The Rant

[LucidSofia 59]

Almost divorced today. FML

I´m really sorry to hear that Nikki.. Are things better now? What happened?

[NikLR 13,227]

We're not divorcing but it's still delicate. We haven't really talked in person about it, just over gtalk. I can't wait to move. It's been 2 months since I've seen my husband and about now is when we start feeling the separation. It'll likely be another 2 months or so before we can see each other. It's an issue we wouldn't be having if we lived together. Sigh.

[Caryh 5,206]

We're not divorcing but it's still delicate. We haven't really talked in person about it, just over gtalk. I can't wait to move. It's been 2 months since I've seen my husband and about now is when we start feeling the separation. It'll likely be another 2 months or so before we can see each other. It's an issue we wouldn't be having if we lived together. Sigh.

The stress of immigration can be a real relationship killer. There were times my wife was ready to throw her hands in the air and say screw it. I think there was even tougher times as she's been was adjusting to life in America and married life. I keep thinking we're all through that, then the missing home and family rears its ugly head again.

Just hold strong to what brought you together in the first place. If you share a religion, I'd say pray together. If not, I'd say do something similar. Each day take to time to say how much you appreciate and love your partner to each other. Make it a ritual you follow daily. It doesn't need to be a long drawn out thing, just a short single sentence. I never forget to add thanking god that we found each other, found love together, have come together as man and wife, and appreciate her for who she is, to our daily dinner blessing. She adds in her blessings after me, and includes the same type of thing. Its good to hear every day your partner is thankful and to remind yourself that you are to for what you have. It helps to keep both of us focused on whats important, our marriage, and to set personal egos aside.

[NikLR 13,227]

It's honestly more of a jealousy issue. Because I have a child with my ex, there is a certain amount of interaction. If the interaction goes beyond minimum, he feels betrayed. Her birthday was yesterday. She wanted to the 3 of us (it would be 4 if hubs was here, but he's not) to have ice cream. I had a feeling hubs would be upset and didn't bring it up soon enough to talk about. Then it was a fight. He's not jealous about any other person or anything else I do, just my ex. I think it's because he knows I can't just sever all ties like he could with his. There will always be interaction and I don't hate my ex, like his mom hated his dad or my parents hated each other. Perhaps we're both friendlier than we need to be, but it's never inappropriate that I can see. It's not the first time the issue has come up, but I thought for her birthday, it would be okay. I was wrong. It could be a control issue. I'm not sure at this point. But I know what I did wrong and can do what I can to fix it. I want to try to do so. This is certainly not irreparable, he doesn't think so either. Does he need to do a little soul searching and maybe needs to let go a little? Probably, but I can only control me, and what I do, not anyone else. Any changes from him need to come from him and be initiated from within.

We both want us. We want to be a couple. We want to be married and we want to be happy, as both individuals and as a pair.

I personally feel this would not be an issue if we lived together.

Edited March 22, 2013 by NikiR

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

It's honestly more of a jealousy issue. Because I have a child with my ex, there is a certain amount of interaction. If the interaction goes beyond minimum, he feels betrayed. Her birthday was yesterday. She wanted to the 3 of us (it would be 4 if hubs was here, but he's not) to have ice cream. I had a feeling hubs would be upset and didn't bring it up soon enough to talk about. Then it was a fight. He's not jealous about any other person or anything else I do, just my ex. I think it's because he knows I can't just sever all ties like he could with his. There will always be interaction and I don't hate my ex, like his mom hated his dad or my parents hated each other. Perhaps we're both friendlier than we need to be, but it's never inappropriate that I can see. It's not the first time the issue has come up, but I thought for her birthday, it would be okay. I was wrong. It could be a control issue. I'm not sure at this point. But I know what I did wrong and can do what I can to fix it. I want to try to do so. This is certainly not irreparable, he doesn't think so either. Does he need to do a little soul searching and maybe needs to let go a little? Probably, but I can only control me, and what I do, not anyone else. Any changes from him need to come from him and be initiated from within.

I think how you are with your ex is how adults should be, especially when there is a child involved. My mom was still friendly with my step dad after they divorced. He still came over for Christmas and other holidays and she still called him up to talk about me or whatever else. That was an incredibly great example to go by and it really was the best for me in the end, and that is how you should be thinking about it.

I still talk to my ex-husband from time to time although that has gone done considerably with getting further and further out from our divorce. My husband doesn't care. He even talks to my XMIL and XFIL on skype.

Even worse yet, I still talk to my on and off Swedish ex of 10 years. He helped raise my daughter and we are still friends. My husband trust me and it doesn't bother him.

Anyways, as long as it isn't sexual I don't see the problem with it in my case.

However, this is something about your daughter and what is in her best interest and that is to have both of her parents involved and active in her life. It worries me that your husband can't see that.

[Operator 1,927]

Our situation was/is similar. It seems worse when you have miles and miles to think about it and in our case we had a 12 hour time difference also. Once the gap was gone it got a lot better though. I tried to put myself in her shoes and I realized how it looked from her end. Try to take a look from his perspective, as best you can and see what the view is like.

I'm sure it will all work out.

Here is my rant.

People who throw cigarette butts out their car/truck window. Some hag sitting in the passenger seat of a pickup hit me in the leg with her lit cigarette when I was stopped at a light.

What the hell biothc!?! Stop polluting my earth and look both ways for motorcycles!!

Have a nice Friday

[NikLR 13,227]

I think how you are with your ex is how adults should be, especially when there is a child involved. My mom was still friendly with my step dad after they divorced. He still came over for Christmas and other holidays and she still called him up to talk about me or whatever else. That was an incredibly great example to go by and it really was the best for me in the end, and that is how you should be thinking about it.

I still talk to my ex-husband from time to time although that has gone done considerably with getting further and further out from our divorce. My husband doesn't care. He even talks to my XMIL and XFIL on skype.

Even worse yet, I still talk to my on and off Swedish ex of 10 years. He helped raise my daughter and we are still friends. My husband trust me and it doesn't bother him.

Anyways, as long as it isn't sexual I don't see the problem with it in my case.

However, this is something about your daughter and what is in her best interest and that is to have both of her parents involved and active in her life. It worries me that your husband can't see that.

I think it has partially to do with the circumstances of how we met and fell in love.

I'm his second relationship, ever. Also his second marriage. So he doesn't have the relationship experience that I do, or you do, or many people at his age do. He only has his parents to compare to really. They divorced when he was 12, he took it so badly they remarried only to divorce again when he was 15. His dad constantly cheated on his mom.

He will learn. I can't expect it to happen overnight. I can only try to make the transition easier, as I would for anyone that I love and care about. He could see if he was here. He can't so it's harder. Also it's not me he doesn't trust, it's the ex. Hubs is constantly scared the ex will do whatever he can to get me back and scared as well that I will go. He has said time and again he feels too lucky to have gotten someone perfect for him. I think sometimes as well that we are both so afraid that the other person will leave, we start to push each other away a little, to distance the eventual heartache. It's something I honestly feel is because of the physical distance. I do love him so very much. He loves me to. He has a hard time trusting anyone, it's easy to break it and harder to earn. I know I have a habit of breaking trust because it's been done so much to me, I just sever the tie first, without thought. Time to grow up and stop.

[NikLR 13,227]

Here is my rant.

People who throw cigarette butts out their car/truck window. Some hag sitting in the passenger seat of a pickup hit me in the leg with her lit cigarette when I was stopped at a light.

What the hell biothc!?! Stop polluting my earth and look both ways for motorcycles!!

Have a nice Friday

OMG yes. Do people understand how many fires are started this way?! There was one in BC Canada that threatened many many lives and burned down home. It was started from a carelessly thrown cig butt out a window.

[Asia 2,498]

I'll be back 2-3 days if I survive.

I'm sure you will!

[Cathi 5,755]

People who rant and rave and cry about not getting NOA2 when they are still within normal processing times. Especially for those who are only 2 or 3 months into the process and say they are going to get their elected officials involved. Seriously???? I understand it is a long process, and the wait isn't easy, but it is what it is. I swear it's as though some people on this site act like they are in high school. am sure somewhere in this thread someone has made this same comment, I didn't have time to look trough the entire thread. I Had to get this out

[Caryh 5,206]

I think it has partially to do with the circumstances of how we met and fell in love.

I'm his second relationship, ever. Also his second marriage. So he doesn't have the relationship experience that I do, or you do, or many people at his age do. He only has his parents to compare to really. They divorced when he was 12, he took it so badly they remarried only to divorce again when he was 15. His dad constantly cheated on his mom.

He will learn. I can't expect it to happen overnight. I can only try to make the transition easier, as I would for anyone that I love and care about. He could see if he was here. He can't so it's harder. Also it's not me he doesn't trust, it's the ex. Hubs is constantly scared the ex will do whatever he can to get me back and scared as well that I will go. He has said time and again he feels too lucky to have gotten someone perfect for him. I think sometimes as well that we are both so afraid that the other person will leave, we start to push each other away a little, to distance the eventual heartache. It's something I honestly feel is because of the physical distance. I do love him so very much. He loves me to. He has a hard time trusting anyone, it's easy to break it and harder to earn. I know I have a habit of breaking trust because it's been done so much to me, I just sever the tie first, without thought. Time to grow up and stop.

OMG does this sound familiar. My wife is afraid of the same thing, very very afraid and it comes out as jealousy. It was not this way when she lived in her home country though. Well she was jealous, some waitress in her country was apparently flirting with me one time, I didn't notice until afterwards when I was in trouble for it

Don't expect an unreasonable emotional response to fear to get better by being closer. It might even get worse when he's faced with your ex. All you can do is keep working to reassure them the fear is unfounded, and your love is only for your spouse.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Niki, I hope you didn't think I was judging or anything. Everyone has their battles to go through in relationships. My first marriage and my second one are so different than most people's that I have no idea how most people run their marriages. My husband is 27 and I was his first girlfriend and first partner of more than maybe a few nights, he's my third. I do find being in person more challenging than long distance because there is no cooling off period and issues are always right there in your face.

People who rant and rave and cry about not getting NOA2 when they are still within normal processing times. Especially for those who are only 2 or 3 months into the process and say they are going to get their elected officials involved. Seriously???? I understand it is a long process, and the wait isn't easy, but it is what it is. I swear it's as though some people on this site act like they are in high school. am sure somewhere in this thread someone has made this same comment, I didn't have time to look trough the entire thread. I Had to get this out

:thumbs:

It has been 5 weeks, should I contact my senator?

[oohpartiv 484]

People who rant and rave and cry about not getting NOA2 when they are still within normal processing times. Especially for those who are only 2 or 3 months into the process and say they are going to get their elected officials involved. Seriously???? I understand it is a long process, and the wait isn't easy, but it is what it is. I swear it's as though some people on this site act like they are in high school. am sure somewhere in this thread someone has made this same comment, I didn't have time to look trough the entire thread. I Had to get this out

Or all the newbie filers who make threads every other day saying "MY CASE DOESN'T SHOW UP ONLINE!!! WHAT'S WRONG?!?!" despite the fact that that question gets answer daily. The root of these problems would be that nobody knows how to use the damn search tool.

[MeredythB 38]

I think it has partially to do with the circumstances of how we met and fell in love.

I'm his second relationship, ever. Also his second marriage. So he doesn't have the relationship experience that I do, or you do, or many people at his age do. He only has his parents to compare to really. They divorced when he was 12, he took it so badly they remarried only to divorce again when he was 15. His dad constantly cheated on his mom.

He will learn. I can't expect it to happen overnight. I can only try to make the transition easier, as I would for anyone that I love and care about. He could see if he was here. He can't so it's harder. Also it's not me he doesn't trust, it's the ex. Hubs is constantly scared the ex will do whatever he can to get me back and scared as well that I will go. He has said time and again he feels too lucky to have gotten someone perfect for him. I think sometimes as well that we are both so afraid that the other person will leave, we start to push each other away a little, to distance the eventual heartache. It's something I honestly feel is because of the physical distance. I do love him so very much. He loves me to. He has a hard time trusting anyone, it's easy to break it and harder to earn. I know I have a habit of breaking trust because it's been done so much to me, I just sever the tie first, without thought. Time to grow up and stop.

I think it is a lot harder on men who have not had more than a couple of serious relationships. My husband had only one other serious partner before me. He is constantly "checking up" to see if I'm happy in our relationship. He's told me on several occasions that he's worried that I'll just change my mind one day and leave him. I was married once before and I think he does compare our relationship to my first marriage. I have been very open and honest about what went wrong in that marriage and the reasons that I fell in love with him after being single. It was not an easy thing for me to do, since I think you and I are very similar in our "run away before you're run away FROM" attitude. The best advice that I can give is to be honest with him about your feelings and the reasons that you want this marriage to succeed. Tell him what your concerns are with his behaviours and ask him what his concerns are about yours. Keep him as involved as you can and let him know how important his happiness is to you and let him know that it's important to YOU that he lets you know when he's feeling unsure so that you can talk about it and try to come up with solutions or improvements before it becomes a huge disagreement. We had to do a lot of this after we'd gotten engaged and I was still in the US and he was in Ireland. Distance and length of separation can be extremely difficult with these types of "runner" personalities, but it can get a lot better. I have fingers crossed for you.

And I'm sorry if this post sounds a little bit preachy or clinical. I was a certified counselor in my previous life and both the terminology and the urge to help sometimes still rear their ugly heads.

Edited March 22, 2013 by MeredythB

[Calypso 464]

Husband wants me to go furniture shopping. I don't want to! I'd rather have more space to move around the house by not having furniture and use the money for frequent vacation outside the country.