Yours. Mine and Ours

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I am a parent. I'm proudly smiling all the time as you should be with all the accomplishments of your step children.

-I was just wondering why you don't talk about your other sons. I wasn't even aware you had other sons until yesterday, and yet I know every detail about your step children. (quote, TMMA)

Thank you TMMA. Unfortunately some people felt they did not want a thread discussing immigrant children and families at an immigration site and muddled things until the thread had to be closed. We will try again

I have FOUR wonderful sons and photos of ALL of them are at my profile and always have been. I also have two incredible grandchildren (both boys) and they are featured there as well. So far 3 out of 4 have masters degrees. The oldest is a Superintendent of Parks and Recreation for a large Chicago suburb. Son number 2 has a Master's in English and is a university English teacher. Number 3, Sergey, I have spoken about and also Number 4, Pasha (high school senior)

I certainly have nothing to hide, however the main part of my discussion regarding children has been about Sergey and Pasha for a number of reasons. We are a "blended family" as are a lot of others here at VJ and we have sons, children, who were relocated to a new country/language/culture. I just feel that their accomplishments will be of most interest to other VJ members as opposed to native speaking, native born US citizen children.

We also had the fairly unique situation of having Sergey complete his masters degree in Russia while he was a US permanent resident. THAT has been of interest to many members, not only that, but both Alla and Sergey walked into US advanced degree educations with private scholarships to pay for it as permanent residents. YES, it can be done. All of this has been useful to other VJ members and their children. It will NOT get done by checking case status reports and "Igor's list"

There are a lot of Ukrainian women (and this is the RUB forum) who are apprehensive about relocating their children. Like other mothers, I am sure yourself, they do not concern themselves with timelines and case status too much, but worry about preparing for their children's new life. They have met a guy they want to marry, but they do not want to destroy their children's opportunities...and educational opportunities in Ukraine are very good. Of course what I talk about affects families from other countries, but Alla and the boys are Ukrainian and this is where other Ukrainian women will look. They like to compare notes in their native language sometimes and Alla has spoken to many other VJ members wives and even met some of them in Ukraine or Russia. Even helped one with her interview (she was there at the same time as Sergey for his K-2) and she flew back with another one.

We feel like our marriage has been a valuable asset to our family, to both Alla and I and to the boys. She would like to help other people and so would I. VJ guided me through this process, so why not? And any of the other wives that have talked to her will tell you, she is "no nonsense, direct and to the point" like many FSU people/women. She will give them all the "pluses and minuses" and would never get a job for the US Chamber of Commerce

In addition to thinking children are the best thing in life (maybe grandchildren, you can wind them up and give them back ) It is always my hope that other members from Ukraine, Russia or anywhere, but especially where they come from different language and culture, will see that YES, my children CAN do well. There is no guaranteee, of course, here, there or anywhere.

In fact, all of us, Alla, Sergey and I, believe that Sergey's combination of both US and Russian education will be a major advantage to him in the future. In his field of science that is true. Pasha has just excelled and there is no other way to describe it, though Alla always worries because he is not a "geek" like Sergey. He scares her with his interests in sports and cars and such. He is the typical American teenager, not a studious bookworm, but he has a 3.998 cumulative GPA so far! He is efficient. He won the Governor's Math Olympiad when just a sophmore and received a $1000 scholarship for that. He has already collected more than $10,000 in scholarships. Believe me, it is worth the time to search them out and apply to them. There is no job or investment that can return as much. He was just awared $4,500 from a private scholarship fund for which we spent perhaps 8 hours preapring the application. Who is going to pay you $4500 for 8 hours work? There are thousands of scholarships available, search them out and dig for them. We will apply for more over the nextcouple of months (most have April 1 deadlines, latest)

Every college Pasha has applied to has accepted him. Yet, he spoke little English when he arrived just over 4 years ago and I worked with him every night to improve his English and translate his homework (he improved my Russian in the process)

All four boys are doing well, two own their own homes, two have very good careers and another is well on his way. Pasha is only beginning but he has an excellent start. We are proud of all of them. We consider ourselves pretty lucky.

I really believe that for most of us, the best thing we can do in life is to affect the lives of our children. They are a big responsibility and a 24/7 job. But if you make them the greatest pleasure in your life, you will always be happy because they will always need you. As they get older they still need you, but for different stuff, and at any age the parents are, or should be, the role model for what they will do on the future. It is easy to grasp that when they are 9, but it is important when they are 30 also.

We love and value our children all the same. 2 of them have had experiences that are relevent to VJ members.

Best of luck to you and your children, TMMA

[ndu26 114]

I love this post. so different from the everyday immigration issues we share here.

I am definitely interested in a general overview of how to go about seeking out scholarships for kids though.

Thanks for sharing.

[james&olya 1,121]

I am a parent. I'm proudly smiling all the time as you should be with all the accomplishments of your step children.

-I was just wondering why you don't talk about your other sons. I wasn't even aware you had other sons until yesterday, and yet I know every detail about your step children. (quote, TMMA)

Thank you TMMA. Unfortunately some people felt they did not want a thread discussing immigrant children and families at an immigration site and muddled things until the thread had to be closed. We will try again

I have FOUR wonderful sons and photos of ALL of them are at my profile and always have been. I also have two incredible grandchildren (both boys) and they are featured there as well. So far 3 out of 4 have masters degrees. The oldest is a Superintendent of Parks and Recreation for a large Chicago suburb. Son number 2 has a Master's in English and is a university English teacher. Number 3, Sergey, I have spoken about and also Number 4, Pasha (high school senior)

I certainly have nothing to hide, however the main part of my discussion regarding children has been about Sergey and Pasha for a number of reasons. We are a "blended family" as are a lot of others here at VJ and we have sons, children, who were relocated to a new country/language/culture. I just feel that their accomplishments will be of most interest to other VJ members as opposed to native speaking, native born US citizen children.

We also had the fairly unique situation of having Sergey complete his masters degree in Russia while he was a US permanent resident. THAT has been of interest to many members, not only that, but both Alla and Sergey walked into US advanced degree educations with private scholarships to pay for it as permanent residents. YES, it can be done. All of this has been useful to other VJ members and their children. It will NOT get done by checking case status reports and "Igor's list"

There are a lot of Ukrainian women (and this is the RUB forum) who are apprehensive about relocating their children. Like other mothers, I am sure yourself, they do not concern themselves with timelines and case status too much, but worry about preparing for their children's new life. They have met a guy they want to marry, but they do not want to destroy their children's opportunities...and educational opportunities in Ukraine are very good. Of course what I talk about affects families from other countries, but Alla and the boys are Ukrainian and this is where other Ukrainian women will look. They like to compare notes in their native language sometimes and Alla has spoken to many other VJ members wives and even met some of them in Ukraine or Russia. Even helped one with her interview (she was there at the same time as Sergey for his K-2) and she flew back with another one.

We feel like our marriage has been a valuable asset to our family, to both Alla and I and to the boys. She would like to help other people and so would I. VJ guided me through this process, so why not? And any of the other wives that have talked to her will tell you, she is "no nonsense, direct and to the point" like many FSU people/women. She will give them all the "pluses and minuses" and would never get a job for the US Chamber of Commerce

In addition to thinking children are the best thing in life (maybe grandchildren, you can wind them up and give them back ) It is always my hope that other members from Ukraine, Russia or anywhere, but especially where they come from different language and culture, will see that YES, my children CAN do well. There is no guaranteee, of course, here, there or anywhere.

In fact, all of us, Alla, Sergey and I, believe that Sergey's combination of both US and Russian education will be a major advantage to him in the future. In his field of science that is true. Pasha has just excelled and there is no other way to describe it, though Alla always worries because he is not a "geek" like Sergey. He scares her with his interests in sports and cars and such. He is the typical American teenager, not a studious bookworm, but he has a 3.998 cumulative GPA so far! He is efficient. He won the Governor's Math Olympiad when just a sophmore and received a $1000 scholarship for that. He has already collected more than $10,000 in scholarships. Believe me, it is worth the time to search them out and apply to them. There is no job or investment that can return as much. He was just awared $4,500 from a private scholarship fund for which we spent perhaps 8 hours preapring the application. Who is going to pay you $4500 for 8 hours work? There are thousands of scholarships available, search them out and dig for them. We will apply for more over the nextcouple of months (most have April 1 deadlines, latest)

Every college Pasha has applied to has accepted him. Yet, he spoke little English when he arrived just over 4 years ago and I worked with him every night to improve his English and translate his homework (he improved my Russian in the process)

All four boys are doing well, two own their own homes, two have very good careers and another is well on his way. Pasha is only beginning but he has an excellent start. We are proud of all of them. We consider ourselves pretty lucky.

I really believe that for most of us, the best thing we can do in life is to affect the lives of our children. They are a big responsibility and a 24/7 job. But if you make them the greatest pleasure in your life, you will always be happy because they will always need you. As they get older they still need you, but for different stuff, and at any age the parents are, or should be, the role model for what they will do on the future. It is easy to grasp that when they are 9, but it is important when they are 30 also.

We love and value our children all the same. 2 of them have had experiences that are relevent to VJ members.

Best of luck to you and your children, TMMA

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I love this post. so different from the everyday immigration issues we share here.

I am definitely interested in a general overview of how to go about seeking out scholarships for kids though.

Thanks for sharing.

Always check the availability at the school they choose. All colleges have scholarships available, usually from endowments and such. They also receive grants which can fund education (usually for post graduate studies)

Google is your friend. Google "scholarships for..." and just use your imagination. Try "Nigerians", new immigrants, African Americans,LPRs, ____________________ (name of major, engineering, medicine, etc)residents of _________________ (name of state, city, county)

There are THOUSANDS of them. Read through them, see which ones you qualify for, make notes and come back to those. Follow the application instructions. Be prepared to write essays! Be aware that many of them are very narrow in scope and you will not qualify...read on.

I promise you it is a part time job, but the highest paying part time job you will ever have. Involve the student, have them search also. This is so much more rewarding than checking the USCIS case status.

I am not kidding when I say Alla started a MA program 5 days after arriving with a 50% private grant from the University. That took nearly as long in progress as her K-1 but paid HALF her MA degree at a private university. Total value, $32,000! Oh yeah...better than checking the USCIS status updates!

Alla never asked about the case status, she DID ask how the education planning was going

[Alfia & John 10]

Thanks Gary and Alla, Thanks!!

[Wokka 0]

Thank you Gary for posting this.

I shared this with my fiancee, who has a 9 year old daughter. She appreciated reading about the success of your Ukrainian sons very much. It offered more comfort with her decision to relocate her child.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Thank you Gary for posting this.

I shared this with my fiancee, who has a 9 year old daughter. She appreciated reading about the success of your Ukrainian sons very much. It offered more comfort with her decision to relocate her child.

Congratulations on receiving the bouns of a child with your fiancee. I never raised a girl but always wanted one so I could clean my shotgun when her boyfriends came to pick her up. Hehehehe.

Get prepared to get her in school right away and work with your local school administration. They will have ESL instruction if needed and starting her with an English tutor now would be a godo idea.

Besides school, something that helped Pasha a LOT was being on the basketball team, he was excitied about a school sports team and I think they learn the language as well from interacting with peers as they do in the classroom. Get her involved with something. It is best if YOU can be there. I went to Pasha's practices and games. Help her with her school work and you will create a bond, she needs to understand "hey, this guy is alright, he does good things for me" At age 9, things are pretty basic. You be a good guy, be a cool guy, always be cool Don't get upset and make "scandals". Be the rock. She will see you are the go-to guy. You will score many ore points doing things for the little girl with your wife, than you could by doing anything for your wife directly. Good fathers are GOLD.

The children are scared and worried and Momma can't help them too much. I think Pasha's essay for college entrance said it all, he was very upset at having been ripped from his surroundings to a place "where animals run wild in the roads" and he finally determined to make the best of it, "make lemonade from lemons" he said. He concentrated on learning the language, doing well in school and making his life as best as he could. There is a lot of independence in his writing and it is great!

To be honest, Alla wanted him away from the influences in Donetsk. She was very afraid he was falling in with the wrong people and wanted him out of that environment. Seems to have worked. He admits now that YES, there really are better opportunities for him and YES it is good to have parents who care about you. At 13, they are the hardest to teach because they know everything!

She will do well, just get some things lined up for her and get her started right away with activities

[Elxan 4]

Congratulations on receiving the bouns of a child with your fiancee. I never raised a girl but always wanted one so I could clean my shotgun when her boyfriends came to pick her up. Hehehehe.

Get prepared to get her in school right away and work with your local school administration. They will have ESL instruction if needed and starting her with an English tutor now would be a godo idea.

Besides school, something that helped Pasha a LOT was being on the basketball team, he was excitied about a school sports team and I think they learn the language as well from interacting with peers as they do in the classroom. Get her involved with something. It is best if YOU can be there. I went to Pasha's practices and games. Help her with her school work and you will create a bond, she needs to understand "hey, this guy is alright, he does good things for me" At age 9, things are pretty basic. You be a good guy, be a cool guy, always be cool Don't get upset and make "scandals". Be the rock. She will see you are the go-to guy. You will score many ore points doing things for the little girl with your wife, than you could by doing anything for your wife directly. Good fathers are GOLD.

The children are scared and worried and Momma can't help them too much. I think Pasha's essay for college entrance said it all, he was very upset at having been ripped from his surroundings to a place "where animals run wild in the roads" and he finally determined to make the best of it, "make lemonade from lemons" he said. He concentrated on learning the language, doing well in school and making his life as best as he could. There is a lot of independence in his writing and it is great!

To be honest, Alla wanted him away from the influences in Donetsk. She was very afraid he was falling in with the wrong people and wanted him out of that environment. Seems to have worked. He admits now that YES, there really are better opportunities for him and YES it is good to have parents who care about you. At 13, they are the hardest to teach because they know everything!

She will do well, just get some things lined up for her and get her started right away with activities

Gary and Alla,

Thank you for sharing all this good useful thinks for couples that have kids.

What you would recommend for kid (almost 18 months) and my spouse that will hopefully join me here in US by mid of summer time?

How i may ease their life here by making them comfortable and guiding them to opportunities that are hidden?

(thanks for opening and posting in this topic, i have strong belief that you can help me, thanks )

ps: I have petitioned for them, and got it approved, so our papers are in NVC stage now.

[baron555 934]

Gary and Alla,

Thank you for sharing all this good useful thinks for couples that have kids.

What you would recommend for kid (almost 18 months) and my spouse that will hopefully join me here in US by mid of summer time?

How i may ease their life here by making them comfortable and guiding them to opportunities that are hidden?

(thanks for opening and posting in this topic, i have strong belief that you can help me, thanks )

ps: I have petitioned for them, and got it approved, so our papers are in NVC stage now.

Not Gary and Alla here but Phil and Alla.

Leonid was 2 when he came here. Ensure you know his dietary requirements, set the child up with a pediatrician, ensure you have children's medicines available, look at the local park district for activities for the very young ones....you want to get them out and about with other kids. Buy educational type toys at garage sales and maybe some clothes.....actually wait until your fiance comes here and turn her on to those. Get some Pre-K educational DVDs....the Leapfrog series are excellent.

Edited February 16, 2013 by baron555

[Tanya and Barry 59]

Great Post, Gary. You have done well by your family...

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Not Gary and Alla here but Phil and Alla.

Leonid was 2 when he came here. Ensure you know his dietary requirements, set the child up with a pediatrician, ensure you have children's medicines available, look at the local park district for activities for the very young ones....you want to get them out and about with other kids. Buy educational type toys at garage sales and maybe some clothes.....actually wait until your fiance comes here and turn her on to those. Get some Pre-K educational DVDs....the Leapfrog series are excellent.

Phil is the guy for the recomendations on very young children. Getting them acclimated and involved is important, as Phil says. Not really different for older children either. Languae will not be a problem for an 18 month old.

We feel VERY strongly about maintaining the Russian language in our home. Alla is a languagae teacher by training and yes, it can be frustrating being corrected on my Russian...and English!...frequently

We have come to the practice of me ALWAYS speaking English to the children and Alla ALWAYS speaking Russian to the children. (Since my "Russian is so horrible") I get them to speak Russian to me.

At first we had an English ONLY policy until Pasha was doing well and now we are more concerned about him not "stagnating" at the level of language he had when he came here. He speaks with Sergey in Russian enough and also communicates by skype with friends in Ukraine.

With a young one, use both languages and they will pick it up as easily as being natives. Does your husband speak Russian? His country is former Soviet but may of the Asian Republics have not maintained Russian at all. Alla does a lot of interpretation for FSU citizens and immigrants who also speak Russian even if it is not their primary language. Many of her clients are Georgians, Armenians, Uzbecs, Tajik, etc.

For your husband, discuss what he wants to do and you need to lay the groundwork and find out about that particular interest so you can help him when he comes. Alla wanted a degree in English from a "native English country" when she arrived. That is what we worked on getting her into. Pasha needed to get in school, of course, but also needed language help and to acclimated to life in the US. I worked on schools and activities for him, talked to him. He liked basketball, fairly popular in Ukraine, but not as much as here. I worked with the school and the coach...could they find room on the team for a Ukrainian kid with no experience but a big desire to play and make friends and learn English? You bet they could! We signed him up in an "outdoor club" through the school. They learned canoeing, kayaking, rock climbing, rope climbing in the forest, archery, rifle shooting, etc. Very inexpensive fun and interaction with other kids and good for language learning.

Discuss with your husband what he wants, what he expects (often expectations have no resemblence to reality)what he THINKS ABOUT. He is going to be living in the US, he is going to become a US citizen. WHAT does he think about that? In the movie "Hunt for Red October" the defecting ship officers were discussing what they would do in America. One said "I want to live in Montana, marry a fat American woman, have chickens and drive a pick-up truck from state to state with no papers...can I do that? State to State? No papers?"

Does he like skiing? Alla loves skiing, so we bought her a ski set up when she arrived. Alla said "Can I have a rifle? I want my own rifle. I always liked shooting in school and I want my own rifle" So she has her rifle and a membership to a local gun club ($50 per year, unlimited range time) and many a warm Saturday afternoon is spent at the range. She joined a gardening club when she arrived to meet local people. She is in a "dance club" and they have weekly danicng at various locations, ballroom daning, swing dance, etc. It is her excerise and she prefers it to aerobics. Swimming? She loves swimming and we live on a lake...but the lake is ice a big part of the year and we can only swim in the lake for 2 months of the year. We she can swim in the lake, she DOES, almost every day. For other times she has a health club membership, very reasonable in price and they have a warm pool. She swims 1 or 2 times per week. She loves to walk and in good weather we walk almost every evening...sometimes on trails in the forest, sometimes downtown, along the lakefront (there is a bike/walking path that goes right across our property and goes for many miles in each direction)It is such a pleasure for us to walk out our back door, get on the path and walk downtown, blah, blah, blah all the way, get an ice cream on the boardwalk, do a little window shopping and just walk back. It fills the evening and costs about $5.

Find what interests he has and work on ways for you two to enjoy it together. When he gets here, you will have plenty to do.

[BatmanUSA 105]

I Like this topic..

I have a question/looking for advice..

Elena and her daughter are coming to America in June/July 2013.

My Elena has a 15 year old daughter who is, Developmentally delayed"... I know this can mean many things so let me try to explain. She did not speak until she was about 4 years old.. She is slow to learn new concepts and has difficulty retaining new information. She attends a special school in Russian where she learns, basic math, and language but they focus on arts and crafts.. She said she does not think her daughter will ever attend university..

we Skype for 2-3 hours, about 4 days a week. Over the past year, I have seen her daughter learn and retain some English...

Her plan is to home school for daughter for the first year to teach her English and give her time to become acclimated to this new country. But she also said she may continue to home school her daughter and never send her to an American school.

My idea is to do home schooling for a year, and then send her to regular school. She would go to the same school as my 16 year old son, but have different classes.... I think by going to an American school, her daughter would learn, and use, more English. Also she would develop more social skills, learn American customs, and maybe make some friends...

but Elena is worried about safety, there have been many recent news report about shootings in schools, ect...

I would appreciate any thoughts/advice/suggestions...

thanks,

chris

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I Like this topic..

I have a question/looking for advice..

Elena and her daughter are coming to America in June/July 2013.

My Elena has a 15 year old daughter who is, Developmentally delayed"... I know this can mean many things so let me try to explain. She did not speak until she was about 4 years old.. She is slow to learn new concepts and has difficulty retaining new information. She attends a special school in Russian where she learns, basic math, and language but they focus on arts and crafts.. She said she does not think her daughter will ever attend university..

we Skype for 2-3 hours, about 4 days a week. Over the past year, I have seen her daughter learn and retain some English...

Her plan is to home school for daughter for the first year to teach her English and give her time to become acclimated to this new country. But she also said she may continue to home school her daughter and never send her to an American school.

My idea is to do home schooling for a year, and then send her to regular school. She would go to the same school as my 16 year old son, but have different classes.... I think by going to an American school, her daughter would learn, and use, more English. Also she would develop more social skills, learn American customs, and maybe make some friends...

but Elena is worried about safety, there have been many recent news report about shootings in schools, ect...

I would appreciate any thoughts/advice/suggestions...

thanks,

chris

I would not worry about shootings in schools. More kids are killed by falling off bicycles. As tragic as it is, it is very rare in terms of percentage of children. It is not a rational fear given such dangerous things as crossing streets.

That aside, I would NOT recommend home schooling for this child. AT ALL. That will NOT improve her English. Our son spoke very little English when he arrived, entered regular school the second day here and within 3 months was promoted from 8th grade to 10th grade, moved from an ESL class to an ELL class (a step up) and by the end of the first school year was out of special English teaching altogether. 4 years later he has a 3.998 GPA and an A+ on Creative Writing. Alla is an educator by training, and spent several years teaching junior high level Russian and English in Ukraine, beginning during the Soviet Union. She thinks home schooling is ridiculous and is appalled it is allowed to the degree that it is in this country. I know many people defend it and think it is great. I do not disagree with them, per se, but in this case I cannot see it would help this young woman.

If she has special needs, then get her into some alternative schooling appropriate for her. Check it out in your community. Go to your regular school, get a meeting with a counselor, NOW, and get started on this. A 15 year old needs to GET AWAY from home, and get away from Russian language as much as possible and immersed in English as much as possible. Keeping her in home schooling is probably the worst thing I could imagine for her. Take her 6000 miles away and bottle her up in the house? At least the educational professionals can evaluate her and give you the best alternatives.

This is not just my opinion (which would be worth little in this matter) but it is a well accepted approach to teaching children a new language and culture. Immersion.

I would also make plans on her going to college and not accept any thoughts of NOT going to college. Simply not acceptable thinking to limit their future.

Rather look on the bright side...this girl will be a dual citizen of two very important countries in world affairs, she will be bi-lingual Russian/English, she will have an education in both languages. Play your cards right and this "developmently delayed" child can have a world class education and have employers embarrasing themselves with the offers they give her.

It will be important for YOU, the native English speaker, to spend time with her and help her with the language. It will be an every day thing, plan on it. That can be your "home schooling" I worked with Pasha 2-3 hours every night for months. You just have to do it and you may as well enjoy it. For us, the weather was still pretty good and we sat on the big front porch every night. Did his homework, worked on our English lessons (assigned by Alla, conducted by me as Alla worked on HER homework from her college) He helped me, I helped him.

I also have no doubt that this period increased our bond and has made me the "go to guy" for anything he needs. I mean, look, you are taking this girl from her life and friends and there is nothing in it for her (in her opinion). You just dropped a grenade in her entire world! So you have to be the good guy, you have to be the guy that she admires. She has to think "no wonder Mom wanted to marry this guy!" You can NEVER lose your cool and NEVER say things like "go back to Russia if you don't like it!" No matter what she says or how she acts, she is scared to death right now(at best) and you simply cannot be anything BUT a good guy or this is all going to blow up in your face. And do not forget that YOUR relationship with her mother can live or die by the relationship you have with her daughter.

Being a good guy for her daughter will make you GOLD in her eyes as well, there is nothing better you can do for HER than be a good father/father figure to her daughter.

In the essay Pasha wrote for his college applications, he was quite blunt about his feelings about being hauled off at age 13, but he also described how he has come around, learned new things and now has a better future and that now he sees his mother did the right thing for him, even though at age 13 he only thought he was losing his friends. Nothing much more than that matters to a 15 year old.

Having raised four children (all boys) I can offer my own opinion, and it is just that, that your fiancee should expect more from her daughter and not make excuses for her. Be demanding, insist on the best, insist on the hard path. Not the easy way out. "This is going to be hard and you can do it!"

Let the boys bring home a report card with a 3.93 GPA and she wants to know why it is not 3.95! At 3.998 there was little she could say! Now he is being to accepted to any US university he has applied to. Imagine if we had doubted his ability to go to college when he arrived here.

I hope you two will consider other alternatives for her daughter. I wish her the best also. Aim high and even if she does not achieve that goal, she will do well.

[BatmanUSA 105]

thank you very very much !!!..

I agree that this child can go to university and I believe she can do anything she wants....

how do I convince an overprotective Russian mother that her daughter will be safe and can actually achieve great things in an American school.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

thank you very very much !!!..

I agree that this child can go to university and I believe she can do anything she wants....

how do I convince an overprotective Russian mother that her daughter will be safe and can actually achieve great things in an American school.

You have to be "the MAN". She has to trust you completely. It is her child and she is scared to death about her child. She wants to marry you and worries all night about if her decision is good for her child.

You need to be preparing for both your fiancee and the child. Handle the visa process correctly and smoothly, get all that nonsense out of the way...and it is nonsense...and get prepared for LIFE. Visit your local school system, they will be glad to talk to you about what they can offer. See what the experts tell you. Your fiancee has to believe it is the best thing for her daughter.

I will caution you on something else, and this is just my opinion. When children are involved or if a couple wants to have children, it is very important for the child(ren) and for the marriage that the PARENTS have similar goals and intentions for children. Regardless your biological relationship (and biology has so little to do with parenting)you will be the PARENTS of this child and if you have different goals and intentions that is not going to be good for the child or the marriage. You will never be number 1 in your wife's heart...forget that and settle for number 2 (number 3 if she has a dog) The children will be number 1. She would throw you under a bus to save the children...and that is how it should be. Recognize that and make the children number 1 also, your wife will be OK with that, I promise.

The children cannot see you disagreeing about what is best for them (better they do not see you disagreeing at all)The children have to believe you think the same about them and that BOTH of you are there to help them. Sergey calls me as often as he calls Alla, maybe more. Pasha definitely calls on me more than Alla. They both know if they need something, anything, they can go to me and I can help them without having to "check with Mom" If Mom disagrees with something I do she will not over-rule me with the "he is MY son" poison. We don't drink that poison in this house. If she disagrees she will go along with what I say and talk to me about it later. I would never do anything to HURT them, that is understood. The boys do not think they can go to Mom if they do not like something I say. There is no "escape" from the PARENTS. No wiggle room.

Basically she has to believe YOU are the MAN she wants you to be for her and for her daughter. Your fiancee is clearly not a very young woman (with a 15 year old, she is probably mid-late 30's so she has recollection of the Soviet Union) And 35+ women with a daughter are not a hot item in Russia for the marriage market. I am not saying anything here that is a national secret. She may be as hot as $2 six-shooter, but the men run like rabbits when they find out she has a teenage daughter! If she is honest she will tell you that. YOU accept her and her daughter, you love her, you want to marry her and be with her all her life...not just have sex and say "goodbye". YOU have a lot of "equity" already.

Be her man, be the person that makes her comfortable and sure you care about her child and want the best for her child. Assure her that you see great opportunity for her child.

Anyone that has talked to Alla will tell you that she feels this change in her life has "A lot of pluses and a few small minuses" That's LIFE, isn't it? But she will also tell anyone that one of the biggest pluses has been the educational and career opportunities for the children. Sergey would have been just fine with a Doctorate from MIPT and he could have had that either way...but add in dual citizenship and a doctorate from a university in a native English speaking country and the kid has a magic carpet to success in the future almost anywhere in the world. To a mother, that is a "plus" that is pretty unbeatable. It is also, for the FSU woman, the important stuff. Not weather I am thin or have wavy hair or I am rich. Be the good husband and father, THAT's what she wants. When she believes that she will at least give your plan a try.