a relationship before commiting and filing - then shame on them.

Actually Lisa, if there was some part of my comments where I had you specifically in mind, it was this one.

[Lou Lou 1]

I have never met anyone who did not imagine what it would be like to be married....if life would change or stay the same. How it would be to wake up each day with the person you love and be their husband or wife. Especially in an LDR how can one not dream of the day and imagine how things will be?

If you did not dream or imagine ok. But to say NO I knew who he was so there were no surprises makes it sound like those who did imagine did not know their spouse. Which is not the case in most cases.

I may be in a minority (of one?) here but we got married because immigration rules stated that we had to if we wanted to have a life together. We didn't like the idea of marriage so I did not dream or imagine what it would be like. I was pissed I was having to do it just to be able to live together. I would have been much happier just living together and entering into a civil union or some kind of partnership ceremony. In public we don't refer to each other as husband or wife. Generally I find sometimes I have to use those terms to get people to understand who I am referring to. My partner had been married for nearly 30 years before he met me, so it was very hard for him to enter into another marriage and would have been much happier shacked up without that piece of paper.

Of course your life changes over time in a relationship whether you're married or not. I can say from my experience is that I didn't need to dream or imagine what it was going to be like because I had experienced so much of it in advance. I didn't have any expectations. After nearly 9 years together there are surprises every day. Some big, some small, some good, some bad. That is life, innit?

[rebeccajo 14]

I may be in a minority (of one?) here but we got married because immigration rules stated that we had to if we wanted to have a life together......

Hee hee.....no you're not.

I've told it here before in these forums and I'll tell it again. When I first came to VJ it was because I was looking for information on how my Irish boyfriend could come over here, work, live here and we could date, until the calender ran out on my alimony!!!

[CarolineM 0]

that's the problem (although not sure I 100% disagree with it) with American Immigration...

You kinda "have" to get married.

oh well! It worked out for all of us

[Wild Wind 0]

After being married for 32 years....I'll tell you how to keep the changes/trouble to a minium or at least you won't notice them... Here is the big secrets:

1. Never take them for granted

2. Never start a day without a "I love You" and a Kiss

3. Never end the day without a "I love You" and a Kiss

4. Never let a moment slip by that you don't show them love...

5. Be ready to adjust your attitude about everything...

6. Everything is 50/50

If you do these things you will never notice the changes...you "Both" make...

The things I did wrong in my marriage that is no more.... I forgot 1-2-3-4

But I won't do that again..and I'll learn from my own mistakes...

Veronica and I are not together yet... But we talked online for a year before I even met her... When I did go the first time it only built our love because she was the same in person as on the net....The second visit was only better yet...I had no idea it could of been...

Is she perfect....No ... But perfect for me.. Yes

I'm I perfect "NO" look how I goofed up my marriage... but I did learn a big lesson.. and I will wear it the rest of my life.... and Veronica will only see me with this new found knowledge....She tells me I'm perfect for her... Time will tell

Will our relationship and love be perfect.."NO" but we do have some experinece and know more about dodging trouble...

So the bottomline.... Will someone change..... "YES" we both do in adjustments to each other... it isn't a one sided change...if it is your in trouble.....You both need to adjust.. compromise..This is how a relationship works and grows...

7. Nothing is perfect....but with knowledge you can avoid trouble..

Chris, I agree with your "big secrets" 100% this is what I am currently practicing, for the most part it has worked wonderfully other than a couple of disagreements, which I guess, is to be expected in any relationship, we have been together for 11 months now. After ready your post it made me feel very good that someone else feels the same as I do. I also realize no one is perfect so it does take work from both to make your relationship a success. Great post and it sounds like yours should be a successful relationship, I know that is what we all want, Love and Happiness forever, this for me hopefully is the last love of my life.

Edited November 13, 2006 by Wild Wind

[JenT 0]

I may be in a minority (of one?) here but we got married because immigration rules stated that we had to if we wanted to have a life together......

Hee hee.....no you're not.

I've told it here before in these forums and I'll tell it again. When I first came to VJ it was because I was looking for information on how my Irish boyfriend could come over here, work, live here and we could date, until the calender ran out on my alimony!!!

Yep. After my divorce, I swore I would never marry again. But, when I realized that the only way to have David in my life here was to be married, there was no question that I would marry again. But were he a 'local boy', I would not be married today.

David is the same person (relatively speaking, everyone changes over time... how can a transatlantic move to a completely new culture NOT affect someone???)... there have been no surprises and I do not expect any. He is genuine, and that's all that matters. More time together before becoming engaged would have been nice, but it wasn't necessary. We both knew... he was sure about us sooner that I was, but I eventually came around.

Is it all I dreamed about? Yes, only because I've had enough life experience to be realistic with my dreams/expectations. He is all that I've ever wanted in man and I am proud to be his wife.

Jen

[Fandango 1,440]

If someone in this community is belittling or making someone feel small for spending a 'long time' in a relationship before commiting and filing - then shame on them.

Actually Lisa, if there was some part of my comments where I had you specifically in mind, it was this one.

I don't see where anyone attempted to belittle me...and no one on this site can make me feel small but I'll just say thanks for the lookin out and leave it at that.

It was actually a joke. Sorry you lost your sense of humor....or maybe you never had one.

I have never met anyone who did not imagine what it would be like to be married....if life would change or stay the same. How it would be to wake up each day with the person you love and be their husband or wife. Especially in an LDR how can one not dream of the day and imagine how things will be?

If you did not dream or imagine ok. But to say NO I knew who he was so there were no surprises makes it sound like those who did imagine did not know their spouse. Which is not the case in most cases.

In my instance, we did not put the cart before the horse so to speak. We did what was right for us. We weren't talking marriage...we just knew we loved each other and wanted to be together. So we made it happen. The engagement came later for us.

_________________________________

Honestly, imo I'm reminded of Sarah and Hicham's statement in the MENA forum that she wouldn't date anyone older.....while she was just stating her own viewpoint, lots of ppl got upset and sensitive because they were offended (like what her opinion had to do with them is anyone's guess, but whatever).....I feel the same is true in this thread....I have stated a preference for me. Not passing judgement on anyone else...I'm not even discussing anyone else's relationship. I was discussing mine. Like it or lump it, it is what it is...and I'm sorry to everyone here if I've struck some sort of nerve, but that is not the intention. It's just my truth...not really up for debate...and if that makes anyone uneasy, well that's really unfortunate. But I won't apologise (cristy this is not a reference to you) for my situation, nor will I gloss my opinion over in fear of offending someone. If my opinion on how I live my own life offends anyone....well then that's unfortunate.

Furthermore, Becs made a comment that being part of this community means we should always support each other. Well I disagree. I don't feel I have to offer the same blanket support to everyone on here just cos I'm a member. I'm not a support machine....sign up on VJ, and you get the 'CONGRATULATIONS!' posts from me automatically. Then that devalues the times I actually congratulate someone.....cos when I do it, it's from the heart & cos I want to, not because it's in the T&Cs.

Edited November 13, 2006 by LisaD