Yardies, at home and a farrin'

[tenika 0]

Tenika Tenika, If me laff me dead cause me belly bus!

I can testify to the lady having no where to receive him story. Henry told me that one . he didnt tell it as a first hand but did ask what would happen if on our wedding night he made such a discovery!!!

Yeah

Thats what Rohan was trying to tell me when he gave me that story. I had to insure him all will be well, but dont come with no more silly stories tryin to get me to comply cause it aint gonna work.

I wonder what Rhonda will have to say...she has been married longest.

Assuming that Andre has common sense and common courtesy. He doesn't. He didn't grow up here to have the common sense that I have. He has JA common sense...not US common sense and unfortunatly there is a difference.

Since Rhonda is upset with Tony right now I don't think she is going to have anything nice to say

So much has been posted and I need to let it all sink in BUT I wanted to comment on this one right away. Jamie girl -- this is HUGE in my world!! Roy does things really fast -- without thinking of the consequences of his actions. That's how I have been looking at it -- but it really is JA common sense....or the lack thereof. The difference is so great. I think that is something that we all need to take a step back and think about.

It's so cute now when Roy says 'excuse me' to someone in public. That is one of the many things I have been trying to teach him that he NEVER said to anyone in Jamaica. I had to explain to him that it is common courtesy to say that to someone. All I can now hope is that he is saying it because he means it and not just to humor me.

The excuse me thing I am still working on with Rohan, he says " Why should I say excuse me, I didnt do anything wrong

This cultural differnce I didnt think would be so difficult. basically my goal right now is to try to understand him and explain myself so he can work with me. Some things though I had to ask him to cease immediatly before he get into a fight. Like he cant be calling people FATTY, here it is not a compliment or similair to saying Mrs or Maam. I only have 5 1/2 week to go before we get married, but I at least hope to grow more in my understanding of him before that

[kimlbs 0]

Good morning-

I just logged on and finally got caught up with all the posts from this morning. Well.....this gives me alot to think about!!!! Apparently, everyone seems to be going through some major relationship adjustments.

Since I am not there yet, I can only let you know how it sounds from an outsiders perspective.

It sounds like the men feel they have no freedom or control of their lives once they arrive in the US. In JA, they were in control of everything because we were visiting them on their territory and we were totally dependant on them...........so....when they arrive in the US, the dynamics of the relationship change drastically. They become soley reliable on us!!!! We have to show them this "new life" and all the cultural things that go along with this new life. From a man's perspective, they probably feel very helpless and be-littled. They feel like we are the "mother" rather than the "wife". Most Jamaican men do not grow up expressing and talking about their feelings. We American women LOVE to talk and we try to "fix" everything. So.....just like children......if they feel like they are stuck under a thumb, they do everything to weasel their way out.............they might lie so they can feel like they have some control back.

So...this is what I think I have learned from all of you........... I am going to pick and chose my battles once Duane arrives. I am not going to tell him how to act or how he needs to be. If he is rude to people and does not say thank you...I will not scold him like a child......I am going to constantly ask him what he wants and needs from me rather than me telling him what he "NEEDS" to do ...... Of course, I am going to guide and teach him but I am going to give him freedom to make his own mistakes and own choices......

Maybe I am naive because I have not arrived at that point yet but from what I read, it sounds like some of the lying may be the only thing they feel that THEY really control.

So.....I only hope to learn from everyone so I will let you know if it works!!!!!!

[tenika 0]

I don't think it so much the Lady or the male fault, I beleive that most marriages end because both have fault in realizing that marriage is not always rosey, that it is a give and a take. In this country over 50% of marriages end in divorce, Marriage must survive through the very hard and the fun times. Couples must learn to pick and choose their battles. That is one thing I am working on. Sometimes in marriage you have to just give up your right by just not responding or letting it blow over. You know your right, your steaming to tell him how wrong he is and to show him all is faults, but if sometimes we can say, you know what its ok, I beleive it will go a long way. Both the American and Jamaica must understand that we must take time to listen to what one another is saying and realize the difference in culture can sometimes complicate things, but we must be able to remember the common foundation that the relatonship was built on...love, and have ambition to work throug the hard times.

[Minfay 0]

Like he cant be calling people FATTY, here it is not a compliment or similair to saying Mrs or Maam

HAH!! My problem word is: F*#$ -- I say it all the time, he totally picked up on it and says it really loud in public. The first few times I fell out -- now I just try to get my hand over his mouth before he finishes.

Both the American and Jamaica must understand that we must take time to listen to what one another is saying and realize the difference in culture can sometimes complicate things, but we must be able to remember the common foundation that the relatonship was built on...love, and have ambition to work throug the hard times.

I agree with that statement 100% but sometimes it sounds a lot easier than it actually is.

[Sbys 0]

I'm crying. I've heard this one before! That's great

I am just using Rohan examples, but these are really common example told in a first hand mode. Is it possible so many people were sitting next to a Mary on the bus who held in a fart and perished in this tragic example of toxic ingestion hmmmm.... I wonder what would be the cause of death on the medical examiner file, Mary died from Inward Gas Suppressionitis,

[Elizabethnhenry 0]

Question: What does your SO/spouse think of online banking. Henry and I just had our long talk. He thinks the devil is at the helm of online banking and we all get robbed everyday and don't realize it. He wants me to go back to writing actual checks.

I said no way - he would take over bill payments if writing physical checks were part of the game.

I agree with everyone who said we have to choose our battles carefully. We do it at work, we do it at church, we do it at school and we have to do it at home.

Edited May 10, 2006 by Elizabethnhenry

[Sbys 0]

That's hilarious

Michael likes it so far. He hasn't paid any bills online yet, but he's learning how to check up on his checking account. He likes being able to look at all his transactions. I'm preparing him for Quicken! That should be fun... first he has to master balancing his checkbook on paper

Question: What does your SO/spouse think of online banking. Henry and I just had our long talk. He thinks the devil is at the helm of online banking and we all get robbed everyday and don't realize it. He wants me to go back to writing actual checks.

Edited May 10, 2006 by Sbys

[tenika 0]

Rohan got to sing at church this pass Friday, he is a great singer, and tore the house down. He made the song up and went from regular singing into this reggae mix (DJ Style). I was so nervous if he would do well, but when he was done people were standing up and cheerring and sayin "Encore!" I only had to remind him after service that he need to calm down a little with the hip movements when he is singing. It may cause some sistahz to take a harder look then they should

Me and Rohan havent yet reached a stage where we are banking together, we will work on that after we are married. and I will let you know

[nyseness 0]

Jamie -- I hate to say it but "men will always be men." I think it is in their blood to do stupid things. Things that we would NEVER have the nerve to do. They don't understand that we worry -- especially since they are from another country and not familiar with alot of things here. If it was me, I would have been throwing myself all over the place.

At the same time -- we (yes we) have to be able to find a "happy medium" in which we allow them to do "their own thing" without them feeling that they need to lie to us just to shut us up (and keep us happy). Jamie, I'm not saying that is what Andre is doing to you.....it's just a general statement. I know that most of the time I find myself treating Roy like a little kid -- he is a 35 year old man....but, sometimes I just can't help myself. I'm constantly working on that. And I know, once he has more freedom (i.e., job, car...) it's just going to get worse. I can see him doing the same thing Andre is doing. I can say I haven't caught him in any lies.....YET!!! Since we all seem to be "mirroring" each other in our relationships <except the pregnancy thing, Julie!> I am sure my time is coming.

I have to agree w/Mindy. Even though my man is not here I know I will come into this problem when he does. If he said he was going to Doug's house would you say ok? Maybe that could be another reason. I just think once our men get a little freedom they will need to explore, we just have to give them their space and trust them. Trust that they will make the right choice in whatever they decide to do.

[Shemmy 4]

Question: What does your SO/spouse think of online banking. Henry and I just had our long talk. He thinks the devil is at the helm of online banking and we all get robbed everyday and don't realize it. He wants me to go back to writing actual checks.

I said no way - he would take over bill payments if writing physical checks were part of the game.

I agree with everyone who said we have to choose our battles carefully. We do it at work, we do it at church, we do it at school and we have to do it at home.

Damien like to pay his bills over the phone. He feels safer talking to a person. He calls the automatic bank teller 2-3 times a day to check his balance He just called me cussing because the bank took out $5.95 for a service charge. Now he wants to withdraw all his money. We go through this every month .

Damien forgot to give me money this morning to desposit in his account to pay the cable and phone bills. I told him no prolem, I will pay for them out of my account. He insisted that I leave my office withdraw from my account and desposit money in his account (two different banks mind you). After agruing for five minutes - I asked if he had any money in his account to cover the bills and he said of course. Well then pay the dang bills and I'll make the desposit tomorrow. He said "my bad" and started laughing I don't think he's ready for online yet.

Edited May 10, 2006 by sjb1221

[nyseness 0]

I dicuss adjustment issues with three other couples and all three woman say the same thing about lying. It makes me wonder......

This is really interesting. Is this a cultural thing? I'm remembering when we first got to JA when we were staying for a few months. We had rented an apartment near Fern Gully and had no idea how to get there. The owner told us to just ask people when we got to Ochi... so we did. HOURS later, we finally reached the apartment. We would ask people where to go and if they didn't know... they just made something up. We were told so many lies that day I couldn't even believe it.

One thing I did notice about some Jamaicans that I perceive is a cultural thing, is they hear of stories from when they were young that many times is not true, and tell them as if they acutally knew the people involved/

For Example : Rohan to me as we went by bus from Kingston to St. Thomas " See this body of water, there was two brothers (names I forgot) who was fighting over the land and killed each other, this land then turned to water and every year around the end of April the water turns to look like Blood"

or Rohan after I showed my disgust at thim for not holding in a fart "Baby ya want me tah die, I was sittin on the bus once and this lady name Mary had to fart, I told her to let it out she said no, and she died right there" It is important to know this mystery lady who died from holding in a fart is known by everyone in JA. and normally told as a first hand experience

or Rohan to me, after I reiterated I am not having sex until after marriage "there one was a man who married a lady (I forgot the name) and never let the man try her out, until their wedding night and on that night he find out she has ' no where to receive him" , beside the impossibility of this scenerio- I found it odd that I hear my other Christian sisters here and abroad, say Jamaican always use the same scenereo

I am just using Rohan examples, but these are really common example told in a first hand mode. Is it possible so many people were sitting next to a Mary on the bus who held in a fart and perished in this tragic example of toxic ingestion hmmmm.... I wonder what would be the cause of death on the medical examiner file, Mary died from Inward Gas Suppressionitis,

lol...that is so funny. The other day I took out all 4 wisdom teeth and my dad had a fit. Talking about his grandmother died from the same thing and telling me the long drown out story, but after I asked around she died from something totally different.... He still won't admit to it and then my mom started talking the same thing. It's just crazy.

[Sbys 0]

He just called me cussing because the bank took out $5.95 for a service charge. Now he wants to withdraw all his money. We go through this every month .

This sounds like me All those bank fees make me so angry.

[brownnskinn 0]

"RAY RAY RAY" Do your men say that??.......

I say it all the time now

[brownnskinn 0]

You guys have me ROTFLOL!!!

Hugs to Jamie

I agree with Minday..we must choose our battles.

Interesting lying......I have not caught David in a lie as yet You ladies have me scared. I notice that he exaggerates things. He'll tell a sory and the next time you hear it it gets worse and worse. I don't think it's cultural tho, I think many of us have done it one time or another. My x husband was a pathological liar. I'm trained... I don't think David could get one over on me if he tried...not for long. I don't want to say I "give" him freedom.. It's assumed that we need our time alone, even tho I am not getting much lately. I ways have something to do I have never been a clingy type of person. I encourgage him to go out and meet new people...In fact...he has more friends than I . The other night he was mad..I was up working on the computer late when I was finished I started reading VJ post...he had a cold, had on long johns and a hat, was mad cause I want to read VJ posts, and he was cold :blink:u He was like didn't you hear me ask you to come keep me warm??? I must have fallen asleep. I did not appreciate the tone in his voice. I did not hear him. I find him asking me to do things he normally will do for himself....becoming a bit spoiled I guess.

He has said the same thing about asking for directions or anything else in JA...Never to believe what they say.

He is not a big spender is my issue, neither am I but feel bad when I buy things we need for the home he tell me I', wasting money..or will ask do we really need that, for the most part I am greatfull, but I don't but whats not needed ... he doesn't mind the online banking....Once the money is in the bank...he feels like it should come out only for emergencies

Our biggest obstacile will be mine and his daughter...."He is just not trying with my daughter anymore

I'm not having the common sense issue.....He has plenty of it....I wish he would use it when he drives

[nyseness 0]

I dont' think I will have problem w/Javon when it come to common courtesy common sense is something else. He is not familiar w/the way we do things here so I know it will be an issue. It like some things he is suppose to know and don't ...I don't have patience to teach someone something so I know it will be a problem.