Advice for the USC?

[BOS_LHR 829]

I've done some reading on this board, and as the future USC petitioner for a foreign spouse, even I'm a little nervous! I want to do anything and everything I can to make my partner's transition to US living as painless as possible. It's really important to me that I be supportive in every way that I can, and part of that is being prepared. To that end, I'm asking the community: what did your spouse do for you to make your new life easier? What do you wish he/she would've done?

[Caryh 5,206]

Well I'm the USC, but a few things I can mention that you should be doing.

Find out your state rules for obtaining a drivers license, permit and/or ID card. Then make sure you don't miss any open window before it closes. The ability to get around independently is very important.

Find the places that will have food items from their homeland. This was a huge thing for my wife and still is.

Find where the people from their home country meet. They might have cultural societies, it might be a local pub. But the ability to make a few friends that can relate to their home can often mean a lot to them.

Find out if your bank is going to give you problems adding a new immigrant without an SS card to your accounts. If they are, truly verify if its the rule or assumption of some low level teller. Change banks or open an account in a bank that is more accommodating.

Assuming you'll add your new spouse to your health insurance, work through the problem you may have adding them without an SS card before hand by getting the real rules. This is more to save you headaches. But possibly they'll have their SS number before this is an issue.

Set up the ability for them to be able to contact family back home whenever they feel the need.

Put cash in their hand. They may feel uncomfortable drawing money from a joint account you set up, because they're not putting anything in it. Straight out giving them cash that is their's to spend as they please can be a comfort to some. They don't have to use the joint account and then face the worry of saying I spent this much here for this. No one really likes to feel they have to report spending, so make if so they don't need to feel they have to.

Prepare to be the strong one and not react badly when they start to. Maybe they won't, maybe they will, but often being stuck unable to work and get around with everything different can make for a very moody spouse. Imagine how you'd feel if everything you new changed and your ability to feel independent were gone. Do your best to be able to get away from work more than you expected, just to be there and do some special something when your spouse needs a pick me up. I'm very happy with my boss for giving me a lot of freedom in that area. It made my spouse feel she was special and important in my life.

[cathy2904 97]

I am the beneficiary. I have been here just over a year now and have been surprised at how easily I have settled down. So far, no major meltdowns! But some things have been important. Little things like closet space. My husband is beginning to realise that I need a lot more room than he does. He has indulged my Skype and Facebook habit and he has not complained at the disappearance of his 'knick knacks'. I think he is delighted with the rearranged kitchen cupboards and new cooking gadgets. Not to mention the home-cooked meals.

I was used to being financially independent and at first he found it hard to understand my hurry to have a cheque book and a credit card. I was frustrated at not being able to have a card in my own right but somehow I now have a higher credit score than him!

My husband was happy for me to spend some time being a lady of leisure because I had left a busy, stressful job but he understands that getting a job was a big part of being able to feel like I belong here.

We are both originally from the UK, from the same town in fact. We belong to a Brit Meetup group and we buy PG Tips and Marmite - I love it, he hates it.

I am very lucky that he usually works from home and so he was around all day when I was first here. I never had chance to feel lonely.

Edited February 13, 2013 by cathy2904

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

I think supplying him with British beer, chocolate and proper cheese would really help. Lots of affection wouldn't go amiss either

[TBoneTX 46,156]

This is in regard to a purely mechanical aspect that will make "official" parts of life go much more easily. Before he leaves his country, have him obtain every formal document that he possibly can, and preferably in multiple copies. These include birth/divorce certificates, the same for children if applicable, university or school records, medical/dental records, vaccination records (optimally on doctor's or clinic letterhead with an official stamp or original signature), military records if applicable, and anything else that you can think of.

Also, have him renew his driver's license (or procure one) as close to his final departure date as possible. Before the visa interview, have him renew his passport for the longest period possible.

The rationales are these:

1. Some of these documents will be needed for further immigration steps. Others will come in handy during the process of getting a state driver's license, getting a job, and traveling later.

2. You want everything "with an expiration date" to be as fresh as possible. For example, what a relief not to have to worry about an expiring passport.

3. Beneficiaries who don't drive in their home countries should do everything they can to get a driver's license there. There's nothing worse than being housebound in a strange new country, and they should be able (depending on state rules) to drive in the U.S. for at least a while with use of their foreign license.

4. It's probably far easier to obtain (copies of) these documents now than it would be later, from overseas. Some countries require the applicant to show up in person to get a copy of an official document.

You'll find that handling these details locally will remove a lot of pressure, anxiety, and irritation once the beneficiary is in the U.S., si man.

[JandRP 1]

This is in regard to a purely mechanical aspect that will make "official" parts of life go much more easily. Before he leaves his country, have him obtain every formal document that he possibly can, and preferably in multiple copies. These include birth/divorce certificates, the same for children if applicable, university or school records, medical/dental records, vaccination records (optimally on doctor's or clinic letterhead with an official stamp or original signature), military records if applicable, and anything else that you can think of.

Also, have him renew his driver's license (or procure one) as close to his final departure date as possible. Before the visa interview, have him renew his passport for the longest period possible.

The rationales are these:

1. Some of these documents will be needed for further immigration steps. Others will come in handy during the process of getting a state driver's license, getting a job, and traveling later.

2. You want everything "with an expiration date" to be as fresh as possible. For example, what a relief not to have to worry about an expiring passport.

3. Beneficiaries who don't drive in their home countries should do everything they can to get a driver's license there. There's nothing worse than being housebound in a strange new country, and they should be able (depending on state rules) to drive in the U.S. for at least a while with use of their foreign license.

4. It's probably far easier to obtain (copies of) these documents now than it would be later, from overseas. Some countries require the applicant to show up in person to get a copy of an official document.

You'll find that handling these details locally will remove a lot of pressure, anxiety, and irritation once the beneficiary is in the U.S., si man.

Thank you for enlightening us. This is really helpful as my driver's license will expire in June. Again, Thank you.

[ThailandToIndiana 11]

I'll be taking my wife to the States in about 3 weeks. The countries we've traveled to together around southeast Asia are nothing compared to the States and I'm sure there's going to be an adjustment period. The main thing for her, I think, is going to be being away from her family. Her three female cousins live with her parents and I bought an iPad for them. This way she can easily stay in touch with them via Skype. Heck, she can talk to them all day, everyday, and it won't cost us anything.

Something else I'm doing is sending an email to my family members (parents, sisters, etc) explaining to them what my wife will be going through and telling them what culture shock is. My family has never traveled outside the U.S., so they're clueless when it comes to that.

My hope is that with regular interaction with her family, along with empathy shown to her from my family, it will make the transition a bit easier on her. Of course, I also want to keep her mind occupied by taking her shopping, sightseeing, etc, but not so much that it overwhelms her.

Edited February 17, 2013 by ThailandToFlorida

[EminTX 131]

http://lifehacker.com/5606282/how-to-be-the-perfect-host-in-the-21st-century

Go to this site and download the How-To-Be-The-Perfect-Host packet to print out and fill out. It is similar to the ones you see in hotels with the nitty-gritty details in it.

For anyone visiting you (or moving in to your home!!!), it will provide the details that make all the difference--things like how to work the remote controls, when is trash day, any quirks in the home, getting online, etc.

It is also a good thing to make maps--I did several--very close up and then in all 4 directions from our home plus bus routes.

In my husband's first week or so here, we did some bus-exploring and have repeated this here at there to refresh his memory and to keep his comfort level for using the bus.

Searching out and finding where your other half can obtain familiar types of things is great. Here in Houston, for example, most international folks shop at a Latino-themed chain called Fiesta. Depending on the location, you can find some seriously awesome items. There is one that is about 15 minutes from our home where my husband found his freaky ingredients for making a traditional drink from his culture. This chain carries stuff from almost every country that has any sizable population around here.

I was surprized but for my husband, going clothes shopping was a great thing. JC Penney had a great sale right before Christmas and he went crazy with the volume of purchases.

Walking-distance-eateries are good to stake out. My beloved really, really, REALLY loves Sub-Way and there is one that is about a 1/4 mile walking distance so he can bug out whenever he wants to for some fresh air and munchies. We have a favorite taco-wagon, too. (These are especially great since they often cheap and good places to meet your neighbors.)

[EminTX 131]

I wanted to add..honestly, the single best adjustment-helper was my husband's return to his country for 5 months. It was awful to be separated for that time 4 months after we got married, but in the long run, I think it might have been the biggest help in our new marriage.

In his first 4 months, he was missing his family, home, hobbies, friends, freedom, foods, etc. He was adjusting, but wasn't aware of it and there was a lot of friction about how sad he was about missing his home and culture.

When he went back for that final semester of college, he was missing cornbread, hot water in every faucet on demand, Sub-Way and Vietnamese sandwiches, fresh baked bread at home, cookies, going to the movies with me every week, having the whole house to ourselves, the cat, green grass everywhere, etc. He even called me one night begging me to make some corn bread and send it to him.

That time back there showed him just how much richer his life had become with his wife and the opportunities here that we have in our circumstances. I am sure the sudden lack of "physical fun" was a drastic shock to someone who was used to having that all the time was a big factor, too.

Since his return 7 weeks ago, there hasn't been a single comment about how much he misses being back home or life there. He knows that I really want to be able to send him home when he wants it, too but with a baby on the way, that is financial priority number one. He is very well aware about how stressed I am about making enough money for us so I think that also has reduced his lamenting when he knows it only causes friction.

[TBoneTX 46,156]

Here in Houston, for example, most international folks shop at a Latino-themed chain called Fiesta. Depending on the location, you can find some seriously awesome items. There is one that is about 15 minutes from our home where my husband found his freaky ingredients for making a traditional drink from his culture. This chain carries stuff from almost every country that has any sizable population around here.

Si, man. Also, and with a decidedly Mexican theme, remember La Michoacana (several locations). It has a more intimate atmosphere than Fiesta (he can meet people), and a serious magazine selection (albeit heavy on the soap/novela choices), si man.

[TBoneTX 46,156]

That time back there showed him just how much richer his life had become with his wife and the opportunities here that we have in our circumstances.

Since his return 7 weeks ago, there hasn't been a single comment about how much he misses being back home or life there.

Oh, absolutely, si man. Mrs. T-B. was wild to return to Ecuador and wanted a 7-week trip. Halfway through that, she was inquiring to me about coming home, for the reasons that you state so well. Adjustment happens whether they (or we) think it's happening or not. Edited February 19, 2013 by TBoneTX