Relationship Stress while waiting - How to Cope discussion

[DefunctAccount 45]

So what sort of stress has the long wait put on your relationships and how did you pull through?

I know there have been moments of extreme hardship for us - but we manage to pull through... sometimes all it takes is looking each other in the eyes via Skype for a moment and remembering the moment we first touched one another to remind ourselves how worth it it all is.

Keno and I are a gay couple that are waiting for DOMA to get repealed so that we can file for our K-1 visa.

[PA132 5]

I often felt like much of the stress of being apart was on my end. My husband seemed content to get by on phone calls and emails, so he always weighed the reasons for delaying his return to the US over the desire to start paperwork. I'll admit, he did have valid reasons, as he was trying to start up a business, which is much cheaper to do over there, and it was cheaper in general for him to live over there... but to me that doesn't really compare to the discomfort of living alone.

So that was always a major arguing point for us. Luckily a recent visit reminded him of what it's like to actually live together, and I finally won that argument

We also tend to get into stupid arguements sometimes. I suspect a lot of it has to do with the misinterpretations of intention that come from not being able to see body language and expression... so those are often cured with a simple video chat. It's kind of irritating to me how quickly my anger will fade when I actually see him.

Mind control!

As for how I deal with it... I just keep telling myself that there will be an end to the wait. Eventually. It's definitely become easier now that we've got the paperwork going, as it's no longer open-ended. I can't imagine how bad it must be in your case

[DefunctAccount 45]

Thanks for the feedback. We skype a lot... it helps sometimes - our life is so much different when we are face to face with each other and it helps of course to remind myself of the synergy we have in person.

[NikLR 13,227]

To get through the stress we have to spend physical time together. To be honest it's what we need. We video chat pretty much everyday and miss it greatly when we can't. But nothing replaces that "touch" especially when you're married to someone who expresses most of their love through touch and doing something for the other person. I instantly feel how much he loves me the minute I get a hug and kiss at the airport. It makes the stress melt away until it's time to leave.

[JensJrny2Ray 367]

We do google hangouts just about every day. But, to be honest we're pretty tired of all that now and are ready to move on with just existing together. We want to live our lives too, and while video chatting is great because we get to see each other, we both have things to do: housework, job searches, errands, working out. We want to just get on with our lives, but by being together.

We are so fortunate that we have been able to see each other every few months for at least a week at a time. In fact, he'll be here next week! The last trip before we are together for realsies!

[lynndy38 64]

Its an incredibly stressful process when you're not fighting equality laws so goodness knows how you and Keno cope at times my friend.

Eric and I always try to keep in mind that any disagreements will seem magnified due to the distance between us,also knowing you have a visit at some point in the year(we've been together 5 years) really helps. I think people in LDR end up with such strong relationships,if we have issues we have no option other than to talk about it,communication is pretty much all we have most of the time.

[Pooky 3,787]

Never go to sleep on an unresolved disagreement.

Never say goodbye without saying "I love you."

Never run out of chocolate.

OK, the last one is purely personal, but the other two will stand you in good stead during the long months that you will be waiting

Finally, don't let the process get to you. If you review the timelines here on VJ, you will find that some people were lucky, and their wait was over almost before it began. Others were not so lucky. Your journey has an added wrinkle, which could mean that your wait will turn from months into years. Never give up. If your partner is your "One", then the wait will be worth it in the end.

Good luck.