Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus?

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

People often ask me when they should teach the Good News to their housecats. I have but one answer: "What are you waiting for?"

A pet is a beloved part of your family, and as a Christian, you should do everything you can to guarantee that this valued member of your family receives the glorious eternal reward for which Christ gave His very life. Think of the alternative: your cat mired in darkness for eternity because you put off a 10-minute conversation.

My own cats accepted Jesus into their hearts before they even opened their eyes. The light of salvation has brightened their lives, but perhaps the most noticeable change has been in me. I am filled with warmth knowing their eternal souls have been saved.

Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call "original mischief." Mischief, if left to grow on its own, can sprout into evil. That's why you must fill their hearts with Jesus instead. If you wait, your cats might find seductive role models among the back-alley strays and rough felines from the wrong side of town. You could also end up with an unwanted pregnancy.

That's why it's so very, very important to tell your cats about the life, crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus as early as possible. The Nicene Creed is a good place to start: Recite it to them when they are about 10 weeks old.

Remember: If you give a cat a fish, it eats for a day. If you teach a cat to fish, it eats for a lifetime. Perhaps that's not such a good proverb to use in this case, since fishing is actually instinctual in cats. But Jesus is not. Your kitties need to know early on that there is a fisher of men and cats alike who can save their souls.

A lot of people say, "Oh, but Whiskers doesn't even answer to his name yet." They raise a good point: Sometimes you have to teach your cat at its own level. If you give your cat a rubber Jesus to play with, it will sense that there's more to this toy. If you give it a scratching cross, it will contemplate Christ's love and ultimate sacrifice while it stretches and sharpens its claws. I myself have put an image of Jesus at the bottom of my cats' food bowls. That way, when they finish their food, the face of He who provided it is revealed unto them.

Teaching your cats the Gospel of Christ isn't just important for their eternal souls, it is also the only way to ensure that they know an eternity of damnation awaits them if they scratch your favorite chair. Before they cough up a hairball on the rug or leave a dead mouse on the doorstep, they'll know—without being scolded—that they had better watch it, as a Final Judgment awaits at the hands of the Lord.

Of course, once your cat has accepted the Lord in its heart, it's ready to be baptized. The righteous cat is one that is born again in the eyes of the Lord. People think that baptism is a rite that requires a fancy baptismal font and a preacher, but that's simply not true. Just fill your bathtub with water, say a little invocation over it, ask your cat if it rejects Satan and all his evil, and then dunk it. Make sure it is fully immersed, in accordance with Scripture.

So now, all you have to do is choose your cat's baptismal name. My cats' birth names were Meowser, Fluff, and Mr. Boots, but their baptismal names are Ezekiel, Caleb, and Mr. Paws.

Remember, a cat may have nine lives, but it only has one eternal soul. We all must one day appear before the Holy Seat Of Judgment, and although my Oliver and Lady Twinkles passed on long ago from this vale of tears, I take solace in the knowledge that, when the time comes for me to receive the ecstasies of Heaven, all of my housecats will be waiting to spend eternity on my lap.

And don't get your cats vaccinated, either. The Lord will provide protection from feline leukemia.

[faith 0]

[almaty 19]

[Sister Fracas 5]

OH NO!! No wonder my cats use toss baby Jesus from my Christmas stable all over the living room....!!!

[faith 0]

OH NO!! No wonder my cats use toss baby Jesus from my Christmas stable all over the living room....!!!

Mine would probably try to eat it if we put one out My cats are just evil

[moondancer627 0]

My cat is an existentialist. He exists for naps, food, and lying in the sunshine, and petting under the chin.

[Satisfaction 1]

Cat knew God for thousands of years, what you're talkinig abouut

"God Bastet", Egypt (cats are very useful animals in a country that depends on grain. The cat's hunting instincts were honoured by the Ancient Egyptians, but so was the cat's gentler side as a warm and loving mother to her kittens)

It is said that cats have four lives and perhaps as many faiths too, who knows? Maybe Christian in the next life?

[Fandango 1,440]

I think this particular pisstake is quite inappropriate, especially today.

JMO

[silvanski 1]

If I had a cat I'd introduce it into Gingerbreadman worship

[dalegg 143]

Just fill your bathtub with water, say a little invocation over it, ask your cat if it rejects Satan and all his evil, and then dunk it. Make sure it is fully immersed, in accordance with Scripture.

I think I'll try this now. Say a prayer for both of us.

[Satisfaction 1]

Saint Michael, the Archangel, protect me in the day of battle, be our safeguard against the evil spirits tha prowls through the world, seaking the ruin of souls. Amen" (that's all I can remember)

[pink_cloud 0]

I love it

[mikeize 0]

I think it's funny that you took the time to come up with all that. The content is funny too, btw. But seriously, I am firmly against ethnoreligiospeciesism in all it's oppressive forms. What some gloss over as "domestication" I righteously term subjugation, and this inDOCtrination is but the first step down a morally reprehesible path of intolerance and destruction. Do you know that felines have a rich and variegated cultural history of their own? No, I don't suppose you would know that. Hmph. Who are you to so arrogantly dismiss their own deep rooted spiritual traditions (or lack thereof), or condemn their proclivity from oral self cleansing of the #######? Who but your own god can you believe created these gentle creatures whom you seek to dunk in the cold bathwater bapDismal of perfidy? For shame, all who would televangelize the proud feline race. May a certain fever befall you all. Meower to the people.

-mike (in solidarity)

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

I think it's funny that you took the time to come up with all that.

Doh! I just realized that I didn't attribute the material with the source URL. It's from The Onion. No way am I original and creative enough to come up with that on my own!

Glad you liked it though.

[Satisfaction 1]

A cat's prayer could start like that:

"Our father who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name. Thy LionKingdom come. Thy will be done in the kitchen, as it is in Africa's savannah. Give us this day our daily treats. Lead us not into temptation, deliver us from greed and obesity. For thine is the Kingdom, and the power and the glory. Amen"

Friskies, proud sponsor of the "No Cat Left Behind" bill R.H. 33567