Marraige Counseling and Advice

[rlogan 2,036]

Thanks for the advice regarding living together before making a commitment. I have actually known him almost all my life because our families are so close and we actually thought we were related growing up. We were like fric and frac and so close (best friends) almost all pictures of me include him and vice versa from my childhood. Anyway, I stay with him or he stays with me and my family when I visit home

You even said that he is still your best friend. So what happened to the poster who said this:

I don't know squat about his life

So now that it turns out you know him so well, the most pertinent thing to say is to walk in with your eyes open. If you have reservations about something then don't hope that it gets better after marriage or think you can just work harder to overcome it. He has to be the one already.

[Azsara 110]

My wife has been here for about a year and half. There has been major adjustments on both sides and a lot of learning. I knew my wife for almost eight years before she came here, and I have to say I've been surprised at how much more there was to know. Being able to spend more time in person probably would have reduced that, but when you're half a world apart, thats a little tough to do.

We did have the plus of having to learn to really communicate before. We spent a lot of time talking on the phone and internet before she came here and got married. To this day, sometimes disagreements are best solved when we discuss them on the phone or via text. It just gives that little extra space and time to think and listen both.

Yes there are times I do things that she views as offensive, that would not have been considered offensive to someone who grew up in the USA. She has done the same thing to me, but I've done my best to not take offense and learn that there are some things acceptable in her culture that I just don't care for. I've gotten used to them, and have done my best to understand them. In some cases I tell her and we discuss it, in others I just tell myself to get over it.

Meals have been a big adjustment. I mainly eat Filipino food now, which is fine with me as I always enjoyed the food there. I tell her the few things I don't care for, and she doesn't make them. As to her eating American food, I accept the ones she doesn't like and we just don't eat them. Occasionally I'll eat them when we're out to restaurant, just as she'll eat some of her homeland dishes I don't like when we go out to eat Filipino food.

One thing I've really learned is I have needed to be the strong one as she has gone through the adjustment process. She was extremely close to family, loved living in her country, and has had a lot of bouts of homesickness. Sometimes her acting out is only because she's missing home, and instead of me getting upset, I just had to support her and find my way to the real issue she was having. Takes a lot of self control at time, and really really paying close attention.

A big thing we've been working on is my wife learning to communicate negative feelings without turning negative and angry. In her country its more common to ignore those feelings and close off communication until the feeling passes. She also wasn't used to hearing negative things to, she's learning not to take offense, but to listen to the feelings I may be having behind things. This has been a very large task learning and accommodating the two different methods of conflict resolution. The American in more your face way, and the Filipino ignore until you feel better way.

This past year and half has been a very big growing process for both of us. It hasn't been easy at times, but we've both learned so much. There's always a big learning process when two people get married and begin lives together. When the cultures are different, you're kind of forced to acknowledge the differences, which can be helpful in that you hopefully are doing less assuming. But its also harder as you try to break or change habits that entire lifetimes and cultures have built within each of you.

One thing that really has been helpful to me is to just accept there are some things that are so ingrained in how she grew up, that it will never change. There are other things where I had to stand up and just plain say that is unacceptable to me and the reasons behind it. I've been extremely careful in picking things that I felt are nonnegotiable but we all have things that fall in that category, even if we marry within our own culture. She's had a few for me to, which I understand.

If anyone had ever told me how much work and change was going to happen in my life as the result of marrying outside my culture, I probably would have discounted it. But in the end I believe we're building a much stronger marriage and relationship because of it. I really don't think the average person can handle the added pressures of marrying outside their culture and with immigration stress added on top of it. I don't know how many times I've seen upset people because their relationship failed and claiming abuse or they've been scammed, when odds are it probably got that way because one or both expected things all to be rosy just to be married, ignoring how much work its going to take to build a real marriage and life together.

My advice is to dump every preconceived notion you have about what married life is going to be. Then start talking about every aspect of life. When you get together finally, you'll find you probably still missed 95% of what you'll need to talk about later.

Thank you for sharing this with us

[Tosh Love 77]

You even said that he is still your best friend. So what happened to the poster who said this:

So now that it turns out you know him so well, the most pertinent thing to say is to walk in with your eyes open. If you have reservations about something then don't hope that it gets better after marriage or think you can just work harder to overcome it. He has to be the one already.

@rlogan, Point well taken. I just know that regardless of how long you have known someone, things change when you live under the same roof. Case in point, my brother currently lives with me and I have learned more about him this past two years than I would have EVER known and vice versa. I don't think my love for my fiance will ever change but I also know to NEVER say I know everything (or enough) about him at this point because my experience with husbands so far has taught me otherwise.

[Richards wife 1]

Hello,

Most Ghanaian men love respect from their ladies. They love it when you give them the driver seat. Be submissive to him at all times. Do not yell, scream, swear, or put them down in any way. You will be expected to up keep the home; cooking, cleaning, decorating, taking care of the children and him (not financially). It is important you create a binding relationship with his family, especially his parents. Allow your guy to take care of the home financially and always make his opinion count. It is important you are faithful and honest. I will post links and I will strongly advice you read the articles so you can start learning what to expect until your hubby to be adjusts himself to the American culture. Do not expect a lot from him when it comes to affection after marriage (LOL). But over time, I am sure he'll understand. I am USC and dating a Ghanaian man also. Let me know if you have any questions. Hopefully this helps answer your questions. All the articles are 95 percent true about Ghanaian men.

http://www.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/NewsArchive/artikel.php?ID=240546

http://omgghana.com/the-10-types-of-women-that-ghanaian-men-fall-in-love-with/

http://www.topix.com/forum/world/ghana/TG33O3U6SDDQAMVC9

http://opinion.myjoyonline.com/pages/feature/201001/41354.php

Best of luck to you and your future husband

perfectly said d and c .