The Sin Sot Issue

[slowlyman 118]

I realize this is a bit off topic for this forum, but there are a limited number of places I can post this question to people who have actually been through it.

The issue of Sinsot has always been laying in the bushes, and my gf has never made it a pre-curser to marriage. But now with the Visa process well under way, she has mentioned we should at some point give Mamma a gift of 100,000 or so.

My position has always been. Sinsot is not my tradition. I take care of my girlfriend and her daughter. She and her sisters take care of Mamma. One of her sisters is Married to a German, and he has refused to pay anything to mamma. It would appear she is getting family pressure to get something out of this farang.

I'm really torn on what to do. Obviously I love her and I don't want to cause her any stress with her family. On the other hand, It's a good chunk of money. Money I really can't afford to be handing over to someone.

Any personal experience you would like to share would be appreciated.

[Karee 4,190]

I realize this is a bit off topic for this forum, but there are a limited number of places I can post this question to people who have actually been through it.

The issue of Sinsot has always been laying in the bushes, and my gf has never made it a pre-curser to marriage. But now with the Visa process well under way, she has mentioned we should at some point give Mamma a gift of 100,000 or so.

My position has always been. Sinsot is not my tradition. I take care of my girlfriend and her daughter. She and her sisters take care of Mamma. One of her sisters is Married to a German, and he has refused to pay anything to mamma. It would appear she is getting family pressure to get something out of this farang.

I'm really torn on what to do. Obviously I love her and I don't want to cause her any stress with her family. On the other hand, It's a good chunk of money. Money I really can't afford to be handing over to someone.

Any personal experience you would like to share would be appreciated.

This is a pretty common issue when marrying a Thai. I'm not sure if you've had a wedding party yet, but what I've seen some people do is to present the money at the wedding party so it looks good to everyone else (Which is really what it's all about) and then the family gives it back. I know this sounds odd to Americans, but I have seen it done quite a few times.

In our case we didn't have a wedding party. We married pretty quickly thanks to the coup in 2006 and the military govts. rule on on living there on tourist visas. My wife's parents were fine with it, as long as their daughter was happy. I didn't pay any sin sot. I do pay for my niece's private school every semester. Her parents ask for the occasional 4k Baht here and there. Maybe once a year. I'm fine with that.

Welcome to VJ by the way.

[ToddT 1]

I can relate…

My wife's family expects one. We've had many discussions about this issue and it's still unresolved.

I have a coworker who married a Thai lady and they both advised me that I shouldn't be expected to pay a sin sod for many reason...

[Karee 4,190]

I can relate…

My wife's family expects one. We've had many discussions about this issue and it's still unresolved.

I have a coworker who married a Thai lady and they both advised me that I shouldn't be expected to pay a sin sod for many reason...

If the family is expecting one, you can bet it's going to much more than a Thai man would pay.

One the other hand, you could use this as an opportunity. Pay the sin sot, and say "that's it" I'll never send any money after that.

Edited February 9, 2013 by Karee

[Karee 4,190]

I realize this is a bit off topic for this forum, but there are a limited number of places I can post this question to people who have actually been through it.

The issue of Sinsot has always been laying in the bushes, and my gf has never made it a pre-curser to marriage. But now with the Visa process well under way, she has mentioned we should at some point give Mamma a gift of 100,000 or so.

My position has always been. Sinsot is not my tradition. I take care of my girlfriend and her daughter. She and her sisters take care of Mamma. One of her sisters is Married to a German, and he has refused to pay anything to mamma. It would appear she is getting family pressure to get something out of this farang.

I'm really torn on what to do. Obviously I love her and I don't want to cause her any stress with her family. On the other hand, It's a good chunk of money. Money I really can't afford to be handing over to someone.

Any personal experience you would like to share would be appreciated.

Ohh, you might want to show your country as Thailand in your profile. That way your posts will show up in the Thailand portal.

[ToddT 1]

My wife has said it's my decision and she'll stand by whatever I decide. She married me without their knowledge on our last visit. They did find out later and were very upset. Now, they expect a proper party and sin sod when I come collect her. She has said I'm her choice and we don't have to do it though. She also said that they would return the sin sod before we left for the USA if I decided to opt for the ceremony/sin sod.

Due to her education, current job and their social station - they are asking for quite a bit even though they don't need it.

I've met them and they seemed very nice. They have never asked for money before and as far as I know, since. My wife has a good job and never asks for me to send her cash either. I have sent my wife money a few times, on my own, without any request.

[Karee 4,190]

My wife has said it's my decision and she'll stand by whatever I decide. She married me without their knowledge on our last visit. They did find out later and were very upset. Now, they expect a proper party and sin sod when I come collect her. She has said I'm her choice and we don't have to do it though. She also said that they would return the sin sod before we left for the USA if I decided to opt for the ceremony/sin sod.

Due to her education, current job and their social station - they are asking for quite a bit even though they don't need it.

I've met them and they seemed very nice. They have never asked for money before and as far as I know, since. My wife has a good job and never asks for me to send her cash either. I have sent my wife money a few times, on my own, without any request.

Well there's your answer. Marrying her without them knowing about it, was a huge mistake in that culture. If they're going to give it back, then I'd say do it. Also, it would probably make things right as far as marrying without their knowledge.

You're gonna pay out the a$$ for that party though. Have fun and take alot of pictures. My wife's extended family (not her mom and dad) are still wearing me out about not having the wedding party 7 years later. Everytime we go back, they want to do it. I think it has little to do with the wedding itself, they just want me to pay for a big bash. Thinking about it, I should probably do it next time we go back. I'm sure it would make my wife happy, and she sure has done alot for me over the years.

[slowlyman 118]

This is a pretty common issue when marrying a Thai. I'm not sure if you've had a wedding party yet, but what I've seen some people do is to present the money at the wedding party so it looks good to everyone else (Which is really what it's all about) and then the family gives it back. I know this sounds odd to Americans, but I have seen it done quite a few times.

In our case we didn't have a wedding party. We married pretty quickly thanks to the coup in 2006 and the military govts. rule on on living there on tourist visas. My wife's parents were fine with it, as long as their daughter was happy. I didn't pay any sin sot. I do pay for my niece's private school every semester. Her parents ask for the occasional 4k Baht here and there. Maybe once a year. I'm fine with that.

Welcome to VJ by the way.

I am aware of the tradition of "showing" the money at the ceremony and then returning it to the couple, but my gf has told me Mamma will most certainly not be giving it back.

[alexbrixie 3]

I realize this is a bit off topic for this forum, but there are a limited number of places I can post this question to people who have actually been through it.

The issue of Sinsot has always been laying in the bushes, and my gf has never made it a pre-curser to marriage. But now with the Visa process well under way, she has mentioned we should at some point give Mamma a gift of 100,000 or so.

My position has always been. Sinsot is not my tradition. I take care of my girlfriend and her daughter. She and her sisters take care of Mamma. One of her sisters is Married to a German, and he has refused to pay anything to mamma. It would appear she is getting family pressure to get something out of this farang.

I'm really torn on what to do. Obviously I love her and I don't want to cause her any stress with her family. On the other hand, It's a good chunk of money. Money I really can't afford to be handing over to someone.

Any personal experience you would like to share would be appreciated.

100,000 baht is easy, dont be cheap, pay it and move on with life. i almost diddnt marry because of this. i refused to pay a set amount. i had someone call my mother in law and explain my finances and how much i made and how much airplane rickets and houses were and taxes and lawyers and schools. i agreed to pay but said id pay a number i was comfortable with in addition to the wedding and the thai gold. i had 150 people at my wedding in bangkok and it was absolutely beautiful and felt like a real jerk after the sin sod exchange when the flowers were put on top of the money. although i diddnt understand a word they were saying i knew what was happening. you willl either get the money back, mom will keep it, or gifted back in some other manner. odds are from the small amount they are asking for they will keep it and need it. it is what it is. i never told my mother what the money in the bowl was really for, i told her it was the money for the wedding. you cannot get married in a ceremony and not pay, her family will lose face and you will never be accepted. everything is negotiable in thailand. do it with a calm face and dont freak out. its not our country, its their custom. if you dont have 1000 usd you cant afford to go throught this process, it will eat you alive. i would suggest talking to your wife about her expectations when you get her to your country about support of her family. she will get pressure no matter what, its a matter of how she deals with it.i have a strange relationship with my mother in law. she diddnt raise my wife, her aunt did. in fact she diddnt raise any of her kids and it pisses me off. when i go to thailand i always set aside a bout 4 days to spend with her mom, i take her mom and my wife and my wifes sister and brother to pattaya and get a nice hotel and go crazy for 4 days drinking and eating and swimming. i bring them all together for 4 days which is the only time it happens in the year. it took my mom a year to stop calling me farang. i had my wife explain that it was insulting to me and if she ever calls me anyrthing buy my name i will leave her presence.

sin sod and khun mae yai. i could write a book. if yo have any questions or want to see video of my sinsod experience let me know, id be happy to show you.

[alexbrixie 3]

I can relate…

My wife's family expects one. We've had many discussions about this issue and it's still unresolved.

I have a coworker who married a Thai lady and they both advised me that I shouldn't be expected to pay a sin sod for many reason...

[/quote

not really many a reason, 1 reason. your wife has a baby already. thats the reason they told you not to pay. if you dont have a ceremony dont pay. if you have one id suggest you pay. youll be reminded for life if you don't. it will not be forgotten, by many. youll never be able to say youve tried you best, that youve done everything

Edited February 10, 2013 by alexbrixie

[slowlyman 118]

100,000 baht is easy, dont be cheap, pay it and move on with life. i almost diddnt marry because of this. i refused to pay a set amount. i had someone call my mother in law and explain my finances and how much i made and how much airplane rickets and houses were and taxes and lawyers and schools. i agreed to pay but said id pay a number i was comfortable with in addition to the wedding and the thai gold. i had 150 people at my wedding in bangkok and it was absolutely beautiful and felt like a real jerk after the sin sod exchange when the flowers were put on top of the money. although i diddnt understand a word they were saying i knew what was happening. you willl either get the money back, mom will keep it, or gifted back in some other manner. odds are from the small amount they are asking for they will keep it and need it. it is what it is. i never told my mother what the money in the bowl was really for, i told her it was the money for the wedding. you cannot get married in a ceremony and not pay, her family will lose face and you will never be accepted. everything is negotiable in thailand. do it with a calm face and dont freak out. its not our country, its their custom. if you dont have 1000 usd you cant afford to go throught this process, it will eat you alive. i would suggest talking to your wife about her expectations when you get her to your country about support of her family. she will get pressure no matter what, its a matter of how she deals with it.i have a strange relationship with my mother in law. she diddnt raise my wife, her aunt did. in fact she diddnt raise any of her kids and it pisses me off. when i go to thailand i always set aside a bout 4 days to spend with her mom, i take her mom and my wife and my wifes sister and brother to pattaya and get a nice hotel and go crazy for 4 days drinking and eating and swimming. i bring them all together for 4 days which is the only time it happens in the year. it took my mom a year to stop calling me farang. i had my wife explain that it was insulting to me and if she ever calls me anyrthing buy my name i will leave her presence.

sin sod and khun mae yai. i could write a book. if yo have any questions or want to see video of my sinsod experience let me know, id be happy to show you.

It's actually closer to 4,000 USD at current rates. A good chunk of money. Add to it the cost of the Visa, Flying us both to the US and getting her set up. That it all ads up in the first year.

But I take your point. One and done would be nice, but as she won't be working and her Daughter will remain in Thailand until she is has completed her education. I will have a monthly obligation as well as the potential Sin Sot.

[slowlyman 118]

I can relate…

My wife's family expects one. We've had many discussions about this issue and it's still unresolved.

I have a coworker who married a Thai lady and they both advised me that I shouldn't be expected to pay a sin sod for many reason...

That's really the root of the problem. I've had people tell me a previous marriage and a child should eliminate the asking of a Sinsot. While others have said the parents have every right to ask for it again.

Tradition is deeply rooted in Thailand. As outsiders we have just a basic understanding of it all. Additionally, some families are very traditional and others less.

I guess the best we can do is find middle ground that works for both of us.

Which of course brings me back where I started. What to do, What to do.

The GF is still content to go ahead with the Farang Marriage and sort out the Sinsot at some point in the future. That sounds like the best option at this point.

Edited February 10, 2013 by slowlyman

[alexbrixie 3]

It's actually closer to 4,000 USD at current rates. A good chunk of money. Add to it the cost of the Visa, Flying us both to the US and getting her set up. That it all ads up in the first year.

But I take your point. One and done would be nice, but as she won't be working and her Daughter will remain in Thailand until she is has completed her education. I will have a monthly obligation as well as the potential Sin Sot.

Sorry my math was fuzzy, i was half a sleep.negotiate with them, they wont be hurt. at the worst put in the 100,000 in the bowl and have them give you back some. id look into legal issues bringing her child back after several years of your wife being in usa. i thought a year was the limit with no hassles. good luck brother, i hope your experience is smoother than mine. i know how you feel.

[Ning 619]

I realize this is a bit off topic for this forum, but there are a limited number of places I can post this question to people who have actually been through it.

The issue of Sinsot has always been laying in the bushes, and my gf has never made it a pre-curser to marriage. But now with the Visa process well under way, she has mentioned we should at some point give Mamma a gift of 100,000 or so.

My position has always been. Sinsot is not my tradition. I take care of my girlfriend and her daughter. She and her sisters take care of Mamma. One of her sisters is Married to a German, and he has refused to pay anything to mamma. It would appear she is getting family pressure to get something out of this farang.

I'm really torn on what to do. Obviously I love her and I don't want to cause her any stress with her family. On the other hand, It's a good chunk of money. Money I really can't afford to be handing over to someone.

Any personal experience you would like to share would be appreciated.

Read Thailand Fever found on Amazon.

You need to figure out what is best for your exact situation. Or you can have these people telling you to simply turn over 100K baht send you 90% of that amount.

As soon as you marry a Thai your traditions change. If not your wife is put in a very difficult position which will affect you as well. This is about Thai tradition as well as saving face for your wife.

There are many things that affect the amount paid. It could be zero or it could be 1 million baht. I have seen farangs pay both amounts. My husband paid zero. There have been no problems with my mother who has become his mother as well. They truly learned to love each other. My husband is the one that decided what we would do. We continue to take care of our mother and will do so until she dies. She knows this and says she is happier than she ever has been. In the end this will cost more than a simple sinsot payment but the real question is about what one would pay for a mother.

You should consider carefully what you think you could afford. If thats less than they ask for it will have to do. You have a life time to do other things as you see fit.

This is simple. Do what you think is right with consideration to Thai culture. The Thais in the family will sort this out. Make some effort that will allow them to save face by telling family and friends something was done. No matter what you do it will not be seen as enough by some. They wont take into consideration that you are about to provide a life time of support and love for two members of their family. That aspect they really dont understand as you do. They dont have to be concerned with the future.

[Ning 619]

My wife has said it's my decision and she'll stand by whatever I decide. She married me without their knowledge on our last visit. They did find out later and were very upset. Now, they expect a proper party and sin sod when I come collect her. She has said I'm her choice and we don't have to do it though. She also said that they would return the sin sod before we left for the USA if I decided to opt for the ceremony/sin sod.

Due to her education, current job and their social station - they are asking for quite a bit even though they don't need it.

I've met them and they seemed very nice. They have never asked for money before and as far as I know, since. My wife has a good job and never asks for me to send her cash either. I have sent my wife money a few times, on my own, without any request.

Listen to your wife and do as she requests. She knows these traditions and people best. Dont count on them returning anything. Give them what you and your wife deem correct. The party ect is simply a ways to save face. What actually is done is up to you and will have to do. They will accept whatever that is. They want what anyone would want from you; a good life for their daughter.