The Rant

[SAT 9,609]

Niki you use words well. I think you took a lot of words right out of our mouths.

Rebel, I agree with you. That's what I mean by friend. (I can honestly say, I have only 1)

One thing I know is certain. If Tiff decides to go on to this trip, I will take it as evidence that to her, her family in Malaysia is more important than resolving a crisis here with this family.

Meredyth.......we'll let you rant about Rugby here lol.........

[Caryh 5,206]

Niki you use words well. I think you took a lot of words right out of our mouths.

Rebel, I agree with you. That's what I mean by friend. (I can honestly say, I have only 1)

One thing I know is certain. If Tiff decides to go on to this trip, I will take it as evidence that to her, her family in Malaysia is more important than resolving a crisis here with this family.

Meredyth.......we'll let you rant about Rugby here lol.........

Steve, I'd advise against making ultimatums that makes Tiff choose between her family here and her family there. I know you're pissed. I know you don't understand what she's doing. But this is something you should probably just let go of. I'd get into the reasons I think so if I had time, but I'm off to face the parking nightmare at mall of America now. Whats going on makes little sense to a westerner, but there are reasons behind her feeling she has no choice but to do this.

[AKSinghSingh79 143]

My husband has been in a down mood for the past few days. I know that I should be a good wife and listen but I can't help but feel slightly annoyed because he knows the huge problems I am facing right now. I don't know why he can't just suck it up and distract himself. He's only there for another 2-3 month longer.

I've been trying to give him stuff to occupy his time like sample interview questions, a copy of the PA DMV guide so he can start studying for a learner's permit, and tips for re-writing his resume. Honestly, I still don't think he understand how much stuff he's going to have to do when he gets here. We LOVE paperwork here in the U.S.

[MeredythB 38]

Niki you use words well. I think you took a lot of words right out of our mouths.

Rebel, I agree with you. That's what I mean by friend. (I can honestly say, I have only 1)

One thing I know is certain. If Tiff decides to go on to this trip, I will take it as evidence that to her, her family in Malaysia is more important than resolving a crisis here with this family.

Meredyth.......we'll let you rant about Rugby here lol.........

Thank you, Steve. And now that I've caught up on the rest of the thread, instead of just posting my rant, I feel like a bit of a whingey b*tch, considering what you're having to deal with. I am so sorry. I know that the pressure to sacrifice yourself for family can be overwhelming, but as a mom, everyone else is simply going to have to take a backseat to my little girl. As her mother, it's my responsibility to ensure HER well-being before anyone else's.

Of course, it's easier for me to say that, since I'd dump a bucket of water on my sister if she was on fire, but that's about the extent to which I'd exert myself for her benefit.

I hope that your situation works itself out soon....I'll be sending good vibes your way.

[JstaRebel 48]

Thanks Niki, that's logical rational thinking. I have covered most of what you said. Nothing seems to get through to her that her obligation is to her immediate family first. In fact, nothing seems to get through to her that her immediate family is me and my daughter now.

She blindly defends her sis in Malaysia. But she hasn't seen this sister in 12 years. People change. They were 18 and 16 respectively when they last saw each other.

What I see on FB, is a lavish life style enjoyed by her due to foreign / outside money pumped into her life.

what else can I do? I do love Tiff dearly. But times like this makes me feel that she has nothing but disregard for me and my daughter.

I want to keep these rants short, because I know I'm being redundant. And you guys must be sick of hearing about this by now.

The list of gifts being brought back is already ridiculous. And sadly, I contributed to that list....

Ahhh the beauty of mariage that mixes two cultures together.. It's difficult sometimes for one to understand the reasons of the other. I went back through the threads reading your posts and replies so as to get up to speed with this particular rant. I think it's good that you have a forum in which you are able to discuss the issues that you are having with your wife Steve, The love that you have for her is evident when reading your posts as is the difficulty you are having with how you feel about her decisions. I'm sure that you are going over this whole thing in your mind day and night (as would I) wondering what is the best way to approach a resolution to your issue with her, and I'm sure that you will come up with the right approach.

My Dominican wife Gabriela is tied very tightly to her family in Santo Domingo, and I send money every month to insure her elderly father (82) has lights, food, gas, and water. I want to say since I shared this with everyone, that I'm ok with doing this and do it with a good heart. He's family. However, when Gabriela started asking to send money to her perfectly healthy sons, and her sister, I had issue with it and simply told her that I wont do that. It caused tension in our relationship and there were times that I wanted to simply tell her that she has a choice to make because I was not going to jepordize our life and retirement for her sons and sister.

I did the same thing you are Steve, and rolled it over and over through my mind until I decided to sit her down and simply tell her calmly how I felt including that her sons would never work if they were getting free money from her, her sister was using her because she was married to a gringo and looked upon as rich, and that her choosing to to continue putting her family ahead of us was going to effect our marriage. I suggested that she visit her other sister in Miami, work there and send the money to her sister and sons herself. This is what she did, and truth be known, she is in Miami right now.. She has been there for six weeks now, and is due to come home the 26th of this month. She also seems to have a different attitude about it as once she sent her sister money to help her out, it wasn't a week later that her sister asked for more. I think that she needed to understand that nothing in this world is free, and anything worth having is worth working for. I think shes also tired of working every day just to send money home. People that get something for nothing never respect anything because they never had to put out for it. I told her all of this time and time again with her time and time again dismissing it as unimportant. I stuck to my guns, did not give her an ultimatum, and let her make her own decisions after completely being honest with her about how I felt, and what I thought her decision could do to our relationship. Right now, I'm feeling that I may have got lucky because she is telling me that she understands now what I ment and that I was right. She's still not home, so I can't look into her eyes and see that she understands, and there's always the possibility that she's figuring to let me think what I want so that she can continue to put her family in the DR ahead of us. You're not alone Steve, and I believe many of us that marry into another culture have this same issue. I wish you insight to do what is necessary for you to feel relief, and your wife to see things from your point of view.

[oohpartiv 484]

I did the same thing you are Steve, and rolled it over and over through my mind until I decided to sit her down and simply tell her calmly how I felt including that her sons would never work if they were getting free money from her, her sister was using her because she was married to a gringo and looked upon as rich, and that her choosing to to continue putting her family ahead of us was going to effect our marriage. I suggested that she visit her other sister in Miami, work there and send the money to her sister and sons herself. This is what she did, and truth be known, she is in Miami right now.. She has been there for six weeks now, and is due to come home the 26th of this month. She also seems to have a different attitude about it as once she sent her sister money to help her out, it wasn't a week later that her sister asked for more. I think that she needed to understand that nothing in this world is free, and anything worth having is worth working for. I think shes also tired of working every day just to send money home. People that get something for nothing never respect anything because they never had to put out for it. I told her all of this time and time again with her time and time again dismissing it as unimportant. I stuck to my guns, did not give her an ultimatum, and let her make her own decisions after completely being honest with her about how I felt, and what I thought her decision could do to our relationship. Right now, I'm feeling that I may have got lucky because she is telling me that she understands now what I ment and that I was right. She's still not home, so I can't look into her eyes and see that she understands, and there's always the possibility that she's figuring to let me think what I want so that she can continue to put her family in the DR ahead of us. You're not alone Steve, and I believe many of us that marry into another culture have this same issue. I wish you insight to do what is necessary for you to feel relief, and your wife to see things from your point of view.

I'm afraid this is going to happen when I go home. As of right now, nobody has asked for anything outright (though my BIL has made hints about "liking" things, and maybe "helping him get them" once we get over there, which won't be happening. ), but I can only imagine the amount of excuses that will come up once we're both living and working in the States. Both my husband and I have our own checking accounts, but we have a shared savings account where we put a certain percentage of our checks every month as a back up fund, and it's worked so well down here that we plan on continuing the same system when we move home. The thing is, my husband is obviously very close with his family (as per the latino usual) and doesn't think twice when talking to them, so I can just see him letting slip that we have some savings and then can imagine the wolves circling in for the kill. It's going to be an uphill battle, at least at first, I'm sure.

[NikLR 13,227]

I'm angry my husband just hangs up on skype without saying ANYTHING. Sometimes I feel like a puppy begging for attention. makes me very angry at myself.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

I'm afraid this is going to happen when I go home. As of right now, nobody has asked for anything outright (though my BIL has made hints about "liking" things, and maybe "helping him get them" once we get over there, which won't be happening. ), but I can only imagine the amount of excuses that will come up once we're both living and working in the States. Both my husband and I have our own checking accounts, but we have a shared savings account where we put a certain percentage of our checks every month as a back up fund, and it's worked so well down here that we plan on continuing the same system when we move home. The thing is, my husband is obviously very close with his family (as per the latino usual) and doesn't think twice when talking to them, so I can just see him letting slip that we have some savings and then can imagine the wolves circling in for the kill. It's going to be an uphill battle, at least at first, I'm sure.

How about coming up with a written agreement about how you'll handle them asking for money?

[NikLR 13,227]

I have a million zits and I'm getting fatter. FML

Done ranting today.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

I have a million zits and I'm getting fatter. FML

OMG SRSLY WTFBBQ if my husband doesn't stop buying cookies and soda....

I seriously weigh a pound more than I did when I moved here. :angry: :angry:

He is finally clear for "hide the pickle" in 3 days, but he isn't getting any if he doesn't stop this BS.

I'm throwing out the cookies. :angry:

[SAT 9,609]

Cary, Rebel. thanks again for your words. I think we're all on the same wavelength here.

I don't feel any better than I did yesterday or the day before. I simply don't have any answers. I think my wife has put behind her the idea of funding any renovations. But that has not changed the tension created by the fights that we've had.

I don't want her to not give her sister money. What I want, is for her to understand why.

And now that I'm sure I've made enemies with her sister here. And sister back in Malaysia. Why would I want to go visit?

Next twist (karma).....

Tiff's older sis (not the one we've been talking about) has an anchor child. 5 years old. She wants us to pick up the boy from Malaysia to bring back to the US and take care of him while she awaits for an immigration visa.....

1- I'm not doing it

2- She's not getting an immigration visa without an I-864 from me.....

[SAT 9,609]

I'm biting my tongue again on Nola and Niki's posts.......

[NikLR 13,227]

You can ay least blame your husband Nola. My fatness which is far more than a mere pound... Ugh I wish... is entirely my own fault. I'm just lazy. And now I'm depressed.

[oohpartiv 484]

How about coming up with a written agreement about how you'll handle them asking for money?

I think this would be the smartest way to go about it, but knowing my husband, he would be very hurt by this suggestion. He is very insistant on trust and honesty, and while I can see the logic in that suggestion, I think he would just be insulted. As of right now we're on the right page (I made him sit down and had a talk about it earlier after getting paranoid from this thread and the experience of others. ) so I guess I'm just going to have to play it by ear.

Tiff's older sis (not the one we've been talking about) has an anchor child. 5 years old. She wants us to pick up the boy from Malaysia to bring back to the US and take care of him while she awaits for an immigration visa.....

1- I'm not doing it

2- She's not getting an immigration visa without an I-864 from me.....

What a ridiculous request! And it's mighty presumptious of her to just assume she's going to be helped out with an immigrant visa.

My MIL told me the other day that when I get pregnant, my hubby can get a visa for her so she can help me out with the pregnancy, and then she'll happily take the child back to Ecuador with her when she leaves. As though I'd go through pregnancy and childbirth for the sole purpose of handing the baby over to her. Where the hell is the logic on that one?

You can ay least blame your husband Nola. My fatness which is far more than a mere pound... Ugh I wish... is entirely my own fault. I'm just lazy. And now I'm depressed.

I sympathize. Some people get really motivated to go to the gym when they get angry or upset. I get motivated to sleep, watch movies, and eat. Depression = weight gain, and acne.

[SAT 9,609]

What a ridiculous request! And it's mighty presumptious of her to just assume she's going to be helped out with an immigrant visa.

That's another whole chapter in the stuff that I have already done for Tiff's family and friends.........I have an entire filing cabinet dedicated to Tiff, her family, and her friends.

Among her family and friends, I'm the official letter preparer, translator, notary, immigration/ legal consultant......etc......

every time they need something, Tiff is extra nice to me.....