Teaching your spouse English

[oohpartiv 484]

So!

I know some of you are fortunate enough to have a spouse who already speaks English (Canadians and Brits, I'm lookin' at you), but I met my husband through an academic exchange program when I was in high school, and so at the time I was really only worried with practicing my Spanish. I moved to Ecuador after high school to go to study linguistics, and since my husband was just my boyfriend at the time, I didn't worry about his English. After he proposed and we got married, we got him enrolled in some English classes (I've taught English here in Ecuador for the past three years, but teaching my stubborn husband is a whole new ball game). After realizing that his teachers were morons - the "English" they claimed to be teaching sounded something similar to Yiddish - we looked around and tried a few other things but unfortunately nothing has really been worth the prices being asked.

That brings us up today. I've focused on trying to teach him the past few months, but as I'm sure some of you have found out, this doesn't always pan out due to several excuses - he's too tired after work, he forgot to do the grammar exercises, I'm moving along too fast and he's confused, etc. I'm at my wits' end and need some advice as to what to do. His English isn't TERRIBLE - he talks to my parents and siblings a lot on the computer or when they call, and we have some ex-pat friends here he practices with, so he can understand nearly everything, and his reading/writing skills are okay. I'm more worried about his speaking ability. Talking in a foreign language is always the hardest part, and he's not quite up to par. I'm worried that when we get to the States he's not going to be able to get a job or make friends because of this, and I want to avoid him feeling alienated and lonely as much as possible. Do you think he'll pick up speaking quickly once he's surrounded by English? Any ideas?

If anyone has had to teach their spouse English and has some tips, I'd love to hear them. Thanks in advance!

Edited February 5, 2013 by oohpartiv

[Dr. Obvious 49]

Learning a language requires a lot of internal motivation. Some people don't have it, which is how you end up with immigrants who have been in a country 20+ years and still can't speak a lick of the local language. My brother's fiance's mother (a very nice woman ) is from Laos, she's been here many years, and her English speaking ability is poor at best. She works at a Thai restaurant, only has Thai/Lao friends, watches mostly only Thai programming, etc. What you might find is since Spanish is a relatively common second language in the US, he'll probably quickly hook up with that community. They will help him find jobs where he may not even need to speak English. He may end up as unmotivated here as in Ecuador. I purposely stayed away from native English speaking expat communities in Germany because I knew it would ultimately be detrimental to learning German, but I was really motivated to learn German. Obviously, you can't and shouldn't control who your husband hangs out with though.

Maybe once he gets here, he'll change his mind as it has become 'more real' and he'll get more serious about learning English...or not. It is ultimately up to him. Once he has decided to do it, there are plenty of ESL opportunities available. Libraries sometimes offer classes. I know my local Goodwills often do. Sometimes school districts offer it at night as adult education or you could pay the 'big bucks' for community college. He could join English speaking clubs or groups for things he is interested in and that will help with his speaking too.

[fantonledzepp 159]

My wife has been in the states since July of 12. She is totally surrounded by English. We watch tv in English, my friends speak English. Her ear is developing quite nicely. The only things on which I help her is her pronunciation. The drive to learn English is there, partly because I've instilled the fear of god into her that if she doesn't learn, she will not be able to get a job of her choice. She understands that many people who come to the US decide to not learn English and rather stay within their immigrant communities. She does not want that, and quite frankly, neither do I.

Being in the states, your husband will realize that he will need to learn English to communicate. It will either make him or break him. My wife has felt down at times, but is optimistic also. It was really hard for her when I was in the hospital because of a stroke I couldn't speak. Fortunately, I had my sister and best friend, and my family, and my coworkers helping us during our time of need. But it's pushed her to learn more and get out of her comfort zone and actually say something in English.

I understand that you are currently in Ecuador, and in Bahia De Caraquez (lovely town). My wife was taking courses in Guayaquil at the Centro Ecuatoriano Norteamericano (CEN). It was really helpful. I do not know if they have a school in Bahia, but you can inquire.

I tell you this because I can't teach my wife. I get really impatient and I start going in tangents. She took the courses in Ecuador, and is currently enrolled in two English courses. She is progressing nicely.

So I suggest you get cable, watch American tv in English to start developing his ear.

[oohpartiv 484]

The drive to learn English is there, partly because I've instilled the fear of god into her that if she doesn't learn, she will not be able to get a job of her choice. She understands that many people who come to the US decide to not learn English and rather stay within their immigrant communities. She does not want that, and quite frankly, neither do I.

My husband is motivated, but it's like he knows that with me being his teacher he can't get into an "real" trouble if he doesn't do the assignments or study. He WANTS to learn English, but I'm finding it difficult to find a way to teach him. He also doesn't want to be one of those immigrants that only hands out with other Spanish speaking latinos - and it doesn't help that where I live, there are almost none. The fact that your wife is learning quickly makes me hopeful. I think once he's surrounded by it, he should pick it up more quickly. Hopefully seeing how everyone speaks only English will really drive it home how important it is.

I purposely stayed away from native English speaking expat communities in Germany because I knew it would ultimately be detrimental to learning German, but I was really motivated to learn German. Obviously, you can't and shouldn't control who your husband hangs out with though.

I did the same thing in Ecuador - went out of my way to avoid other ex-pats, I mean. I really wanted to be able to speak to my in-laws, and since I was going to college here, I kind of HAD to speak Spanish at least decently, anyway. After living here for four years, it's MUCH much better than when I first arrived, which makes me think that my husband will be the same way when we get to the States. And you're right, I obviously can't control who he's around - but hopefully I can nudge him in the right direction.

[fantonledzepp 159]

My husband is motivated, but it's like he knows that with me being his teacher he can't get into an "real" trouble if he doesn't do the assignments or study. He WANTS to learn English, but I'm finding it difficult to find a way to teach him. He also doesn't want to be one of those immigrants that only hands out with other Spanish speaking latinos - and it doesn't help that where I live, there are almost none. The fact that your wife is learning quickly makes me hopeful. I think once he's surrounded by it, he should pick it up more quickly. Hopefully seeing how everyone speaks only English will really drive it home how important it is.

Yes, that's the problem. He can't get into any "trouble" with you. Which is why I personally believe that spouses teaching each other isn't the best thing. He needs to know that there'll be consequences when doesn't do his assignments. I think he needs a class...

If he's motivated, he'll pick up the English once you arrive in the states. He'll have to. And even more so, if the area around you doesn't have many Hispanics, hell be foreced out of his shell.

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

My husband largely learned from a few years in school, thousands of American TV shows and movies, and talking to me. It was a little hard understanding him when we first starting talking but I made sure to fix his pronunciation and he made sure to ask about every word he didn't understand. I am the only native speaker he has ever talked to more than passingly and we spoke only in English for 9 months, he's now fluent.

I think that it will be important to keep your husband away from the easy Spanish speaking community and shops. Make sure that he integrates and doesn't have opportunity to be lazy and just default to Spanish. I think that it is one of the hardest parts about learning Danish for me - the TV shows are in English, the signs on the bus are in English, I can switch the machines at the grocery store and Ikea to English, and when I falter in Danish, people just speak English to me. Spanish speakers in America have many of the same hurdles, I suspect.

I'm going to give you a high five for thinking about it ahead of time.

[TBoneTX 46,156]

All good advice above, si man.

Before the arrival of Mini-Bone, Mrs. T-B. (who already spoke fairly fluent English) & I would lie in bed at night and she would read me paragraphs at random from books or magazines that she chose at random. I would help her with the tough words. She had (and still has) the Guayaca tendency to omit the ends of her words. (She spent a lot of time in Cuenca & Gualaquiza, too, so it's a bummer that the Guayaquil Syndrome* hung on.)

Doing the nightly readings was an important action that I wish had continued. Now, any TV that she watches is Univision or Telemundo (the novelas, of course -- soap operas), and watching the news helps me with my pidgin Spanish, but she has improved only in vocabulary and not discernibly in pronunciation. Mini-B.'s toddler videos in English aren't much help, no man.

She joined a mommy group where she's the only non-gringa member, and she mentioned that it's like an impromptu English class.

When she first got here, she took a free English class at a church. Without exception, her classmates (of all nationalities) were vocal in their envy that she was married to a gringo and could continuously practice.

I also think that this explains why the local Hispanics lack English skills or are ashamed to "try" because they'll make mistakes. It's a pride issue. They're married to "their own" and have no reason to fumble around with each other in English during the hustle and bustle of daily life. I visit the butcher counter at the local Mexican supermarket fairly often. Before ordering, I ask the butcher Habla usted Ingles? [do you speak English?] If he says "no" or "not much," I say, yo tampoco [me neither], and that invariably results in his relaxation and a smile. If he says "yes" or "much," I say "me, too," and that evokes the same reaction. This was all Mrs. T-B.'s idea, incidentally.

Latin pride (often internal and unspoken) should not be underestimated, no man. Shyness and fear of looking foolish are a big factor. Do everything you can to encourage the new speaker and make every little step, however small, feel like progress, si man.

---

*Guayaquil Syndrome explained

From post #52 in: http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/382775-mrs-t-b-the-citizenship-test/

Some months ago, I came home, and this dialogue ensued:

Mrs. T-B.: I bought you cheap.

T-B.: What did you say?

Mrs. T-B.: I bought you cheap.

T-B.: You bought me cheap? What the dickens does THAT mean? I'm not that cheap. And don't let Immigration hear you say that.

Mrs. T-B. [frustrated]: Cheap, CHEAP! I bought you CHEAP!

Further investigation revealed that she had gone to the store and bought me a bag of potato cheaps, si man.

Edited February 6, 2013 by TBoneTX

[fantonledzepp 159]

Latin pride (often internal and unspoken) should not be underestimated, no man. Shyness and fear of looking foolish are a big factor. Do everything you can to encourage the new speaker and make every little step, however small, feel like progress, si man.

Latin Pride... You nailed that one right on the head. The latin pride, whether male or female, is not to be taken lightly.

[TBoneTX 46,156]

Latin Pride... You nailed that one right on the head. The latin pride, whether male or female, is not to be taken lightly.

And any respect that you show them will be returned several times over, si man. When it comes to showing respect and regard to a chica from a machista country, multiply times a zillion. Edited February 6, 2013 by TBoneTX

[oohpartiv 484]

Latin pride is definitely a factor. Not the "macho" so much - he's quite a pussycat, despite what he likes others to think - but he is definitely a bit scared to look like a moron in front of others. Like I said, the only skill that definitely needs some work is his speaking/pronunciation (which seems to be the case with most, so I feel a bit better). I really like the reading excerpts from a magazine idea! I'm totally going to launch that at him later. He's not from Guayaquil, but he IS from the coast (Manabi), and he has the awful habit of adding consonants where they shouldn't be (i.e. the "h" sound at the beginning, or an "s" at the end). Everyone here does it, so I'm just going to have to try to break him of the habit when speaking in English. He doesn't want to sound like a typical "latino" when speaking English (whenever we watch American TV, he always picks out the Hispanic actors and wails about how ugly they speak), so hopefully it won't be too hard.

I would really like to enroll him in an English class, but I'm thinking it might have to wait until we get home. There's a TOEFL class in a community college near my house, and we're going to give that a try. I wanted to try to prepare him before going, but reading others' stories makes me feel a little bit better about how much he'll pick up once we're over there. Thanks for the help!

[Caryh 5,206]

Have you thought about getting him Rosettastone? He could work at his own pace and repeat lessons if he feels the need. I've started using it for one of my wife's languages, and it appears to be pretty darn good, plus there's no critical teacher watching you learn. Once he gets the basics down, you can help him expand upon what he's learned.

[erynaught 43]

It really does depend on how motivated the person is. My current wife is well educated but her English was terrible when she moved here a few years ago. Now, her English is excellent with just a tinge of her Thai accent coming through now and then. Her profressional colleagueas are surprised at how little time she has been learning English. However, she was very motivated and sought out every opportunity to surround herself with English as much as she could and she was never embarrassed to be misunderstood or be creative in getting her point across - embarrassment and shyness are a huge obstacle to many.

It can be very difficult to teach/coach your spouse, especially if the expectations are not the same. I'm pretty driven and so is my wife, so that wasn't a problem. But a friend of mine was getting very, very frustrated giving his wife English lessons (and he was too cheap to enroll her in a proper ESL program), so my wife and I gave her English lessons instead - we had more patience, she didn't get as frustrated with us when we corrected her again and again, and she made better progress, but she is also less comfortable and motivated to become a very fluent speaker - more of the attitude to learn as little as she needs to get by and keep her husband off her back.

[Caryh 5,206]

It really does depend on how motivated the person is. My current wife is well educated but her English was terrible when she moved here a few years ago. Now, her English is excellent with just a tinge of her Thai accent coming through now and then. Her profressional colleagueas are surprised at how little time she has been learning English. However, she was very motivated and sought out every opportunity to surround herself with English as much as she could and she was never embarrassed to be misunderstood or be creative in getting her point across - embarrassment and shyness are a huge obstacle to many.

It can be very difficult to teach/coach your spouse, especially if the expectations are not the same. I'm pretty driven and so is my wife, so that wasn't a problem. But a friend of mine was getting very, very frustrated giving his wife English lessons (and he was too cheap to enroll her in a proper ESL program), so my wife and I gave her English lessons instead - we had more patience, she didn't get as frustrated with us when we corrected her again and again, and she made better progress, but she is also less comfortable and motivated to become a very fluent speaker - more of the attitude to learn as little as she needs to get by and keep her husband off her back.

The relationship between a husband and wife, is often a barrier to the teacher and student roll needed for some things. I discovered that very well when my wife was learning to drive here. She wanted to take my instruction as opinion, and when we hired a driving instructor, those opinions I had were now facts coming from him I wanted to teach her how to read maps and use a voice GPS to, but she says she prefers my vocal GPS when she gets lost on the road. My wife has been good about me giving her instructions in English though. Although sometimes when she says something wrong, I let her continue to say it that way because I think it sounds cute. A funny recent mispronunciation is a temp agency some friends of her's work through called Aerotek. She pronounced it erotic for weeks until I corrected her I actually only corrected her because she was going there to see if they could find her a better job, and I preferred her pronunciation.

[fantonledzepp 159]

I discovered that very well when my wife was learning to drive here. She wanted to take my instruction as opinion, and when we hired a driving instructor, those opinions I had were now facts coming from him

No greater feeling in the world.

Edited February 6, 2013 by fantonledzepp

[erynaught 43]

My wife also complained that I wouldn't correct her all the time. Reality was that I was so used to her and the anomalies in her language that my brain would auto correct and I wouldn't be aware of the mistakes.