Need your advice please

[CaroSL 68]

So, I did all the work. Filled out the Forms, took them to him and said 'sign here'. As soon as that was done I did not have to push him to take his passport size photograph and send it off with Fedex.

You dont know each other very well and I think that may be a part of the problem.

Only you can decide if if is worth it. I am suggesting that you do all the paperwork and send it to him. If he does nothing after that it may be time for you to walk away.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

this is probably some good advice. I did most of the paper work myself, and spend much more time than my fiancé gathering proofs and info... But he did his share. And never mad me feel like he didn't wanna be with me. Relationships are difficult, even happy ones, sure.

But if I was sad and worried enough to post on a forum rather than talking to him, that would definitly mean there is a true problem in our relationship. I spent a year doing that. People kept telling me to hang in there and they hoped it was gonna get better. I wished they told me that I deserved better.

But this is my experience and not everyone is the same, and not every situation is the same. So LoveHim, nobody can really know, but you. And maybe your close friends and familly. What do they say? If you really don't know what to do, you should talk to your friends... they really can be the best advice

wish you the best

[memlaura 60]

No, I never once send him money and I am not and will never intend to do so. He sends me money. The entire petition he will/was going to pay for it and not me. He was the one that paid for my transportation and expenses when I went to his home country. I have not invested any money into our relationship. He is the one that has invested a lot of money and not me. But thanks

And you see the question was asked but no one paid attention to your answer. Of course it is a scam he is from Nigeria I hate that attitude ... Let me tell you something money is not something that comes easy in Nigeria and actions do speak much louder than words. If this man is sending you money to be with him or to pay for part of the process then he is serious about being with you. That is a big action for him. As far as talking about himself you have to ask specific things if you want to know something because they are not in the habit of talking about things that they see as not important and what happened at work during the day is not very important it is the same thing that happened they day before. Now you say that you talk for free so I am not sure what you are using to communicate but also keep in mind the time difference. I am in EST so there is a 6 hour time difference between us so if he is working and going to school and staying up late or getting up early to talk to you even 5 minutes he is making an effort. The problem with the forms may very well be the fact that he doesnt have all the money he needs to submit the forms so what is the hurry for the form if you dont have the money to submit. And if there is a reason he has to be sending you money than you need to look into sponsers because you have to earn enough to support 4 people if you have 2 children. My husband took 3 months to get everything gathered to file and the reason it got done is we walked through it together to fill out the forms some of the forms I filled out and sent to him and had him sign and send back. This is not a Nigerian thing this is a MALE thing (sorry guys) men will always put things off til tommorrow and like I said if he doesnt have the finances then that would explain his delay. However he is not going to tell you that is the reason he has pride and that will not allow him to do that. So weather or not he has someone else I really dont know but I would doubt it if he is helping to support you then you are his priority. Take this time to get to know him better. Instead of asking him if he really wants to be with you tell him you would like to spend more time getting to know him and would like to Skype or Oovoo or Yahoo or whatever you do to communicate. But sometimes you need to be the one up late and let him sleep and call you in the morning his time to talk to you. Make some consessions for each other. I told my husband I dont get to see him enough and he and I came up with some ideas on how to see each other more often maybe we dont see each other more than 1 or 2 hours a day but we will have the 5 minute phone calls and we both have a blackberry so we message each other all the time. But out of all of this my biggest concern is when you said he doesnt make me happy. If that is the case than maybe you should exam this relationship a little harder before you push for him to spend the money on an applications that you may not really want to file. I wish you both the best of luck on your journey but remember it is only going to get harder and things are going to happen that you dont understand or even believe it will test your love and faith in each other more than you know. If you come out of this together then you are both very lucky to have found one another.

Edited January 22, 2013 by memlaura

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

Now you say that you talk for free so I am not sure what you are using to communicate but also keep in mind the time difference. I am in EST so there is a 6 hour time difference between us so if he is working and going to school and staying up late or getting up early to talk to you even 5 minutes he is making an effort.

I'm calling B.S. 5 minutes is making an effort? My husband probably spends more than 5 minutes a day using the toilet. I seriously talked to my neighbors in America more than 5 minutes a day.

We also had a 6 hour time difference and he would get up early and talk to me, talk to me as soon as he got home from work and until he went to sleep.

If he's got free and ready access to a means to communicate, then 5 minutes a day is way too little. An international relationship takes a lot of work and it takes two to tango.

[Robb&Ann 101]

In the case of me and my fiancée it was I who was the slower one to complete the papers.

Ann had everything ready in a matter of days including having things notarized and additional original copies sent to me. She has no printer and no car, so going around getting printouts, original copies from government offices, and shipping everything was time consuming for her. We assembled an I-129F that is probably one of the most evidence filled applications they have ever received, 381 pages, yes its overkill.

I have no doubt in her desire to be with me she proves it with every action.

Even though I was busy and it took me a few weeks to finish everything and send it (keep in mind it was 381 pages and very organized), we never stopped communicating. We talk several hours each day. Our longest Skype was 60 hours non-stop, even falling asleep and waking up together on cam. We try to share as much of a normal day together as we possibly can.

SHE even complains when I am not available to chat. I am the lax one, not her. I honestly cannot fathom the idea of not talking to her.

I feel bad for you but trust your instincts and remember you deserve someone who is as dedicated to you as you are to them.

(Now I feel guilty for making her wait. I should buy her some flowers.)

[feli114 65]

No, I never once send him money and I am not and will never intend to do so. He sends me money. The entire petition he will/was going to pay for it and not me. He was the one that paid for my transportation and expenses when I went to his home country. I have not invested any money into our relationship. He is the one that has invested a lot of money and not me. But thanks

In my opinion "CP" time comes from West Africa. lol I tell my husband this ALL the time. He had the same problem. His mind is always on something else. Good luck and I hope you come out on the winning end!

[Kazulie 132]

I

Edited January 22, 2013 by Kazulie

[dwheels76 5,469]

N:B Everything i am going to say is my opinion

First,i will say it is sad and i am sorry you are in such dilemma but then just so you know,i am a man and i will speak to you as one,at 'least of my kind', as much as you are in a relationship ,you have equal right to be happy,immature people are not allowed in marriages or relationship heading towards that direction,relationship is meant for Adults and for people who have the mind of their own and are willing to let go whatever they have to let go to have whom they truly love.I will want to think you are probably older than him and yes you are so much in love with him and scared to loose him cos starting all over again is unthinkable right now maybe.

Sorry about my epistle but let me say that,this man has shown signs of withdrawal and it is very glaring,and it is either he has the documents or not but if you are sure he truly have this documents but has refused to put together to send then the signs are written all over this,we all get 24hrs in a day,i hate to hear it when people say they are busy about things that is majorly about their life,irritating,what kind of job takes 24/7 x 31 days in a month,i do not agree with any excuse,even if you can't leave your duty post,there will be a friend or someone you can always send on errand to go post it,this things are not hard,why are men like this? Stop breaking this beautiful people's heart,stop getting committed if you not ready.

I believe you see everything better than everyone here and your spirit will already be telling you the next step to take,don't struggle cos you are in love,God didn't plan any relationship to be hell,we humans create the hell in it,we make everything hard for ourselves.

Age is just numbers and if in this case you are older,please exhibit your maturity here and be wise.

Pray.Listen to God.Think it through. Strategize. Act.Be Happy.Life is too short to wait forever for a document.

It is the divinely designed for the man to do the 'Chasing' ,a true loving man,not by mere words, will go after his woman and do everything to wake up to her every morning.

You see it all better than all of us here.

Okay Fafoo now preach now. OP I know this man and trust me he speaks truth here.

Trust me dear I can sooooo relate to what you are going through about documents and all. My issue is at NVC. But I like to caution on the side of giving him the benefit of the doubt. I mean goodness not sending documents doesn't have to mean he don't care.Or there's someone else.

My husband has tried 3 times to send me the documents for NVC and they have all failed. Now we are waiting for case complete. Don't tell me what God can't do.

One thing I will ask you though is how involved in this process is he? Sometimes many of us that are on VJ and other sites we know everything, the timelines, the process, every form the ends and outs and we freak out. I think many of us can say our SO's whether it be you are the USC or the immigrate the other isn't involved as the other. Some immigrates on VJ for example are committed to this and they do everything. Some the USC. No matter if they be the man or woman.I mean I was helping someone with the G325A and her man the immigrate was telling her he doesn't have to fill out one his cousin told him so and I don't know what I am talking about. So maybe he just doesn't know the process.

So is he involved and understand. Why not you fill out the forms yourself. It's a good test also to see how well you know your mans history and such. Fill out and all he has to do is print sign and mail to you. The letter of intenet heck write that too. Me and my husband did the forms together when I was in Nigeria. he did my G325A and I did his. DS-230 also.

You need to talk with your man. I have seen and heard so many people I know who have gone to see their men and they come back and they say "he has changed". No more long calls, Skyping, and all that. That is a red flag because gosh you visit and then you are apart should make him hunger for you even more than when he never meet you.

But one thing I would not do is ask again about documents. Let that marinate. If he wants to come than he obviously knows what he has to do. He may have some skeletons in his closet he doesn't want you to know who knows. But let it be. Cuz right now you have relationship issues that need ironing out.

I am so against people who use the K1 Visa as a "get to know them for 90 days" Visa. Baby you better know what you know before he comes here that HE IS THE ONE!!

This journey is too stressful with the best of relationships. Without involving someone who may or may not want to be with you. Than what happens you force the situation and lets say he comes here marries you and than divorce and everyone is "see Nigerian scammer" and really it was two people who never were meant to be together.

You say you have committed to God's hands that is brave and wise. Listen to God and flow with him he will uncover all. Just be prepared and you will know when you give it ALL to God because you will have peace in your spirit however way it goes. God bless you.

[dwheels76 5,469]

Thanks to all of you for your courageous advices. I am very happy to know this site because you guys are so supportive. I will not end my relationship with him. I will try to accept the way he is. I will not ask him about sending documents to me anymore. However, the way I used to call him a lot will have to end. I will only answer when he calls. I will try not to give my heart to any man ever again. I will only love with my head which is the best way. It is so hard on me to know that he may have someone else into his life or may not be interested in me. I am only a year older than him. So the age difference isn't the thing. Nevertheless, God is in control and he will let me know if he is the dream man for me. I want happiness and I know I will get that one day in Jesus Name! Good luck to all of you on your journeys. God bless you!

Also he may be delaying because well think about it you say he is CEO of two companies. That all ends when he gets here right. He may be a year before he can work. The service centers you have to go through this again when you get married. A CEO doing nothing . can't go to school, work. I would be hesitate too. Our Nigerian men have wonderful pride and well Nigerian or not he is a man and I am sure he wants no one to take care of him. Have you complained about money or bills. You say he sends you money which is hardly the norm. Why is he supporting you? this may all come in too pkay and maybe frankly scaring him that you will always be like this. What happenes when he gets here. Ya'll need to talk and talk now. I would say another face to face visit is in order. Put the brakes on now for the petition.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Hi Vj'ers,

I am the USC that is trying to petition for my fiance who is in W. Africa. I have two children from different relationship which he accepts and has no problems with my children. When we met, things were great so we both decided to go ahead with the K1 visa. He introduced me to his family and everything was great between us. Well, when I came back to the U.S., he was supposed to send me the docs like the G325A, letter of intent, and some receipts that he is supposed to mail to me. We met November and I returned back to the U.S. beginning of December. Fiance has a full-time job which he is like the ceo for two companies that look up to him. Also, he attends school full time Mon-Friday.

Here is where I need your input. Since, November, he hasn't even tried to put together the documents. I sent him all the links and all he has to do is fill the forms, sign and mail it to me. He works around computers all day. I understand he is busy and so am I. But I have gathered all the docs that I will need on my part. The thing is, when I ask him, he tells me that he will mail them sooner. Other times he tells me he'll do it on weekends which he has been stuck on for nearly two months now. he said that he will0/ do it but he never touches the form. So I decided to call him and ask him specific question if he interested in coming to be with us at all. He sounded surprise that I even asked him such question. He was disappointed that I was thinking negative. So I said because he is taking longer to mail me the docs. Then last week, he told me that he will definitely put together the docs before the week ended. Now we are in a new week. So I called him up today again and asked him if will ever send me the docs. He said that I am being inconsiderate because he was sick for a week (week of New Years) and (2weeks ago) but he always went to work. So he said that today he promised to put together the docs but he never did send the docs today because he hasn't told me he sent them. I am growing tired of asking him if he wants us to do this or not. I have asked and he assured me he wants to be with me but not doing the things he out to do to be with us in the U.S.

Also, we are facing other problems. We don't communicate as often as we used to because he said our conversation is very long. I do most of the calling. When I ask him if he is seeing someone else, he was again disappointed that I am thinking negative. When he calls me, we only speak for 5 to ten minutes and mostly we communicate for 2mins (sad). We talk for FREE!!! He told my friend that he is so glad he met me and I am the best thing that could happen to him but he isn't making me happy. He is a great guy and I love him so very much. If I try to think negative and bring the negative thoughts out by telling him, he tells me I am making him feel like a failure. I don't know what else to do. He has not told me anything that he isn't interested in me because when I don't call him he gets concern. He is putting money together to send me to complete the filing. I am not sure it is because of the money issue or not. I have told him to just send me the docs and we can find the money after I have put together the petition.

He doesn't communicate about his day to me at all. I don't know anything about how he spends his day. He stays quiet on the phone and will talk about other non interested stuff about the news in America and stuff. He said he loves me very much. I admit he doesn't like talking alot on the phone even when I was there, he rarely spoke on the phone too long. We sometimes chat but only when he is in the mood. I am going to pray and hope God reveals if he is the one for me. I need your advice because of his delays on the docs not sure if he wants to come here or not. Or does it have to do with the money he is trying to find to send me? Please help! I have nowhere else to turn for advice.

Thanks much!

Done deal for Gowon. Life is too short.

Good luck.

[IloveHim35 2]

Yep! I agree absolutely!!

OP, imagine if at the beginning stage he's this uncommitted to the process, how much responsive will he be in case and just in case you guys get a RFE? - or at the NVC or consulate stage when you two will need to coordinate and respond in a timely fashion to some requested documents?

Another side to your issue is that, he may have a girlfriend and is not sure about you, or at best he's undecided at embarking on this journey with you. Simply, he doesn't want to do it so in his mind, procrastinating sending you the documents will make you give up or go away with time. Seriously, you are invested in this at 100% effort while he's at 50% at best. Please do NOT push things so you will come across to him as desparate. Remember, this is a long journey and if he's not 'into you' or not into it, you will only see problems down the road after he gets here. Think twice before doing this!

Thank you so much for your wise advice. Seriously it means a lot to me.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

When I sent my fiance a list of the documents I needed from her, I got them back in about 12 hours. She doesn't even have a printer or scanner in her house. If you want my opinion, I'd say he is lying to you. Stalling since November is not procrastination or "Africa time," it's "I don't actually care about you." He has another woman, I'd bet $100 on it. Why would you want to marry someone you have so many doubts about anyway? We all have some little minor doubts or worries, but your situation is pretty bad, IMO.

Thank you, I hate this BS about African Time.

My Fiancee will get stuff to me within hours and she has no computer or fax. It's about priority.

Also maybe he doesnt understand how to fill the paper work out. Because I filled out everything with my fiance because some of the things they ask were confusing to him. So he filled it out emailed ot to me i doubled checked emailed it back with needed corrections and then he sent it all to me. This is a difficukt proceess and can be overwelming . We as USC are use to filling out documents and paperwork Nigeria dont keep good records and paper work absoutely not. So patience and talk to him to see what holding him up. Trust me when they love they love forever they dont play games unless you end up with a scammer but thats in every country so be prayful and God will lead you.

There are services near every government facility that has people ready to help.

I went with my Wife to get an affidavit of change of name and the Lady typist there was all up about all the US immigration forms. Nigeria is not totally a backwards country.

Thanks to all of you for your courageous advices. I am very happy to know this site because you guys are so supportive. I will not end my relationship with him. I will try to accept the way he is. I will not ask him about sending documents to me anymore. However, the way I used to call him a lot will have to end. I will only answer when he calls. I will try not to give my heart to any man ever again. I will only love with my head which is the best way. It is so hard on me to know that he may have someone else into his life or may not be interested in me. I am only a year older than him. So the age difference isn't the thing. Nevertheless, God is in control and he will let me know if he is the dream man for me. I want happiness and I know I will get that one day in Jesus Name! Good luck to all of you on your journeys. God bless you!

Hmmm.... Houston, we have a problem.

And you see the question was asked but no one paid attention to your answer. Of course it is a scam he is from Nigeria I hate that attitude ... Let me tell you something money is not something that comes easy in Nigeria and actions do speak much louder than words. If this man is sending you money to be with him or to pay for part of the process then he is serious about being with you. That is a big action for him. As far as talking about himself you have to ask specific things if you want to know something because they are not in the habit of talking about things that they see as not important and what happened at work during the day is not very important it is the same thing that happened they day before. Now you say that you talk for free so I am not sure what you are using to communicate but also keep in mind the time difference. I am in EST so there is a 6 hour time difference between us so if he is working and going to school and staying up late or getting up early to talk to you even 5 minutes he is making an effort. The problem with the forms may very well be the fact that he doesnt have all the money he needs to submit the forms so what is the hurry for the form if you dont have the money to submit. And if there is a reason he has to be sending you money than you need to look into sponsers because you have to earn enough to support 4 people if you have 2 children. My husband took 3 months to get everything gathered to file and the reason it got done is we walked through it together to fill out the forms some of the forms I filled out and sent to him and had him sign and send back. This is not a Nigerian thing this is a MALE thing (sorry guys) men will always put things off til tommorrow and like I said if he doesnt have the finances then that would explain his delay. However he is not going to tell you that is the reason he has pride and that will not allow him to do that. So weather or not he has someone else I really dont know but I would doubt it if he is helping to support you then you are his priority. Take this time to get to know him better. Instead of asking him if he really wants to be with you tell him you would like to spend more time getting to know him and would like to Skype or Oovoo or Yahoo or whatever you do to communicate. But sometimes you need to be the one up late and let him sleep and call you in the morning his time to talk to you. Make some consessions for each other. I told my husband I dont get to see him enough and he and I came up with some ideas on how to see each other more often maybe we dont see each other more than 1 or 2 hours a day but we will have the 5 minute phone calls and we both have a blackberry so we message each other all the time. But out of all of this my biggest concern is when you said he doesnt make me happy. If that is the case than maybe you should exam this relationship a little harder before you push for him to spend the money on an applications that you may not really want to file. I wish you both the best of luck on your journey but remember it is only going to get harder and things are going to happen that you dont understand or even believe it will test your love and faith in each other more than you know. If you come out of this together then you are both very lucky to have found one another.

I disagree. It's neither a Nigerian nor male thing, but a laziness or lack of motivation thing.

Also he may be delaying because well think about it you say he is CEO of two companies. That all ends when he gets here right. He may be a year before he can work. The service centers you have to go through this again when you get married. A CEO doing nothing . can't go to school, work. I would be hesitate too. Our Nigerian men have wonderful pride and well Nigerian or not he is a man and I am sure he wants no one to take care of him. Have you complained about money or bills. You say he sends you money which is hardly the norm. Why is he supporting you? this may all come in too pkay and maybe frankly scaring him that you will always be like this. What happenes when he gets here. Ya'll need to talk and talk now. I would say another face to face visit is in order. Put the brakes on now for the petition.

A male CEO of two companies in Nigeria will not, and should not be interested in coming to the US, in my opinion.

Edited January 23, 2013 by Gowon

[ErinO 9]

Sister I would suggest u just let him be if he comes back to his senses he knows Wht to do. Men don't like being chased so jus let him be..u can call him up and talk bout other stuffs but don't mention the documents.Honestly don't knw how he would scale his interview if u guys don't talk much cos surely he would be asked the tiniest things bout u two.GOODLUCK!

[Boggy1974 124]

Thank you so much for your wise advice. Seriously it means a lot to me. [/quote

Know that it shall be well! Goodluck!

Edited January 23, 2013 by Boggy1974

[IloveHim35 2]

Hi Girl, I'm so sorry for your situation. I know how it feels for you. But mind you, God is saying something to you, and I hope you listen to your intuition. I know you love him deeply, but listen to what you are saying and ask yourself "Is he the man you would want to be with for the rest of your life ?" Do you think you would be happy with him ? You know the right answer I'm sure, but it takes courage to do what is right and I understand that. However, please do pray to God to give you strength and wisdom as you face the realities of your relationship. I think God loves you very much that is why this is happening to you now than later - God is revealing His plans and purpose in you. God's plan would never harm you, it would always prosper you - have FAITH.

I hope and pray that you could make the best decision which favors you. Be well, sounds you are a good loving woman, please don't settle for less. You deserve to be happy. God bless you.

Thank you greatly for assuring me how much God LOVES me. Everything is in the hands of God. Thank you Jesus for your kind love that you have favor me with!

I will actually say he isnt interested.. do not bring up the matter again and just let him be.. i will advice you... open your heart to love another, cos honestly he isnt dying (like a love bird misses his better half) to be with you. i wish you good luck in finding a man that will love you and cherish you

Thank you kindly.

[IloveHim35 2]

I think from the above it can be ascertained that he's not seeing someone else, or he's not using you for money, or shopping for the best deal.

I know a lot of people here talk to each other a lot , for hours even. I dont know how that happens. My fiance and I didn't like being seen on the phone, or chatting really at work. The only time we would get to talk was if i woke up at 5am, which I did do but it was hard to do everyday. Then we had weekends. I remember the time we were filing was crazy busy at work for the both of us, both of us were fighting a deadline, and we filed our application a month and a half later than we'd planned to. Things can get busy, people can be work-aholics. He could be worried about Money, not having a job for a few months when he moves. Its easy to say, oh its a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things and it is, but it is worrisome when you're working so hard, its not easy to just give that up. i'm speculating a lot here, but it doesnt really sound like he's a bad guy.Maybe he wants to secure the money first and then apply?

But if he isnt making you happy of course its not worth it. I just think from what you've said it didn't sound (to me atleast), that he's upto no good or something. Communication is key. He should understand why you'r upset and try to rectify it.

Thank you kindly. He is indeed a nice guy and that is the reason I even felt in love with him. But at the same time, he is quiet and I am a talkative (lol) so it is hard to mix those two together. I spoke with him this morning and he said the main reason for the delay is because he is putting money together to send me that is the reason for the delay but he will love to come to live with us in the US and wants to be prepared financially. So all I can do as a potential wife is to be patient and leave it in the hands of God. Thanks again for your advice.