Excerpts from a Pakistani columnist making fun of his country and Islam

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I'm only including excerpts that will make sense to some VJ readers, if not most. That this person even exists and writes for the Dawn Group, which is Pakistan's largest English-language paper, is pretty revealing. Apparently there is still some freedom of expression left in Pakistan! Good for them.

Principle political standpoints in Al-Absurdistan

Sabir Nazar | 29th August, 2012

* The United Nations is a puppet in the hands of the United States and its job is to clean up the mess created by super powers. The UNSC resolution 1368 gave the US and Nato a killing license in Al-Afghanistan; and the Indians are using the soil of Afghanistan to encircle Al-Absurdistan. But … Al-Absurdistan wants to resolve the Kashmir issue according to the UNSC resolution 47 of the United Nations.

* We shall protest against the killings of the Rohingya Muslims of Burma and call OIC to take notices of injustice to Rohingya Muslims, Palestinians, Chechens, Kashmiris, Afghans and Uighurs. But … condemning the killing of Shias in Al-Absurdistan is projecting a negative image of Al-Absurdistan.

* Al-Absurdistan believes in the right of self-determination for Kashmiris in India and their right to govern themselves by the plebiscite under the UN resolution. But … when Bengalis wanted self-determination to break up with Al-Absurdistan, they were agents of India. And now Balochistan, demanding separation from Al-Absurdistan, is obviously the agent of India.

* When Christians were living in the Dark Ages, Muslims progressed in all fields of Science. The Western world learned everything from Muslim scientists, scholars and inventors. The word Chemistry is derived from the Arabic word ‘Chemia’, But … Western education taught in Al-Absurdistan is a conspiracy against Muslims, being used to enslave the children of Al-Absurdistan.

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* Christians during the Dark Ages burnt coffee beans and attacked coffee shops in Paris as coffee was considered a Muslim drink and they thought that Christians were being enslaved by Islamic education. They burnt the books of Ibn Rushd and Arabic was banned in universities. But … we want to ban their language and cola drinks because, you guessed it, they are enslaving Muslims.

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* Communist Russians are atheist who are against Islam and are trying to reach warm waters. They were defeated in Afghanistan. But … China is our eternal friend and we built Gwader with their help to provide access to warm waters.

* European tourists who come to Al-Absurdistan shall wear shalwar kameez, should not drink or kiss in public as that would hurt the sensibilities of Al-Absurdistanis. But … a ban on the veil in Europe is against human rights and symbolic of Islamophobia in the West.

* For the last 65 year, 3 lac Muslims go to Hajj annually, 2 million attend the Raiwind congregation every year, 35 thousand madrassahs impart religious education to thousands of students. Mosques, television, Friday prayer, milads, and our school textbooks all speak of the teachings of Islam to our students. But … the current mess in Al-Absurdistan is because we have left the teachings of Islam.

Principle standpoints in Al Bakistan II

Sabir Nazar | 31st October, 2012

* The drones are responsible for Taliban’s revenge against Pakistani civilians. If drones are stopped, attack on Malalas would stop…..But secular education for girls is against Islam.

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* Afghan mujahideen/Taliban has defeated USSR and now USA and Nato. But….they can’t defeat Pakistan to take control of nuclear arms.

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* Drones are killing civilians in Waziristan and are violating the sovereignty of Pakistan. But….we can’t verify whether they are extremists or civilians as we have effectively no control on our territory.

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Saudi Arabia is our time tested friend and matched dollar with dollar from America to defeat Russians in Afghanistan. But…..America, not Saudi Arabia is responsible for fanning religious jihadi extremism in Pakistan.

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* The blasphemous film was not an individual act but a conspiracy of America to insult Muslims…But all Muslims can’t be declared terrorist because of individual acts of 9/11 plotters.

Principle standpoints in Al Bakistan III

Sabir Nazar | 26th December, 2012

* Refining heroin and selling drugs for a living is trade…. but consumption of liquor is haram.

* Taliban confessed that they shot Malala, the attacker’s sister has confessed and apologised for the attack. The Pakistani authorities, medical staff of Peshawar and Rawalpindi hospitals, British hospital staff and authorities, Malala’s family, teachers and classmates who were injured have confirmed the attack, but its unbelievable for lot of al Bakistanis … but the guy who claimed that he made a car that runs on water is believable for them.

* Taliban fighting America in Afghanistan is jihad….. but Taliban attacking the allies of America in Pakistan is terrorism.

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* Majority of Pakistanis are peace loving and only a tiny minority of extremists are responsible for Pakistan’s bad image…..but most popular name in Pakistan is Osama.

* Earthquake and floods in Pakistan was our test from God … but Sandy hurricane was God’s wrath on America for their arrogance.

* Afia Siddiqui’s links with al Qaeda are fake. Swat video was fake, Malala attack was drama, Osama killing in Abbotabad was drama (he died in 2005),…..but Abu gharib torture photographs in Iraq and Gautanamo detaninee tortures exposed by western media are real.

* Women shall not go to school and stay at home….but when they get sick they should only go to female doctors for ultrasounds and physical checkups.

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* We are 7th most corrupt and dangerous country that lack rule of law according to world justice project (WJP)۔ According to Transparency International, Pakistan stands at 33 in an index of 1 to 100 ……but our religious leaders want us to lead the entire Muslim Ummah.

Principle standpoints in Al Bakistan IV

Sabir Nazar | 1 day ago

* We learn from Indian activist judiciary and judgments of British and American judges … but India, Israel and America are our greatest enemies.

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* Quetta mourners demanded that Quetta be handed over to the Army… but the jihadis are the strategic assets of Pakistan.

* Hundreds of Hazara Shias are being killed in Quetta and before that Shias were killed in Bamayan … but the Taliban brought the ideal government and peace in Afghanistan.

* Israel was a creation of Britain to sow the seed of dissent and fitna in the Middle East for Arab Muslims … but the rest of the countries created by Britian in the form of Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Syria, Iraq and Pakistan are fortresses of Islam.

* Eighty per cent of Pakistanis hate America … but the longest queues for visas are in front of the American embassy in Islamabad.

* Ziaul Haq was a brigadier in Jordan who was responsible for killing of 10,000 Palestinians in Jordan (black September) and Tiger Niazi was responsible for killing Bengalis in East Pakistan … but no Muslim can kill another Muslim.

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* Taliban is the plural of talib that means seeker of education … but they are against the education of girls.

* Indian soldiers are cowards. One Muslim soldier is equal to 10 Hindu soldiers (Hamid Gul) … but we never won any war against India.

* Saudi Arabia is the only country in the world that is named after the ruling family of Saudi Arabia, Al Saud … but Saudi Arabia is the centre of transnational religious movement that rejects tribal, national and ethnic identities.

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* The majority of the al Qaeda leadership in Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq were from Egypt and Saudi Arabia … but the last suicide attack in Egypt was in 1997 (Luxor massacre) and in Saudi Arabia (2003) and they never attacked any government building or bases in either of the two countries.

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* The majority of the Afghan Taliban, including Mullah Omar were living in Pakistan. They were trained and educated in Pakistani madrassahs … but talibanisation is the product of Afghanistan.

* Iran is our brotherly Islamic country and the Pakistan-Iran pipeline is the future of Pakistan … but Shias are not Muslims and are being killed in Quetta, Kurram Agency and Karachi.

* The American support for authoritative regimes is responsible for hatred against Americans in Muslim societies … but Saudi Arabia is the guardian of all the holy cities of Islam and a time-tested friend of Pakistan.