Supporting the family

[AInfante-Saraireh 0]

Well we are just starting out. I have my own account right now since my husband arrived on August 24th of this year and still waiting for social security number. He did get his EAD very fast, so surprised about this but we are going on week 3 now and no social. The SS office told us two weeks, but it's not here yet. Anyway, hopefully it will come soon or we will have to return to Social Security.

Faisal did start workng though as his company accepted the EAD and is waiting for his social. So he's just starting to make money and I am letting him save up a bit. He treated me and Jess at Bakers Square on MOnday his day off, ummmmmmmmm, brownie ala mode, his favorite, actually all of us love it!

This weekend i will hit him to buy a few groceries, then the gas bill is due. I did buy him an Eid present which was the Arabic channels on Dish network, so have to pick up that bill. He puts gas in the car, but nothing major at this time.

[mybackpages 0]

kofuku, ur husband is good man, dont understand it as bad thing, its coustem of arab, as same as american, american woman have to work and that is fact that arab men cant change, and if u dont work, everyone will be attacking u and saying u r bad woman, same for arab man, if he dont help his family, he will say he just left and never care for his family, so even if he paid too much that he can afford, so dont say no and support him, cuz as arab man, if u didnt support him, that means u r acting bad way, and asking him to give up on his family, and i dont think u need to go that way down

plus most important thing, if the guy have sister that getting married, and his family cant afford it and he have to afford too much, that is fact u have to do, cuz if he didnt, the sister inlaws will say she is not good girl cuz her family not taking care of her, its like marrying a american woman that spend most her life in prison cuz of ####### and prustetution and have aids and have 100,000$ loan which she used on drugs!

same shame of that is lefting ur sister marry without afford her stuff

In Jordan, the groom pays for everything. I mean EVERYTHING. He buys the bride's dress, pays for her hair/make-up, the entire wedding, he even gives the bride alot of money upfront for new clothes suitable for a bride. There is not much expense left for the Bride's family. Is that the same in Morroco and Egypt?

In theory yes, but reality means something entirely different. Like ahmedosman said, you have to take care of your family. Otherwises, it's hsuma. And no wants shame on the family.

JP- In most ME/NA countries and even in Soouth Asia, the custom is that the groom pays for the wedding, but these affairs are more than the single event. The Bride family also can throw a party. In South Asia for example, the day after the wedding (for which the groom pays) there is a party equal in size and expensive given by the Bride's family. Or is it the other way around I'm tired today.

In Jordan I image weddings are also multiday affairs. does the bride's family spend any mney for these?

[Ban Hammer 13,352]

You two talk about tax deductions together??? I'm a CPA and I don't even wanna talk about that stuff when I'm off duty!!!! lol

oh cool, maybe you can explain AMT to me cause i just don't get it

[jordanianprincess 0]

kofuku, ur husband is good man, dont understand it as bad thing, its coustem of arab, as same as american, american woman have to work and that is fact that arab men cant change, and if u dont work, everyone will be attacking u and saying u r bad woman, same for arab man, if he dont help his family, he will say he just left and never care for his family, so even if he paid too much that he can afford, so dont say no and support him, cuz as arab man, if u didnt support him, that means u r acting bad way, and asking him to give up on his family, and i dont think u need to go that way down

plus most important thing, if the guy have sister that getting married, and his family cant afford it and he have to afford too much, that is fact u have to do, cuz if he didnt, the sister inlaws will say she is not good girl cuz her family not taking care of her, its like marrying a american woman that spend most her life in prison cuz of ####### and prustetution and have aids and have 100,000$ loan which she used on drugs!

same shame of that is lefting ur sister marry without afford her stuff

In Jordan, the groom pays for everything. I mean EVERYTHING. He buys the bride's dress, pays for her hair/make-up, the entire wedding, he even gives the bride alot of money upfront for new clothes suitable for a bride. There is not much expense left for the Bride's family. Is that the same in Morroco and Egypt?

In theory yes, but reality means something entirely different. Like ahmedosman said, you have to take care of your family. Otherwises, it's hsuma. And no wants shame on the family.

JP- In most ME/NA countries and even in Soouth Asia, the custom is that the groom pays for the wedding, but these affairs are more than the single event. The Bride family also can throw a party. In South Asia for example, the day after the wedding (for which the groom pays) there is a party equal in size and expensive given by the Bride's family. Or is it the other way around I'm tired today.

In Jordan I image weddings are also multiday affairs. does the bride's family spend any mney for these?

Yes we do. First we have an engagment party. THe week before the wedding, the bride's family will host a party only for the bride's guest and they will invite the groom and his immediate family. After that, the grooms, family will do the same. On the day of the wedding, each family will host a luncheon at their home where the bride/groom get dressed and their families will come to celebrate and help. Then there is the reception which is becoming less and less common in Jordan. They usually have a gathering after the honeymoon too.

The groom will pick up most of the cost for this stuff. I'd say about 75%. Sometimes the Bride's family will pay for the engagment party and they always pay for the brides party before the wedding.

[mybackpages 0]

kofuku, ur husband is good man, dont understand it as bad thing, its coustem of arab, as same as american, american woman have to work and that is fact that arab men cant change, and if u dont work, everyone will be attacking u and saying u r bad woman, same for arab man, if he dont help his family, he will say he just left and never care for his family, so even if he paid too much that he can afford, so dont say no and support him, cuz as arab man, if u didnt support him, that means u r acting bad way, and asking him to give up on his family, and i dont think u need to go that way down

plus most important thing, if the guy have sister that getting married, and his family cant afford it and he have to afford too much, that is fact u have to do, cuz if he didnt, the sister inlaws will say she is not good girl cuz her family not taking care of her, its like marrying a american woman that spend most her life in prison cuz of ####### and prustetution and have aids and have 100,000$ loan which she used on drugs!

same shame of that is lefting ur sister marry without afford her stuff

In Jordan, the groom pays for everything. I mean EVERYTHING. He buys the bride's dress, pays for her hair/make-up, the entire wedding, he even gives the bride alot of money upfront for new clothes suitable for a bride. There is not much expense left for the Bride's family. Is that the same in Morroco and Egypt?

In theory yes, but reality means something entirely different. Like ahmedosman said, you have to take care of your family. Otherwises, it's hsuma. And no wants shame on the family.

JP- In most ME/NA countries and even in Soouth Asia, the custom is that the groom pays for the wedding, but these affairs are more than the single event. The Bride family also can throw a party. In South Asia for example, the day after the wedding (for which the groom pays) there is a party equal in size and expensive given by the Bride's family. Or is it the other way around I'm tired today.

In Jordan I image weddings are also multiday affairs. does the bride's family spend any mney for these?

Yes we do. First we have an engagment party. THe week before the wedding, the bride's family will host a party only for the bride's guest and they will invite the groom and his immediate family. After that, the grooms, family will do the same. On the day of the wedding, each family will host a luncheon at their home where the bride/groom get dressed and their families will come to celebrate and help. Then there is the reception which is becoming less and less common in Jordan. They usually have a gathering after the honeymoon too.

The groom will pick up most of the cost for this stuff. I'd say about 75%. Sometimes the Bride's family will pay for the engagment party and they always pay for the brides party before the wedding.

sigh...I want a four day wedding party

[kofuku 0]

kofuku, ur husband is good man, dont understand it as bad thing, its coustem of arab, as same as american, american woman have to work and that is fact that arab men cant change, and if u dont work, everyone will be attacking u and saying u r bad woman, same for arab man, if he dont help his family, he will say he just left and never care for his family, so even if he paid too much that he can afford, so dont say no and support him, cuz as arab man, if u didnt support him, that means u r acting bad way, and asking him to give up on his family, and i dont think u need to go that way down

plus most important thing, if the guy have sister that getting married, and his family cant afford it and he have to afford too much, that is fact u have to do, cuz if he didnt, the sister inlaws will say she is not good girl cuz her family not taking care of her, its like marrying a american woman that spend most her life in prison cuz of ####### and prustetution and have aids and have 100,000$ loan which she used on drugs!

same shame of that is lefting ur sister marry without afford her stuff

In Jordan, the groom pays for everything. I mean EVERYTHING. He buys the bride's dress, pays for her hair/make-up, the entire wedding, he even gives the bride alot of money upfront for new clothes suitable for a bride. There is not much expense left for the Bride's family. Is that the same in Morroco and Egypt?

In theory yes, but reality means something entirely different. Like ahmedosman said, you have to take care of your family. Otherwises, it's hsuma. And no wants shame on the family.

JP- In most ME/NA countries and even in Soouth Asia, the custom is that the groom pays for the wedding, but these affairs are more than the single event. The Bride family also can throw a party. In South Asia for example, the day after the wedding (for which the groom pays) there is a party equal in size and expensive given by the Bride's family. Or is it the other way around I'm tired today.

In Jordan I image weddings are also multiday affairs. does the bride's family spend any mney for these?

Yes we do. First we have an engagment party. THe week before the wedding, the bride's family will host a party only for the bride's guest and they will invite the groom and his immediate family. After that, the grooms, family will do the same. On the day of the wedding, each family will host a luncheon at their home where the bride/groom get dressed and their families will come to celebrate and help. Then there is the reception which is becoming less and less common in Jordan. They usually have a gathering after the honeymoon too.

The groom will pick up most of the cost for this stuff. I'd say about 75%. Sometimes the Bride's family will pay for the engagment party and they always pay for the brides party before the wedding.

sigh...I want a four day wedding party

Believe me, you'll be happier with an 8 hr. party. Changing a zillion times in a short span of time is tiring

[mybackpages 0]

Believe me, you'll be happier with an 8 hr. party. Changing a zillion times in a short span of time is tiring

But you get to keep the dresses Oh well I guess I can still fill my closet with the dresses and save the time and expense for such a lavish wedding on other things!

[MrsAmera 41]

Abdel and I have a joint account and we deposit his check together in the night deposit. I've taught him how to do the envelope and use his card, but he doesn't remember his pin number so he just uses his card as a credit card sometimes. We agreed up front that his overtime is all his, and if he gets a raise, that money is his too. We pay the bills first, and then split what is left. I tend to just pump all of my extra money back into the house, and don't take an allowance for myself because I just use the card if I want something. I usually spend less on myself a month than what he takes for an allowance, but we have a lot of debt we made on the house right after he got here, so I don't care if I have pocket money or not - I have my bathroom all fancy now and the water heater that never runs out of hot water.

Abdel's parents are deceased, and the sister that raised all of them offers to send money if we need it. We never let her of course, because we don't need it. One of his little brothers asks for money because he is unemployed, and of course the kids ask for toys and things. His sister seems to be the only one who realizes that life here isn't some magic fairyland. We do intend to open a special account for them and take a bank card over to give to his sister when we go visit so she can just withdraw money from the account as she needs it. She raised him and his siblings after their parents died, and he feels like now it is his turn to contribute to the family. As soon as we are able to (January) we both intend to send money every month.

I think the hardest thing for us is that there are so many people in his family there that any money we send will be split so many ways that it will have to be at least $250 to even be worth sending. He's really homesick right now, but even if we had the money for the ticket he wouldn't go because he feels that he has to take a present for every person and the kinds of presents he is looking at are at least $100 each. He has 8 siblings and some are married with kids, so we're talking in the thousands for presents alone. He said it is also normal when his brother from Italy visits for him to slip pocket money to each of the ones who are unemployed each day that he is there, so we'll have to have at least an extra $1,000 per week of our visit in our pockets for that. With his expectations he won't be going home for a couple of years unless he gets a nice raise soon.

Umm this sounds very strange to me. Why is he expected to birng thousands of dollars in presents? I would think that his family would just be happy to see him since he is so far away and they haven't seen him in so long. I would hope that his family understands his financial position and not expect something that isn't possible. I assume they know what he does here? I guess to me it seems like they shouldn't expect him to be successful and rich after one year in the US- that's just silly. I would hope that his family would welcome him with arms open no matter what. Does his family really expect those presents? Hicham's family doesn't expect gifts or money from us. They know it's not easy here and they are proud of him for working and not needing money from his family. They can't wait to see him- presents or no presents. I don't know, I guess that just struck me as sad for your husband because he is homesick but can't go home because he can't afford thousands of dollars in presents.

I was thinking the same thing. I can sympathize with bringing gifts, we took many. Nothing in that range and most people there wouldnt even know what you paid. I don't think anyone expects him to be a huge success in less than a year. Wow I feel really bad for Abdel, I hope he changes his mind and swallows some of that pride because he might never be able to meet those expectations and it shouldnt be a condition for seeing the family. He is too hard on himself.

When I got my gifts for my Jordan trip, Marshalls, Ross were my best friends. So was the clearance rack. I was getting really nice expensive items for a fraction of the cost. I would say my gifts were totally on the generous side compared to what people there were used to getting. I can understand the amount of gifts is usually high, but there are ways to save money. I started planning my trip six months before and thats when I started buying the gifts. When I saw something nice for a good price, I would buy it and put it away. By the time I went I had a ton of stuff!

Oh boy did this strike a chord with me! So yes now that we have some extra money we do send money home to Youssef's mom. His father died 5 years ago, and only two of his 5 sisters has a husband that makes a decent living. So with the baby coming in January Youssef was disapointed that he couldn't go home for Eid (it's on 1/1/07 this year). But obviously he wants to be here when the baby is born. So I did happen to come across a cheap ticket for less than $600 from Chicago to Marrakech and told him he could go at the end of November and stay 2 or 3 weeks if he wanted. But then he decided that he couldn't go until he bought enough presents for everyone and had at least $1000 or more for his visit. I really can't understand this. I've tried to have him explain it to me but he says he doesn't want to go back until he can do this. We have been buying presents gradually (TJ Maxx woohoo!) and I'm glad he's not set on having to spend $100 per person or we'd be super broke! His family does not understand what life is like here and think that because he is here, and his brother and he has another brother in Italy they should all be able to send a lot of money back for them. Apparently news didn't hit that life is a lot harder here. Sometimes we argue about it but not directly about sending money home. We are trying to rent a new place to live and the arguing over money to spend on our bills never ceases.....Oh well..

[kofuku 0]

Oh boy did this strike a chord with me! So yes now that we have some extra money we do send money home to Youssef's mom. His father died 5 years ago, and only two of his 5 sisters has a husband that makes a decent living. So with the baby coming in January Youssef was disapointed that he couldn't go home for Eid (it's on 1/1/07 this year). But obviously he wants to be here when the baby is born. So I did happen to come across a cheap ticket for less than $600 from Chicago to Marrakech and told him he could go at the end of November and stay 2 or 3 weeks if he wanted. But then he decided that he couldn't go until he bought enough presents for everyone and had at least $1000 or more for his visit. I really can't understand this. I've tried to have him explain it to me but he says he doesn't want to go back until he can do this. We have been buying presents gradually (TJ Maxx woohoo!) and I'm glad he's not set on having to spend $100 per person or we'd be super broke! His family does not understand what life is like here and think that because he is here, and his brother and he has another brother in Italy they should all be able to send a lot of money back for them. Apparently news didn't hit that life is a lot harder here. Sometimes we argue about it but not directly about sending money home. We are trying to rent a new place to live and the arguing over money to spend on our bills never ceases.....Oh well..

Man, I feel your pain

[jordanianprincess 0]

Abdel and I have a joint account and we deposit his check together in the night deposit. I've taught him how to do the envelope and use his card, but he doesn't remember his pin number so he just uses his card as a credit card sometimes. We agreed up front that his overtime is all his, and if he gets a raise, that money is his too. We pay the bills first, and then split what is left. I tend to just pump all of my extra money back into the house, and don't take an allowance for myself because I just use the card if I want something. I usually spend less on myself a month than what he takes for an allowance, but we have a lot of debt we made on the house right after he got here, so I don't care if I have pocket money or not - I have my bathroom all fancy now and the water heater that never runs out of hot water.

Abdel's parents are deceased, and the sister that raised all of them offers to send money if we need it. We never let her of course, because we don't need it. One of his little brothers asks for money because he is unemployed, and of course the kids ask for toys and things. His sister seems to be the only one who realizes that life here isn't some magic fairyland. We do intend to open a special account for them and take a bank card over to give to his sister when we go visit so she can just withdraw money from the account as she needs it. She raised him and his siblings after their parents died, and he feels like now it is his turn to contribute to the family. As soon as we are able to (January) we both intend to send money every month.

I think the hardest thing for us is that there are so many people in his family there that any money we send will be split so many ways that it will have to be at least $250 to even be worth sending. He's really homesick right now, but even if we had the money for the ticket he wouldn't go because he feels that he has to take a present for every person and the kinds of presents he is looking at are at least $100 each. He has 8 siblings and some are married with kids, so we're talking in the thousands for presents alone. He said it is also normal when his brother from Italy visits for him to slip pocket money to each of the ones who are unemployed each day that he is there, so we'll have to have at least an extra $1,000 per week of our visit in our pockets for that. With his expectations he won't be going home for a couple of years unless he gets a nice raise soon.

Umm this sounds very strange to me. Why is he expected to birng thousands of dollars in presents? I would think that his family would just be happy to see him since he is so far away and they haven't seen him in so long. I would hope that his family understands his financial position and not expect something that isn't possible. I assume they know what he does here? I guess to me it seems like they shouldn't expect him to be successful and rich after one year in the US- that's just silly. I would hope that his family would welcome him with arms open no matter what. Does his family really expect those presents? Hicham's family doesn't expect gifts or money from us. They know it's not easy here and they are proud of him for working and not needing money from his family. They can't wait to see him- presents or no presents. I don't know, I guess that just struck me as sad for your husband because he is homesick but can't go home because he can't afford thousands of dollars in presents.

I was thinking the same thing. I can sympathize with bringing gifts, we took many. Nothing in that range and most people there wouldnt even know what you paid. I don't think anyone expects him to be a huge success in less than a year. Wow I feel really bad for Abdel, I hope he changes his mind and swallows some of that pride because he might never be able to meet those expectations and it shouldnt be a condition for seeing the family. He is too hard on himself.

When I got my gifts for my Jordan trip, Marshalls, Ross were my best friends. So was the clearance rack. I was getting really nice expensive items for a fraction of the cost. I would say my gifts were totally on the generous side compared to what people there were used to getting. I can understand the amount of gifts is usually high, but there are ways to save money. I started planning my trip six months before and thats when I started buying the gifts. When I saw something nice for a good price, I would buy it and put it away. By the time I went I had a ton of stuff!

Oh boy did this strike a chord with me! So yes now that we have some extra money we do send money home to Youssef's mom. His father died 5 years ago, and only two of his 5 sisters has a husband that makes a decent living. So with the baby coming in January Youssef was disapointed that he couldn't go home for Eid (it's on 1/1/07 this year). But obviously he wants to be here when the baby is born. So I did happen to come across a cheap ticket for less than $600 from Chicago to Marrakech and told him he could go at the end of November and stay 2 or 3 weeks if he wanted. But then he decided that he couldn't go until he bought enough presents for everyone and had at least $1000 or more for his visit. I really can't understand this. I've tried to have him explain it to me but he says he doesn't want to go back until he can do this. We have been buying presents gradually (TJ Maxx woohoo!) and I'm glad he's not set on having to spend $100 per person or we'd be super broke! His family does not understand what life is like here and think that because he is here, and his brother and he has another brother in Italy they should all be able to send a lot of money back for them. Apparently news didn't hit that life is a lot harder here. Sometimes we argue about it but not directly about sending money home. We are trying to rent a new place to live and the arguing over money to spend on our bills never ceases.....Oh well..

Ok on the lavish gifts, its really not necessary but gifts are a must. Trust me, a pair of Levi's would be a very appreciated gift and they don't cost $100. However I will agree on the spending money. I went for 1 month and I took $2500. I didn't spend a penny when I was with my fiance but when I was with my own family I spent quite a bit. Not only that you want to have money to bring stuff back too and just to have extra is nice. You definitly want to have alot of spending money and since you don't have the cost of staying in a hotel its nice to buy groceries and give the family some cash. I would say $1000 is definitly reasonable.

I know people back home have a hard time believing life is hard here, but we still have it easier than they do in most cases. Don't forget the bragging factor, they like to be able to say "my son did this, he did that" etc...When my family and I went to Jordan last year, that trip cost as much as a down payment on a house.

Believe me, you'll be happier with an 8 hr. party. Changing a zillion times in a short span of time is tiring

But you get to keep the dresses Oh well I guess I can still fill my closet with the dresses and save the time and expense for such a lavish wedding on other things!

We don't change clothes. The bride will have a different dress for each party (evening gown) and then just her wedding dress. We had a small engagment party because of a death in his family at that time. We also decided that instead of each of us having our own party before the wedding, we would have a combined one. The reception and no gathering since we decided not to take a honeymoon. Everyday will pretty much be a gathering

I am going to have a rather lavish bridal shower which is something they don't have there. They don't have any kind of wedding showers there or even know what they are. I don't know if Muslim weddngs are different.

[Mandi+Ryan 1]

We will have an account together, we will send money if we have it and after talking it over, and sometimes I do think his family expects us to support them once he comes here. BUT, we have talked about this, and he said all decisions will be finalized through ME first.

[mybackpages 0]

I am going to have a rather lavish bridal shower which is something they don't have there. They don't have any kind of wedding showers there or even know what they are. I don't know if Muslim weddngs are different.

Well the only thing close to a bridal sower that I know if a henna party the night before the wedding. Do Jordanian women do henna JP? Will you?

[doodlebug 3]

You two talk about tax deductions together??? I'm a CPA and I don't even wanna talk about that stuff when I'm off duty!!!! lol

oh cool, maybe you can explain AMT to me cause i just don't get it

I don't either!!!!! I worked for a tax firm for 3 years and hated it. I switched over to auditing and love it now!!! I love the feel of tension in the air when I walk into the room. muhahahahahahaha!!!!!

I still keep up on the laws because I have to do a certain number of CPE's every two years but I haven't done taxes for a long time. The only involvement I have now is to do my own income taxes and a few of my friends and to analyze the tax implications of certain benefits.

[jordanianprincess 0]

I am going to have a rather lavish bridal shower which is something they don't have there. They don't have any kind of wedding showers there or even know what they are. I don't know if Muslim weddngs are different.

Well the only thing close to a bridal sower that I know if a henna party the night before the wedding. Do Jordanian women do henna JP? Will you?

We do Henna but not the same way. The henna is made into a solid formation and put on a serving tray surrounded by flowers and candles. We just dip our pinky finger in it. We will have it at our party before the wedding.

[honeyblonde 0]

tankless water heater?

Yup, you got it. All 4 of us can take showers in a row and still get hot water!

He is too hard on himself.

I think the older family members who have worked don't expect this, but the younger ones who don't work probably do. Honestly though, I think it's more of what he expects of himself.

other guys, who marry for love, he will be willing to work, any shitty job the moment he reach the airport, he will look around to know how to get work authorization, moment he come house, he will be searching for job and searching how to make u stay home without job while he is affording everything for u and taking care of all ur bills

Not always true. My ex got a job the day after he got his social security number which was the day after he got here. He started working 2 jobs immediately. Difference was - he decided that I only needed $300 a month for his share of expenses and the rest was his to do what he wanted with. We split up 6 months after that.

Nothing strange here. It's cultural. My husband said the same thing about bringing gifts to Morocco. I was shocked. But, then again, I was shocked that our lunch on the train was shared with strangers. It's hsuma to eat without offering food to people in front of you. Just like it's hsuma to keep your "wealth" to yourself. You are family and everyone shares. Think about it, I shared their food in one dish, their drink in one cup(until I had to drink separately becuase the water didn't agree with me ). We are all one family and as the saying goes, what's ours is yours. They don't have much, but his parents have already bought us gifts for our home..rugs, couscous dishes, tangines, gifts for the baby, etc... to bring when they come to visit us. I tell my husband I don't need anything from Morocco, but he keeps asking me, "hon, what do you want? they'll bring whatever you need"

Christine

Exactly Christine. Abdel's family was very generous with me, and when I went I did take at least 3 presents for everyone I knew in his family. I totally understand where he is coming from, but just think he's expecting way too much of himself.

what honey blonde says, that shows how much this man is good, but things isnt stable yet, thats why he saying he aint going back home yet until he can do it, ofcourse that is too much for what kind of gifts he talking about, but that shows how much respect he got with his family, which u will be his family one day, and be sure he will give u the same respect!

Thank you ahmed. He's been here over a year now (our anniversary will be December 16th) and yes, he respects me very much.

But you get to keep the dresses

All of the dresses for my engagement ceremony were rented. His sister paid for everything but I can't imagine how much it would have cost if she would have bought them. She rented all of the fancy jewelry to go with them and the lady from the shop came and dressed me and stood by me through the whole ceremony. She wasn't letting that jewelry out of her sight. As soon as the ceremony was over she took everything back to the shop.