Abusive spouse

[NikLR 13,232]

You see sad endings on here but also happy and hopeful beginnings. This is because this is a DIY forum. Some people come here to learn how to do remove conditions on their own or get away from an abusive spouse. Others come here to learn how to file IR1 or K1 visas so they can be with their loved ones. A few are here learning how to file for other family members.

Online relationships are hard. If they start online, then if a person is not being true to themselves or the other person (and its easy to pretend to be someone else online) then it will end in failure. Online we have to express more of who we are, mostly verbally or by written word. This process can be very hard on a couple who is used to be side by side as well. The little things they do to show love is much harder to do when you can't touch the other person or do something for them. If this process undertaken with understanding, love, and openness it can help the frustration, fear and hardship that the relationship must endure during separation.

You were lucky that you could AOS. Many people are not. Some have to go through a K1 denial only to be married and separated again for the CR1. Some cannot visit very often or at all. Imagine a marriage where you spend most if not all of it apart? How hard must that be?

I've spent about 74 days with my husband, in person, over the course of 2 visits before marriage, the week of marriage and 2 visits after.... Actual time spent together as a married couple has been 19 days total. ( Soon to add another 10 though! YAY!) We've been married for just over 8 months and have been in a relationship for 15 months. I know more about his personality and who he is, as a person, than I did with my ex boyfriend with whom I spent 9.5 years and had a child with. Go figure! I feel a deeper and better connection, a greater sense of belonging, more meaning, a truly this is right feeling and everything else that's important to me. Honestly it's everything I could have possibly wanted to feel in and with the only person I will ever marry.

Best of luck to your wife's friend. Honestly she should file for divorce herself and get away from this guy. Then she can remove conditions and move on with her life, hopefully happily ever after.

edited for spelling and grammar.

Edited January 24, 2013 by NikiR

[Grant PDX 183]

I would recommend she speak with a divorce attorney nowish. As in yesterday if she can get an appointment then. Don't worry about the ROC unless the window is on top of her. Worry about the divorce and get it done. Don't fool around trying to do it herself or have someone try to "help" her. It doesn't have to be an expensive attorney, there are skilled family attorneys who are not expensive. But she needs to understand her options and she needs to protect herself.

Once the divorce is done or at least in process THEN worry about the ROC. Again, unless the window is on top of her, but then do it simultaneously.

I've been through a very amicable divorce with a first wife and stayed friends, but we started and always remained friendly. I also went through an easy divorce followed by a very tough custody battle. The only reason there is a modicum of rationality in the second was because I got an attorney and pushed it to happen. She needs to get her rights established, file for the divorce with HER story being the original one in the filing, and work out those issues as soon as possible. It's not about punishing the ex, it's about protecting herself.

Good luck!

[Villanelle 4,122]

On that note, I would like to know the statistics on these types of marriages...because there's a lot of sad endings here on this forum.

I dont believe that the statistics for abuse between one USC or an existing LPR (legal perm resident) spouse and a 'new' LPR GC holding spouse is any higher then abuse between any two other adults (?)

But if youre curious- according to the published statistics from USCIS-

During 2008-2011 in USC/immigrant spouse cases- 18,407 the spouse in question self-petitioned. or 1.706 percent of the total number of petitions.

During the same time span there were a smaller number of alien-alien marriages, (or LPR/immigrant marriage) and of these 4,264 involved self-petitions- 3.822 percent.

Theres no way to know how many of the self petitions were based on abuse, or how many were based on divorce, or on other waivers (deceased spouse, or hardship waiver)

The stories in the VAWA thread are mainly those seeking to adjust status and not remove conditions, although the burden of proof for establishing physical abuse would be the same on any petition filed. Sadly those in the VAWA thread have suffered a great deal already and have a long battle ahead as there are only 60 specialized processors at the USCIS Vermont Service Center who process VAWA cases they are so understaffed that they are running 12-18 months behind in processing cases. So while a normal adjustment of status would take 4- 6 months, VAWA applicants are waiting 16 months or more.

[bigdog 376]

Best of luck to your friend.

[SAT 9,609]

Capri thanks for the research lol...I wasn't looking at that kinda depth...More like..."20 percent doesn't work out" would have been just fine lol thanks.

Grant, thanks...I have steered her in that kind of direction already. She's not that close to us. It's just that my wife is a chatterbox, and sticks her nose in everyone's business...she thought she could help (and she did). My wife (Tiff) likes to volunteer my services to her friends...(Oh God shoot me).

Niki, I hope you and your husband can unite expeditiously. As for me, Lucky? That Tiff was able to AOS? I want a refund lmao...No all kidding aside, Tiff is great.

You guys have been a river of information. (Tho I'm not crazy about being described as "confused" lol).

Edited January 24, 2013 by SteveAndTiff

[SAT 9,609]

Best of luck to your friend.

Thanks Big, I think she'll be OK. My wife is on the case lol...