Some advice

[tany1157 161]

My husband and I are happy to be together, and we enjoy sharing our physical lives together. However, my husband is not crazy about America. He has been working full time for 4 months now, an overnight shift. We are currently looking for a new place to live. He feels discouraged. The way we spend and live in this country makes him feel like he can't get anywhere. He doesn't want to have to go into debt to own anything. He won't do it. He's a city boy, and we live in a suburb. We will move to the city, which will make things a little better for him. Teaching him to drive has been a daunting task, and is taking longer than expected. I could go on and on, but I know others here who have already been through the initial adjustment stage will hopefully understand what I'm trying to explain.

I feel badly for him. I've incorporated his foods in our home, and he cooks as well sometimes. We enjoy being together ( thankfully we have the same days off ) I don't know what to do or say to help him. He is trying to figure things out himself, which is great, but he has this yearning for all of us to go back to Morocco together. He knows that isn't possible, but he actually told me he has no clue about his life right now. He says the only thing he knows is that we have a future together, but how will we live??? he doesn't know. His grand mom is getting sick a lot, and I think he has realized that if something were to happen, he wouldn't be able to just go whenever and stay as long as he needed without money, and without losing his job and starting over when he gets back. He is disappointed at how superficial life seems to be here, and how expensive everything is. I told him that I tried to tell him this before he got here, but he admitted that he didn't "get" it until he lived here.

My husband isn't a complainer. I pretty much had to dig this conversation out of him. I'm not stupid, I know he is homesick. I know he is scared for his family back home. I know he is scared for our future. I know we have dreams that seem impossible right now. I would just like some insight on others who had spouses that didn't like the country they came to, and how things got better. He would love to study, but he is so disappointed at the expense. We know there are grants available, but he would still need student loans. I have told him that no matter how much I love him, that if he hated it here so much that he couldn't live a happy life, I would want him to go home. It is like I feel guilty that he lives where he doesn't want to just to be with me. Has anyone else felt this way? He won't complain to me, but I see the worry in his face. He isn't sleeping well at all. I know it will get better, but he says he has almost been here a year, and he feels like he has done nothing. I think he is being really hard on himself.... What do you all think of this? Thank you guys for the help

[destiny64 222]

I can't give you advice about the adjustment here in the U.S because my husband isn't here yet. I do recall people telling me that you went through a lot to get your husband here, I feel really bad that he's having a hard time adjusting to the U.S It is really difficult I imagine for him to grasp having to pay bills and worry about daily things that weren't concerns in Morocco. Leaving that family unit that he's used to has got to be tough, and I know my husband is going to have a hard time with homesickness as well. I hope some others can help you help him! Best of luck for you both.

[Rebecca616 38]

Before my husband (fiance) came to the U.S. I tried very hard to convey what its like to live here. I live in a small city where there are NO Muslim families that i know of. The mosque is 30 min driving away and there is no public transportation. I dont want to put words into his mouth and speak for him but i will say that not seeing his family and friends everyday like he use to is so hard on him. The first time he went shopping with me he was horrified at the cost of just the few sacks of groceries we bought. He will not go shopping for anything other than essentials for himself. He has not been able to find work yet so the time alone he spends alone while im at work makes me feel terrible. He has gotten his driving permit and actually has a road test on Saturday. Considering what driving is like in Morocco, it was a little daunting at time being along with him driving at first. He is currently taking an English class 4 evenings a week which atleast gets him out of the house to do something. My husband is seriously the most gracious person ive ever known and he will always wear a smile for me and i know he is here just for me and just like you, feel aweful not knowing what to do to help him and make him more comfortable. I know that if circumstances were different on my end, i most likely would have moved to Morocco. Im not really giving any advice here but i know what you're feeling. God Bless you and your family.

[Sarah Elle-Même 660]

Even though my fiance lived in the US for study, I have to say I worry about this too. He has said before he wishes Yemen were safe for foreigners so I could live there instead . But I digress...

I think your husband is definitely being too hard on himself and working overnight shifts probably makes it worse. I used to work overnights and I can tell you firsthand how much of a toll it takes not just on your body's internal clock, but on your mental health and physical well-being. Immigrating to a new country, especially one where your degree(s), credentials, and work experiences don't count for much is very disappointing as well. But so many people have been where he is at right now and through hard work and perseverance they improved their career prospects and became more comfortable in their new surroundings. For the time being I can imagine he's probably stuck in his job but maybe after a year's experience in his current position he can move to more reasonable work hours or apply for a new job. He can take classes at the nearest community college for starters, their tuition is usually quite reasonable. It may help for him to set goals for himself, to reach benchmarks even if they are small, so he feels like he is slowly but surely building up a life here. A great first goal would be to get his drivers license (if he hasn't gotten it already) because being able to get one's self around in a new environment is a great freedom.

In terms of the less glamorous aspects of American culture - I do tend to agree with him. We are as a society entirely too entitled and superficial. And our cost of living is high, although recent political instability in the Maghrib (region - not Morocco specifically) has made life there hard in many aspects as well. In fact, life in every corner of the world brings challenges, it's just the ones we are used to are easier to cope with. His feelings of discouragement are normal and understandable, but as he makes more and more small accomplishments I think he will see there is light at the end of the tunnel. I doubt he needs reminding, but you two have worked so unbelievably hard just to get where you are at now. That was an incredible accomplishment in and of itself and an inspiration to all of us who are still striving just to be together.

Bottom line: The journey isn't over just because he's gotten to America. Life itself is the real journey. The path he has chosen isn't an easy one but it is not insurmountable. It is easy to get caught up in all the things you feel like your life lacks, but what's most important to focus on is meeting your real needs and also being grateful what you do have.

Edited February 14, 2013 by Sarah and Adnan

[sandinista! 1,816]

is he being too hard on himself? even without the enormous ####### you guys went through with the consulate and everything, it's hard to get used to being married, living together, and living in a brand new, very different place. does he fully admit this to himself, and view his current position in the proper context? is he viewing where he should be, after having arrived here only nine months ago, with completely unrealistic and self-defeating expectations? that would depress anyone. there are big societal things, big family things, and smaller personal issues all at play here, all combining to make him miserable. some of those things are completely and totally out of his control, and despairing over them won't get him anywhere. they just are. but plenty of other things he can control, and actively work towards achieving changes he wants. those achievements are helpful in gaining acceptance, and living at peace with the things he can't change or eliminate.

Edited February 14, 2013 by sandinista!

[visaqueries 111]

Your post has really spoken to my heart. I think there are so many of us out here who are worried about the same issue--how will our spouses (future spouse for me) adjust to the reality of a new culture? I think I spend almost as much time thinking about that issue as I do about how in the world we will get our visa journey completed.

I play on a co-ed soccer team. One of the men on the team is a friend from Uganda. He came as a young boy to the US, but he talks to me about the adjustments he's still making. I ask all the time how he and his wife manage it. The husband is very social, and one thing I notice about him is he has maintained friends from all over the world. One friend is from Iraq. Another is from Indonesia. There are others I've not met who come from other areas. That has been great for them because they can often share with each other how different living in America is from living in their country. They've formed their own support group in a way. Their connection is not that they come from the same country but that they are all foreign to the every day life of America. I really enjoy sitting with all of them and listening to their adventures from home. For them, I think it is therapeutic as well. They get to reminisce with others who understand how hard the transition has been.

Another thing I'm working hard to find are places in my town that provide activities my fiance does in his country. He's a shisha smoker. It's not my thing, but I've done the research and found places that sell his kind of tobacco, and I've looked for places he can go to sit and relax with others who enjoy this pasttime. I also have googled every mosque in the area. I'm trying to find ones where he might feel comfortable. Somewhere on Facebook I also found a group that was formed from my town that was for Egyptians. They have meetings and get togethers all the time. I'm hoping, if he's interested, that we could go to enjoy that. Like you, I have begun compiling recipes for his comfort food. I hope that enjoying some comforts from home will make him feel better. (I know how excited I was when we were in Egypt, and I found a place that cooked steak, steamed vegetables, and mashed potatoes.)

Despite all the research and work I'm doing to try to help him transition well, I am still well aware that moving away from his home and family will be incredibly difficult. I will continue to do my best to help him find things that not only interest him but will also help him to form bonds and joyful experiences while here. And, without question, I will find ways for him to have contact with those back home on a daily basis if possible.

I'm not in your position yet as my fiance is still many miles away, but I truly feel our family will have the same transition issues that you are experiencing. I will continue to look back at this post because, really, I feel it is such an important one. I wish you and your husband the best with the homesickness he feels. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

[rodceasar 34]

Your post is really deep! I have dealt with similar issues with my wife, who comes from E. Africa. She has finally adjusted. It takes almost 2 years for many to begin to get comfortable here. Yes, everything here is expensive, especially housing and food and for most from Africa, this is crazy. My wife still takes about community life in Africa, where fresh grown produce can be free or at little cost. I think many can't see a future free of debt here and not having to dedicate your life to work vs. family and living.

I almost told my wife about this before she decided to marry and come here but noone can believe it until they get here. TV is not real and I had to teach my wife that while in her ocuntry. We are not rich here as you might think! They also feel out of place. I think you're on target by helping him learn to drive. Eventually, he will connect with someone else from his region. My wife now is focusing on driving and obtaining her nursing certificate. This is the course to the right path. She knows that, although it's challenging in the US, it's still going to provide better opportunities for her.

Also, about a year into her being here I promised to sponser a couple of her relatives to visit for a month. About 6 months prior to here being in the US for 2 years, I brought her grandmom and aunt, who were both like parents to her here to help my wife in being away from her family so long. We could have gone back there, which we eventually will but this was more cost effective and didn't require me to take time off work without being paid. I handled everything including visa application, fees and more. She was very grateful and her family was able to see what life here is like. I'm sure, they were ready to leave prior to their departure date becuase life is so different. At home, they wake up to their farmland and life and life is easy, affordable and they produce much of their own food and have cattle. A trip to the grocery store here, along with seeing all the bills I have, they really tried to convince me to leave the US and move to Africa. However, things always look greener on the other side and whther the US or Uganda, challenges are still there.

Main point is to hang in there and try to do eveythoing possible for success. I used to think about how much I brought to the table over the course of time pursuing my wife, traveling to her country every 4 months, finacial asisstance every couple of weeks, etc. But I had to think about how much she lost, which was not finacial in nature, but leaving her home, family and friends.

[msheesha 548]

Tany,

I agree with Sandinista about the reality of the situation; there are a ton of factors going on. Adjustment is tough! I also agree with the person who talked about the overnight shift being tough.

Here are some things I know that helped my husband - having a mindset that he was going to adjust/adapt no matter what. There are positives and negatives in any place, so encouraging him to focus on the positives can be a help. It seems like he's idealizing Morocco right now because he misses it - there had to be things about Morocco that he disliked. This may seem juvenile or simplistic but have him write a list of the things he didn't like about Morocco, and the things he likes about America.

My husband said keeping busy helped. Doing things he liked doing helped. When he was homesick, doing Moroccan inspired things, or cooking Moroccan food didn't help - it only made him miss Morocco more. When he was feeling down about not being in Morocco, we did something that he really liked here, so he could be reminded about what he liked about here.

If you're able to, I would take the stress of teaching him to drive out of the relationship and send him to some kind of driving school. It will help him gain better skills without you being in the role of teacher.

I hope he's feeling better soon; if I think of anything else, I will post it.

[Mithra 1,185]

Adjustment can be VERY tough and it can take a long time. My husband wouldn't always tell me when he was feeling down or homesick. Like you, I had to pry it out of him. He would just kind of mope and lay around and even not eat very much. He was depressed. He didn't like his first jobs here either. That was when he could find a job. I'm just letting you know that it will take some time. Babying him won't necessarily help things. Moving around won't necessarily make things better either. Actually babying him and moving him will only enable him to feel sorry for himself and feel like all he has to do is run away from his problems. Helping him become more independent will help him much, much more. Good luck.

[sandinista! 1,816]

Seconding the driving school, OMG, yes.

[Ismael&Blair 66]

Thanks for this post because it's hits home & these are all valid thoughts and concerns in keeping a strong marriage.

I cannot offer too much advice because my husband is not here in America yet either. But I think the best is to communicate and talk it out and have short-term plans & long-term plans.

Make a goal that perhaps both of you two or he will go back for visits to his family. Best wishes and hope you guys had a nice Valentine's Day!

[Mithra 1,185]

Agreed. I wish I had thought of driving school back when I was helping my husband learn. It would've saved me a lot of stress and anxiety. It didn't take long for him to learn and get his license but whoa was it ever stressful. I still get stressed when he drives lol.

I re-read your initial post, let your husband know that "getting nowhere" in 9 months time is pretty normal. Moving to a new country and getting used to a whole new lifestyle (including a ready made family) is obviously going to take some time. I think, much like many of our spouses, that his expectations are/were way, way too high. So many men come here filled with the idea that money comes easy and they'll be set quickly and easily. Yeah, it doesn't work that way. My husband had to learn that the hard way. It took YEARS for him to get it. Not months, years. He even went out of state to work thinking that would help him make a lot of money quickly. It didn't but he had to find that out for himself. We've had some really rough times over the past 6 yrs. Times where I thought we'd never make it. Your husband really needs to give it more time. 9 months is nothing.

Seconding the driving school, OMG, yes.

[MIBEN 83]

Seconding the driving school, OMG, yes.

Lol one week of driver's training and using their car for practice and testing was so worth the money not to mention the stress we avoided for each other. My hubby is actually a good driver and accepts my input to improve. The best thing you can do for him is be understanding and suggest things to keep him busy, if you notice his expectations are too high I quickly put myself in his shoes and explain if it was me in Morocco it would be just as challenging for me If not more. I really encouraged my hubby to volunteer for the Parks and Recreation department and a church group.

Take things easy and trust that it will get better but help it along a bit...

Good luck

[msheesha 548]

What about some kind of training like this, in lieu of expensive schooling?

It would give him something tangible to focus on, put him in a professional setting, and I'm assuming (?) make him more employable - also potentially expose him to jobs that may be more likely to provide tuition assistance for longer term goals.

http://www.redcross.org/pa/philadelphia/local-classes/nursing-assistant-training

Or, if he likes animals, something like this ---

http://www.massasoit.mass.edu/workforce_development/CommEdfall2011pdf/VetAssistantFall2011.pdf

Just some ideas, not sure if they make sense for him...

[Staashi 371]

I re-read your initial post, let your husband know that "getting nowhere" in 9 months time is pretty normal. Moving to a new country and getting used to a whole new lifestyle (including a ready made family) is obviously going to take some time. I think, much like many of our spouses, that his expectations are/were way, way too high. So many men come here filled with the idea that money comes easy and they'll be set quickly and easily. Yeah, it doesn't work that way. My husband had to learn that the hard way. It took YEARS for him to get it. Not months, years. He even went out of state to work thinking that would help him make a lot of money quickly. It didn't but he had to find that out for himself. We've had some really rough times over the past 6 yrs. Times where I thought we'd never make it. Your husband really needs to give it more time. 9 months is nothing.

Girl, I feel the same way.

Tany, do you remember when people told you how getting the visa was the easy part, and that living here was the hard part? This situation comprises those moments for me. The love shared via the phone and computer is so sweet...no driver's license or job really needed. But, oh God, when they get here and you try so hard to make them comfortable, assist them...and don't even get me started on how much you pray for them! As a Catholic, I said so many Hail Mary's and lit candles for as long as I can remember.

These are the moments when your heart truly breaks...when you realize that although it is awesome to have them here, you really are powerless to improve their life. Oh, you can guide them, but some things are out of your hands - and they tend to be the most important ones like a job, money, ______ you fill in the blank. Keep the faith - you can do it!

Good luck! I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.