Supporting the family

[kofuku 0]

So for those of you that voted that the family depends/expects money to be sent everymonth, has this affected your relationship? Do you fight about it or are you in agreement?

What do you think? My SIL's wedding cost more than ours and we paid twice as much than our own wedding so that she could have such a lavish wedding. My husband said family is more important, than say a newer car or home. I eventually got over it. I was more PO'd about him agreeing beforehand that he would give xy amount without consulting me than I was about the actual amount. He's since learned his lesson.

Edited November 9, 2006 by kofuku

[jordanianprincess 0]

So for those of you that voted that the family depends/expects money to be sent everymonth, has this affected your relationship? Do you fight about it or are you in agreement?

What do you think? My SIL's wedding cost more than ours and we paid twice as much than our own wedding so that she could have such a lavish wedding. My husband said family is more important, than say a newer car or home. I eventually got over it. I was more PO'd about him agreeing beforehand that he would give xy amount without consulting me than I was about the actual amount. He's since learned his lesson.

Why did he pay for his sister's wedding? I thought the Groom was supposed to pay or is that not the same there?

[MichaelGhabour 0]

kofuku, ur husband is good man, dont understand it as bad thing, its coustem of arab, as same as american, american woman have to work and that is fact that arab men cant change, and if u dont work, everyone will be attacking u and saying u r bad woman, same for arab man, if he dont help his family, he will say he just left and never care for his family, so even if he paid too much that he can afford, so dont say no and support him, cuz as arab man, if u didnt support him, that means u r acting bad way, and asking him to give up on his family, and i dont think u need to go that way down

plus most important thing, if the guy have sister that getting married, and his family cant afford it and he have to afford too much, that is fact u have to do, cuz if he didnt, the sister inlaws will say she is not good girl cuz her family not taking care of her, its like marrying a american woman that spend most her life in prison cuz of ####### and prustetution and have aids and have 100,000$ loan which she used on drugs!

same shame of that is lefting ur sister marry without afford her stuff

[kofuku 0]

So for those of you that voted that the family depends/expects money to be sent everymonth, has this affected your relationship? Do you fight about it or are you in agreement?

What do you think? My SIL's wedding cost more than ours and we paid twice as much than our own wedding so that she could have such a lavish wedding. My husband said family is more important, than say a newer car or home. I eventually got over it. I was more PO'd about him agreeing beforehand that he would give xy amount without consulting me than I was about the actual amount. He's since learned his lesson.

Why did he pay for his sister's wedding? I thought the Groom was supposed to pay or is that not the same there?

It was our 'gift' to them. It was not a cheap affair.

[jordanianprincess 0]

So for those of you that voted that the family depends/expects money to be sent everymonth, has this affected your relationship? Do you fight about it or are you in agreement?

What do you think? My SIL's wedding cost more than ours and we paid twice as much than our own wedding so that she could have such a lavish wedding. My husband said family is more important, than say a newer car or home. I eventually got over it. I was more PO'd about him agreeing beforehand that he would give xy amount without consulting me than I was about the actual amount. He's since learned his lesson.

Why did he pay for his sister's wedding? I thought the Groom was supposed to pay or is that not the same there?

It was our 'gift' to them. It was not a cheap affair.

I know, our wedding cost's are creeping up really really HIGH.

[jordanianprincess 0]

kofuku, ur husband is good man, dont understand it as bad thing, its coustem of arab, as same as american, american woman have to work and that is fact that arab men cant change, and if u dont work, everyone will be attacking u and saying u r bad woman, same for arab man, if he dont help his family, he will say he just left and never care for his family, so even if he paid too much that he can afford, so dont say no and support him, cuz as arab man, if u didnt support him, that means u r acting bad way, and asking him to give up on his family, and i dont think u need to go that way down

plus most important thing, if the guy have sister that getting married, and his family cant afford it and he have to afford too much, that is fact u have to do, cuz if he didnt, the sister inlaws will say she is not good girl cuz her family not taking care of her, its like marrying a american woman that spend most her life in prison cuz of ####### and prustetution and have aids and have 100,000$ loan which she used on drugs!

same shame of that is lefting ur sister marry without afford her stuff

In Jordan, the groom pays for everything. I mean EVERYTHING. He buys the bride's dress, pays for her hair/make-up, the entire wedding, he even gives the bride alot of money upfront for new clothes suitable for a bride. There is not much expense left for the Bride's family. Is that the same in Morroco and Egypt?

[kofuku 0]

kofuku, ur husband is good man, dont understand it as bad thing, its coustem of arab, as same as american, american woman have to work and that is fact that arab men cant change, and if u dont work, everyone will be attacking u and saying u r bad woman, same for arab man, if he dont help his family, he will say he just left and never care for his family, so even if he paid too much that he can afford, so dont say no and support him, cuz as arab man, if u didnt support him, that means u r acting bad way, and asking him to give up on his family, and i dont think u need to go that way down

plus most important thing, if the guy have sister that getting married, and his family cant afford it and he have to afford too much, that is fact u have to do, cuz if he didnt, the sister inlaws will say she is not good girl cuz her family not taking care of her, its like marrying a american woman that spend most her life in prison cuz of ####### and prustetution and have aids and have 100,000$ loan which she used on drugs!

same shame of that is lefting ur sister marry without afford her stuff

In Jordan, the groom pays for everything. I mean EVERYTHING. He buys the bride's dress, pays for her hair/make-up, the entire wedding, he even gives the bride alot of money upfront for new clothes suitable for a bride. There is not much expense left for the Bride's family. Is that the same in Morroco and Egypt?

In theory yes, but reality means something entirely different. Like ahmedosman said, you have to take care of your family. Otherwises, it's hsuma. And no wants shame on the family.

[jordanianprincess 0]

kofuku, ur husband is good man, dont understand it as bad thing, its coustem of arab, as same as american, american woman have to work and that is fact that arab men cant change, and if u dont work, everyone will be attacking u and saying u r bad woman, same for arab man, if he dont help his family, he will say he just left and never care for his family, so even if he paid too much that he can afford, so dont say no and support him, cuz as arab man, if u didnt support him, that means u r acting bad way, and asking him to give up on his family, and i dont think u need to go that way down

plus most important thing, if the guy have sister that getting married, and his family cant afford it and he have to afford too much, that is fact u have to do, cuz if he didnt, the sister inlaws will say she is not good girl cuz her family not taking care of her, its like marrying a american woman that spend most her life in prison cuz of ####### and prustetution and have aids and have 100,000$ loan which she used on drugs!

same shame of that is lefting ur sister marry without afford her stuff

In Jordan, the groom pays for everything. I mean EVERYTHING. He buys the bride's dress, pays for her hair/make-up, the entire wedding, he even gives the bride alot of money upfront for new clothes suitable for a bride. There is not much expense left for the Bride's family. Is that the same in Morroco and Egypt?

In theory yes, but reality means something entirely different. Like ahmedosman said, you have to take care of your family. Otherwises, it's hsuma. And no wants shame on the family.

I understand, but its also considered shameful for the bride's family to pay for a lavish wedding for the groom. At least where I come from. Helping out with other expenses is definitly true with the families expenses but not the actual cost of the wedding, I have never heard of that, not in an arab-arab scenario. I can't really speak as to what happens in other countries.

[sarah and hicham 3]

Abdel and I have a joint account and we deposit his check together in the night deposit. I've taught him how to do the envelope and use his card, but he doesn't remember his pin number so he just uses his card as a credit card sometimes. We agreed up front that his overtime is all his, and if he gets a raise, that money is his too. We pay the bills first, and then split what is left. I tend to just pump all of my extra money back into the house, and don't take an allowance for myself because I just use the card if I want something. I usually spend less on myself a month than what he takes for an allowance, but we have a lot of debt we made on the house right after he got here, so I don't care if I have pocket money or not - I have my bathroom all fancy now and the water heater that never runs out of hot water.

Abdel's parents are deceased, and the sister that raised all of them offers to send money if we need it. We never let her of course, because we don't need it. One of his little brothers asks for money because he is unemployed, and of course the kids ask for toys and things. His sister seems to be the only one who realizes that life here isn't some magic fairyland. We do intend to open a special account for them and take a bank card over to give to his sister when we go visit so she can just withdraw money from the account as she needs it. She raised him and his siblings after their parents died, and he feels like now it is his turn to contribute to the family. As soon as we are able to (January) we both intend to send money every month.

I think the hardest thing for us is that there are so many people in his family there that any money we send will be split so many ways that it will have to be at least $250 to even be worth sending. He's really homesick right now, but even if we had the money for the ticket he wouldn't go because he feels that he has to take a present for every person and the kinds of presents he is looking at are at least $100 each. He has 8 siblings and some are married with kids, so we're talking in the thousands for presents alone. He said it is also normal when his brother from Italy visits for him to slip pocket money to each of the ones who are unemployed each day that he is there, so we'll have to have at least an extra $1,000 per week of our visit in our pockets for that. With his expectations he won't be going home for a couple of years unless he gets a nice raise soon.

Umm this sounds very strange to me. Why is he expected to birng thousands of dollars in presents? I would think that his family would just be happy to see him since he is so far away and they haven't seen him in so long. I would hope that his family understands his financial position and not expect something that isn't possible. I assume they know what he does here? I guess to me it seems like they shouldn't expect him to be successful and rich after one year in the US- that's just silly. I would hope that his family would welcome him with arms open no matter what. Does his family really expect those presents? Hicham's family doesn't expect gifts or money from us. They know it's not easy here and they are proud of him for working and not needing money from his family. They can't wait to see him- presents or no presents. I don't know, I guess that just struck me as sad for your husband because he is homesick but can't go home because he can't afford thousands of dollars in presents.

Nothing strange here. It's cultural. My husband said the same thing about bringing gifts to Morocco. I was shocked. But, then again, I was shocked that our lunch on the train was shared with strangers. It's hsuma to eat without offering food to people in front of you. Just like it's hsuma to keep your "wealth" to yourself. You are family and everyone shares. Think about it, I shared their food in one dish, their drink in one cup(until I had to drink separately becuase the water didn't agree with me ). We are all one family and as the saying goes, what's ours is yours. They don't have much, but his parents have already bought us gifts for our home..rugs, couscous dishes, tangines, gifts for the baby, etc... to bring when they come to visit us. I tell my husband I don't need anything from Morocco, but he keeps asking me, "hon, what do you want? they'll bring whatever you need"

Christine

I understand bringing gifts, and I agree with what you are saying. The thing I think is strange is that he thinks he needs to spend thousands of dollars on gifts in order to go see his family. Like it has been said before it's great to bring gifts and I'm sure most of us do it but there are ways of bringing gifts without spending a fortune. I don't think his family is going to ask him how much he spent on them.

[sarachid 0]

We have our own accounts now but oneday we will just have one, and Rachid will manage it....

We have not yet sent money back to his family but we will when Rachid gets his AOS and starts working again.

As for the gifts topic... I never go anywhere empty handed anyways let alone to my husband's family... Now I don't mean I will have a new car or something for them but anything would be a great.... Before I came back home from meeting Rachid and his family for the first time, Rachid's family gave me things to give to my family... I thought that was awesome...

[kofuku 0]

Abdel and I have a joint account and we deposit his check together in the night deposit. I've taught him how to do the envelope and use his card, but he doesn't remember his pin number so he just uses his card as a credit card sometimes. We agreed up front that his overtime is all his, and if he gets a raise, that money is his too. We pay the bills first, and then split what is left. I tend to just pump all of my extra money back into the house, and don't take an allowance for myself because I just use the card if I want something. I usually spend less on myself a month than what he takes for an allowance, but we have a lot of debt we made on the house right after he got here, so I don't care if I have pocket money or not - I have my bathroom all fancy now and the water heater that never runs out of hot water.

Abdel's parents are deceased, and the sister that raised all of them offers to send money if we need it. We never let her of course, because we don't need it. One of his little brothers asks for money because he is unemployed, and of course the kids ask for toys and things. His sister seems to be the only one who realizes that life here isn't some magic fairyland. We do intend to open a special account for them and take a bank card over to give to his sister when we go visit so she can just withdraw money from the account as she needs it. She raised him and his siblings after their parents died, and he feels like now it is his turn to contribute to the family. As soon as we are able to (January) we both intend to send money every month.

I think the hardest thing for us is that there are so many people in his family there that any money we send will be split so many ways that it will have to be at least $250 to even be worth sending. He's really homesick right now, but even if we had the money for the ticket he wouldn't go because he feels that he has to take a present for every person and the kinds of presents he is looking at are at least $100 each. He has 8 siblings and some are married with kids, so we're talking in the thousands for presents alone. He said it is also normal when his brother from Italy visits for him to slip pocket money to each of the ones who are unemployed each day that he is there, so we'll have to have at least an extra $1,000 per week of our visit in our pockets for that. With his expectations he won't be going home for a couple of years unless he gets a nice raise soon.

Umm this sounds very strange to me. Why is he expected to birng thousands of dollars in presents? I would think that his family would just be happy to see him since he is so far away and they haven't seen him in so long. I would hope that his family understands his financial position and not expect something that isn't possible. I assume they know what he does here? I guess to me it seems like they shouldn't expect him to be successful and rich after one year in the US- that's just silly. I would hope that his family would welcome him with arms open no matter what. Does his family really expect those presents? Hicham's family doesn't expect gifts or money from us. They know it's not easy here and they are proud of him for working and not needing money from his family. They can't wait to see him- presents or no presents. I don't know, I guess that just struck me as sad for your husband because he is homesick but can't go home because he can't afford thousands of dollars in presents.

Nothing strange here. It's cultural. My husband said the same thing about bringing gifts to Morocco. I was shocked. But, then again, I was shocked that our lunch on the train was shared with strangers. It's hsuma to eat without offering food to people in front of you. Just like it's hsuma to keep your "wealth" to yourself. You are family and everyone shares. Think about it, I shared their food in one dish, their drink in one cup(until I had to drink separately becuase the water didn't agree with me ). We are all one family and as the saying goes, what's ours is yours. They don't have much, but his parents have already bought us gifts for our home..rugs, couscous dishes, tangines, gifts for the baby, etc... to bring when they come to visit us. I tell my husband I don't need anything from Morocco, but he keeps asking me, "hon, what do you want? they'll bring whatever you need"

Christine

I understand bringing gifts, and I agree with what you are saying. The thing I think is strange is that he thinks he needs to spend thousands of dollars on gifts in order to go see his family. Like it has been said before it's great to bring gifts and I'm sure most of us do it but there are ways of bringing gifts without spending a fortune. I don't think his family is going to ask him how much he spent on them.

Agreed, but when people have a large extended family, you can end up spending like it's Christmas time. Personally, I'm doing my shopping at Ross.

[jordanianprincess 0]

Abdel and I have a joint account and we deposit his check together in the night deposit. I've taught him how to do the envelope and use his card, but he doesn't remember his pin number so he just uses his card as a credit card sometimes. We agreed up front that his overtime is all his, and if he gets a raise, that money is his too. We pay the bills first, and then split what is left. I tend to just pump all of my extra money back into the house, and don't take an allowance for myself because I just use the card if I want something. I usually spend less on myself a month than what he takes for an allowance, but we have a lot of debt we made on the house right after he got here, so I don't care if I have pocket money or not - I have my bathroom all fancy now and the water heater that never runs out of hot water.

Abdel's parents are deceased, and the sister that raised all of them offers to send money if we need it. We never let her of course, because we don't need it. One of his little brothers asks for money because he is unemployed, and of course the kids ask for toys and things. His sister seems to be the only one who realizes that life here isn't some magic fairyland. We do intend to open a special account for them and take a bank card over to give to his sister when we go visit so she can just withdraw money from the account as she needs it. She raised him and his siblings after their parents died, and he feels like now it is his turn to contribute to the family. As soon as we are able to (January) we both intend to send money every month.

I think the hardest thing for us is that there are so many people in his family there that any money we send will be split so many ways that it will have to be at least $250 to even be worth sending. He's really homesick right now, but even if we had the money for the ticket he wouldn't go because he feels that he has to take a present for every person and the kinds of presents he is looking at are at least $100 each. He has 8 siblings and some are married with kids, so we're talking in the thousands for presents alone. He said it is also normal when his brother from Italy visits for him to slip pocket money to each of the ones who are unemployed each day that he is there, so we'll have to have at least an extra $1,000 per week of our visit in our pockets for that. With his expectations he won't be going home for a couple of years unless he gets a nice raise soon.

Umm this sounds very strange to me. Why is he expected to birng thousands of dollars in presents? I would think that his family would just be happy to see him since he is so far away and they haven't seen him in so long. I would hope that his family understands his financial position and not expect something that isn't possible. I assume they know what he does here? I guess to me it seems like they shouldn't expect him to be successful and rich after one year in the US- that's just silly. I would hope that his family would welcome him with arms open no matter what. Does his family really expect those presents? Hicham's family doesn't expect gifts or money from us. They know it's not easy here and they are proud of him for working and not needing money from his family. They can't wait to see him- presents or no presents. I don't know, I guess that just struck me as sad for your husband because he is homesick but can't go home because he can't afford thousands of dollars in presents.

Nothing strange here. It's cultural. My husband said the same thing about bringing gifts to Morocco. I was shocked. But, then again, I was shocked that our lunch on the train was shared with strangers. It's hsuma to eat without offering food to people in front of you. Just like it's hsuma to keep your "wealth" to yourself. You are family and everyone shares. Think about it, I shared their food in one dish, their drink in one cup(until I had to drink separately becuase the water didn't agree with me ). We are all one family and as the saying goes, what's ours is yours. They don't have much, but his parents have already bought us gifts for our home..rugs, couscous dishes, tangines, gifts for the baby, etc... to bring when they come to visit us. I tell my husband I don't need anything from Morocco, but he keeps asking me, "hon, what do you want? they'll bring whatever you need"

Christine

I understand bringing gifts, and I agree with what you are saying. The thing I think is strange is that he thinks he needs to spend thousands of dollars on gifts in order to go see his family. Like it has been said before it's great to bring gifts and I'm sure most of us do it but there are ways of bringing gifts without spending a fortune. I don't think his family is going to ask him how much he spent on them.

Agreed, but when people have a large extended family, you can end up spending like it's Christmas time. Personally, I'm doing my shopping at Ross.

Heck ya girlfriend! That is exactly what I did! Where else can you get a Ralph Lauren sweater for $20? I mean who really cares if one sleeve is longer than the other. jk Serisouly I am bargain queen addict. ADDICT I tell ya.

[kofuku 0]

kofuku, ur husband is good man, dont understand it as bad thing, its coustem of arab, as same as american, american woman have to work and that is fact that arab men cant change, and if u dont work, everyone will be attacking u and saying u r bad woman, same for arab man, if he dont help his family, he will say he just left and never care for his family, so even if he paid too much that he can afford, so dont say no and support him, cuz as arab man, if u didnt support him, that means u r acting bad way, and asking him to give up on his family, and i dont think u need to go that way down

plus most important thing, if the guy have sister that getting married, and his family cant afford it and he have to afford too much, that is fact u have to do, cuz if he didnt, the sister inlaws will say she is not good girl cuz her family not taking care of her, its like marrying a american woman that spend most her life in prison cuz of ####### and prustetution and have aids and have 100,000$ loan which she used on drugs!

same shame of that is lefting ur sister marry without afford her stuff

In Jordan, the groom pays for everything. I mean EVERYTHING. He buys the bride's dress, pays for her hair/make-up, the entire wedding, he even gives the bride alot of money upfront for new clothes suitable for a bride. There is not much expense left for the Bride's family. Is that the same in Morroco and Egypt?

In theory yes, but reality means something entirely different. Like ahmedosman said, you have to take care of your family. Otherwises, it's hsuma. And no wants shame on the family.

I understand, but its also considered shameful for the bride's family to pay for a lavish wedding for the groom. At least where I come from. Helping out with other expenses is definitly true with the families expenses but not the actual cost of the wedding, I have never heard of that, not in an arab-arab scenario. I can't really speak as to what happens in other countries.

That's why it was a "gift" from us. Our family has NO money for a wedding. To make sure she could have the wedding she wanted, we gave her money to spend as she pleased.

Abdel and I have a joint account and we deposit his check together in the night deposit. I've taught him how to do the envelope and use his card, but he doesn't remember his pin number so he just uses his card as a credit card sometimes. We agreed up front that his overtime is all his, and if he gets a raise, that money is his too. We pay the bills first, and then split what is left. I tend to just pump all of my extra money back into the house, and don't take an allowance for myself because I just use the card if I want something. I usually spend less on myself a month than what he takes for an allowance, but we have a lot of debt we made on the house right after he got here, so I don't care if I have pocket money or not - I have my bathroom all fancy now and the water heater that never runs out of hot water.

Abdel's parents are deceased, and the sister that raised all of them offers to send money if we need it. We never let her of course, because we don't need it. One of his little brothers asks for money because he is unemployed, and of course the kids ask for toys and things. His sister seems to be the only one who realizes that life here isn't some magic fairyland. We do intend to open a special account for them and take a bank card over to give to his sister when we go visit so she can just withdraw money from the account as she needs it. She raised him and his siblings after their parents died, and he feels like now it is his turn to contribute to the family. As soon as we are able to (January) we both intend to send money every month.

I think the hardest thing for us is that there are so many people in his family there that any money we send will be split so many ways that it will have to be at least $250 to even be worth sending. He's really homesick right now, but even if we had the money for the ticket he wouldn't go because he feels that he has to take a present for every person and the kinds of presents he is looking at are at least $100 each. He has 8 siblings and some are married with kids, so we're talking in the thousands for presents alone. He said it is also normal when his brother from Italy visits for him to slip pocket money to each of the ones who are unemployed each day that he is there, so we'll have to have at least an extra $1,000 per week of our visit in our pockets for that. With his expectations he won't be going home for a couple of years unless he gets a nice raise soon.

Umm this sounds very strange to me. Why is he expected to birng thousands of dollars in presents? I would think that his family would just be happy to see him since he is so far away and they haven't seen him in so long. I would hope that his family understands his financial position and not expect something that isn't possible. I assume they know what he does here? I guess to me it seems like they shouldn't expect him to be successful and rich after one year in the US- that's just silly. I would hope that his family would welcome him with arms open no matter what. Does his family really expect those presents? Hicham's family doesn't expect gifts or money from us. They know it's not easy here and they are proud of him for working and not needing money from his family. They can't wait to see him- presents or no presents. I don't know, I guess that just struck me as sad for your husband because he is homesick but can't go home because he can't afford thousands of dollars in presents.

Nothing strange here. It's cultural. My husband said the same thing about bringing gifts to Morocco. I was shocked. But, then again, I was shocked that our lunch on the train was shared with strangers. It's hsuma to eat without offering food to people in front of you. Just like it's hsuma to keep your "wealth" to yourself. You are family and everyone shares. Think about it, I shared their food in one dish, their drink in one cup(until I had to drink separately becuase the water didn't agree with me ). We are all one family and as the saying goes, what's ours is yours. They don't have much, but his parents have already bought us gifts for our home..rugs, couscous dishes, tangines, gifts for the baby, etc... to bring when they come to visit us. I tell my husband I don't need anything from Morocco, but he keeps asking me, "hon, what do you want? they'll bring whatever you need"

Christine

I understand bringing gifts, and I agree with what you are saying. The thing I think is strange is that he thinks he needs to spend thousands of dollars on gifts in order to go see his family. Like it has been said before it's great to bring gifts and I'm sure most of us do it but there are ways of bringing gifts without spending a fortune. I don't think his family is going to ask him how much he spent on them.

Agreed, but when people have a large extended family, you can end up spending like it's Christmas time. Personally, I'm doing my shopping at Ross.

Heck ya girlfriend! That is exactly what I did! Where else can you get a Ralph Lauren sweater for $20? I mean who really cares if one sleeve is longer than the other. jk Serisouly I am bargain queen addict. ADDICT I tell ya.

My sister is training me to be a bargain queen. That's her store and I'll see how I do.

[jordanianprincess 0]

My sister is training me to be a bargain queen. That's her store and I'll see how I do.

LOL it definitly takes work! I can spot a bargain from a mile away now. I drive my friends crazy!

[AngelK96 0]

Heck ya girlfriend! That is exactly what I did! Where else can you get a Ralph Lauren sweater for $20? I mean who really cares if one sleeve is longer than the other. jk Serisouly I am bargain queen addict. ADDICT I tell ya.

LMAO dayum!!!!