Supporting the family

[Donna A 4]

lets see. we live off of my checks and bank all of his in our joint account. i make more so its easier to pay all the bills and have some spending money left.

we send money for child support and our house we have there. but for supporting his family no. they are all working and living comfortably so no need for money from us.

[honeyblonde 0]

Abdel and I have a joint account and we deposit his check together in the night deposit. I've taught him how to do the envelope and use his card, but he doesn't remember his pin number so he just uses his card as a credit card sometimes. We agreed up front that his overtime is all his, and if he gets a raise, that money is his too. We pay the bills first, and then split what is left. I tend to just pump all of my extra money back into the house, and don't take an allowance for myself because I just use the card if I want something. I usually spend less on myself a month than what he takes for an allowance, but we have a lot of debt we made on the house right after he got here, so I don't care if I have pocket money or not - I have my bathroom all fancy now and the water heater that never runs out of hot water.

Abdel's parents are deceased, and the sister that raised all of them offers to send money if we need it. We never let her of course, because we don't need it. One of his little brothers asks for money because he is unemployed, and of course the kids ask for toys and things. His sister seems to be the only one who realizes that life here isn't some magic fairyland. We do intend to open a special account for them and take a bank card over to give to his sister when we go visit so she can just withdraw money from the account as she needs it. She raised him and his siblings after their parents died, and he feels like now it is his turn to contribute to the family. As soon as we are able to (January) we both intend to send money every month.

I think the hardest thing for us is that there are so many people in his family there that any money we send will be split so many ways that it will have to be at least $250 to even be worth sending. He's really homesick right now, but even if we had the money for the ticket he wouldn't go because he feels that he has to take a present for every person and the kinds of presents he is looking at are at least $100 each. He has 8 siblings and some are married with kids, so we're talking in the thousands for presents alone. He said it is also normal when his brother from Italy visits for him to slip pocket money to each of the ones who are unemployed each day that he is there, so we'll have to have at least an extra $1,000 per week of our visit in our pockets for that. With his expectations he won't be going home for a couple of years unless he gets a nice raise soon.

[Ban Hammer 13,346]

the water heater that never runs out of hot water.

tankless water heater?

[jordanianprincess 0]

Wow! I didn't expect to see so many people with a joint account and then each having an account of their own. I can't even stand dealing with 1 checking account, I can't imagine 3!!!

I think we are just going to have 1 checking account and 1 savings account, I will most likely just add him on to my accounts since I have had them for so long and I'm not allowed to switch banks anyway. I have never really done that whole allowance thing, even for myself. I find that I spend less money that way. If I take a $200 allowance, I will find a way to spend it in one day. Cash always seems to burn a hole in my pocket.

[sarah and hicham 3]

Abdel and I have a joint account and we deposit his check together in the night deposit. I've taught him how to do the envelope and use his card, but he doesn't remember his pin number so he just uses his card as a credit card sometimes. We agreed up front that his overtime is all his, and if he gets a raise, that money is his too. We pay the bills first, and then split what is left. I tend to just pump all of my extra money back into the house, and don't take an allowance for myself because I just use the card if I want something. I usually spend less on myself a month than what he takes for an allowance, but we have a lot of debt we made on the house right after he got here, so I don't care if I have pocket money or not - I have my bathroom all fancy now and the water heater that never runs out of hot water.

Abdel's parents are deceased, and the sister that raised all of them offers to send money if we need it. We never let her of course, because we don't need it. One of his little brothers asks for money because he is unemployed, and of course the kids ask for toys and things. His sister seems to be the only one who realizes that life here isn't some magic fairyland. We do intend to open a special account for them and take a bank card over to give to his sister when we go visit so she can just withdraw money from the account as she needs it. She raised him and his siblings after their parents died, and he feels like now it is his turn to contribute to the family. As soon as we are able to (January) we both intend to send money every month.

I think the hardest thing for us is that there are so many people in his family there that any money we send will be split so many ways that it will have to be at least $250 to even be worth sending. He's really homesick right now, but even if we had the money for the ticket he wouldn't go because he feels that he has to take a present for every person and the kinds of presents he is looking at are at least $100 each. He has 8 siblings and some are married with kids, so we're talking in the thousands for presents alone. He said it is also normal when his brother from Italy visits for him to slip pocket money to each of the ones who are unemployed each day that he is there, so we'll have to have at least an extra $1,000 per week of our visit in our pockets for that. With his expectations he won't be going home for a couple of years unless he gets a nice raise soon.

Umm this sounds very strange to me. Why is he expected to birng thousands of dollars in presents? I would think that his family would just be happy to see him since he is so far away and they haven't seen him in so long. I would hope that his family understands his financial position and not expect something that isn't possible. I assume they know what he does here? I guess to me it seems like they shouldn't expect him to be successful and rich after one year in the US- that's just silly. I would hope that his family would welcome him with arms open no matter what. Does his family really expect those presents? Hicham's family doesn't expect gifts or money from us. They know it's not easy here and they are proud of him for working and not needing money from his family. They can't wait to see him- presents or no presents. I don't know, I guess that just struck me as sad for your husband because he is homesick but can't go home because he can't afford thousands of dollars in presents.

[ya falaha! 0]

I don't know about the rest of the ME/NA but many Egyptian men tell each other fairy tales about the US and how they'll be ultra successful in no time. Also when they see American TV and movies many tend to think this is the norm. Maybe that's why they expect so much.

I know for my inlaws they never expected me to bring them anything. I don't think they'd expect anything from my husband either. When I visited I asked if they wanted or needed anything and they always responded..just you, just bring yourself. Of course I brought them stuff but it was small stuff like chocolates and body lotion (I only have SILs). They were thrilled with the chocolates!

[sarah and hicham 3]

i have no idea what we'll do. That was an issue in my first marriage so I guess we should talk about it. Thing is that he really has no idea what it takes to live here financially and seems to think that once he arrives the golden doors will open and opportunity will just yell out his name.

He wants to support me but I want to live in the manner to which I"ve become accustomed. I don't think those two will match up so I dunno what we'll do. I"m fine with him just giving me what he can for the first few years until he gets established but he's not. I think I'm waiting for him to come and see exactly what the situation is here before I get into that argument since it will be like a useless conversation until that point.

I have not sent money though I've tried but he won't let me. Pride. Isn't that one of the 7 deadly sins?

I hope that you do talk to your fiance about what he should expect here. I think a lot of men have ideas about the US and working and that it's the land of opportunity and that they will make tons of money and get a job in a day etc. I don't understand how he thinks he can support you (and your kids?) from the moment he gets here? Does he know how much everything costs here? I don't know but for me I talked to Hicham a lot about what to expect here before he came and I think that helped bring him down to earth a lot. Do you really want to have an argument with him about money when he gets here?

I personally can't imagine marrying someone without having talked about money and several other things before hand and making sure that we have the same goals and morals and ideas. I would hate to see you have problems with your husband about things that should be said before marriage. Yes I am young and no I have not been married before I married Hicham but that doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing. I think I am a pretty responsible person and I really like to think things over logically before making a huge decision such as marriage. I don't think solely with my heart.

I will say that I can't really relate to you however because I simply could not make plans to marry a man I have not met yet. Maybe it is for religious reasons- I don't know but whatever it is I hope you talk about things that really could cause problems in a marriage. I know you said it was a problem in your first marriage so wouldn't you make sure you're on the same page with your new husband this time? I hope you have a great time in Egypt and that your fiance knows what to expect if he wants to come here.

Good luck!

[jordanianprincess 0]

Abdel and I have a joint account and we deposit his check together in the night deposit. I've taught him how to do the envelope and use his card, but he doesn't remember his pin number so he just uses his card as a credit card sometimes. We agreed up front that his overtime is all his, and if he gets a raise, that money is his too. We pay the bills first, and then split what is left. I tend to just pump all of my extra money back into the house, and don't take an allowance for myself because I just use the card if I want something. I usually spend less on myself a month than what he takes for an allowance, but we have a lot of debt we made on the house right after he got here, so I don't care if I have pocket money or not - I have my bathroom all fancy now and the water heater that never runs out of hot water.

Abdel's parents are deceased, and the sister that raised all of them offers to send money if we need it. We never let her of course, because we don't need it. One of his little brothers asks for money because he is unemployed, and of course the kids ask for toys and things. His sister seems to be the only one who realizes that life here isn't some magic fairyland. We do intend to open a special account for them and take a bank card over to give to his sister when we go visit so she can just withdraw money from the account as she needs it. She raised him and his siblings after their parents died, and he feels like now it is his turn to contribute to the family. As soon as we are able to (January) we both intend to send money every month.

I think the hardest thing for us is that there are so many people in his family there that any money we send will be split so many ways that it will have to be at least $250 to even be worth sending. He's really homesick right now, but even if we had the money for the ticket he wouldn't go because he feels that he has to take a present for every person and the kinds of presents he is looking at are at least $100 each. He has 8 siblings and some are married with kids, so we're talking in the thousands for presents alone. He said it is also normal when his brother from Italy visits for him to slip pocket money to each of the ones who are unemployed each day that he is there, so we'll have to have at least an extra $1,000 per week of our visit in our pockets for that. With his expectations he won't be going home for a couple of years unless he gets a nice raise soon.

Umm this sounds very strange to me. Why is he expected to birng thousands of dollars in presents? I would think that his family would just be happy to see him since he is so far away and they haven't seen him in so long. I would hope that his family understands his financial position and not expect something that isn't possible. I assume they know what he does here? I guess to me it seems like they shouldn't expect him to be successful and rich after one year in the US- that's just silly. I would hope that his family would welcome him with arms open no matter what. Does his family really expect those presents? Hicham's family doesn't expect gifts or money from us. They know it's not easy here and they are proud of him for working and not needing money from his family. They can't wait to see him- presents or no presents. I don't know, I guess that just struck me as sad for your husband because he is homesick but can't go home because he can't afford thousands of dollars in presents.

I was thinking the same thing. I can sympathize with bringing gifts, we took many. Nothing in that range and most people there wouldnt even know what you paid. I don't think anyone expects him to be a huge success in less than a year. Wow I feel really bad for Abdel, I hope he changes his mind and swallows some of that pride because he might never be able to meet those expectations and it shouldnt be a condition for seeing the family. He is too hard on himself.

When I got my gifts for my Jordan trip, Marshalls, Ross were my best friends. So was the clearance rack. I was getting really nice expensive items for a fraction of the cost. I would say my gifts were totally on the generous side compared to what people there were used to getting. I can understand the amount of gifts is usually high, but there are ways to save money. I started planning my trip six months before and thats when I started buying the gifts. When I saw something nice for a good price, I would buy it and put it away. By the time I went I had a ton of stuff!

[Ban Hammer 13,346]

I was thinking the same thing. I can sympathize with bringing gifts, we took many. Nothing in that range and most people there wouldnt even know what you paid. I don't think anyone expects him to be a huge success in less than a year. Wow I feel really bad for Abdel, I hope he changes his mind and swallows some of that pride because he might never be able to meet those expectations and it shouldnt be a condition for seeing the family. He is too hard on himself.

i'm wondering if maybe his family is too hard on him and has unrealistic expectations of him

[ya falaha! 0]

Sarah is right. I'm sure doodle has talked to her fiance about living here but many men just don't want to believe it. I know of one couple (she is from MI and he is from Egypt) who split up because he just couldn't deal when he got here. He got depressed about not finding work right away. They were constantly at odds with each other because of his inability to adapt and be patient. They lived together in Egypt for a year before they came here together. They've been back from Egypt for only 4 months and he already left. It wasn't that he was using her or anything. He had unrealistic expectations and no patience.

i have no idea what we'll do. That was an issue in my first marriage so I guess we should talk about it. Thing is that he really has no idea what it takes to live here financially and seems to think that once he arrives the golden doors will open and opportunity will just yell out his name.

He wants to support me but I want to live in the manner to which I"ve become accustomed. I don't think those two will match up so I dunno what we'll do. I"m fine with him just giving me what he can for the first few years until he gets established but he's not. I think I'm waiting for him to come and see exactly what the situation is here before I get into that argument since it will be like a useless conversation until that point.

I have not sent money though I've tried but he won't let me. Pride. Isn't that one of the 7 deadly sins?

I hope that you do talk to your fiance about what he should expect here. I think a lot of men have ideas about the US and working and that it's the land of opportunity and that they will make tons of money and get a job in a day etc. I don't understand how he thinks he can support you (and your kids?) from the moment he gets here? Does he know how much everything costs here? I don't know but for me I talked to Hicham a lot about what to expect here before he came and I think that helped bring him down to earth a lot. Do you really want to have an argument with him about money when he gets here?

I personally can't imagine marrying someone without having talked about money and several other things before hand and making sure that we have the same goals and morals and ideas. I would hate to see you have problems with your husband about things that should be said before marriage. Yes I am young and no I have not been married before I married Hicham but that doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing. I think I am a pretty responsible person and I really like to think things over logically before making a huge decision such as marriage. I don't think solely with my heart.

I will say that I can't really relate to you however because I simply could not make plans to marry a man I have not met yet. Maybe it is for religious reasons- I don't know but whatever it is I hope you talk about things that really could cause problems in a marriage. I know you said it was a problem in your first marriage so wouldn't you make sure you're on the same page with your new husband this time? I hope you have a great time in Egypt and that your fiance knows what to expect if he wants to come here.

Good luck!

[Jenn! 918]

IMO, it's a slow process to get the family to understand how things really are financially in the USA. If they already understand, consider yourself lucky, I think. Wadi's family is beginning to understand. There are a lot of things that I took for granted that need to be explained, particularly credit cards and student loans!

He will definitely be expected to bring gifts when we return for a visit. I think maybe it's the gesture more than anything. We'll definitely be doing discount shopping for that!

[sarah and hicham 3]

I was thinking the same thing. I can sympathize with bringing gifts, we took many. Nothing in that range and most people there wouldnt even know what you paid. I don't think anyone expects him to be a huge success in less than a year. Wow I feel really bad for Abdel, I hope he changes his mind and swallows some of that pride because he might never be able to meet those expectations and it shouldnt be a condition for seeing the family. He is too hard on himself.

i'm wondering if maybe his family is too hard on him and has unrealistic expectations of him

THat could be the case also Charles... which is too bad. I can't imagine not being able to go home because I couldn't afford presents. If that was the case I would never see my family!

[jordanianprincess 0]

I was thinking the same thing. I can sympathize with bringing gifts, we took many. Nothing in that range and most people there wouldnt even know what you paid. I don't think anyone expects him to be a huge success in less than a year. Wow I feel really bad for Abdel, I hope he changes his mind and swallows some of that pride because he might never be able to meet those expectations and it shouldnt be a condition for seeing the family. He is too hard on himself.

i'm wondering if maybe his family is too hard on him and has unrealistic expectations of him

THat could be the case also Charles... which is too bad. I can't imagine not being able to go home because I couldn't afford presents. If that was the case I would never see my family!

Charles you gould be right. Either way, I feel bad for him.

[sarah and hicham 3]

I was thinking the same thing. I can sympathize with bringing gifts, we took many. Nothing in that range and most people there wouldnt even know what you paid. I don't think anyone expects him to be a huge success in less than a year. Wow I feel really bad for Abdel, I hope he changes his mind and swallows some of that pride because he might never be able to meet those expectations and it shouldnt be a condition for seeing the family. He is too hard on himself.

i'm wondering if maybe his family is too hard on him and has unrealistic expectations of him

THat could be the case also Charles... which is too bad. I can't imagine not being able to go home because I couldn't afford presents. If that was the case I would never see my family!

Charles you gould be right. Either way, I feel bad for him.

I feel really bad for him too.

[AichaKandisha 0]

I don't know about the rest of the ME/NA but many Egyptian men tell each other fairy tales about the US and how they'll be ultra successful in no time. Also when they see American TV and movies many tend to think this is the norm. Maybe that's why they expect so much.

I know for my inlaws they never expected me to bring them anything. I don't think they'd expect anything from my husband either. When I visited I asked if they wanted or needed anything and they always responded..just you, just bring yourself. Of course I brought them stuff but it was small stuff like chocolates and body lotion (I only have SILs). They were thrilled with the chocolates!

They do this in Morocco too. My fiance wants to begin supporting me and my children as soon as he gets here too. He wants me to put my salary into savings. I've had to explain to him that I have a somewhat significant salary and he will have to start working at a much, much lower wage when he gets here. He's having a hard time dealing with the fact that for a little while, he will be staying at home while I go to work. He says, I'm not going to stand with my arms folded and sit at home and wait for you to bring home money to support me and watch you go to work everyday. I said wellllllllllllll, until you are legal to work, you will!

I know that this would be hard for most men, but is it me, or do Arab men take pride to a whole new level?