Having second thoughts about speed of things...

[SweetheartSarah 3]

The short of the long is that I have moved to the US on a fiancé Visa, and we have to get married within 90 days of me moving into the country. We have been engaged for about a year now!

Until recently, this wasn't an issue with me, however I am now having doubts about being ready for all of this; getting married, moving countries, etc. I am not allowed to work for about four months after we get married, which makes financials very difficult, and school here costs a fortune compared to where I'm from.

I can't help but feel like I may have jumped the boat too soon and part of me wants to go back home for a while longer, work some more, and possibly postpone the wedding [1. Until we are financially comfortable, 2. I'm not sure I'm ready.]. Another problem with this, is that moving back home would null my Visa, and potentially ruin chances of getting another one for a while! Should I suck it up, get married on paper, and start building my life here? OR leave and risk it?

My other problem is I am very much a family girl. I find it very difficult to be away from my family for long periods of time. I dont' know if this is something I'll ever grow out of. FI does not want to live in my hometown, but I'm not sure I'll be able to live in his for an extended period of time.

FI lives at home, with his parents. I am currently living there with him, as neither of us have steady income [i don't have any at all, really.] . I realize that it's going to take a while to get atable, no matter what we do, but I feel as if I have more opportunity to do so slightly quicker back home. Note: FI is willing to try long distance, but doesn't seem t keen or hopeful about it [not that I expect him to be thrilled, just mostly hopeful and like it wouldn't be the end of the world!].

Needless to say, there is a lot to be thought of, but I really don't know where to start or what to think!

Edited January 9, 2013 by SweetheartSarah

[Benediction 15]

The visits from the US to Canada are not so bad. Have him come visit you as it is easy for a US citizen to come visit Canada and frequently so long as he has a passport.

I would not want to be rude, but these are things that should have really been thought of prior to the move. I will not blast you with this as I'm sure you know.

The only thing I could advise is, enter the marriage in Good faith and understanding. If you cannot, then do your best to go home and follow through with your plan as notated above. Do not make any decision based on paperwork / waiting. It should be done in love, preparation, and readiness / willingness. Don't fear the future, live in the present and make the future.

I will remind you that the world economy is unstable and that at this point in time, it is incredibly hard to have "stability" as any of us can lose our jobs any day (unless you work in healthcare), and even then there is a possibility with mergers, etc.

I would simply say, trust your heart / instinct. Don't try and over prepare, but at the same time don't walk in blindly.

Good luck and God bless.

That's my 2 cents and it's worth about that, maybe less.

[hikergirl 277]

From a mum’s point of view:

It wouldn’t be married on paper. You would be legally married and all that it entails. To end it would most likely require a divorce.

This is a scary process. You are leaving everything that you know behind and most of what you love. It’s scary for me to be going through and I’m sure every one of us has had that niggling in the back of our minds about leaving home.

The thing is you can get married and file for AOS (&AP for visits home) as soon as possible and start to work and really get into your marriage and your new community, or you can go home.

The one thing I always try to ask myself during big decisions is whether I would regret not giving something my all.

So my question as a mum would be this:

If you were to go home now and the long-distance thing didn’t work out, do you think you would be mad at yourself for not giving it a chance? Take some time and weigh your options and talk to hubby about it as well. Perhaps the answer in the long run would be neither home town but somewhere new and fresh and good for both of you.

I wish you all of the best in whatever you decide is right for you!

[Ryan H 3,821]

Moved from K1 Process & Procedures to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits forum; topic is a better fit in this forum.

[1.618 17]

The short of the long is that I have moved to the US on a fiancé Visa, and we have to get married within 90 days of me moving into the country. We have been engaged for about a year now!

Until recently, this wasn't an issue with me, however I am now having doubts about being ready for all of this; getting married, moving countries, etc. I am not allowed to work for about four months after we get married, which makes financials very difficult, and school here costs a fortune compared to where I'm from.

I can't help but feel like I may have jumped the boat too soon and part of me wants to go back home for a while longer, work some more, and possibly postpone the wedding [1. Until we are financially comfortable, 2. I'm not sure I'm ready.]. Another problem with this, is that moving back home would null my Visa, and potentially ruin chances of getting another one for a while! Should I suck it up, get married on paper, and start building my life here? OR leave and risk it?

My other problem is I am very much a family girl. I find it very difficult to be away from my family for long periods of time. I dont' know if this is something I'll ever grow out of. FI does not want to live in my hometown, but I'm not sure I'll be able to live in his for an extended period of time.

FI lives at home, with his parents. I am currently living there with him, as neither of us have steady income [i don't have any at all, really.] . I realize that it's going to take a while to get atable, no matter what we do, but I feel as if I have more opportunity to do so slightly quicker back home. Note: FI is willing to try long distance, but doesn't seem t keen or hopeful about it [not that I expect him to be thrilled, just mostly hopeful and like it wouldn't be the end of the world!].

Needless to say, there is a lot to be thought of, but I really don't know where to start or what to think!

Your post hit close to home. I feel for you, I know it's tough. You and I are walking in similar shoes. I don't really have advice... just thought I'd share my story.

I decided to "leave it all behind" because I love him: simple as that. Finances ($$), education and family, everything that was always priority and number one to me was consequently pushed aside.

After five months of being married, struggling financially (I'm finally able to look for a job, though, after getting my EAD) and missing my family (they have visited once and I finally got my AP!) I still find it difficult, but it does get easier with time. Love defines my happiness now and I've had to look within, remodel and rethink a lot of who I was and who I currently am to adjust and find reasoning behind my final decision and this step (marriage) and move to the US.

I come from well-educated family with wealth, to whom I'm extremely close. I was first in my class after 2 years of law school of which I came out DEBT FREE - got to love Canada and its universities, eh! (note that once you get your state residency you can file for financial aid + it's cheaper than international/out of state tuition).

Anyways, I quit law school with one year to go because my degree wouldn't be recognize here. I left my best friends (read: sisters) behind, my mother tongue behind, the country that I loved behind, to move to the US. For one thing and one thing only: my husband. It was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. Some days I have hints of what ressembles regret, and note that it surfaced post-move/post-marriage... but I quickly realized that that's just nostalgia. It's being homesick. It's normal for everyone and worse for some. It fades away with time.

Decide what's more important to you. There's no good or wrong answer. Whatever your decision will be, just don't be scared to be gutsy and remember that, as corny as it sounds, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

It's very possible to enter marriage in good faith and still be reluctant. It depends what happiness is to you. It depends if you think mostly with your heart or with your head. Although I still question it in moments of distress, I'm certain that leaving my family, a potential very rewarding career and my French-speaking community was well worth it. And if I realize years down the road that I'm not happy or that I feel empty, there's nothing, absolutely nothing that stops me from going back to Canada. Life is a journey and I decided to hop on for the ride. What the future holds, nobody knows.

Best of luck, I'm sure you'll figure things out.

(I always joked how it was such a long process to immigrate from Canada to the US - proving relationship, good faith, etc. - because honestly, in the end, why would we EVER want to leave that wonderful country behind and move to the US for anything else but love? Canada wins, hands down.)

[Sandra G. 5,057]

sweetheartsarah love isn't who you can live with, it's who you can't live without, ask yourself how would you feel tomorrow without seeing him? waking up and not seem him by your side every morning? etc, and ask yourself how do you feel starting your marriage and living with his parent,living with him without a steady income? You will be able to find the right answer, just ask yourself the right questions,lol.Good luck.

I would lose my mind if I had to live with my parents or in-laws, but some people do not mind.It doesn't work for me tho.

[Darnell 8,479]

There is no quick fix to any of this - but

since yer here, why not get married and file the AOS?

If you have doubts about the marriage now, forget anything immigration related, and go back to Canada.

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

I went through something a little similar when I moved to Denmark. We had planned on getting legally married right away, but the first month it was difficult adjusting to each other and a new country and I wanted to be sure. Mind you being married in Denmark grants me no legal rights to stay here that I don't already get from being an EU citizen, so there was no pressure or timeframe in needed to be done in.

I didn't have doubts about my now husband but I had doubts about spending the rest of my life in a place I didn't really like and knew that I would never love the way I loved the little Connecticut town I had lived in for the previous 4 years. So, we got married about a month after I arrived despite me being miserable and crying all the time about being here. He did everything in his power to cheer me up, but it just would not quit. A few weeks later it sort of reached a head and my husband, who isn't really an America fan, told me that we were going to move back because he couldn't stand to see me so unhappy.

Perhaps you do need more time to be sure and that is ok. Perhaps you need to wait until he is more financially secure as living with parents is no way to start a new marriage. A married couple needs space and a place of their own.

If I could do this marriage over again, I would have waited until when we moved back to America this summer and had a big wedding with a proper wedding dress and all. Actually that is what we are doing but it feels a little lame after the fact.

If you are having doubts then you need to wait. I had doubts about my first marriage and that ended with us divorced not a year later.