Are these feelings normal?

[lynndy38 64]

God willing I will be starting my new life with my husband in April, I guess the reality has finally started to set in and lately Ive found myself feeling scared and tearful. I NEED to be with my husband and miss him every minute,but the thought of leaving everyone/thing I know and love here feels overwhelming at times. My husband is so supportive he's said we will come back to the UK as much as we can afford,and if I need to get home for emergencies that won't be a problem.

My story has a difficult circumstance in which I am leaving my 14 year old son behind,he wishes to stay with his dad and I respect that. My parents are bringing him over for holidays and he'll soon be old enough to come visit alone.

How on earth do people cope leaving such important people?

Am I alone in feeling scared?

I guess as I pack and give away most of my stuff it just feels very real.

[Nich-Nick 3,354]

For keeping up with you son and anybody else--

Get a Vonage UK line/phone number for £7.99/mo. My husband brought his Vonage box with him and plugged it into our US router, then any phone is plugged into the Vonage box. Anytime, day or night that your son wants to call you, he dials you at the UK number and it rings at your US home. No dial arounds or need for the computer to be on or special phone. It's also very easy for parents/grandparents who may not be into Skype or such--Simply dial a normal UK number. You can set up simultaneous ring to your mobile phone and even if you aren't home, you'll get the call on your mobile at no extra charge to caller or you. And you can use the phone for unlimited calls to UK landlines.

My husband did that so his kids could call easily if they needed him for anything. Now they are of that age with boyfriend/girlfriend and are way too busy for Dad. But he is still there just a phone call away at no cost to them if they can squeeze him in to their busy love lives.

[cathy2904 97]

Your feelings are perfectly understandable and completely natural. It's an enormous step. I have been there - I am still there. I left my two sons. Admittedly they are a bit older than yours as they were 22 and 24 when I left but at times I still feel like I have abandoned them. My younger son is doing his Masters and last week there was a concert at the university, in which his compositions were being played. His pieces probably lasted 5 minutes total but I was devastated that I couldn't be there. Luckily my dad was able to be there.

But I always knew that my boys would not always be around me so I would be foolish to give up my chance of happiness. My older son has just moved to Helsinki and the younger one is going to Australia for a year in October! The younger one visited me last summer and the older is hopefully coming this year.

My dad's wife died just before I got my visa and leaving him was very hard because we became much closer and he became quite dependent emotionally. But I talk more to him on Skype now than we ever did when I was in England and working full time. He also came out last year and we had an amazing time tracing his musical history through Nashville and Memphis.

My sister and her family visited last year and my mum is visiting in April. We went back for Christmas. I think it's important to have trips and visits planned both ways.

I left a job I loved and felt valued in and where I had a lot of friends. That was hard too but I am working again and beginning to feel useful.

Expect to feel dreadful at times. Expect to have bad days. Make sure your husband is prepared for them too. But your son has his dad so he will be fine. And sons always leave their mothers in the end!

Good luck. Sorry if this is bitty but I am writing it on my phone.

[Lou29 5]

Although I don't have any children to leave behind I am feeling pretty guilty about leaving my mum and dad behind. I'm their only daughter and youngest child and I know this is killing my mum no matter how supportive she's being. I'm dreading the final goodbye and sometimes I try to avoid talking about moving because I know it upsets her. It's a hard position to be in but America isn't really that far away. My Grandad also died a few weeks ago and now I only have one Grandparent left, my Granny who I am really close to and I worry about leaving her and my mum at this delicate time.

I don't think it feels anymore real now that I've been approved but I would say it's probably seeming more real to everyone else and they're starting to realise that it's actually happening.

I'm hoping that regular trips home and lots of skyping will help. I also know another Scottish girl who lives in Chicago and we are hoping to meet up so I think it will be good to have a fellow expat close to home so we can have a good moan about missing home!

Hang in there. Once all the goodbyes are done and you're on the plane on the way to your husband things will seem brighter. Take the time to adjust and be ready for this time to feel different (in a good way I hope) to all the previous visits

[lynndy38 64]

Thankyou for the lovely replies and suggestions......I think Eric got that Vontage phone thing a few weeks ago,I didn't realise Lewis would be able to call me from the UK on it

I just feel so damn guilty everytime I start to feel excited about being back with my husband and not having to say goodbye after a few weeks. When I know family and friends are upset that I'm leaving. Plus for the first time ever Ive noticed a culture difference between Eric and I and that shook me a bit........we clashed a little over the whole second amendment thing,it seems something very close to alot of American peoples hearts right now. I think its the first time we've ever felt quite differently over an issue. Plus it kinda made me feel like I was moving into a potential war zone!!!! I do tend to over react :blink:

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I just feel so damn guilty everytime I start to feel excited about being back with my husband and not having to say goodbye after a few weeks. When I know family and friends are upset that I'm leaving. Plus for the first time ever Ive noticed a culture difference between Eric and I and that shook me a bit........we clashed a little over the whole second amendment thing,it seems something very close to alot of American peoples hearts right now. I think its the first time we've ever felt quite differently over an issue. Plus it kinda made me feel like I was moving into a potential war zone!!!! I do tend to over react

That's not a cultural difference, that's just a difference of opinion. Not all American's love guns, not all foreigners hate guns. Just like politics and religion you'll meet people with wildly different opinions, this is just one of them.

I am a British Australian. I have no negative feelings towards guns, nor positive ones. I understand their purpose, a lot of my husbands friends are hunters (something I wouldn't personally do) and my husband is former military so he has guns and other weapons. This is more of a political issue than a gun issue in my opinion.

---

On the leaving part. I felt a lot of guilt as well, though I wasn't leaving any children behind, I was leaving family I was close to. As I'm still young and hope to have children a lot of my guilt centres around the fact that our children won't be raised around my family. I also have guilty that my new niece (6 months old) will barely know me, my husband or their future counsins (our future children). My father passed last year and I wasn't there in his final days but I did go back for the funeral. I have guilt that the same may happen with my mother (I have no surviving grandparents).

We had plans to go back and visit as well but it's not cheap, and it's also hard to get time off. I had 2 weeks for my fathers passing but that's not normal. Maternity/paternity/bereavement leave is all different (less time, less government support).

Health insurance is expensive but if you are able to get it through your job it's pretty awesome.

All that said - there are things I missed about the US while I was home for those 2 weeks and I was happy to get back (and it was really weird to get back too). I missed our house, our little family, my life here. It's been over 3 years since I've been here but it's only recently that I've started to feel more like this is home now, but it doesn't stop the aforementioned guilt which I assume will get MUCH worse if/when I get pregnant.

[Nich-Nick 3,354]

Thankyou for the lovely replies and suggestions......I think Eric got that Vontage phone thing a few weeks ago,I didn't realise Lewis would be able to call me from the UK on it

Nope, it doesn't work like that. You have to get it at Vonage.co.uk while you are in the UK and get a UK phone number, make arrangements to pay for it monthly, and bring the Vonage box with you. A US Vonage line calls the UK free but it's still a US phone number that is an international call for Lewis. If you get a UK phone number, then it's like Lewis calling anybody in the UK---no international dial codes because it's a local UK call that rings in the US because of Internet magic.

[Redflame2012 32]

Yes!!! These feeling are VERY normal. I had them too...The way you will cope is Skyping your friends and loved ones, getting a telephone service like 'Vontage' that has a package, reasonably priced, that allows you free international calls home, getting involved in volunteering until you obtain your greencard, getting to know your new neighbour by walking (if there are pavements) or using the local bus service (if you have one)....

Don't be scared. Plan ahead. A few other things to remember:

1. Obtain a written recommendation from your present employer - if you can get one from a previous employer do that too.

2. If you are a professional or a career girl, check if you need to 'upgrade' your qualifications to obtain a license to operate in your chosen field (ie hair dress, teacher etc)

For example, my sister, who is a nurse, had to sit a further exam to obtain a license to work here.

3. If you are Christan or of some other religous belief, join a church. You will begin to build a sense of community.

4. If there are any classes or clubs nearby that interest you join them.

When you board the plane, you may feel tearful but remember your husband and your new life awaits you.

If you wish, you can send me a message so we can 'talk'. I'm located in California. Been here for over 4 years now.

Good luck and don't worry. You will be home sick for a while but gradually it gets better.

Redflame x

God willing I will be starting my new life with my husband in April, I guess the reality has finally started to set in and lately Ive found myself feeling scared and tearful. I NEED to be with my husband and miss him every minute,but the thought of leaving everyone/thing I know and love here feels overwhelming at times. My husband is so supportive he's said we will come back to the UK as much as we can afford,and if I need to get home for emergencies that won't be a problem.

My story has a difficult circumstance in which I am leaving my 14 year old son behind,he wishes to stay with his dad and I respect that. My parents are bringing him over for holidays and he'll soon be old enough to come visit alone.

How on earth do people cope leaving such important people?

Am I alone in feeling scared?

I guess as I pack and give away most of my stuff it just feels very real.

Edited February 17, 2013 by Redflame2012

[Redflame2012 32]

Lynndy,

I forgot to say:

1. If you haven't had a dental check up lately, arrange one. Make sure your teeth are in good condition for the time being as dental care is expensive here. Some people don't have insurance which makes it even more expensive.

2. If you are on medication, arrange to have some extra bottles. Take a copy of the prescription in your handbag as you may be called to show it as you pass through the airport inspections.

3. Bring a copy of your medical records so you can pass them onto your new GP.

4.If you haven't had a full medical lately, get one. You don't want any nasty surprises when you get here. Medical care is expensive in the U.S, with or without insurance.

4. If you haven't had your eyes tested lately, get them tested. If you need glasses, get them in the UK. Glasses in the UK look so much nicer and are cheaper.

<<<<take a breath>>>

Edited February 17, 2013 by Redflame2012

[EminTX 131]

If possible, try to arrange monthly "date nights" with your kid before you leave. My husband's family has "dinner" over Skype with us sometimes. We get/cook the same general foods and put the laptops in the middle of the dining tables in each location and then can enjoy a meal and the conversation while not feeling put-on-the-spot and the shy folks can not feel so shy. We usually do this with roasted chicken and salads and sometimes a desert but anything can work--pizzas and Chinese take-out are both excellent choices.

My husband and I used to watch TV shows together sometimes when divided by the distance. If there is something that comes on at the same time, it is easy or if the Skype connection is good enough, the cam can work, too.

I know the distance can seem so overwhelming. Good luck in finding the right blend of keeping in touch.

[Holly2234 66]

Definitely normal! I was kind of ruthless and just told everybody the deal and left.. But thats was what i had to do. I cant do emotional goodbyes. I just have to run out the door and not look back.

In the early days (i guess we still are in early days!) i felt a bit miserable and was having trouble adjusting to little things that would make me angry. Mostly independence related. Its a big shock from knowing how everything works and being able to get yourself around and then getting stuck in small town America.

But i have a job, i have friends, im learning to drive, im still attempting to figure out health insurance (so are some Americans by the looks of it ) and im generally happier now than i was in the UK. I just had to push forward and force myself out of my comfort zone and get what i wanted. Some of it im still working on but it is all within my reach.

All of this i got because i wanted it and made the effort to go out and get it. You can make it work with your husband in this new place and your son will do just fine. We worry about our kids no matter how old they get or where in the world we or they go so unfortunately nothing will take that away! Just know that its your job to feel that way and be at peace with it.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

God willing I will be starting my new life with my husband in April, I guess the reality has finally started to set in and lately Ive found myself feeling scared and tearful. I NEED to be with my husband and miss him every minute,but the thought of leaving everyone/thing I know and love here feels overwhelming at times. My husband is so supportive he's said we will come back to the UK as much as we can afford,and if I need to get home for emergencies that won't be a problem.

My story has a difficult circumstance in which I am leaving my 14 year old son behind,he wishes to stay with his dad and I respect that. My parents are bringing him over for holidays and he'll soon be old enough to come visit alone.

How on earth do people cope leaving such important people?

Am I alone in feeling scared?

I guess as I pack and give away most of my stuff it just feels very real.

You, my Lady, are a true Mother.

Thank you.

[Holly2234 66]

You, my Lady, are a true Mother.

Thank you.

I second that!

[Flaxen 2]

Thanks so much for posting this Lynn. It's good to read that someone else feels like this. I'm leaving adult children and grandchildren... and every now and then I ask my self 'what am I thinking?'... but every day we skype..and every day I am reminded of why I am doing this!! Being patient is hard!

[NikLR 13,227]

I know how you feel. My daughter wants to stay in Canada with her dad as well. I've had my brother quit talking to me about it, even though he's turning 40 this year and finally is getting his act together with a decent job, a girlfriend he finally proposed to (well the first that's said yes too... ) and an under year old kid. Apparently I should live my life according to him? LOL!!!!

It's hard, and nothing will take that anxiety or fear away. IMHO it's a good thing. To be a good parent we worry about if we are being a good parent. You cannot learn without making decisions that move your life forward. Hopefully it all works out for the best. Trust that it will and make your choices based on knowledge, understanding, and a true comprehension of what you're doing.

Be happy. Love your new life with your husband. Embrace it. It's moving forward.