The Sin Sot Issue

[westmeetseast 7]

I would recommend not having a discussion with your Thai wife as she will most likely say 'up to you' because she won't want a controversy. It was mentioned initially for a reason...it is her desire that this happens. Following the 'happy wife, happy life' theory, it is a small investment in your future happiness and it is to make her feel good about marrying outside her culture. You sound like a good man and will find some way to work this out. I did not have the cash available when my wife came to the USA but when we return to Thailand for our marriage, we will have sinsot and a full blown Thai wedding.

[slowlyman 118]

Read Thailand Fever found on Amazon.

You need to figure out what is best for your exact situation. Or you can have these people telling you to simply turn over 100K baht send you 90% of that amount.

As soon as you marry a Thai your traditions change. If not your wife is put in a very difficult position which will affect you as well. This is about Thai tradition as well as saving face for your wife.

There are many things that affect the amount paid. It could be zero or it could be 1 million baht. I have seen farangs pay both amounts. My husband paid zero. There have been no problems with my mother who has become his mother as well. They truly learned to love each other. My husband is the one that decided what we would do. We continue to take care of our mother and will do so until she dies. She knows this and says she is happier than she ever has been. In the end this will cost more than a simple sinsot payment but the real question is about what one would pay for a mother.

You should consider carefully what you think you could afford. If thats less than they ask for it will have to do. You have a life time to do other things as you see fit.

This is simple. Do what you think is right with consideration to Thai culture. The Thais in the family will sort this out. Make some effort that will allow them to save face by telling family and friends something was done. No matter what you do it will not be seen as enough by some. They wont take into consideration that you are about to provide a life time of support and love for two members of their family. That aspect they really dont understand as you do. They dont have to be concerned with the future.

Sound advice Thanks

[slowlyman 118]

I would recommend not having a discussion with your Thai wife as she will most likely say 'up to you' because she won't want a controversy. It was mentioned initially for a reason...it is her desire that this happens. Following the 'happy wife, happy life' theory, it is a small investment in your future happiness and it is to make her feel good about marrying outside her culture. You sound like a good man and will find some way to work this out. I did not have the cash available when my wife came to the USA but when we return to Thailand for our marriage, we will have sinsot and a full blown Thai wedding.

"UP TO YOU" is exactly what I heard when I started questioning it. She is controversy averse.

We do have time. We went to her home town today to talk with the elders about setting up what appears to me to be a public announcement of the engagement. Afterward she suggested she could work to help offset the cost of the Sinsot. Again she seems content to put the Thai wedding off for a while.

[Andy and Pui 16]

Just like the others have said have her talk with her family, I think something can be worked out.

When Pui first told her family about me it did not go well her parents. Her Mom did not speak with her for close to a month. Pui was able to talk to her brother's and sister's during that time. They were able to come to an agreement and her Parents were good with that. What was decided was 100,000 baht and she could leave Thailand for 1 or 2 years and then for both of us to return and pay another 100,000 baht and 5 pieces of gold with the 5 pieces of gold being returned to us. During that time Pui learned something about her oldest Sister that she did not know: she could speak English.

We were planning on going back much later this year or early next year to get married but her Dad is not feeling good and has failing kidneys and at this point he does not want dialysis and is not doing good. Pui will be returning later this month and I will follow later in April to finish the other 100,000 and 5 pieces of gold and then both of us return. Her family does not want her to go because her primary job will only allow her to be gone for 2 weeks for them to hold her job because she is just a contractor there but she wants to go because it is her Dad and as she said "I only have 1 of them". Pui has told her family there will not be a big wedding and from what it sounds like there is no problem with that because as she said "I already had a big wedding in America". I have a feeling it will still be a bigger wedding then she and I think just because she has a large family but we will see. Since the plan was to have the pieces of gold returned to us Pui was going to talk to her family when she gets there about only having two pieces which would be our wedding rings we got here in America before we got married here. If they still want 5 we will get 3 more. My Mom will also be going to the wedding in Thailand.

As for Pui's job she has put in her 2 week notice. The first day she spoke with her supervisor he said we can only hold your job for 2 weeks other wise you will have to apply all over again when you return. Two days later he came and talked to her and said before you leave let me know so I can give you my business card and call me when you come back and another supervisor came up and said the same thing. I think when she returns and calls them she will be getting her job back because I do not think two supervisors would have said call me when you come back. She also has another part time job at Target and they are letting take a leave of absence so she can return to that job when she returns.

[anya-D 8]

Did any of you know that in Thai wedding, guests, especially family, normally give cash as gifts? Especially relatives, they will help out with the wedding by giving money as a gift. So some wedding, those cash paid for the entire ceremony (or at least half of it). My parents paid for our wedding but by the end of the day, it was only about $500 total for 300 people in BKK.

Just an FYI for those that have the ceremoney in Thailand.

For Sinsod - my husband and his family had a rough time about the idea at first. We explained to them what it was meant so my husband just bought the gold necklace and all other money were from my parents and my grandmother (for show). The gold was actually bought from my saving and we sold it back to buy my plane ticket later.

Sinsod is different in each family. Some family, the sinsod meant the thanks for the bride's parent that took care of the bride's to become a women worth marrying. It could be for some family, the money to take care of the bride's parent because the bride will no longer be able to take care of them (move far away). Some family, the money is to show the bride's parents that the groom know how to save/manage money, enough to be able to take care of their precious daughter. In some family, the money goes for the bride to keep as her pocket money (long time ago when women doesnt work and depend on her husband to take care of her). But now, for a lot of family, it's just a tradition that we had and the money were given back to the couple as a start up money.

If you have a problem with the amount. Talk to them what is acceptable to you. If you have a problem with the idea of it, talk with your fiancee and also her mother why you feel that way.

good luck

-- havnt been here for so long I almost forgot my log-in

[ThailandToIndiana 11]

Everyone's situation is going to vary, and there's no real "right answer."

Having said that, my wife and I had a pretty big wedding...300+ people, radio station, dancers, DJ, 1 main wedding cake and 12 other cakes, tons of food, et cetera. Needless to say, it was a BLAST and something we can look back on with enjoyment. All the wedding guests registered upon getting to the party (IE: signed a book) and gave money. It was quite a bit of money and my wife and I decided to let her parents keep it all since they had done so much helping to prepare for the ceremony and the party that evening.

During the evening party, my wife and I went around to all the tables to get photos with everyone, during which we were presented with envelopes full of money. I was surprised at this and let my wife keep all the money to do with as she pleased.

At the morning ceremony I gave 200,000 baht sin sot, which was later given back to me, and 2 baht of gold (1 baht gold necklace and 1 baht gold bracelet), which I put on my wife and she still has.

In the two years we've been married, I've sent my wife's family a little money here and there to fix up their house. They live in a simple house that is nice, but not extravagant. Some improvements were made to the kitchen and yard. We just send them a little more money to help them improve the bathroom (to modernize it), roof, and interior. We'll likely give them a few thousand over the next few years to finish their house, which I'm fine with. I'm glad I can help them because they're such nice people and my wife is their only child. Having happy in-laws means I have a happy wife, which means I am happy as well.

In addition to helping them fix up their home, I provided 200k baht so they could lease 5 rai of farmland from my mother-in-law's sister, which they use to grow and sell rice. The lease is good for 7 years, at the end of which they will either renew the lease or return the money to me (I don't really care which they choose to do..."up to them" as the saying goes).

What you should keep in mind is the cultural difference. When Americans marry one another, they generally become their own separate family. However, when you marry a Thai, you marry her family as well. Frankly, I got lucky because my in-laws are so great. I shutter to think what I would have done if I had in-laws like some people describe. Best of luck to you!

[slowlyman 118]

UPDATE

I just got back from a three month visit with the GF and her family. The Sinsot issue is unresolved, but we are still moving ahead with the Visa. Hopefully things will sort out in time.

[Greenshoots 2]

1.) Sin Sod is a bona fide part of Thai tradition. You should confirm this by doing some research online, as you are here. 2.) Just do what you can in terms of your budget. Your fiance is probably Buddhist and will accept your decision and not apply a negative judgment to you, since doing so would not be Buddhist. Everybody's finances are unique, so just do your best.