Supporting the family

[ya falaha! 0]

They take it to a whole new level. At least the good ones do. The sorry ones are happy to sit on their behinds while their wife or fiancee works her tail off.

I didn't have to work during my previous marriage because of this pride. It was nice to be able to stay home with the kiddos. Now that I've been working again nearly two years I think I'd miss it if I had to stay home again.

Edited November 9, 2006 by moody

[jordanianprincess 0]

I don't know about the rest of the ME/NA but many Egyptian men tell each other fairy tales about the US and how they'll be ultra successful in no time. Also when they see American TV and movies many tend to think this is the norm. Maybe that's why they expect so much.

I know for my inlaws they never expected me to bring them anything. I don't think they'd expect anything from my husband either. When I visited I asked if they wanted or needed anything and they always responded..just you, just bring yourself. Of course I brought them stuff but it was small stuff like chocolates and body lotion (I only have SILs). They were thrilled with the chocolates!

They do this in Morocco too. My fiance wants to begin supporting me and my children as soon as he gets here too. He wants me to put my salary into savings. I've had to explain to him that I have a somewhat significant salary and he will have to start working at a much, much lower wage when he gets here. He's having a hard time dealing with the fact that for a little while, he will be staying at home while I go to work. He says, I'm not going to stand with my arms folded and sit at home and wait for you to bring home money to support me and watch you go to work everyday. I said wellllllllllllll, until you are legal to work, you will!

I know that this would be hard for most men, but is it me, or do Arab men take pride to a whole new level? :blink:

In the ME/NA, pride is what seperates men and boys.

[sarah and hicham 3]

I would be pissed if Hicham showed up and made no effort to work and just sat around all day. If he came here and decided he was above restaurant work or that he just didn't want to work I would be really dissapointed. Luckily he got a job within 2 weeks of being here. HE works 50 hours a week and I am really proud of him.

[AichaKandisha 0]

I would be pissed if Hicham showed up and made no effort to work and just sat around all day. If he came here and decided he was above restaurant work or that he just didn't want to work I would be really dissapointed. Luckily he got a job within 2 weeks of being here. HE works 50 hours a week and I am really proud of him.

Within 2 weeks?! Ok, I need to do some more reading about work permits. Can he get a work permit when he comes through POE or is it something we have to file for once he is here? I was under the impression that it would take several weeks to get a work permit. If he can start working once he gets here then we both will be VERY happy!

[sarah and hicham 3]

I would be pissed if Hicham showed up and made no effort to work and just sat around all day. If he came here and decided he was above restaurant work or that he just didn't want to work I would be really dissapointed. Luckily he got a job within 2 weeks of being here. HE works 50 hours a week and I am really proud of him.

Within 2 weeks?! Ok, I need to do some more reading about work permits. Can he get a work permit when he comes through POE or is it something we have to file for once he is here? I was under the impression that it would take several weeks to get a work permit. If he can start working once he gets here then we both will be VERY happy!

He got temp EAD at JFK and we filed for SS card right after he got here. He had the job secured and only needed the SS card to get going!

[jordanianprincess 0]

My entire extended family are immigrants. We have some really successful people in my family all of which came here with nothing. I remember not to long ago, my fiances cousin was visiting him from the US. They sat down and started talking about life in the US. His cousin came here with nothing and now has a very successful business and doesnt even work. He told my fiance "Someone that wants to work will work, and if you want to make money you will". I see alot of that from some of the stories I have heard in our forum.

The most important thing with a ME/NA man is independance. Let them feel independant and they will take their success to a whole other level. Everyone has to start somewhere but it is those that have the drive and ambition that will turn it into something else.

[AichaKandisha 0]

I just read the Visa FAQ about work permits. It says if he gets the 90 day work permit at POE, then once we are married, we will have to file for another work permit and that will leave a gap where he won't be legal to work. They suggest to avoid that, to not get the EAD at POE, get married right away, and file for the work permit immediately after. Sarah or others that have already experienced this, what is your experience with this?

[sarah and hicham 3]

I just read the Visa FAQ about work permits. It says if he gets the 90 day work permit at POE, then once we are married, we will have to file for another work permit and that will leave a gap where he won't be legal to work. They suggest to avoid that, to not get the EAD at POE, get married right away, and file for the work permit immediately after. Sarah or others that have already experienced this, what is your experience with this?

Right...

Hicham got temp EAD at JFK. IT is the only airport offering it now a days. He had authorization to work for 90 days. We got married about 3 weeks after he got here. His temp work authorization ran out of Oct. 31st. We filed for work authorization and Adjustment of status in the end of Sept. Hicham can't work until he gets his work authorization approved which will hopefully be in the next few weeks. The sooner you file AOS and EAD the smaller the gap will be.

I would reccoment reading the guides and getting familiar with AOS before your fiance comes. GOod luck.

[doodlebug 3]

Well it's not like we haven't talked at all. At first he told me he wanted me to stay home and not work. It took me about three weeks to convince him that because of my expenses that would not be possible at first. He now knows internally that it will take a few years before he can be the only breadwinner but he's not thrilled about it and still has in the very far back of his mind that he'll find the magic combo over here and be able to do it. He nearly fainted when I gave him the total of my monthy expense! That's when he was like, "oh....then you need to work for a few years".

I just don't want to get into the other specifics with him yet over the net. I think him being here will be easier to explain because he'll see it for real. Of course we've gone over the basics though aside from money including children, parenting styles, expectations of each other as a husband/wife, expectations of how we'll treat our families, etc. I wouldn't even consider getting into something so serious without talking about such things at length.

Anyways the money issues I had with my ex were different. He was a jerk. The day after we came home from our honeymoon he quit his job and announced that he was starting his own business. It went downhill from there. I got very little if at all money from him in the five years we were married so it was me doing all the work with the kids and at work and supporting us financially. I kept bugging him after year 2 because I know that if you make a loss three years in a row the IRS considers your company a hobby and not a real business. Anyhoo he was hiding money from me and spending well over $100k/year on his drag race car. Still does, but because he cheats on his taxes I don't get nearly what I should in child support. I don't really need it but still it's the principle.

As for marrying someone I haven't met physically...that's a whole nuther thread that I'm sure would get locked. I was friends with my ex 5 years before we started dating, dated for 2 years, 1 of which we lived together and the marriage fizzled out after 5 because he was a jekl and hyde.

[sarah and hicham 3]

Well it's not like we haven't talked at all. At first he told me he wanted me to stay home and not work. It took me about three weeks to convince him that because of my expenses that would not be possible at first. He now knows internally that it will take a few years before he can be the only breadwinner but he's not thrilled about it and still has in the very far back of his mind that he'll find the magic combo over here and be able to do it. He nearly fainted when I gave him the total of my monthy expense! That's when he was like, "oh....then you need to work for a few years".

I just don't want to get into the other specifics with him yet over the net. I think him being here will be easier to explain because he'll see it for real. Of course we've gone over the basics though aside from money including children, parenting styles, expectations of each other as a husband/wife, expectations of how we'll treat our families, etc. I wouldn't even consider getting into something so serious without talking about such things at length.

Anyways the money issues I had with my ex were different. He was a jerk. The day after we came home from our honeymoon he quit his job and announced that he was starting his own business. It went downhill from there. I got very little if at all money from him in the five years we were married so it was me doing all the work with the kids and at work and supporting us financially. I kept bugging him after year 2 because I know that if you make a loss three years in a row the IRS considers your company a hobby and not a real business. Anyhoo he was hiding money from me and spending well over $100k/year on his drag race car. Still does, but because he cheats on his taxes I don't get nearly what I should in child support. I don't really need it but still it's the principle.

As for marrying someone I haven't met physically...that's a whole nuther thread that I'm sure would get locked. I was friends with my ex 5 years before we started dating, dated for 2 years, 1 of which we lived together and the marriage fizzled out after 5 because he was a jekl and hyde.

I just don't know how someone doesn't want to talk about specifics however you can accept a marriage proposal over the internet and make plans to marry without even having spet one day together. I guess I just don't get that.

[jordanianprincess 0]

Well it's not like we haven't talked at all. At first he told me he wanted me to stay home and not work. It took me about three weeks to convince him that because of my expenses that would not be possible at first. He now knows internally that it will take a few years before he can be the only breadwinner but he's not thrilled about it and still has in the very far back of his mind that he'll find the magic combo over here and be able to do it. He nearly fainted when I gave him the total of my monthy expense! That's when he was like, "oh....then you need to work for a few years".

I just don't want to get into the other specifics with him yet over the net. I think him being here will be easier to explain because he'll see it for real. Of course we've gone over the basics though aside from money including children, parenting styles, expectations of each other as a husband/wife, expectations of how we'll treat our families, etc. I wouldn't even consider getting into something so serious without talking about such things at length.

Anyways the money issues I had with my ex were different. He was a jerk. The day after we came home from our honeymoon he quit his job and announced that he was starting his own business. It went downhill from there. I got very little if at all money from him in the five years we were married so it was me doing all the work with the kids and at work and supporting us financially. I kept bugging him after year 2 because I know that if you make a loss three years in a row the IRS considers your company a hobby and not a real business. Anyhoo he was hiding money from me and spending well over $100k/year on his drag race car. Still does, but because he cheats on his taxes I don't get nearly what I should in child support. I don't really need it but still it's the principle.

As for marrying someone I haven't met physically...that's a whole nuther thread that I'm sure would get locked. I was friends with my ex 5 years before we started dating, dated for 2 years, 1 of which we lived together and the marriage fizzled out after 5 because he was a jekl and hyde.

I just don't know how someone doesn't want to talk about specifics however you can accept a marriage proposal over the internet and make plans to marry without even having spet one day together. I guess I just don't get that.

Doodle, it may be worth the time just to open the subject with him. That way if it causes any kind of fight/arguement, at least it won't be during your visit.

[doodlebug 3]

I just don't know how someone doesn't want to talk about specifics however you can accept a marriage proposal over the internet and make plans to marry without even having spet one day together. I guess I just don't get that.

The specifics are the following, which I'm sure most engaged couples have never talked about:

1) interest bearing account or no?

2) joint or separate accounts? Currently he has NO bank account so I'd have to explain how a checking and savings account works and work from there...much easier to do in person and I surely don't think it'll be a deal breaker. He now keeps his money in a pillow and just uses cash. When he is here and sees how everyone uses a debit card at the market I think he'll get the point. Hard to explain this via the webcam/phone.

3) Taxes. He has no idea how much taxes and what kind get taken out of his paycheck every week when he works in the US. I'd rather show him my stub and explain it side-by-side.

4) Cost of food - he keeps saying that cooking from scratch is better for you. I think once he sees our schedules with work/kids, etc. he will embrace Betty Crocker's cake mixes, canned tomatoes, canned tomato sauce, etc. Of course I'm not thinking tv dinners each night but when and if I can cut corners I most definitely do.

These are the things that I am talking about and I really feel that it would be a waste of my time to try to explain it to him via the web.

Like I said, a thread purely regarding internet relationships would probably get huge and just locked because there are so very many people here who have done it and I just know feelings would get in the way. It will have been about 9 months that we have talked each day just about for 2 to 3 hours a day via the webcam before I go there. Is it enough? I will soon find out. I don't think I would have to start from scratch once I get there. The things that are missing are obviously physical, such as his mannerisms, his emotions when around many people with me, etc. We've talked about this but it's still not the same in person, I give you that. If, when I get there, I get a total vibe of "heeeeeeeeeelll no", then obviously I won't do it, but I really don't think that will happen.

[jordanianprincess 0]

I just don't know how someone doesn't want to talk about specifics however you can accept a marriage proposal over the internet and make plans to marry without even having spet one day together. I guess I just don't get that.

The specifics are the following, which I'm sure most engaged couples have never talked about:

1) interest bearing account or no?

2) joint or separate accounts? Currently he has NO bank account so I'd have to explain how a checking and savings account works and work from there...much easier to do in person and I surely don't think it'll be a deal breaker. He now keeps his money in a pillow and just uses cash. When he is here and sees how everyone uses a debit card at the market I think he'll get the point. Hard to explain this via the webcam/phone.

3) Taxes. He has no idea how much taxes and what kind get taken out of his paycheck every week when he works in the US. I'd rather show him my stub and explain it side-by-side.

4) Cost of food - he keeps saying that cooking from scratch is better for you. I think once he sees our schedules with work/kids, etc. he will embrace Betty Crocker's cake mixes, canned tomatoes, canned tomato sauce, etc. Of course I'm not thinking tv dinners each night but when and if I can cut corners I most definitely do.

These are the things that I am talking about and I really feel that it would be a waste of my time to try to explain it to him via the web.

Like I said, a thread purely regarding internet relationships would probably get huge and just locked because there are so very many people here who have done it and I just know feelings would get in the way. It will have been about 9 months that we have talked each day just about for 2 to 3 hours a day via the webcam before I go there. Is it enough? I will soon find out. I don't think I would have to start from scratch once I get there. The things that are missing are obviously physical, such as his mannerisms, his emotions when around many people with me, etc. We've talked about this but it's still not the same in person, I give you that. If, when I get there, I get a total vibe of "heeeeeeeeeelll no", then obviously I won't do it, but I really don't think that will happen.

It's so funny how different personalities are. My fiance asks me so many questions that I lose it sometimes. We have discussed everything under the sun and yet he still finds questions to ask me. Everything you have said, we have discussed and then some. Maybe we talked online more than others? We used to talk for hours everyday, so I guessed thats why we covered so much ground. There was nothing to do but talk.

[doodlebug 3]

It's so funny how different personalities are. My fiance asks me so many questions that I lose it sometimes. We have discussed everything under the sun and yet he still finds questions to ask me. Everything you have said, we have discussed and then some. Maybe we talked online more than others? We used to talk for hours everyday, so I guessed thats why we covered so much ground. There was nothing to do but talk.

You two talk about tax deductions together??? I'm a CPA and I don't even wanna talk about that stuff when I'm off duty!!!! lol

[jordanianprincess 0]

It's so funny how different personalities are. My fiance asks me so many questions that I lose it sometimes. We have discussed everything under the sun and yet he still finds questions to ask me. Everything you have said, we have discussed and then some. Maybe we talked online more than others? We used to talk for hours everyday, so I guessed thats why we covered so much ground. There was nothing to do but talk.

You two talk about tax deductions together??? I'm a CPA and I don't even wanna talk about that stuff when I'm off duty!!!! lol

Well yes we have, he is so curious it drives me nuts sometimes. I can't say I have enjoyed talking about it, but it would have driven me crazy to discuss it during my vacation. He actually has a good understanding now of our tax system, banking system, loans & interest, etc. Maybe your career is why you don't want to talk about it, lol.