To Ease Some of the Tension

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Post your favorite political jokes!

"President Bush announced that the federal deficit is actually $296 billion less than originally forecast. It's less, yeah. The president credits low unemployment, high job growth, and the fact that he did the math himself." --Conan O'Brien

[Jenn! 918]

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.

He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"

[one...two...tree 2,762]

"President will follow up his speech by going to the Arizona border, which is historic. It will be the first time he's actually ever shown up with a National Guard unit." --Jay Leno

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.

He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Bill Mahr's advice to Democrats

[Kathryn41 3,205]

POLITICAL HUMOR

The Latest From Late Night Comedians.

Jay Leno: "Things do not look good for the Republicans tomorrow. In fact, even Saddam Hussein said today, 'I wouldn't want to be in their shoes.'"

Jay Leno: "The unemployment rate came out. It's down to 4.4%, lowest in the world. One of the lowest in the world. Which is good news for Republicans. Yeah. That means after tomorrow, they'll be able to find jobs."

Jay Leno: "President Bush said today that both Cheney and Rumsfeld will remain with him for the rest of his second term. You know what that means -- whatever they got on the President, it must be good."

David Letterman: "Well, tomorrow is election day. You folks getting ready to vote? The only thing that can stop Democrats now is a last minute joke from John Kerry."

David Letterman: "The Democrats are favored to win most races. As a matter of fact, the only Republican in Washington whose seat is safe is Lincoln."

Conan O'Brien: "Today in Florida on the last day of campaigning, a Republican politician refused to appear in public with President Bush because the President is so unpopular. Yeah, and it's worse than it sounds because the politician was former Congressman Mark Foley."

[almaty 19]

lol...............!

[rclouse 0]

Bill Mahr's advice to Democrats

I don't think Republicans are capable of his final point.

Exception: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

Bill Mahr's advice to Democrats

I don't think Republicans are capable of his final point.

Exception: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[Marilyn. 340]

WAYS TO ANNOY OSAMA BIN LADEN

* Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.

* Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"

* Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.

* Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.

* Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.

* Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.

* Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.

* Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.

* Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.

* Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.

* Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.

* Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Mohammed Rafi.

* Mine his bathroom.

* Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.

* Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.AmIhotOrNot.com

* Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.AmIhotOrNot.com

* Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.

* Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to "kick his ### every day for eternity".

* Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden".

* Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.

* Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.

* At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.

* Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.

* Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.

* Tell him that this is the worst pyjama party you've ever attended.

* Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.

* Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.

* Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.

* Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.

* Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the ####### out of him.

* Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.

* Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.

* Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"

* Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.

* They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on Friends.

* Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."

* Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modelling.

* Ask him, "say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.

* Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie". If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*

* Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.

* Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.

* When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

* Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.

* Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.AmIhotOrNot.com

my favorites

[Marilyn. 340]

BUSHSPEAK - ACCIDENTAL WIT AND WISDOM

"It'll be hard to articulate." -George W. Bush, anticipating how he'll feel upon assuming the presidency, Jan. 2001

"I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine labor secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified." -George W. Bush, commenting on Linda Chavez, Jan. 2001

"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods." -George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000

"I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them." -George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000

"I also have picked a secretary for Housing and Human Development. Mel Martinez from the state of Florida." -George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000

"If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier - so long as I'm the dictator." -George W. Bush, Dec. 19, 2000

"####### Cheney and I do not want this nation to be in a recession. We want anybody who can find work to be able to find work." -George W. Bush, 60 minutes II, CBS, December 5, 2000

"The great thing about America is everybody should vote." -George W. Bush

"As far as the legal hassling and wrangling and posturing in Florida, I would suggest you talk to our team in Florida led by Jim Baker." -George W. Bush

"The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law." -George W. Bush, Nov. 2000

"They misunderestimated me." -George W. Bush, Nov. 2000

"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!" -George W. Bush, Bellevue Community College, Nov. 2, 2000

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." -George W. Bush

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." -George W. Bush

"If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it." -George W. Bush, during the third presidential debate

"The idea of putting subliminable messages into ads is ridiculous." -George W. Bush

"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected." -George W. Bush

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." -George W. Bush

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." -George W. Bush

"Mr. Vice President, in all due respect, it is - I'm not sure 80 percent of the people get the death tax. I know this: 100 percent will get it if I'm the president." -George W. Bush, during the third presidential debate, Oct. 2000

"The woman who knew that I had dyslexia - I never interviewed her." -George W. Bush, responding to a magazine article claiming he suffered from dyslexia

"Laura and I are proud to call John and Michelle Engler our friends. I know you're proud to call him governor. What a good man the Englers are." -George W. Bush, Nov. 2000

"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas." -George W. Bush, Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000

"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." -George W. Bush, in a CNN online chat, Aug. 2000

"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.'' -George W. Bush

"I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read - I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do." -George W. Bush, on MSNBC's "Hardball"

"The fact that he relies on facts - says things that are not factual - are going to undermine his campaign." -George W. Bush on Al Gore

"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating." -George W. Bush

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." -George W. Bush, speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, New Hampshire

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have - he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." -George W. Bush, on Sen. John McCain

"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2000

"I don't want to win? If that were the case, why the heck am I on the bus sixteen hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?" -George W. Bush, Jan. 2000

"If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." -George W. Bush

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." -George W. Bush

"Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" -George W. Bush

"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign." -George W. Bush

"Actually, I - this may sound a little West Texas to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about - when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." -George W. Bush

"I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California." -George W. Bush

"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." -George W. Bush, reflecting in 1994 about growing up in Midland, Texas

[Marilyn. 340]

HILARIOUS AL GORE BLUNDERS AND BLOOMERS

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."

-- Vice President Al Gore

(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

-- Al Gore

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."

-- Vice President Al Gore