Another heartbreak

[DM & JM 12]

After reading your post again, I got to the conclusion that you have no grounds here to try to fix things. You have lost the essential factors in a relationship, "trust and respect". You lost your trust in her and she lost respect in you. Without these two, you will only get deeper and deeper in this relationship and will only keep suffering. Forget about her (she is not worth it and you deserve better) and try to reconstruct your life. We all know by your post that you love her but it is better now than 5 or 10 years from now. Nobody has died of love.

[Djarian2000 5]

That woman ain't worth anything, Pal. Time to be selfish and do what seems right and please do not pick the easiest solution. Any time or word spent on this woman should've a waste of yours and others time. I am speaking from a personal experience.

[Caryh 5,206]

I feel so bad for you. I think you've had a ton of good advice already, and given the history I know I'd personally have a hard time trusting her ever again. I hope how ever this works out, you'll heal and get over it as soon as possible.

[the other 1 2]

I made another log-in because this message is not to be connected to me because I am not that person anymore. This was a long time ago. A long time ago I was the "other woman" in a man's life and my husband found out. It was horrible for both of us. But I begged to stay and he let me. It maybe took a year or more for us to get back to normal, and even though he said he could never forgive me, he eventually did because he realized we both had problems. So we raised our kids and went on with life, had good times, adventures, trips, plans along with all the other things that happen in life, bills and work and such. I was never unfaithful again. Then he died from cancer.

Looking back, why, I ask myself, did I do this, and I realize I have a relationship now with my new husband that I was missing in my marriage with my first husband. Did that give me permission to do what I did? No. Did it make what I did ok? No. I can't help feeling that if, just if we would have split then, first husband could have gone on to marry someone who REALLY loved and enjoyed everything about him including the things I could not enjoy with him, like drinking, and maybe I would have found a soul mate. Or maybe not. Like they say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

So who was wrong in this scenario? The husband, who, after quite a few beers makes unkind remarks? Or the wife who meets a man on the sly that makes her feel like a million? Do you see yourself in a similar crash and burn situation or do you have something better, something that can be salvaged from the ashes, dusted off and begun again, better maybe, after the soul-barring and forgiving process?

I have spent probably an hour writing this. It's from my heart. It's a story almost no one knows about me. Thankfully my kids grew up good. And now I have my sexy soul mate who confides in me and cares for me and worries over me and we have darn wonderful fun together and laugh and play and enjoy life and each other. We have mutual respect and care and concern for each other's feelings. I didn't know a man could be that way. Can you have that with your spouse? I hope and pray that you do. Ok, over and out. Don't know if I will log in again unless someone has a question.

[jhwh303 10]

Thank you everyone who has answered this post so far, and shared experiences and given advice. I still feel like I'm walking in a dream, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around what has happened. I'm just a normal guy.. I wasn't wired for this.

I have read each and every post here, word by word and line by line. Thank you so much all for the support, sharing your own stories and the insight. This isn't a matter of forgiving alone, it's a matter of forgiving and forgetting. I can't really begin to think about that now.

I tend to believe things happen for a reason. And I believe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That's what I tell everyone else anyway when they're going through something similar - Slightly harder to believe when on this end of things. I read Si man's post over and over again. Had a looooong walk with our roommate last night. Spoke to my mother back home (although I haven't told her what happened, just that something isn't right). I've decided on one thing.. I'm not going to go home just yet. I did not go through a year of immigration hell, just to get here, and throw in the towel 6 weeks later. That would be such an utter and complete waste of everything. The way I see it, my country will always be there, and if I leave now, it's the last nail in the coffin.

I'm taking the maven's advice however to step back a bit from the marriage and take a hard look at myself. Try to rebuild myself. I have a very difficult time seeing this work out, whether for me or for us, if I don't try to at least stand on my own two feet first. I'd like to look at this, unbiased, from the outside, before I even think about the idea of reconciling.

From an ROC standpoint - I really don't care about that at this point. If it does come down to it in the future that I'll have to ROC with a waiver, I'll deal with that then. I just like to know my options are open. I am not, no way going to stay with her simply to make ROC easier.

My wife is still sleeping at a coworker's house. We're having lunch today.. I'll keep you guys posted.

Edited January 11, 2013 by jhwh303

[jhwh303 10]

I made another log-in because this message is not to be connected to me because I am not that person anymore. This was a long time ago. A long time ago I was the "other woman" in a man's life and my husband found out. It was horrible for both of us. But I begged to stay and he let me. It maybe took a year or more for us to get back to normal, and even though he said he could never forgive me, he eventually did because he realized we both had problems. So we raised our kids and went on with life, had good times, adventures, trips, plans along with all the other things that happen in life, bills and work and such. I was never unfaithful again. Then he died from cancer.Looking back, why, I ask myself, did I do this, and I realize I have a relationship now with my new husband that I was missing in my marriage with my first husband. Did that give me permission to do what I did? No. Did it make what I did ok? No. I can't help feeling that if, just if we would have split then, first husband could have gone on to marry someone who REALLY loved and enjoyed everything about him including the things I could not enjoy with him, like drinking, and maybe I would have found a soul mate. Or maybe not. Like they say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.So who was wrong in this scenario? The husband, who, after quite a few beers makes unkind remarks? Or the wife who meets a man on the sly that makes her feel like a million? Do you see yourself in a similar crash and burn situation or do you have something better, something that can be salvaged from the ashes, dusted off and begun again, better maybe, after the soul-barring and forgiving process?I have spent probably an hour writing this. It's from my heart. It's a story almost no one knows about me. Thankfully my kids grew up good. And now I have my sexy soul mate who confides in me and cares for me and worries over me and we have darn wonderful fun together and laugh and play and enjoy life and each other. We have mutual respect and care and concern for each other's feelings. I didn't know a man could be that way. Can you have that with your spouse? I hope and pray that you do. Ok, over and out. Don't know if I will log in again unless someone has a question.

I'm so glad I read this.. I don't really have anything to say about it or any comments on it right now. But thank you so much for taking the time to write it.

[I love San Diego 18]

That is awful. Some people are really horrid. I've been in that situation, though not quite as involved as you, and I remember the sense of incredulity. I wasn't married, so I ended the relationship with a lot of hate and anger. I suppose I handled it wrongly, but now I found a wonderful lady and all-in-all, my ex cheating on me was a good thing because I found someone better, someone perfect! As everyone has said, it takes a long time to heal... but it'll happen. Hang in there buddy.

[iliad5000 0]

I'm not going to sugar coat this, and I will probably catch flack, especially considering this is a delicate time for you. The bottom line is if she was wiling to do it once, she is willing to do it again. One of the "advantages" to a long distance relationship is that it tests just these things. There is a saying in Dominca that "In a long distance relationship, all three are happy." Unfortunately you were the one who got hurt.

[Olakunle39 11]

I am sorry to read about your situation. Most of the advice given is really good. Am sure many of us have had our hearts broken and the process of letting go was tough. Of course your wife was wrong and she knew it was wrong before she did it. You have given it your all for this marriage to work and God sees that. When we are angry/emotional we cannot think straight. You was saying how you got a job offer. I would take the offer because first jobs are hard to come by and its best to keep busy than sitting around crying and getting upset. I can understand you knowing about the "incident" but put it aside because your feelings took over. Its normal. Trust is very important. I know you want the marriage to work but does she want the same thing? If both parties are not on the same ship then the ship will be stuck. One thing you should keep in mind is your not the only person who is going through something like this. There is always another story worst. I wish you the best, surround yourself with people who will make you happy, and stay busy. What don't kill you makes you stronger. Your wife will reap what she sow. Whatever decision you make don't have no regrets. This is your life, your in control, there is only one set of keys. You choose which road you want to go. God bless you.

[renae8774 2]

This is my first post commenting on a personal matter, because in the end the decision is really yours.

Eventhough you have acquire some good advices so far, you really need to assess this pain-staking situation very slowly and reasonable. Here are some thoughts you might want to consider and questions you should be asking yourself:

1)Never let her play the victim role because chaeters like to do that,

2)Can you find it in your guts to respect and look on her the way you use to before you found out she cheated?

3)Does she take responsibility for her actions?

4)Is she apologetic?

5)Does she initiates counselling?

These are some of the things you really need to consider and signs you need to look out for.In the end you have to make the decision, what's right for you.Sometimes we forgive someone and try to get past the pain but the memories still lingers.

I pray that the good Lord will guide you in making the right decision.

btw:whatver you decide take the job, because the economy is very hard and you would want to stop with a friend or family member and after a while feel like a burden to them.

[Dumb/Dumber 61]

First of all, let me say that I would never have affair because I do not believe in having your cake and eat it too. If I met someone else I wanted to be with, I would have broken it off with you. But not everyone is the same. I believe you should forgive and forget this and start over from day one right here and right now if you love this girl. Long distance relationships are hard, extremely hard. You two stuck it out and you made it to the finish line. I can tell you this. I was separated for a year from my boyfriend when I was 17 years old and I did date other guys, but all I did was talk about him. I missed him so much I could not stand it. When he found out about the other guys, he never felt the same about me. I was a virgin when I got married so it was not that kind of betrayal, but it still hurt him. If he could have found it in his heart to forgive me, life may have turned out different. If she loves you, forgive her.

Do not forgive her, someone else gets to live the life you could have had with her. I would not waste one more second thinking about it. I would be thinking she loves me,, I love her, we are together now and life is gonna be fantastic. Be happy!!!

[Darnell 8,478]

Brother:

Here's another angle to consider.

If you're offered that job with the excellent compensation, take it. Throw yourself into it. Work extra hours.

Taking a good job and doing well in it will earn you money, raises, commendations, and appreciation. The money and raises will give you extra flexibility that you really could use. The commendations and appreciation will act as a salve to your understandably raw self-esteem. You'll also meet colleagues with whom you'll have the chance of developing friendships.

This will be good for you now and long-term, si man.

I'll second this.

But for now, OP, don't decide anything this week or next. I say wait till the first week of February to decide something.

Why to wait? IMO, you need to listen to her a bit more, when she's ready to talk about this stuff.

She's not ready, at the moment.

I think you two have a fair shot at making it all work out, to be honest.

However, having a big job can be a godsend, as it forces you to focus attention on something else.

---

The above was free advice - take it or leave it.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Another person behaves inappropriately or in some way violates our boundaries. We challenge the behavior, and the person gets angry and defensive.

We are not at fault, crazy, or wrong. We have a right to set boundaries and to insist on appropriate treatment. We can separate another's issues from our issues, and let the person experience the consequences of his or her own behavior, including guilt.

We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated.

What concerns me is her inability and immaturity to face what she did like a grown woman and instead tries to

shift part of the blame to you. That is totally unacceptable. If that were true that you weren't "romantic enough" then she

needed to confront you with it and discuss it. If there are future issues how will she handle them ? Communicate to grow the relationship or "cheat her frustrations away" because it's easier ?

She does not seem to have empathy for you or the wife of the man she cheated with. Double whammy.

I would keep my distance and see if she comes after you to make things right or just fades away.

What effort is she putting into mending the relationship ?

Bringing her lunch was an olive branch and a forgiving gesture but let her demonstrate what she is made of now, let her

put forth some effort. Don't make it too easy for her.

Throw yourself into the new job, make new friends etc. as was suggested and give yourself a deserving break to get clarification within yourself and to see the whole picture. In time you will.

Decisions based on emotions alone are often not the best. Detach a while and wait and you will do what is best for you.

[TBoneTX 45,090]

I'm just a normal guy.. I wasn't wired for this.

Who ever is? The important thing is that you're demonstrating great strength and resolve, and an amazing amount of poise and circumspection, after having taken a blow to the gut. Only a real man -- and a guy who has his head screwed on very straight -- reacts like this.

Here's something else to consider. I came up with this years ago, when dealing with situations in my own life.

THE "HAPPINESS HIERARCHY"

1. Happily married

2. Happily single

3. Unhappily single

4. Unhappily married

Obviously ranked from best to worst, si man. At some points in our lives, #2 may temporarily equal #1, but #3 and #4 never change positions, no man.

[Tyler L 0]

Dear Jhwh303,

My fiancee sent me a link to your post the other day. We are both heartbroken over your situation. I just want you to know that I am praying for you. I can't imagine how much you are hurting. If you need a friend to talk to, I'm here. My email is:

(email address removed for privacy concerns: Please use the Visa Journey's private PM -personal messenger- option instead of posting emails publicly - VJ Moderation)

Christ can help you through this. He loves you, and he is able to help you love her still.

Yours,

Tyler

Edited January 12, 2013 by Kathryn41
email address removed for privacy concerns