Yours. Mine and Ours

[Alfia & John 10]

Gary,

You need to write a book. Change that, you have written a book, it is documented in the pages of VJ.

Thanks my friend. You and Alla are the lighthouse for all in this program.

[baron555 934]

but Elena is worried about safety, there have been many recent news report about shootings in schools, ect...

Teach them to shoot.

But she also said she may continue to home school her daughter and never send her to an American school.

My idea is to do home schooling for a year, and then send her to regular school

I agree with Gary, regardless of the bashing the American Educational system takes; for the good school districts (do you know what ranking yours is???) they actually know their stuff.

For a teenager, with possibly some learning disadvantages, there are some really powerful systems out there that can do more than you guys can at home. Period.

I know that Alla is amazed, sometimes amused, at the teacher-parent interaction and communication, on a daily basis....and he's only in half day Kindergarten.

Of course we are involved daily in his education (the other half of the day he attends Mom's School). Wait until next year and he's in full day 1st Grade!!

Do your homework in this regard. Call the school district and discuss this with them. Tell Elena about what you find out and make some decisions now......but if you feel this is the best bet, then you will have to be the Man and just tell her that we will do it. It is for the best of the child. She must trust you. My Alla and I discuss most everything together and usually make collective decisions, but, especially when she first got here, many times I made the final decision.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Do your homework in this regard. Call the school district and discuss this with them. Tell Elena about what you find out and make some decisions now......but if you feel this is the best bet, then you will have to be the Man and just tell her that we will do it. It is for the best of the child. She must trust you. My Alla and I discuss most everything together and usually make collective decisions, but, especially when she first got here, many times I made the final decision.

Yes, agreed.

The key here is that the mother needs to believe you're making a decision/suggestion in the best interest of the child. When you have handled the immigration issue carefully and trouble free, when you have done your homework about their life here and the education for the child, when you have prepared everything for her and the child and done well at it...she will trust your other decisions, at least to try them.

This is why I get so crazy when people cannot seem to do anything but check a status report 5 times a day expecting something to change. I can only imagine what would have happened if our conversations during the process had consisted of

"No news again today Sweetheart, I checked 5 times, if I do not hear something soon I am going to start calling my Senator!"

Better to say "I met with the school counselor today and discussed Pasha's education. I am going to a school open house next week and will meet with the ESL teachers. I met with the grant board at St. Micheals College and gave them the info they needed for your grant" Who would you trust? Who is the DO-er? Who is just so much "blah, blah, blah"?

If you are one of those guys that posts "After 298 days... I-129f approved! What now?" She isn't going to trust your decision about her child.

[baron555 934]

The key here is that the mother needs to believe you're making a decision/suggestion in the best interest of the child.

If you are one of those guys that posts "After 298 days... I-129f approved! What now?" She isn't going to trust your decision about her child.

Touche'

If this isn't your first child, then you may know about this stuff already. If not, then get out of the house and go visit and learn learn learn.

This is the hard work that Gary mentions so often about. If the mother sees you putting forth the effort for her child.....get your heart checked because your evenings will be very active !!!

Trust me, I know. I did / still do the same for my new son (my first child) and wouldn't want it any other way.

[baron555 934]

Elena and her daughter are coming to America in June/July 2013.

thanks,

chris

Why wait so long? I believe that their interview will be in a couple of months. School registration for the Fall occurs in the Spring, so get cracking on your homework.

Find other Russian women who live near you, or in your state of FL. She will want to speak with them to verify your homework.....it's all about networking and trust but verify.

You'll earn big points by doing a bunch of work now before they come; even if Elena doesn't want to make any decisions until she comes. Enroll the child now, when it's time; you can always change later.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

If the mother sees you putting forth the effort for her child.....get your heart checked because your evenings will be very active !!!

Trust me, I know. I did / still do the same for my new son (my first child) and wouldn't want it any other way.

Touche!

I neglected this part and ended up with four new coronary arteries!

It is true. On my first visit to Ukraine after meeting Alla by chance, I brought a new laptop computer for Sergey as a "congratulation" gift as he had just been accepted to a very prestigious university. If I had spent 10 times as much on something for Alla, it would not have had the affect of that gesture for her son. Now, OUR son. When she knows you mean the best for the child she will be very receptive to trying what you suggest.

This is not about bribery or gifts, it is about the fact that she is scared for her child and needs to fell that you love and care for her daughter as well as her. Gifts alone will not do it, taking an interest, running interference (so to speak) doing all the stuff she can't do right now, that is what will matter.

And I promise you it is a SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better way to spend the time waiting for the visa. You will actually feel like you are accomplishing something and time will just fly by.

These people will be your family and will always look to you for advice if you have been the guy that always helped them. And I promise you, when you are the guy that needs help (and that day will come) they will be there for you!

Edited February 18, 2013 by Gary and Alla

[james&olya 1,121]

I would not worry about shootings in schools. More kids are killed by falling off bicycles. As tragic as it is, it is very rare in terms of percentage of children. It is not a rational fear given such dangerous things as crossing streets.

That aside, I would NOT recommend home schooling for this child. AT ALL. That will NOT improve her English. Our son spoke very little English when he arrived, entered regular school the second day here and within 3 months was promoted from 8th grade to 10th grade, moved from an ESL class to an ELL class (a step up) and by the end of the first school year was out of special English teaching altogether. 4 years later he has a 3.998 GPA and an A+ on Creative Writing. Alla is an educator by training, and spent several years teaching junior high level Russian and English in Ukraine, beginning during the Soviet Union. She thinks home schooling is ridiculous and is appalled it is allowed to the degree that it is in this country. I know many people defend it and think it is great. I do not disagree with them, per se, but in this case I cannot see it would help this young woman.

If she has special needs, then get her into some alternative schooling appropriate for her. Check it out in your community. Go to your regular school, get a meeting with a counselor, NOW, and get started on this. A 15 year old needs to GET AWAY from home, and get away from Russian language as much as possible and immersed in English as much as possible. Keeping her in home schooling is probably the worst thing I could imagine for her. Take her 6000 miles away and bottle her up in the house? At least the educational professionals can evaluate her and give you the best alternatives.

This is not just my opinion (which would be worth little in this matter) but it is a well accepted approach to teaching children a new language and culture. Immersion.

I would also make plans on her going to college and not accept any thoughts of NOT going to college. Simply not acceptable thinking to limit their future.

Rather look on the bright side...this girl will be a dual citizen of two very important countries in world affairs, she will be bi-lingual Russian/English, she will have an education in both languages. Play your cards right and this "developmently delayed" child can have a world class education and have employers embarrasing themselves with the offers they give her.

It will be important for YOU, the native English speaker, to spend time with her and help her with the language. It will be an every day thing, plan on it. That can be your "home schooling" I worked with Pasha 2-3 hours every night for months. You just have to do it and you may as well enjoy it. For us, the weather was still pretty good and we sat on the big front porch every night. Did his homework, worked on our English lessons (assigned by Alla, conducted by me as Alla worked on HER homework from her college) He helped me, I helped him.

I also have no doubt that this period increased our bond and has made me the "go to guy" for anything he needs. I mean, look, you are taking this girl from her life and friends and there is nothing in it for her (in her opinion). You just dropped a grenade in her entire world! So you have to be the good guy, you have to be the guy that she admires. She has to think "no wonder Mom wanted to marry this guy!" You can NEVER lose your cool and NEVER say things like "go back to Russia if you don't like it!" No matter what she says or how she acts, she is scared to death right now(at best) and you simply cannot be anything BUT a good guy or this is all going to blow up in your face. And do not forget that YOUR relationship with her mother can live or die by the relationship you have with her daughter.

Being a good guy for her daughter will make you GOLD in her eyes as well, there is nothing better you can do for HER than be a good father/father figure to her daughter.

In the essay Pasha wrote for his college applications, he was quite blunt about his feelings about being hauled off at age 13, but he also described how he has come around, learned new things and now has a better future and that now he sees his mother did the right thing for him, even though at age 13 he only thought he was losing his friends. Nothing much more than that matters to a 15 year old.

Having raised four children (all boys) I can offer my own opinion, and it is just that, that your fiancee should expect more from her daughter and not make excuses for her. Be demanding, insist on the best, insist on the hard path. Not the easy way out. "This is going to be hard and you can do it!"

Let the boys bring home a report card with a 3.93 GPA and she wants to know why it is not 3.95! At 3.998 there was little she could say! Now he is being to accepted to any US university he has applied to. Imagine if we had doubted his ability to go to college when he arrived here.

I hope you two will consider other alternatives for her daughter. I wish her the best also. Aim high and even if she does not achieve that goal, she will do well.

I was going to post a long reply but Gary has said it all so well. I will just add a

[BatmanUSA 105]

Hi, thanks for all the advice...

None of the shootings are around here, not even close... It just seems that its always the bad news that travels around the world so fast...

She sees how good my son is and safe at school...

I think a lot of it is just nervousness on her part and I am sure once she is here, she will feel better about it.

[baron555 934]

I think a lot of it is just nervousness on her part and I am sure once she is here, she will feel better about it.

She also may be being bombarded by negative vibes from those around her plus the UA Visa Journey forums she may read on.

My wife was and was one of the reasons I seized the advantage when Gary's Alla was visiting Moscow (to visit with Sergey who starting school there and who my Alla had helped with some document I don't remember).

My Alla was able to pump Gary's Alla for information and verification of what I was telling her about life here in the US.

There are many here on VJ, my wife especially, who would be glad to give your gal a phone call or Skype call to chitty-chat. My wife does it all the time, especially to gals already here.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

She also may be being bombarded by negative vibes from those around her plus the UA Visa Journey forums she may read on.

My wife was and was one of the reasons I seized the advantage when Gary's Alla was visiting Moscow (to visit with Sergey who starting school there and who my Alla had helped with some document I don't remember).

My Alla was able to pump Gary's Alla for information and verification of what I was telling her about life here in the US.

There are many here on VJ, my wife especially, who would be glad to give your gal a phone call or Skype call to chitty-chat. My wife does it all the time, especially to gals already here.

Your Alla helped Sergey with getting his Russian police certificate. Since he had spent more than 6 months in Moscow he needed a Russian police certificate in addition to the Ukrainian one. I think Alla met up with him and took him to the place. As I recall, she lived near his campus. Things fade with time...or maybe age

The two Allas (Allii ?) (Alla squared! OMG!) met up for coffee somewhere. Meeting other Russian women for coffee or tea is a part time job for Alla especially when we are in Russia or Ukraine.

[randye80 24]

Homeschooling is very popular where we live. My take, and it just may be my opinion only, it seems to be a great way for overprotective parents to ensure that their kids are even more socially and emotionally stunted than they would be normally. I agree with Gary that this is precisely what this girl does not need.

My Belerussian wife got her teaching credential in special education last year, and she has been working in a high school since September. School district finances notwithstanding, know that you just don't mess with special ed programs. They will cut adminstrators before they cut back these programs.

Become one of THOSE parents. Let them know that you are an advocate for your child, and you expect them to be too.

Your daughter will get specialized attention like you won't believe. Any accomodations that she needs. They will prepare a specific program for her sucess, and will try hard to show improvement along the way.

The kids who don't make are the ones that just don't give a #######, and their parents don't care either. If you and your wife are involved as parents, and your daughter is willing to get with the program and try, this will be like hitting the lottery for you.

And absolutely do not give up on college.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Homeschooling is very popular where we live. My take, and it just may be my opinion only, it seems to be a great way for overprotective parents to ensure that their kids are even more socially and emotionally stunted than they would be normally. I agree with Gary that this is precisely what this girl does not need.

My Belerussian wife got her teaching credential in special education last year, and she has been working in a high school since September. School district finances notwithstanding, know that you just don't mess with special ed programs. They will cut adminstrators before they cut back these programs.

Become one of THOSE parents. Let them know that you are an advocate for your child, and you expect them to be too.

Your daughter will get specialized attention like you won't believe. Any accomodations that she needs. They will prepare a specific program for her sucess, and will try hard to show improvement along the way.

The kids who don't make are the ones that just don't give a #######, and their parents don't care either. If you and your wife are involved as parents, and your daughter is willing to get with the program and try, this will be like hitting the lottery for you.

And absolutely do not give up on college.

Thanks! Great post! It is true, and the OP's fiancee should know, that she simply cannot match the resources which would be available to her. She will be taught by people specially trained in teaching people with challenges, including language challenges. Pasha gives a lot of credit to his ESL teacher whom he had for only 3 months. A native of Colombia she spoke no Russian, doesn't need to. She teaches them how to use ENGLISH.

We worked closely with Pasha's counselors all through high school and even with his college applications, also I cannot stress enough the importance for these young people of peer interaction. THAT is what they lost by moving here and THAT is what they are upset over. Get her in a girls sport or activity...there are SO many. Music, theatre, sports, chess club...ANYthing!

Follow what is going on yourself. There is a dance this Friday? Take her to it! Arrange activities for her. We bought a season pass for skiing (Pasha loves snowboarding) and we would go every Sunday. We have the minivan with seats for 6, so Pasha could invite 3 friends (most people who ski around here have season passes so it was no extra cost) It was much more interesting for him to have 3 friends there than be with THE PARENTS!!!!!! They would ride in the car in absolute silence and text each other so we couldn't hear what they say

Yeah, this girl needs to be thrown in the deep end and made to swim. She will.

[BatmanUSA 105]

Hello,

you have all given me great advice, and I will use it...!!!

My 16 year old son is taking honors math and science courses, as well as being involved in band and Marching band. It is safe and he has many friends.. My fiancé knows this and also when we Skype, the kids are included in our conversations. So they know we have a great school system and the kids are safe there...

I wanted our daughter to start immediately in the public schools, but my fiancé wants to take some time to help her daughter with the adjustment phase.., and to have her have a basic understanding of English before she starts public school... The school does not offer Russian as a foreign language so I do not know how they would teach her English.. But after all your advice, I will go to the school (this week) and ask how they would do this..:-) thanks again for all the advice..!!!

I think our daughter is very smart and will learn English quickly, and I know the benefits of immersing her in American language and culture would be the best way to get her going...!! and I agree that she can go to college and do very well...

Of course I Love my fiancé and our daughter... She already says that she will be happy to have me as her father.. I have repainted her bedroom with the color of her choice, new carpet, and bedroom furniture all as she wants it.. She is such an amazing young woman and I will give her all and treat her the same as my biological son.. My son is also very happy to have new additions to the family. He knows his sister Loves to watch our dog run and play, so on Skype, my son will run around with the dog and the laptop so she can watch the dog.. I Love to see her eyes light up and the sparkle in her eyes and the huge smile on her face as she watches.. This relationship is more than what I ever imagined, it is absolutely the best thing in my life.. :-) I could go on...

Having her home school for the first year was a compromise.. I am thinking that when they arrive, as they see how things are here, they will feel more comfortable. and I will have all the information from the school so we can review and discuss it.. and I hope Elena will understand and agree to send our daughter to public school, the same school my son goes to..

I am trying to understand, but honestly, I can not imagine how nervous I would be if I was taking my child and moving to another country and he didn't speak the language or understand the culture.. I remember my first trip to Russia.. Hell, I was nervous.!! but I trusted my heart, and put all my faith and trust in this woman, and it was just incredibly amazingly awesome.. so I know she feels the same about me...

Thanks again for all the advice.!!! I will use it..!!

[james&olya 1,121]

I am trying to understand, but honestly, I can not imagine how nervous I would be if I was taking my child and moving to another country and he didn't speak the language or understand the culture.. I remember my first trip to Russia.. Hell, I was nervous.!! but I trusted my heart, and put all my faith and trust in this woman, and it was just incredibly amazingly awesome.. so I know she feels the same about me...

I am sure they are feeling some stress but it isn't the same for them moving here as it would be for us going there. Think about it, how many movies and TV shows did you watch daily growing up depicting a positive aspect of life in Russia? They know a lot more about our culture than we do theirs, My wife knows American pop culture much better than I do. She has seen more American made movies than I have. I had never seen a movie made in Russia till I met her.

I do understand exactly how you felt going to Russia! I will never forget it, especially since I grew up during the peak of the Cold War. Do you remember ''duck and cover'? Not only that but I was an officer in the USAF in the 70's into the 80's. Knowing the plane was entering russian airspace was quite an experience!

You are doing all the right things. Good luck!

[baron555 934]

How about having the daughter begin to take English classes over there now, while they wait?