Need your advice please

[InHisTime 110]

Hi Vj'ers,

I am the USC that is trying to petition for my fiance who is in W. Africa. I have two children from different relationship which he accepts and has no problems with my children. When we met, things were great so we both decided to go ahead with the K1 visa. He introduced me to his family and everything was great between us. Well, when I came back to the U.S., he was supposed to send me the docs like the G325A, letter of intent, and some receipts that he is supposed to mail to me. We met November and I returned back to the U.S. beginning of December. Fiance has a full-time job which he is like the ceo for two companies that look up to him. Also, he attends school full time Mon-Friday.

Here is where I need your input. Since, November, he hasn't even tried to put together the documents. I sent him all the links and all he has to do is fill the forms, sign and mail it to me. He works around computers all day. I understand he is busy and so am I. But I have gathered all the docs that I will need on my part. The thing is, when I ask him, he tells me that he will mail them sooner. Other times he tells me he'll do it on weekends which he has been stuck on for nearly two months now. he said that he will0/ do it but he never touches the form. So I decided to call him and ask him specific question if he interested in coming to be with us at all. He sounded surprise that I even asked him such question. He was disappointed that I was thinking negative. So I said because he is taking longer to mail me the docs. Then last week, he told me that he will definitely put together the docs before the week ended. Now we are in a new week. So I called him up today again and asked him if will ever send me the docs. He said that I am being inconsiderate because he was sick for a week (week of New Years) and (2weeks ago) but he always went to work. So he said that today he promised to put together the docs but he never did send the docs today because he hasn't told me he sent them. I am growing tired of asking him if he wants us to do this or not. I have asked and he assured me he wants to be with me but not doing the things he out to do to be with us in the U.S.

Also, we are facing other problems. We don't communicate as often as we used to because he said our conversation is very long. I do most of the calling. When I ask him if he is seeing someone else, he was again disappointed that I am thinking negative. When he calls me, we only speak for 5 to ten minutes and mostly we communicate for 2mins (sad). We talk for FREE!!! He told my friend that he is so glad he met me and I am the best thing that could happen to him but he isn't making me happy. He is a great guy and I love him so very much. If I try to think negative and bring the negative thoughts out by telling him, he tells me I am making him feel like a failure. I don't know what else to do. He has not told me anything that he isn't interested in me because when I don't call him he gets concern. He is putting money together to send me to complete the filing. I am not sure it is because of the money issue or not. I have told him to just send me the docs and we can find the money after I have put together the petition.

He doesn't communicate about his day to me at all. I don't know anything about how he spends his day. He stays quiet on the phone and will talk about other non interested stuff about the news in America and stuff. He said he loves me very much. I admit he doesn't like talking alot on the phone even when I was there, he rarely spoke on the phone too long. We sometimes chat but only when he is in the mood. I am going to pray and hope God reveals if he is the one for me. I need your advice because of his delays on the docs not sure if he wants to come here or not. Or does it have to do with the money he is trying to find to send me? Please help! I have nowhere else to turn for advice.

Thanks much!

Hi Girl, I'm so sorry for your situation. I know how it feels for you. But mind you, God is saying something to you, and I hope you listen to your intuition. I know you love him deeply, but listen to what you are saying and ask yourself "Is he the man you would want to be with for the rest of your life ?" Do you think you would be happy with him ? You know the right answer I'm sure, but it takes courage to do what is right and I understand that. However, please do pray to God to give you strength and wisdom as you face the realities of your relationship. I think God loves you very much that is why this is happening to you now than later - God is revealing His plans and purpose in you. God's plan would never harm you, it would always prosper you - have FAITH.

I hope and pray that you could make the best decision which favors you. Be well, sounds you are a good loving woman, please don't settle for less. You deserve to be happy. God bless you.

Edited January 22, 2013 by InHisTime

[Boggy1974 124]

When I sent my fiance a list of the documents I needed from her, I got them back in about 12 hours. She doesn't even have a printer or scanner in her house. If you want my opinion, I'd say he is lying to you. Stalling since November is not procrastination or "Africa time," it's "I don't actually care about you." He has another woman, I'd bet $100 on it. Why would you want to marry someone you have so many doubts about anyway? We all have some little minor doubts or worries, but your situation is pretty bad, IMO.

Yep! I agree absolutely!!

OP, imagine if at the beginning stage he's this uncommitted to the process, how much responsive will he be in case and just in case you guys get a RFE? - or at the NVC or consulate stage when you two will need to coordinate and respond in a timely fashion to some requested documents?

Another side to your issue is that, he may have a girlfriend and is not sure about you, or at best he's undecided at embarking on this journey with you. Simply, he doesn't want to do it so in his mind, procrastinating sending you the documents will make you give up or go away with time. Seriously, you are invested in this at 100% effort while he's at 50% at best. Please do NOT push things so you will come across to him as desparate. Remember, this is a long journey and if he's not 'into you' or not into it, you will only see problems down the road after he gets here. Think twice before doing this!

[CM&MI 8]

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Edited January 22, 2013 by CM&MI

[CM&MI 8]

Well, it doesn't mean American time, Filipino time, Nigerian time... and country/ethnicity's time. Time is gold and precious. We are not talking about cultural mannered times here.. we're talking/dealing important things. Whatever time you had been grown up.. it doesn't matter as long your true and sincere and dont give people a false hope if you don't wanted to do it. This is a matter good attitude/manners not about different cultural manner times. I am a Filipina, and we have so called Filipino time too but, we never bring this manner/attitude in doing something which is very important like this(sending docs). Sorry don't want to be sound rude guys! Let's just face the fact! God bless.

[greg&onos 0]

I will actually say he isnt interested.. do not bring up the matter again and just let him be.. i will advice you... open your heart to love another, cos honestly he isnt dying (like a love bird misses his better half) to be with you. i wish you good luck in finding a man that will love you and cherish you

[Boggy1974 124]

Thanks. Hard to proof this since I call him in the middle of the night and sometimes when he just wakes up from bed and sometimes he is still in bed. But I will place the relationship in the Hands of God.

It is easy for people to conceal another relationship regardless of what time of the night or day you call, especially when you're over 6000miles away. Calling him at odd hours will NOT reveal whether he has a girlfriend or is cheating on you.

Remember one could easily tell a guy or lady laying next to them this: "hey lady/guy xyz, I got this woman in the US who is 'pestering' me with calls so when I get such calls know that its this 'desparate' woman trying to get attention from me". The other woman could easily understand this especially if they don't know all the facts and/or if he's lying. Please I am NOT calling you desparate by any stretch of the word, especially when I don't know you, but understand that it is well easy for someone to say that to another woman behind your back.

Hope you find Mr. Right who will be onboard with you. Very best wishes!

[BeachMusic 8]

Thanks. Hard to proof this since I call him in the middle of the night and sometimes when he just wakes up from bed and sometimes he is still in bed. But I will place the relationship in the Hands of God.

So sad, but you are right. Thanks for the advice.

I think from the above it can be ascertained that he's not seeing someone else, or he's not using you for money, or shopping for the best deal.

I know a lot of people here talk to each other a lot , for hours even. I dont know how that happens. My fiance and I didn't like being seen on the phone, or chatting really at work. The only time we would get to talk was if i woke up at 5am, which I did do but it was hard to do everyday. Then we had weekends. I remember the time we were filing was crazy busy at work for the both of us, both of us were fighting a deadline, and we filed our application a month and a half later than we'd planned to. Things can get busy, people can be work-aholics. He could be worried about Money, not having a job for a few months when he moves. Its easy to say, oh its a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things and it is, but it is worrisome when you're working so hard, its not easy to just give that up. i'm speculating a lot here, but it doesnt really sound like he's a bad guy.Maybe he wants to secure the money first and then apply?

But if he isnt making you happy of course its not worth it. I just think from what you've said it didn't sound (to me atleast), that he's upto no good or something. Communication is key. He should understand why you'r upset and try to rectify it.

[CaroSL 68]

I think from the above it can be ascertained that he's not seeing someone else, or he's not using you for money, or shopping for the best deal.

I know a lot of people here talk to each other a lot , for hours even. I dont know how that happens. My fiance and I didn't like being seen on the phone, or chatting really at work. The only time we would get to talk was if i woke up at 5am, which I did do but it was hard to do everyday. Then we had weekends. I remember the time we were filing was crazy busy at work for the both of us, both of us were fighting a deadline, and we filed our application a month and a half later than we'd planned to. Things can get busy, people can be work-aholics. He could be worried about Money, not having a job for a few months when he moves. Its easy to say, oh its a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things and it is, but it is worrisome when you're working so hard, its not easy to just give that up. i'm speculating a lot here, but it doesnt really sound like he's a bad guy.Maybe he wants to secure the money first and then apply?

But if he isnt making you happy of course its not worth it. I just think from what you've said it didn't sound (to me atleast), that he's upto no good or something. Communication is key. He should understand why you'r upset and try to rectify it

Communicating being difficult with time difference, I totally agree. But wether the op and her fiancé talk often or not, wether he cheats on her or not is not really the main problem here.

November till now. Almost 3 months. Taking a huge amount of time to gather papers and send them over to your fiancé means taking 2 weeks to do so. This is a huge amount of time, but there can be an explanation.

3 months??? No way. Once you sent it, the petition takes 6 months to be even just looked at by someone. It takes something like 8 to 12 months to get a visa. If you love someone enough to marry that person, you do everything you can to be with that person. AND most importantly, you don't do anything that will make that person be sad, or suffer. You certainly not put off something for 3 months when it makes your loved one suffer and feel like you don't care.

LoveHim35, do not settle for someone you won't take care of you. Don't settle for someone who won't treat you as the most precious thing in the world. Don't settle for someone who makes you sad. You deserve better. I almost settled for someone I was unhappy with once, I was very much in love with someone who wasn't and made me suffer a lot.

I left him, even though I was still in love because I knew he was bad for me.

Not even a year later I met my fiancé, and I have never been so happy.

You deserve happiness, do not waste time and find excuses...

[RobBell 32]

It sounds to me like this is one of those situations where its difficult to know what the reality is when you are so close to the situation. I don't even think it matters if he's cheating or not. If they guy is into you it should be obvious, you should feel his desire to be with you, not fight for it.

I know that the Visa situation puts pressure on us all, and makes us want to hurry things as much as possible. But maybe it would be better to step back from the situation and let it breathe. If the visa wasn't an obstacle in the relationship, how would you feel about it then? Would you be so sure of the relationship that you wanted to proceed with it?

I'm sure all of us who struggle through the long distance relationship have worries now and then, especially if you're in a situation where you can't communicate as much as you would like. But there should also be times of happiness, when you get that unexpected email, or have a lovely Skype conversation, or even a romantic card in the mail once in a while. This whole process takes more dedication and commitment than does a normal relationship, so consider things very carefully. And make time your friend, not your enemy.

Edited January 22, 2013 by Rob & Lili

[Fight for Love 98]

wow sorry that u been to this kind of situation. my advice maybe you should come visit him there. then get ALL the documentation you needed from him. but if you can"t i guess your only option is be patience. i remember my fiance (now husband) did the same he took him forever just to send all the document i needed from him. but i never rush him. now we are finally together. so try to relax..just do the rest of the document and let just sign it...maybe i'm thinking his having hard time understanding/reading english language..who knows?

goodluck!!!

[Ryan H 3,812]

Moved from K1 Process & Procedures to Africa: Sub-Saharan regional forum; topic is not about the visa process itself.

[Ivie & Eguagie 119]

Have you considered telling him since he don't want to fill up the forms and mail them, that you are considering moving to him there in Nigeria permanently along with your kids owing to the fact he seems reluctant moving to you.? You could try discussing that with him and see the reaction, perhaps that might lead him to give you some detailed explanation as to why he is being reluctant. Like some posters said above, you might also want to give it a rest for a while before bring it up again later if all these didn't work. Good luck in whatever decisions you make.

Edited January 22, 2013 by Ken & Lecia

[velrich 50]

You have been given various opinions above and anyone of them could be true.

However, everyone does things differently and it made me think of my own situation. In my case we knew and lived with each other for years before he migrated and was able to file for me. We saw each other often after he migrated because I had a visitor's visa for the US and it was not expensive to call him.

But he is not a 'paper work' person. Even before I did all the research and emailed him the Forms for him to fill out I knew he would not get going and I knew that he wanted me to be in the US. Especially for him to spend time with our young child. I was very comfortable in my country and since I could travel back and forth with my visa it wasn't a priority for me to get a Green card.

So, I did all the work. Filled out the Forms, took them to him and said 'sign here'. As soon as that was done I did not have to push him to take his passport size photograph and send it off with Fedex.

You dont know each other very well and I think that may be a part of the problem.

Only you can decide if if is worth it. I am suggesting that you do all the paperwork and send it to him. If he does nothing after that it may be time for you to walk away.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[IloveHim35 2]

Thanks to all of you for your courageous advices. I am very happy to know this site because you guys are so supportive. I will not end my relationship with him. I will try to accept the way he is. I will not ask him about sending documents to me anymore. However, the way I used to call him a lot will have to end. I will only answer when he calls. I will try not to give my heart to any man ever again. I will only love with my head which is the best way. It is so hard on me to know that he may have someone else into his life or may not be interested in me. I am only a year older than him. So the age difference isn't the thing. Nevertheless, God is in control and he will let me know if he is the dream man for me. I want happiness and I know I will get that one day in Jesus Name! Good luck to all of you on your journeys. God bless you!

[JustUs 3]

Lots of good ideas and advice for you to consider to get the paperwork completed such as filling it out for him to sign and offering to pay the fees just in case he doesn't have the money. Also, there are some basic messages I think everyone is trying to point out to you. A man usually shows you who he is as man - what you are seeing so far is a lack of attention that you would like to have from a partner. As others have implied, remove the issue of the paperwork from the equation and take a good look at your relation so that you can decide if this is really the man for you. Don't make excuses for his behavior. If you are not getting what you need from the relationship even after expressing your concerns don't try to make him into the man you want - judge him by the man he has presented and make your decision. To hear that you can talk for free and not even hear from him to check up on your well being daily - well...Girlfriend, you got a decision to make far beyond the paperwork.