Guide to prepping you fiancé (e) for life in the U.S.

[Lurker 0]

Guide to prepping you fiancé (e) for life in the U.S.

I have put together a quick “What-To” or “How-To” on helping your fiancé (e) adjust to life here.

Pre-U.S. arrival:

1) Try and break out of the Love haze before she/he comes here and explain to her/him how life is.

a. Explain to her/him how boring it may be here compared to her country.

b. Explain to her/him how insecurity might be a factor for a bit.

c. Explain to her/him that the movies they watch (in their country) about America are not really how it is here.

d. Explain to her/him that you have to work just as hard here as you do in their country….sometimes even harder.

e. Voice your sympathy about how she/he will be leaving her family behind to be with you.

f. Explain to them that their English skills will get better within a year.

g. Learn her/his culture to the best you can….and never stops learning about it. Learning their culture will provide very helpful insight to how they may, or may not react to something.

h. Explain your financial situation.

i. Explain your lifestyle.

j. Explain your own personal annoying habits. Be critical about yourself…that way there are no surprises when it arises.

k. MOST IMPORTANT: DO ALL OF THE ABOVE OFTEN. Don’t do it to the point to where it gets annoying…but weave it within your conversations.

Post-U.S. arrival:

1) Articulate the first few months being together with moderation.

a. Don’t show them or buy them everything you can because you both are excited to see each other, so you go to every restaurant…buy them everything they want…etc. Splurging everything and anything. When you do this, you condition them to think “This is how it is going to be”. When you stop with the honeymoon effect…be prepared for the “We use to be so happy”, or something to that effect.

b. Be careful about being overly nice. Don’t put up with ####### your normally don’t put up with just because the “NEW” feeling is there.

c. Help them feel that the house/belongings belong to them as well. This gives them a sense of ownership, pride, responsibility and helps them feel good.

d. Give them a life-line back home. Routinely ask her/him if they want to contact home via (email, phone, whatever). Let them know that they can contact home ANYTIME. Simply assuming they know this is not enough…TELL THEM.

e. MOST IMPORTANT: BE YOUR TRUE SELF!!!

These are by no means every scenario that could occur. I put this quick guide together to help those that may have personal questions about “Adjusting to life in the US” for their significant other. If you have anything to add, please feel free to let me know. If you have smart-####### remarks, or condescending remarks…keep them to yourself.

Thank you for your time,

Lurker

[mybackpages 0]

Interesting list. It made me wonder if there are different things we do if the non USC fiance is male or female.

[Joel Halfwassen 0]

Amen, Brother! This is a harsh reality in this whole process. Being together is one thing. Having your SO start to build a life for him/herself is completely another. This part of the immigration process is almost as hard as the waiting for them to get here in the first place!

Joel

[Sheriff Uling 3]

Very good advice! It's all about open honest loving and real conversation. Communication is a huge key to success in every relationship IMO... Thanks for sharing! Cheers!!! - Sheriff Uling

[Bruce n Jen 0]

Interesting.

We had the unique privilege of having my fiance live here for 3 months this summer - that's a big help on what to expect.

[dougyceci 0]

Great post Lurker!!! I have thought about many of these things myself but never thought of posting them. Thqnks for your insight. Your statement about learning the culture is so true and important. I would say make some friends here on VJ or in your communtiy that may be from the same country as your SO and that may help. The thought of not speaking the language, leaving your family, and the uncertainty is scary to think about. I can only imagine the fear our loved ones will feel. Great advice, thanks for sharing. Loved your comments about the negative thinkers. Good luck everyone.

[patricks 0]

Very Good, a little much, but still very good

My main concern was Driving and getting her driver's license ASAP!

My wife had both the California DMV Vietnamese and English Driving books before arriving

Practice parking, driving a company auto near the HCMC airport ( open area ) with a professional driver.

Practice multi-choice tests on the Virginia DMV web sites in VN

Learned signs, dash board controls, etc.

Then,

After she arrived, we practiced in the community college parking lot

And she also took a couple of lessons with a professional driving teacher.

Yes, it's a little much but it's paid off so far thankfully

[chuckandkim 0]

Guide to prepping you fiancé (e) for life in the U.S.

I have put together a quick “What-To” or “How-To” on helping your fiancé (e) adjust to life here.

Pre-U.S. arrival:

1) Try and break out of the Love haze before she/he comes here and explain to her/him how life is.

a. Explain to her/him how boring it may be here compared to her country.

b. Explain to her/him how insecurity might be a factor for a bit.

c. Explain to her/him that the movies they watch (in their country) about America are not really how it is here.

d. Explain to her/him that you have to work just as hard here as you do in their country….sometimes even harder.

e. Voice your sympathy about how she/he will be leaving her family behind to be with you.

f. Explain to them that their English skills will get better within a year.

g. Learn her/his culture to the best you can….and never stops learning about it. Learning their culture will provide very helpful insight to how they may, or may not react to something.

h. Explain your financial situation.

i. Explain your lifestyle.

j. Explain your own personal annoying habits. Be critical about yourself…that way there are no surprises when it arises.

k. MOST IMPORTANT: DO ALL OF THE ABOVE OFTEN. Don’t do it to the point to where it gets annoying…but weave it within your conversations.

Post-U.S. arrival:

1) Articulate the first few months being together with moderation.

a. Don’t show them or buy them everything you can because you both are excited to see each other, so you go to every restaurant…buy them everything they want…etc. Splurging everything and anything. When you do this, you condition them to think “This is how it is going to be”. When you stop with the honeymoon effect…be prepared for the “We use to be so happy”, or something to that effect.

b. Be careful about being overly nice. Don’t put up with ####### your normally don’t put up with just because the “NEW” feeling is there.

c. Help them feel that the house/belongings belong to them as well. This gives them a sense of ownership, pride, responsibility and helps them feel good.

d. Give them a life-line back home. Routinely ask her/him if they want to contact home via (email, phone, whatever). Let them know that they can contact home ANYTIME. Simply assuming they know this is not enough…TELL THEM.

e. MOST IMPORTANT: BE YOUR TRUE SELF!!!

These are by no means every scenario that could occur. I put this quick guide together to help those that may have personal questions about “Adjusting to life in the US” for their significant other. If you have anything to add, please feel free to let me know. If you have smart-####### remarks, or condescending remarks…keep them to yourself.

Thank you for your time,

Lurker

What do you do if your wife came from a country that is far more advance society than US in so many ways?

What do you do if your wife came from a country where Crime rates are so low?

What do you do if your wife asked why Americans only work 8hrs/day and demand so much benefit where productivity isn't there?

What do you do if your wife told you "I thought the city would be cleaner"

What do you do if your wife asked you "Health Insurance should be free for all citizens like she used to"

What do you do if your wife doesn't care much about shopping as expected of some women?

What do you do if your wife wants to cook and eat at home when you're used to eat out?

This list is a nice reminder for all who haven't thought of telling their love ones how life is gonna be here. But when she/he comes here, rules or no rules, you will need to rewrite you "laws and orders" since she/he will have a lot to say in what and how your life and hers will be. Personally, I explained to Kim that life will be BEAUTIFUL and HAPPY wherever we are together. Some people think the reason why some people marry us (the americans) because life here in America is better than where they are. Life is tough anywhere you are, just a different kind of problems. Be matured in an adult relationship is the key here. Both you and your lover must be absolutely believe this MOVE will 100% life changing for better for worse, for both. And that you two are willing to give up your comfort and security to build new ones together here in the US or wherever you may be.

[Laveau 67]

I remember someone recommended a book on the former VJ forum. I can't remember the title of the book but I remember the poster saying that it was a must read for those who would be moving to the US. Anyone recall the title of that book?

Sylvia

[chuckandkim 0]

Living in The USA

[Lurker 0]

Living in The USA

chuckandkim,

Can you translate that to tieng viet for my honey?

Cam on anh rat nhieu

Edited November 10, 2006 by Lurker

[chuckandkim 0]

I actually read through the book myself.... based my conversation with Kim on this book, we spoke through a lot of issues the book has raised.

You may want to read it yourself, things we take for granted may become a big deal with our wife/husband. For example:

- Trash day is EVERYDAY in Saigon. Monday here in the burb.

- Having a maid is NORMAL in Saigon. It's expensive here.

- HONKING is the only way to drive/ride in Saigon. It's RUDE here.

- ATM and Banking without Passbook is so strange! Kim used to live and study in Japan, Passbook/Bankbook is still hot over there

- Your signature is all you need to buy a car, house, big ticket item. No need for the "RED SEAL" from the government

You get the theme!

[Lurker 0]

I actually read through the book myself.... based my conversation with Kim on this book, we spoke through a lot of issues the book has raised.

You may want to read it yourself, things we take for granted may become a big deal with our wife/husband. For example:

- Trash day is EVERYDAY in Saigon. Monday here in the burb.

- Having a maid is NORMAL in Saigon. It's expensive here.

- HONKING is the only way to drive/ride in Saigon. It's RUDE here.

- ATM and Banking without Passbook is so strange! Kim used to live and study in Japan, Passbook/Bankbook is still hot over there

- Your signature is all you need to buy a car, house, big ticket item. No need for the "RED SEAL" from the government

You get the theme!

You sold me..I will buy it.

[Jim1969 0]

Here is a great book if your fiancee is from a Russian speaking country. It's over 1,000 pages and it written in English AND Russian and goes over everything anyone would need to know to survive here. From credit cards, to weddings, to getting a college degree

It was written by two Russians that moved here many years ago and how to view America thru their eyes - and not an Americans.

Welcome to America: The Complete Guide for Immigrants. (Hardcover)

by Vitaliy Demin, Olga Demin-Lambert

[patricks 0]

Chuck,

In Vietnam, slowly walk across the street, traffic will go around you.

America, look both ways and then run!

America, do NOT stick your fingers down the kitchen drain.

Vietnam, no disposals

Vietnam, oh, sorry, i'm late and then smile and joke "Xin Loi"

America, Don't be late!

Many many more